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MOKEN posted 11/19/2013 23:01 PM

Hello everyone - a quick thank you to all who post and respond. This forum has helped me to validate my feelings and figure out my next course of action.

So - i wont bore you with a huge text block - essentially i found out my Wife of 19 years has started sexting a guy she worked with - from my investigation it didnt appear that they have been physical - but the sexting was detailed enough. Last night i found messages about arranging an actual meeting on Friday night ( 2 days away ).

So i needed to act.

What i did was to message the guy and tell him i know, to back off and go away - or i will make sure his wife and work colleagues find out. he responded quickly saying 'understood' - but time will tell if that really occurs. I do have all his contact details - and will go through with telling his wife if i need to.

I then sent a message to my partner letting her know that i know. That she needs to to 4 things :
1- send him a message telling him this was a big mistake and to never contact her again
2 - delete his details
3 - unlock her phone and stop deleting messages
4 - never make contact with him again.

Im finishing work early to go home ready for a face to face conversation - im sure she will be ready to deflect blame and turn it around on me - but im ready for that.

wish me luck.

bigskyblues posted 11/20/2013 00:22 AM

Good luck Moken! You are off to a good/strong start.

Laura28 posted 11/20/2013 00:49 AM


Hi honey

Another Aussie here.

SI can be tough for us as often all the yanks are in bed during the evening when things can be tough.

Keep posting. There are a few aussies around at night who will have your back if you need us.

My main advice. Stand your ground. Demand your rights. If she starts any crap tell her you'll help her pack.

Take care and best of luck.


Aspenstrong posted 11/20/2013 01:30 AM

I'm new to this forum myself so I don't have a lot to offer- but that I read your post and think you responded and acted in a very healthy and effective manner. I hope your WS (does this mean wandering spouse?) wakes up fast- and takes responsibility for her actions.
I have to smile imagining the man getting your email and the fear he might feel - caught and you standing up to his crap.
Good luck

stillprettyupset posted 11/20/2013 04:03 AM

Well handled Moken. Good luck with the confrontation. I'm glad there were folks in your own time zone to cover your back.

Aspen, "wayward". The abbreviations were killing me until I found the list in the Healing Library.

sinsof thefather posted 11/20/2013 04:16 AM

Moken, you're doing good. Strong and decisive action on your part so far which is just what you needed to do. I wish you luck for tonight.

greengiant posted 11/20/2013 06:28 AM

Good luck MOKEN, you're doing the right thing,

EvenKeel posted 11/20/2013 07:31 AM

Thinking of you and wondering how it went.

and will go through with telling his wife if i need to.

You need too. Mainly it works in favor of ending them going underground if both BS know.

Secondly, I would want to know if I was the OM's wife.

shatter-ed posted 11/20/2013 07:54 AM

You are in a good ,sorry never 'good' when you are faced with infidelity, but maybe 'better' position than many, in that you found SI and the wealth of knowledge from others in a similar situation before you confronted MOM and W.

I think you handled it really well.

Tred posted 11/20/2013 08:07 AM


Sounds like you are handling it well. Just want to echo EvenKeel - the blokes wife should be told. He's putting her health in danger, and your wife might not be his only target.

OnAnIsland posted 11/20/2013 08:11 AM

Wondering how the talk went. You are making good demands. Stick to them, and stick to consequences. Don't make a consequence that you aren't willing to follow through with. Take car of yourself.

simplydevastated posted 11/20/2013 08:16 AM

Moken, you are handling this extremely well. I wish I was able to pull it together like you did when I found out.

Sounds like you are handling it well. Just want to echo EvenKeel - the blokes wife should be told. He's putting her health in danger, and your wife might not be his only target.

I agree with Tred and EvenKeel. She should know, for many reasons.

betrayedme2 posted 11/20/2013 09:48 AM

Moken, I think you've taken a good first step.'s only a first step. Why did she feel the need to begin sexting? Why the need to arrange a "hook up". You need to get to the underlying cause or it'll be doomed to either repeat itself or manifest itself in another manner-neither positive. Consider counseling for each of you and together.

Best wishes!!

womaninflux posted 11/20/2013 10:00 AM

great start but unless you both examine the underlying relationship issues (not saying this is your fault…just saying there are likely communication issues at minimum) this inevitably will happen again.

Ask her to go to individual therapy and couples therapy. If she refuses, well, that says a lot.

lost_in_toronto posted 11/20/2013 10:12 AM

Hi, Moken. How did it go when you got home from work? Sounds like a good start to dealing with this. Keep posting.

hopefulmother posted 11/20/2013 10:45 AM

Good Luck...

Be ready for it all...fog, TT, affair going underground. So glad you found this place and know how to handle it all from the beginning. If I were you, I would have the NC letter printed and ready for her to sign. In addition, to a list of IC's for her to see. need to contact the OM's spouse as well. It is the right thing to do and you will need the help on her end to keep the two apart. If she works with will you handle that?

undonelife posted 11/20/2013 14:53 PM

Wow. You go! Very strong healthy reaction.

MOKEN posted 11/20/2013 20:09 PM

Many thanks to you all for your thoughtful responses.
It was a tough night - but i surprised myself at how strong i was.

I sent her 2 messages yesterday to launch d-day. The first was an article i found online called 'is sexting cheating', all i said in my message was - i strongly recommend you read this !
I can only imagine her panic upon reading that... just the title - she probably didnt read the article...

i followed it up about an hour later with the ultimatum and list. Which i found out that night she didnt read - was too scared to apparently. So we talked through it instead.

Everything i read on here was true - the immediately deflection and downplaying of this issue - she had no idea how much i knew...
So each time she deflected i challenged her with more and more information - until she figured out i knew everything and caved.

Im confidant there was no actual physical contact - which is the saving grace for our relationship.

I still got no sleep last night - i thought i would have a weight lifted off my shoulders - but it didn't feel like that. So - we are OK for now, its going to take time for my trust to be restored - if ever... i dont know.

MOKEN posted 11/20/2013 20:13 PM

In relation to telling the other guys wife... im really conflicted about that.

I know she deserves to know - i know i would want to know... but im not sure if i can do it... Its also the only ace i hold over him to keep him away....

I didnt make an idle threat - i will tell her if he continues to make contact... but for now im going to sit on it.

Also - to a poster - they dont work together anymore - ex colleagues now. thankfully.

Will let you know of any developments - thanks for reading and caring.

brkn_heartd posted 11/20/2013 20:23 PM

Go farther. Make sure her computer is not locked down, if so have her passwords. Get her passwords to all of her accounts. Watch for her to open a secret account.

I have a feeling you are just cracking the tip of this iceberg.

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