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Lost Again.....

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Shocked2believe posted 11/20/2013 08:08 AM

I'm back AGAIN! Sorry to subject you all to my misery!

So sometime yesterday whilst running away from my 'trigger' (which still managed to catch me no matter how fast I ran), I tripped and lost my b#tch boots. Now I'm trying to pick myself up and carry on running but just can't get out the doldrums. Trigger: WH upcomingy Christmas party (where it all began last year). Won't go into it again as I've mentioned it in other threads.

I was also feeling so much better on Monday because of the positive things he'd said to me and then he promptly retracted much of it with a discussion on Monday night (which I might add that he initiated for the first time in a long time), hence my anger at the beginning of yesterday but now I've plummeted to a new low again...... I'm so tired of it all and so terribly SAD! I'm so angry with me for going backwards again and moving forwards. I feel I should be more angry than sad. Is it time to ask him to leave? Will thisgive me time to heal and ignore my trigger? Just venting and in limbo as usual. .....

simplydevastated posted 11/20/2013 08:23 AM

You're not subjecting anyone, this why we're here. Post as much as you need to.

I feel for you, I really do.

The going back and forth is all part of the rollercoaster ride. This is normal, expecially when you're dealing with a WS that is sending mixed signals, as it sounds like you're WS is doing. That just screws with the mind.

Is it time to ask him to leave? Will thisgive me time to heal and ignore my trigger?

Only you will know when it's time to ask him to leave. Are you trying the 180? Do you do anything for yourself? That might be a good place to start. Also, if you are thinking about asking him to leave, you may want to have a consult with a lawyer first just to get your ducks in a row. The more knowledge you have will just help you make a proper decision.


eachdayisvictory posted 11/20/2013 08:24 AM

Someone here once (I think Blakesteele) said that they consider the first year of recovery a 'not divorcing' year. That sounds sad, but thinking about my decision making process, that helped me a lot.

I decided to think of this first year in that way, and I am incredibly grateful that I did. There were times when I might have given up, but I know I want to save my relationship and my family - so I know that I will give everything I have to this recovery, which includes honouring my needs in the relationship and my H meeting my conditions of R.

I will tell you that I endured some shameful words and behaviour from my H off and on during the first few months, and if I hadn't decided to give a year at first, I may have walked away. I would be very sad if that had happened, and I wouldn't have seen the growth and change in my H that I have had the opportunity to see. Coming out of the fog of the affair takes a long time for the WS, and your H could be going through regular processes.

I would say that you need to be sure about what you want right now, and do what you need to. I felt it was very important for me to sit with a change or thought or question for at least a week before I acted on them. I needed to allow myself ample opportunity to change my mind, and still do.

It's so hard, and I'm so sorry that you're going through this now. I read once about our (BS) situation like this;

"(We) have been living in terror; but it now gives way to smooth, dull shores of sadness. Terror is mobile, sadness stagnant." - Dan Franck

I related a lot to this, and it helped me to recognize myself in this quote a bit.


ladies_first posted 11/20/2013 08:57 AM

Is it time to ask him to leave?

If you actually want him to skip the Christmas party, start there, before you pull out the big guns.

Dallas2 posted 11/20/2013 09:12 AM


Post here whenever you need we are all here because of the same thing.

First don't get angry with yourself for your feelings. They are as "normal" as can be on this rollercoaster ride from hell. Anger is a feeling that comes and goes a lot so does the sadness. Are you doing the 180? Take care of yourself- do whatever you need to feel better. I wrote in a journal, beat pillows, got a haircut and wnet on antidepressants.

Your feeling are your. Why do you feel you should be more angry than sad. Depression is felt by many of us and it takes awhile to get over it and the anger will surface again from time to time.

I am sorry your H is waffling. That makes it hard on th BS. Only you know if it is time to ask him to leave. What do you think will happen if he goes? Is it a step towards D? I agree befor you do anything see a lawyer. I believe knowledge is power and lawyers have the knowledge you need to help with this choice.

Can he skip the Christmas party or can you go? Seems like that is a huge trigger for you and maybe you should talk to him about it. Many WS's have no clue as to what a BS is feeling or thinking. (Sorry to those WS who got it).

Again take care of yourself.

Shocked2believe posted 11/20/2013 09:59 AM

Dallas2: No he cannot not go to the party (in fact is my birthday the week before and when the proposed dates where sent out he asked specifically for this date so he didn't have to miss it due to my birthday - I know this due to snooping on his work phone). He's also told me how much he's looking forward to it, 'to let his hair down'. Spouses are not invited and due to snooping again, I found out that spouse's can join the after party but he's told me that he will never introduce me to OP. ????

I am also on antidepressants and feel far more in control when I'm angry. I feel that I'm able to find myself and move forward when I'm angry. When I'm sad I fell soooo out of control and anxious. The anxiety is a huge deal for me as I've never ever felt so out of control of my emotions (even after suffering from depression before). The sadness also seems to linger longer than the ups which is very disheartening.

Thank you all for listening.

cancuncrushed posted 11/20/2013 14:00 PM

IS Ow at the party? I too had company party triggers. Huge ones. I finally faced it, got passed it, but in the end, I still dont like it. That trigger was a roller coaster, and in the end, I am indifferent. I still dont care for the people attending (her friends still stay incontact with her. ) . I personally think its crazy to revisit your worst trigger, during the holidays. In practical common sense, why would you? ....Holiday pressures..... H feels pressure to attend. I am ready to stop going to these company parties, forever. I plan to recommend we pass. We havent received the invite yet. I can say, I could not and would not go , if OW was attending. Getting past the anxiety, really didnt change my lack of joy at these functions.

Trying2Survive1 posted 11/20/2013 14:07 PM

I really dislike those parties when the spouses aren't invited. I would be especially uncomfortable and suspicious if the OW was going to be there! I think you every right to request your H not attend. That's what I would do.

Scubachick posted 11/20/2013 14:08 PM

I would ask him not to go to the party if she's there and then both of you go to the after party together. What do you mean he won't introduce her to you? I made my husband introduce me to her. I wanted her to feel uncomfortable.

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