Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Its d day
MOKEN
♂ 41390
Member # 41390
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, November 19th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone - a quick thank you to all who post and respond. This forum has helped me to validate my feelings and figure out my next course of action.

So - i wont bore you with a huge text block - essentially i found out my Wife of 19 years has started sexting a guy she worked with - from my investigation it didnt appear that they have been physical - but the sexting was detailed enough. Last night i found messages about arranging an actual meeting on Friday night ( 2 days away ).

So i needed to act.

What i did was to message the guy and tell him i know, to back off and go away - or i will make sure his wife and work colleagues find out. he responded quickly saying 'understood' - but time will tell if that really occurs. I do have all his contact details - and will go through with telling his wife if i need to.

I then sent a message to my partner letting her know that i know. That she needs to to 4 things :
1- send him a message telling him this was a big mistake and to never contact her again
2 - delete his details
3 - unlock her phone and stop deleting messages
4 - never make contact with him again.

Im finishing work early to go home ready for a face to face conversation - im sure she will be ready to deflect blame and turn it around on me - but im ready for that.

wish me luck.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Australia
bigskyblues
♂ 36759
Member # 36759
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck Moken! You are off to a good/strong start.


BH 50s
xWW 50s

Dday1 7-2012
Dday2 8-2012
Divorce 9-2012

4 kids all adults.

Married 22+ years.

I have moved on and life is good!


Posts: 273 | Registered: Sep 2012
Laura28
♀ 28997
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moken

Hi honey

Another Aussie here.

SI can be tough for us as often all the yanks are in bed during the evening when things can be tough.

Keep posting. There are a few aussies around at night who will have your back if you need us.

My main advice. Stand your ground. Demand your rights. If she starts any crap tell her you'll help her pack.

Take care and best of luck.

Laura


Married 32yrs Me BW 58Yrs Him FWH 60yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2758 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Aspenstrong
♀ 41394
Member # 41394
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new to this forum myself so I don't have a lot to offer- but that I read your post and think you responded and acted in a very healthy and effective manner. I hope your WS (does this mean wandering spouse?) wakes up fast- and takes responsibility for her actions.
I have to smile imagining the man getting your email and the fear he might feel - caught and you standing up to his crap.
Good luck


WS- Came to me and confessed ONS end of Oct 2013
Dec 2013-found out about 1 happy ending massage and various fishing on hookup sites that didn't pan out/
His heart changes and voluntary confession changed things for me... Waiting to see

Posts: 61 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Southwest
stillprettyupset
♂ 41286
Member # 41286
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well handled Moken. Good luck with the confrontation. I'm glad there were folks in your own time zone to cover your back.

Aspen, "wayward". The abbreviations were killing me until I found the list in the Healing Library.


Me: 42
WW: 36
Latest D-day: Sept 2013
Reconciling? Limbo?

Posts: 96 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NE Ohio
sinsof thefather
♀ 29295
Member # 29295
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moken, you're doing good. Strong and decisive action on your part so far which is just what you needed to do. I wish you luck for tonight.


...second star to the right and straight on till morning.

Posts: 1894 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
greengiant
♂ 41196
Member # 41196
Default  Posted: 6:28 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good luck MOKEN, you're doing the right thing,


ME - BS - 34 (33 on dDay)
fWW - 34 (33 on dDay)
Married 9 years, together 16
3 kids: 7, 5 and 3
D-Day: September 30th, 2013
She had a 6 weeks A with a COW

Posts: 145 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Quebec, Canada
EvenKeel
♀ 24210
Member # 24210
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thinking of you and wondering how it went.

and will go through with telling his wife if i need to.

You need too. Mainly it works in favor of ending them going underground if both BS know.

Secondly, I would want to know if I was the OM's wife.


Eyes are useless if the mind is blind.


Posts: 2249 | Registered: May 2009 | From: Pa
shatter-ed
♀ 27159
Member # 27159
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are in a good ,sorry never 'good' when you are faced with infidelity, but maybe 'better' position than many, in that you found SI and the wealth of knowledge from others in a similar situation before you confronted MOM and W.

I think you handled it really well.


BS (me)
WH
3 amazing kids.
R - trying.
DDay - 06/11/09 MOW desperate fugly neighbor

Posts: 599 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: uk
Tred
♂ 34086
Member # 34086
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moken,

Sounds like you are handling it well. Just want to echo EvenKeel - the blokes wife should be told. He's putting her health in danger, and your wife might not be his only target.


Married: 17 years (14 @JFO)
D-Day: 11/09/11
"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

Posts: 4088 | Registered: Dec 2011
OnAnIsland
♀ 34319
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wondering how the talk went. You are making good demands. Stick to them, and stick to consequences. Don't make a consequence that you aren't willing to follow through with. Take car of yourself.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
simplydevastated
♀ 25001
Member # 25001
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moken, you are handling this extremely well. I wish I was able to pull it together like you did when I found out.

Sounds like you are handling it well. Just want to echo EvenKeel - the blokes wife should be told. He's putting her health in danger, and your wife might not be his only target.

I agree with Tred and EvenKeel. She should know, for many reasons.


Me - BS, 39 (I'm not old...I'm vintage)
Two Wonderful children - DS10, DD7
Married, for now... (4+ D-Day - listed in profile.)

Posts: 5854 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: In the darkest depths of hell!
betrayedme2
♂ 40639
Member # 40639
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moken, I think you've taken a good first step. But......it's only a first step. Why did she feel the need to begin sexting? Why the need to arrange a "hook up". You need to get to the underlying cause or it'll be doomed to either repeat itself or manifest itself in another manner-neither positive. Consider counseling for each of you and together.

Best wishes!!


dday: 1/19/13
ME: mid 40's
WW: low 40'3
2 daughters, 17, 21
Reconciling

Posts: 83 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
womaninflux
♀ 39667
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

great start but unless you both examine the underlying relationship issues (not saying this is your fault…just saying there are likely communication issues at minimum) this inevitably will happen again.

Ask her to go to individual therapy and couples therapy. If she refuses, well, that says a lot.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
lost_in_toronto
♀ 25395
Member # 25395
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Moken. How did it go when you got home from work? Sounds like a good start to dealing with this. Keep posting.


Me: BS/39
Him: WS/37
DDay: August 23, 2009
Together 14 years.
Reconciled.

Posts: 1710 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: not toronto anymore
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Luck...

Be ready for it all...fog, TT, affair going underground. So glad you found this place and know how to handle it all from the beginning. If I were you, I would have the NC letter printed and ready for her to sign. In addition, to a list of IC's for her to see.

BTW...you need to contact the OM's spouse as well. It is the right thing to do and you will need the help on her end to keep the two apart. If she works with him...how will you handle that?


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
undonelife
♀ 38421
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. You go! Very strong healthy reaction.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2 teens

Posts: 191 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dark Hell
MOKEN
♂ 41390
Member # 41390
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Many thanks to you all for your thoughtful responses.
It was a tough night - but i surprised myself at how strong i was.

I sent her 2 messages yesterday to launch d-day. The first was an article i found online called 'is sexting cheating', all i said in my message was - i strongly recommend you read this !
I can only imagine her panic upon reading that... just the title - she probably didnt read the article...

i followed it up about an hour later with the ultimatum and list. Which i found out that night she didnt read - was too scared to apparently. So we talked through it instead.

Everything i read on here was true - the immediately deflection and downplaying of this issue - she had no idea how much i knew...
So each time she deflected i challenged her with more and more information - until she figured out i knew everything and caved.

Im confidant there was no actual physical contact - which is the saving grace for our relationship.

I still got no sleep last night - i thought i would have a weight lifted off my shoulders - but it didn't feel like that. So - we are OK for now, its going to take time for my trust to be restored - if ever... i dont know.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Australia
MOKEN
♂ 41390
Member # 41390
Default  Posted: 8:13 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In relation to telling the other guys wife... im really conflicted about that.

I know she deserves to know - i know i would want to know... but im not sure if i can do it... Its also the only ace i hold over him to keep him away....

I didnt make an idle threat - i will tell her if he continues to make contact... but for now im going to sit on it.

Also - to a poster - they dont work together anymore - ex colleagues now. thankfully.

Will let you know of any developments - thanks for reading and caring.


Posts: 5 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Australia
brkn_heartd
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Go farther. Make sure her computer is not locked down, if so have her passwords. Get her passwords to all of her accounts. Watch for her to open a secret account.

I have a feeling you are just cracking the tip of this iceberg.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.