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Wedding news and my reaction

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UKlady posted 11/20/2013 05:07 AM

Yesterday my brother's girlfriend sent a text saying that my brother had proposed to her and she'd said yes - it was her birthday yesterday and she and my brother have a beautiful little girl who is nearly 2 and a 2 week old little girl as well. It's wonderful news....

BUT..... my reaction was awful. Not to her or my brother - oh no, I immediately sent a text to both saying how wonderful it was.... However, without giving it a thought I showed my H the text and said "well we can't go to that wedding!" " How will we get out of it?" - he was so hurt, so sad and he was very good, said how sorry he was to have caused my negative feelings and that hopefully, in time, when it's time for the wedding we'd be in an even better, stronger place and may feel better about attending.

I'm cross that I responded so vehemently, so swiftly and so verbally!!! Sometimes I should just reflect first.

I guess it's just another thing ruined - but I hope not for ever.

How do BS's feel about attending weddings post A?

Flatlined123 posted 11/20/2013 05:19 AM

We attended our first wedding ceremony this past summer. It was my niece's. I cried through the whole thing.

It was just such a reminder to me to see them so in love (and I truly believe they are) and committing themselves to each other. A real look at what H threw away, the promises he broke. Such a reminder we were like that at one time. I remember making those vows. So saddening that he didn't remember wnd thought only of himself.

I've heard others say they sang the alphabet to themselves during the vows. Maybe that could work for you.

ItsaClimb posted 11/20/2013 06:37 AM

Fortunately we have not been invited to a wedding since D-Day, if we were, I think I would make an excuse not to go. I really don't think I could cope with going to a wedding right now. I don't know how I will ever face a wedding again. I am only thankful that my daughter's wedding happened a few months BEFORE D-Day, had it happened afterwards... well I don't know how I would have survived it!

I really hope that by the time your brother's wedding happens you will have healed more and will be able to cope with it.

sailorgirl posted 11/20/2013 07:14 AM

I think it's great that you reacted from the gut. Now you have a warning and can proceed with caution.

We've been to two weddings since d-day. I detached from the first invitation, didn't think about it ahead of time, and didn't consider not going. I drifted along until the vows and that was really tough. Plus, I hadn't even talked about it with H so I was really resenting him but had to be Miss Cheerful until the whole reception was over because there was no way to talk privately.

I thought I would do better at the second wedding, because R is going so well and we were nine months past d-day. Guess again. It was H's side of the family so the same FOO issues that set H up to be a WH were on display and I was miserable.

Many present had been at our wedding and were remembering how much we loved to dance (swing) and asking us why we weren't out on the dance floor . . . Yikes, it was bad.

I was resentful of H all over again, although truly it was my responsibility to figure out how I was going to feel, communicate that, and stop overestimating my strength and being stoic.

I would err on the side of caution. We are still in an R slump brought on in part by that second wedding. (No time to talk as kids and puppy are extra needy and H has to work long hours this week.)

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 7:17 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

shatter-ed posted 11/20/2013 07:26 AM

It was 3 years after DDay that we had a wedding invite. I was very worried about how I would be but it was avery good friend and no way I could not go! And it had been 3 years!
It was a beautiful wedding they both looked wonderful and so happy. I did have a little tear but it was ok.
Unfortunately 6 months later FWH's best man at our wedding was getting married (2nd M), on our wedding anniversary!! FWH was very understanding and told friend , who is one of few who know about the A that he didn't know if I would be able to make it and why? Friend ,typical bloke, hadn't remembered that was our anni and was sorry and understood if I couldn't go but would love me too. Anyway I did go mainly for appearances and DD who is good friends with grooms D BUT the ceremony killed me, those words cut like a knife, he said all that to me, I cried the whole way through the vows, DD thought it was funny I was crying, "its a wedding mum, you're supposed to happy" just made me worse

However as I said the wedding previous to that was 3 years after DD and bearable and I am very happy for the couple and wish them a long and faithful M. I wouldn't have missed it, I refuse to let my FWH's shitty choices stop me from celebrating someone elses wedding day, and especially if it was my brothers!!

I am now skeptical of M and the point in it and the vows you make, but if people want to M that is their choice and I wish them all every happiness in the world and pray they remain faithful and don't destroy the person they loved so much on that day!

Hopefully by the time of your brothers wedding you will feel able to go and celebrate his happiness with him! I don't know about you but prior to DDay I had 16 wonderful years of M (the 2 before DDay not so good) and I wouldn't change them for the world!

TennisTC posted 11/20/2013 07:45 AM

Don't be so hard on yourself! You responded in a congratulatory manner to your brother and his fiance and it was their day. Your H should understand why, in private to him, you would share your hesitation regarding attending the wedding and watching another couple say their vows when your H broke his own.

A couple months after DDay, my mom and step-dad were married in a small ceremony on the beach. I was a bit hesitant at first, but then my mother's out-of-state wedding planner wasn't following through on the details and I stepped in. I ended up basically taking the lead and coordinating the details for flowers, cake, etc. My H and I had a big wedding, and my mom was my rock during planning and the day of, not to mention she paid for the entire thing herself. It felt great to be able to be there for her like she was for me.

During the actually ceremony, I just tried to focus on what was going on in front of me, and not let my mind wander. My mom and step-dad had been together for 12 years, so I just thought about how happy I was for them. During the vows my mind did go "there" and I shed a few tears, but the good thing is that many people do at weddings, so it wasn't out of place at all.

SoVeryTired5 posted 11/20/2013 09:53 AM

The next wedding we're invited to is my cousin's wedding, and the reception is being held the same place that our reception was held. I wish I could get out of going, but I can't. I'm already dreading it.

blackbirdfly posted 11/20/2013 09:59 AM

It can be hard. I was in my best friend's wedding this summer. And while I had some sad moments, I was so happy that she had found this perfect person. I knew their vows meant something. I also know now that no marriage is perfect, that they will have their problems and that they will find their way through.

It was hard but happy and it was a beautiful day. My WH was kind and helpful, and I loved seeing old friends. I tried to think of it as a big party.

Heartbroken2013 posted 11/20/2013 10:06 AM

5 months after my D-day, my H walked our daughter down the aisle in the same church that we got married at, and said the same vows that we said, to the same minister that married us!

And to this day I have never thought about it in that sense until now!

Im glad I didn't think about it on the day of the wedding, it would have spoilt it for me.

I hope in time u can enjoy going to weddings again. It should be a memorable moment and in time, it will be again x

steadfast1973 posted 11/20/2013 10:12 AM

I am both a wedding minister and wedding photographer (not at the same time ) That first wedding after dday#1 was wretched (2 weeks in...). The minister (I acted as photographer) gave a 25 minute sermon on fidelity. I wanted to flee from the church with my hands over my ears. It didn't help that I was at a wedding the weekend his EA was supposed to turn PA (thankfully it didn't... though... I wish it had, then maybe there wouldn't have been a Dday#2 it took 3 attempts to actually go through with the act... )

myeverafter posted 11/20/2013 11:14 AM

We had been invited to fWH's cousins wedding about 3 months after DD. It was in the same church where we had gotten married at. And the reception was at the same place where we had ours. I couldn't go to the wedding.

I was nervous about going to the reception, but they had decorated it so differently, it wasn't at all the same. fWH had a really, really hard day that day. I think he was again realizing how much he really messed up. It didn't help that his parents (who knew about the A) kept mentioning our wedding. It was hard for me not to freak out to them.

SoVerySadNow posted 11/20/2013 13:02 PM

We have to go to a wedding Thanksgiving weekend. It will be the first since dd. It's a situation that's a bit challenging anyway, (family issues rear their heads at times like this) but the added stress of a huge trigger...ugh.

I get what you're feeling, UKlady. And your reaction was an honest one.

crazyblindsided posted 11/20/2013 13:19 PM

The first wedding I attended after the A I too did not want to attend. During the ceremony I felt like screaming. I felt sick to my stomach and started crying. It was awful. Thank god I was wearing my sunglasses. Someone behind me question's another, "Would you ever get married again?" and I silently thought to myself hell no! My WH held my hand the entire time and hugged me throughout. I don't plan on going to weddings anytime soon unless I really have to.

Bikingguy posted 11/20/2013 13:40 PM

Our family went to a wedding for my sister's husband's son.
The ceremony was terrible If it was not for being stuck in a middle row I would have walked out. Taking family pictures was also terrible. Of course it did not help that Sister's husband is an ass who does nothing for sis. I am not religious so that made it hard as well.

Ironically the reception was a mixed bag. I refused to let another event go by without enjoying it. So I danced with my kids (I never dance) and had a good time.

All in all, it was really tough day. I did share with WW were my thoughts were and it did help having her apologize and hoping someday being able to enjoy in another couple's day.

FeelingSoMuch posted 11/20/2013 14:06 PM

You have to go.

Yes, you'll probably be triggered throughout the wedding. But it's your sister and you will one day regret missing her wedding.

Is there a way for you to attend and take into account that you'll be triggered? Maybe ask to be seated at a table that would allow you to sneak out for fresh air if you need time alone? Meds from your doctor?

I guess WS don't think about the circle of damage when they cheat. Sigh...

LivinginLimbo posted 11/20/2013 15:24 PM

We went to my cousin's daughter's wedding 6 months after D-Day. An added "bonus" for me is that the reception venue was right next to the hotel where my FWH first had sex with the seven year LTA AP. My sister, who is unaware of the cheating, actually stayed at the hotel. Fortunately, she didn't ask us to pick her up or drop her off at it.

My FWH was keenly aware of how difficult it was for me to be there, particularly being that close to where that A began. He held my hand and stayed close the entire time.

I managed the same way I've done with so many difficult situations and triggers. I put on a brave front and suppress it until I'm in a better position to release my emotions.

Hopefully, by the time your brother's wedding is scheduled, you'll be in a better place and will be able to enjoy it.

avicarswife posted 11/20/2013 20:37 PM

We have attended 2 weddings since D-day. The first was for our daughter.

It wasn't only the wedding day I struggled with, but all the preparations. I felt my opportunity to be a joyful MOB was hugely impacted. However the day itself was lovely - yes I was very tearful during the vows and I had to battle with the voice in my head yelling what hypocrite he was during WH's father of the bride speech. However mostly I was able to focus on the happy couple.

I think WH was disappointed our daughter didn't ask him to marry her - d-day was very soon after they got engaged. I am just so grateful they had decided on someone else as I don't think I could have managed that.

somanyyears posted 11/20/2013 20:52 PM

..our eldest will be tying the knot next Sept.

..i can only hope and pray that their marriage doesn't end up like ours.

..given the total lie mine turned out to be, I don't really believe in the institution any more.

..but i can't bring myself to tell them that!!


[This message edited by somanyyears at 8:53 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

UKlady posted 11/22/2013 02:43 AM

Thank you everyone for replying to this thread.

Sigh..... I'm not surprised though that weddings have been/are a huge trigger for us BS's out there....

I spoke to my brother's fiancee yesterday (not about the A - none of my family know about it) but just about the wedding and it would seem that there is absolutely no rush for it to happen - I think I have at least a year before I need to get worked up about it again and, who knows, maybe I'll be in a better place then.

Am so sad that something I believed in so passionately will now be something that will hurt me, hearing those vows - the same vows that my H made to me but then broke....

sohowamI posted 11/22/2013 05:12 AM

Four weeks after DD1 my son got married. Before that day my WS and I hosted a party for him and his future wife for people who would be unable to attend his wedding. That was three weeks out from finding out about my WS's on-going affairs (and not the others that I found out about AFTER my son's wedding!). You can imagine the state that I was in...

Subsequently we've been to at least three other weddings. I felt that 'life had to go on' but I was angry, angry, angry. I just wanted to tell everyone NOT to go through with it. Before my son's wedding I sat him down and basically said that if he wasn't committed to her, loved her, respected her and wasn't prepared to ever be unfaithful to her, then he shouldn't bother... (He doesn't know about us, for all sorts of reasons). I think that he was quite bemused by my vehemence.

So, UKlady, I quite understand your reaction. The thing is, it would be such a shame to miss your brother's wedding. I know how hard it will be and how cynical you will be feeling but if you can, try to enjoy it for his sake. Not every marriage is damaged by betrayal; not everyone is a cheat or a liar.

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