He has one foot inside the door of your relationship with you tugging on one hand while the skank is tugging at his other with his other foot wobbling on the greener looking grass there. All he can see right now are the weeds at your place & miles of golf course lawn outside your marriage.
This "fog" has blurred his vision of reality so much that he really and truly believes he's a good guy who's sadly misunderstood, unappreciated, unloved and mistreated by his wife. He feels justified protecting his self-image by making YOU the bad guy. In that brain induced high, he feels the other woman is the one who is truly his friend with wonderful levels of concern for his happiness and well-being. In this state, he can and will disregard thousands of your loving gestures toward him while focusing ONLY on one kind word or deed from her. He is able to completely disregard the fact that he's lost all integrity, honesty, honor or respect for you and your marriage. You are the enemy captor in his world. She is his liberator. The fact that she is helping him lie, cheat and steal family time for her benefit hasn't hit him yet. The fact that you must love him greatly to still be standing by him, is something he simply can't comprehend under the influence of the fog.
The fog can hit once a person of either sex is already in the affair. The fog 'victim' is hooked on the affair. They can't see the faults of the affair partner, even though they should be obvious. If the faults are seen, they're whitewashed with what the fog victim (I don't really mean victim, victim, but I can't think of a better term) wants to believe. These feelings really are caused by chemicals in the brain - it's known as Stage 1 Romantic Love, and it's heightened by the fact that the affair is secret, that THIS is the one person who REALLY understands me! I found my soulmate! Everything about the affair partner seems great. Wanting to be around the affair partner becomes a force so strong that other things that shoulld matter cease to matter. Bad decisions get made. The person does things that he/she would never dream of doing. I don't think the fog occurs in all affairs, but it certainly did in mine. I found myself falling in love (or feeling like I was, if you insist I wasnt), and my brain had so many chemicals zooming around it's amazing that that the U.N. didn't sanction me for possessing WMD (weapons of marital destruction).
THAT's the fog. I'm not trying to downplay it, raise it up, or make light of it. But it doesn't happen BEFORE the affair, and As someone who's really experienced it and come out of it, the explanation above is completely useless unless your spouse can take off the blinders and see the other woman for who she really is and not what he wants to see her to be. The other woman is always less than the wife. The other woman is always someone who lies and sneaks around and keeps secrets. And I am a man who needed to have 3 affairs and lose 2 wives before I realized what the other woman offers is never as good as what I already had. I didn't want to hear it when I was in the middle of my affairs but I now see how very foggy it made my feelings for my ex-wife. I do still love her and I always did. The other woman sold me a dream. She could never compete with the true love my ex-wife gave me but she was a lot of fun and was so different from my ex- wife I believed it had to be the right thing to do. If I could go back and change anything it would be that I would have left the other woman to lie and cheat on someone else (because when they cheat with you, they cheat on you. Don't believe she won't do the same to you) while I helped heal the pain I caused my ex-wife and rebuild our marriage because no matter what I said while I was foggy, I did love my ex- wife so much more than I did my affair partner and I will always regret losing her. I told her I love you but I am not in love with you. I was wrong. My ex-wife is now remarried and I miss her so much. I told her I wasn't in love with her anymore because my affair partner was so addictive and she threatened to leave me if I didn't divorce my wife. So I did. All during the divorce I told myself I cared deeply for my wife but just wasn't in love with her anymore. I did love her. I always loved her. My affair partner manipulated and showed me a false side of herself and made me believe I must love her more or I wouldn't have had an affair. And that simply wasn't true but I let myself be convinced it was. If someone can lie and cheat to be with you, they will lie and cheat to you to keep you. Don't fall for it. If your wife is still standing for your marriage, go stand with her. The affair is a fantasy and I wish I listened to those who tried to save me from myself. I can't save my marriage now, it's too late. But maybe, if you're reading this, I can save yours.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
ďNever be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.Ē
I have 2 more emails from him, I will post those as well. He does not want to join. He has been a memeber in the past and felt since he destroyed his own marriage he really sees these sights as triggers now.
[This message edited by STBXW at 12:40 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
Now for wife 2Ö I cheated on her and this time it was different. We had problems. Instead of talking to her I warned her. I said things like if YOU donít shape up I will find someone else. I was so self entitled I didnít see this as a partnership or that I was any part of the problem. When she would get angry I would tell her that was behavior that would make me leave. It was my way of keeping the bad stuff from coming up. She didnít know I cheated in the first marriage, she thought my first wife cheated and left me, she did not know the whole story. I didnít even admit to myself the true story yet I was so selfish still. I saw only what SHE did not what I did.
Over time I went back to AA and I met another woman. We became friends. AA is a good place but yet a bad place for the reason of secrecy. No one wanted to get involved and no one wanted to tell me what I could do. I was in danger but still in denial. I met her small children at the meetings and eventually we talked about our spouses. And eventually we complained about our spouses and eventually we began talking about how we should leave our spouses. Through all of this I kept telling myself my wife deserved this, she was unreasonable and the other woman convinced me she was also toxic. I liked the word toxic. It took all responsibility off me. SHE was toxic NOT me. Wow. I loved this woman who didnít let me blame myself for the things I did to destroy my marriage, it wasnít MY fault, it was my toxic wifeís fault.
Soon nothing my wife did was good enough. I was comparing her to the other woman, my ďjust a friend from AAĒ.. no one ever SAW us kiss and grope after the meetings so I could continue to deny there was anything more to our friendship. I even believed I wasnít doing anything wrong. The other woman was all I could think about. I didnít care if my wife caught me. I wanted to get caught and end the game. This went on for several months and then my wife DID find out, I felt bad that I hurt her but she didnít want a divorce she wanted to save the marriage. I did not expect this. I thought she would just leave. Isnít that what people do? Was I just using the other woman to get rid of my wife? This is what my friends (who BTW were also cheating on their spouses) told me. I surrounded myself with people who werenít crazy about my wife and who thought I should leave her and I shut out everyone who thought we had something real and good and lasting and I was doing a horrible thing. How dare anyone tell me, a grown man, how I should live my life or treat my wife! I didnít even notice I was doing this.
I moved out of our home. I moved in with my brother who was also separated. My brother hated my new girlfriend and thought I was an idiot for doing this to my wife, so I stopped speaking to my brother and told everyone he had no credibility and was an asshole. I did this to protect my new love. I refused to be wrong about her. She was everythning my wife wasnít. I didnít care that she had cheated on her husband many times before. I didnít care that her drug and alcohol problem was so bad she was in and out of rehab the whole time. I didnít even care that while I KNEW she was in rehab and had not been sober that she stood at those meetings and counted off her days sober (144 days sober - meanwhile I knew that a few days earlier she was on darvocets, it was a pill not a drug right? DENIAL DENIAL DENIALÖ tis an ugly beast). For the next 6 months I told the other woman we would be together and I would let nothing stand in the way. Her husband divorced her. Her husband moved away. Her husband remarried. She had no job, no education, no way to take care of herself. I was her hero. I didnít take into account I was also the reason she was in this predicament, yetÖ I was not really her hero. I was a broken man, with substance abuse problems, communication issues, an adulterer not in one marriage but two and in total denial that any of this was MY doing. And this wonderful woman was there for me. My bitter angry wife who kept putting down my girlfriend was a fucking bitch who deserved it all. She was causing my girlfriend and I to fight. Why couldnít she just divorce me or have her own affair and leave me alone? I did not want her. I felt sorry for her. I pitied her sad life and because she was toxic I also told myself no way some other man would want her since I didnít and I carried on as if she didnít matter. At this point she didnít. All that mattered was my girlfriend and how to get rid of my wife. But at the same time my wife was safety for me. What if the same thing happened? Who would take me? My wife. So I played headgames on her, I think these sites call it gaslighting.. I made her think that if she just gave me some time that I would come home. The more she complained she hated this life the more I told myself that was why I had to do this to her, she hated her life with me. She hated her life as a betrayed wife. She did not hate her life being my wife. But the fog had me completely unable to see it this way.
More to comeÖ
What a courageous man to (eventually) face your failings! And courageous to also share your story to help BSs and hopefully WSs understand the mind twist.
Healing and blessings to you!
During the time my wife was trying to get me to communicate, in the early stages of what was an affair but in my denial I called a friendship, she went through menopause and also had a cancer scare. My girlfriend was much younger than us. 13 years younger, she was far from menopause and never had any serious health issue. When I would complain about my wife being happy then sad and me feeling like I had to walk on eggshells and that her coming home made me cringe in hatred that she lived there with me, my girlfriend told me that menopause is not like this. That my wife was making up the symptoms to justify her crazy ass behavior. It was crazy to want to communicate, it was crazy to want to save us, we were not compatible, had nothing in common and had no kids there was no reason I had to put up with her shit, life is short and my wife and her drama of cancer and not getting a period anymore was making me so miserable I should just go and be with my girlfriend and let my miserable crazy toxic wife fend for herself, she was asking for it really. My girlfriend didnít want to see my wife hurt but she didnít want to see me so miserable either. But was I really miserable? I donít even know. Itís all a blur. The more my wife wanted to try the more my girlfriend pushed me to file for divorce already. She was divorced and now wanted me to be too. I promised her we would be together and she wanted me to stop feeling sorry for my wife and start thinking of myself, this was my life and it was about me and my happiness not about my wife who was already over me anyway. My wife had threatened to divorce me by now and my girlfriend said this proved my wife was just crazy and didnít know what she wanted -- one minute wanting to save us and the next telling me she was going to a lawyer. My girlfriend told me she would never do this to me. I believed her. But I started to think maybe my marriage isnít over. Maybe all my friends and family saw something bad in my girlfriend I wasnít seeing. But maybe they just dindít want me to be happy either and wanted me to be with my miserable bitch whore of a wife (yes, by now I told myself my wife was fucking everyone. My girlfriend told me what SHE would do if SHE were in my wifeís shoes and not seeing there is NO comparison ethically to each other, I believed my wife was a pig, but not my girlfriend, never my girlfriend). So I spent a week at a friends house far away from all this and decided to give my wife a chance, maybe we werenít done. I left my girlfriend and told her I think I still love my wife. She was nice enough about it but she then began to torment my poor wife. She called me constantly to tell me she missed me and loved me and that my wife harassed her. She said my wife called her, stalked her, went to her job (she was a cashier), stole from her checking account, did drive bys and called her names. I believed my girlfriend. Looking back, I KNOW my wife would never do those things, but I wanted to protect my girlfriend from my crazy, toxic wife. I tore my wife a new one that night. I demanded she stop bothering my girlfriend. I told her that is why I want to leave that she acts like a crazy lunatic. My wife was in shock. She said she never did these things. I did not believe her. She showed me her phone, she even got a GPS to prove where SHE was at all times (notice how I made my wife prove to ME she was telling the truth? I never asked for proof from the girlfriend Ė who is a cheater and a liar and I knew it, no, I demanded my wife prove to me she was telling the truth). I never stopped calling the girlfriend. I never stopped telling her I loved her. I never told my wife I loved her. I never slept with my wife, but I did sleep with my girlfriend during this time. I never even kissed my wife except for a peck on the cheek when I had to. I was doing the right thing. I was saving my marriage. LMFAO. You can all laugh too. It took me a while, I see it nowÖ I spent Thanksgiving with my girlfriend. I told my wife I wasnít ready to do ďfamilyĒ yet. I did not see or call my wife again until mid-december. She was furious, she demanded I either cut off all contact with my girlfriend and give our marriage a serious chance or she was done. Oh she was done was she? How dare she. I was doing HER a favor by even pretending to be trying when I didnít even love her like a wife anymore. I wanted my girlfriend. I didnít want my wife I had to be with her. I resented her. On Christmas I sent my wife a text wishing her a merry Christmas then never responded to her again until mid January. I had moved on with my new life with my girlfriend. We were now living together. Her children were my children, we spent every moment together. My wife got a cease and desist letter from my girlfriend stating she was not to harass her or me ever again. My girlfriend denied the letter but thought it was funny. I believed her. AGAIN. I told my wife we would never be together again, that I had a new life and I had moved on. My wife wanted to know why I didnít just tell her this, why I did it the way I did. WHAT? Tell her? My not calling didnít tell her I was done? My living with the other woman and the other woman calling me her husband didnít tell her I was done? My telling everyone we were already divorced didnít tell her we were done? I was so pissed. Why wonít this dumb bitch go away and leave me alone. This sweet woman was being harassed by the fucking bitch I married and who wonít let me go. I fucking felt so sorry for my wife. I saw a broken, sad, fucked up person when I looked at her, I didnít see what everyone else saw. She was so ugly next to my girlfriend. But let me tell youÖ my wife was immaculately groomed, she had hair appts and nails done. She was all woman and all real. My girlfriendÖ fake nails, fake hair, missing fucked up teeth, bad breath, farts, burps, curses.. my wife, all naturalÖ and to me the ugliest woman ever next to my beautiful other woman (omg, see what denial is?). Then I had second thoughts again. My wife stopped calling. She stopped texting. At first I was relieved but then I thought maybe I was hasty, maybe I should call her. I did. I told her I was confused. I told her I wanted to see what I wanted because I wasnít sure anymore. My wife, still patient, told me that she wasnít sure she could believe me again. That I would have to prove it. Oh wow, makes sense but prove what? I didnít understand what I was doing wrong. My wife knew about all this, I wasnít lying or keeping secrets I just wasnít telling her what wasnít her business and my new relationship was none of her business. She just wanted my girlfriend gone but I couldnít let her go. I didnít want to let her go. She was everything I wanted. Sure we fought constantly but my wife was always the topic. What I didnít notice at the time was everything was the topic the skank was just throwing my wife in the middle to make me focus on that mess instead of the mess in front of me.. once again, I was piling blame on my wife. She was the problem and if we divorced then everyone would be happy, I really believed that. We would ALL be happy once I got divorced. My girlfriend was so happy now. My wife not so much. But I didnít love her anymore like that so I didnít really care this made her so sad, as long as my crazy girlfriend (I call her crazy now, but I didnít think she was then, then she made perfect sense) was happy I was happy. My family didnít like her, I blamed my wife for this too. Why wonít she just go away? My girlfriend said my wife was poisoning everyone against her. I told everyone to immediately and at once cut my fucking wife off. Do not call her, do not text her, do not wish her a happy birthday or ask how she is and if she ever called not to pick up and not to respond. I asked them to remove every gift my wife ever gave them from their homes and to destroy any and all pictures of my wife Ė especially ones with me in them. My family thought I was crazy but they complied. My girlfriend was happy once again. I filed for divorce. My wife was served at her nephews birthday party. She called me devastated. My girlfriend warned me this would happen and told me what to say, never to deviate from exactly these words or my wife would never get it. Number one being I was never ever ever to tell my wife I love her. Not ever, not once, not even to make her feel better, I was never to be kind or giving to her ever in anyway. And I was to demand my wife stop using my last name immediately or I would sue her. What was I thinking? This is cruel isnít it? Or was it truth? I still sometimes donít know, like I said it was all a blur. I was so confused. So I just ignored my wife totally.
I hope he finds his way up and out. Was a good read.
As for being friends with a wayward lmao.. he was soooo wayward the only help he could have given another wayward was an alibi! He will admit there is no way he can explain it even to himself, but that he "gets it"... In some ways, he's still wayward, he still gets a little fog in his eye when his skank's name is mentioned. And still looks defensive if his wife comes up. I think he hurt her more than he's willing to admit to himself so he's not really ready to face the enormity of that yet. I knew the wife. There is more to this story lol... but this is his story so I will let him tell it...
If that was his kid, he'd still be with the junkie, and he'd still be calling his wife names. Why? Because that way he isn't the asshole for ditching his wife. Now that he sees he ditched her for garbage (birds of a feather and all) he's sorry.
No, not brave. Fog doesn't last for years and years. This is him. Fog is 'romantic love'. He had a life with this pig. He got used because he chose scum. Too bad.
No, not brave. Just looking for sympathy. He's not getting it from me.
Thank you for sharing it. It must have very been difficult for him to dig deep and uncover those things about himself. I think it's easier to stay in denial.
I really appreciate the openness and candor with which he discusses choices he now regrets.
It also made me sad for the wife. I've been in those shoes recently and it's so heartbreaking (and perplexing) to reclassified in such ways.