Im a mess lately, and I cant control it or help it. This month is hard. Its the month that the A was happening. I was completely clueless at this time last year. I am in SO MUCH PAIN. My WH complains that Im quiet. He doesnt like to talk much about it, he says we need to move past it. I dont know if we are in R. I dont know how my WH feels, we get into fights about it sometimes. He has maintained NC, transparency. He helps more. I just dont know if I can get past it. We had to have a lot of trust to be together and get through the long distance relationship, but now the trust has been blown up.
Mini letter to WH:
I am in so much pain. I still dont understand how you could have done this. I think about it every day. I feel like our past has been erased. I cry every time I think about our past good memories. I cry at thought or mention of of our wedding. I feel so, so very betrayed. We met each other by random circumstances, we were separated by an ocean and still stayed together. We were apart all of that time, skyping and calling and doing everything we could to be together. We were loyal all that time we were apart, and I feel so awful that a year after we FINALLY was able to be together, and a year after we were married you slept with someone else.
I thought we were soulmates. We made all those pinky promises that we wouldnt cheat or lie to each other. I supported you while you were over in the states, and I paid for all the visa costs. We had such a good time in England at Christmas, even if we didnt have any money. I worked two job when you first got over here, before you could work, while I was pregnant just to make ends meet. It just confuses me and hurts me that you would cheat on me after all of this. I even used to have bad dreams about you cheating on me when you started work here in the states, and you used to calm me down and assure me that it would never happen, but then it did.
I never thought you were capable of cheating, especially after what happened with your sister.
I thought we were soulmates, and now I dont know what I think. I dont know what I feel. I am so so very sad. Before the affair, I loved you like I never thought possible. You were perfect and beautiful, and mysterious, and funny, and sweet and I thought that I had the one perfect one, because you told me there was a lot of cheating that happens in England. You were so loyal and sweet. I looked at you and the world was a better place, and always sunny. I counted the minutes till I got to see you, and your kisses made me weak in my knees...every single time. You always told me that we were linked, and when we got pregnant with twins I really thought we were.
But how can we be linked if you found someone else? How were we soulmates if you slept with someone else?
I stupidly thought that you thought the same about me. I thought I was so lucky to look like me, and get someone like you. I stupidly thought that you were only attracted to me, and I had fulfilled everything you wanted in someone. I thought your love was absolute.
But now I dont know what to think. I now realize that I wasnt the only one that you could find attractive, that I wasnt the only one you wanted sexually. I am so stupid. And I am in so much pain I feel like drowning.
When i see you, I dont see that person I used to know and it makes me so mad and hurt that I cant see him anymore. And I try to find my old WH back, but I cant. I dont want to let go of that person, because he wouldnt have done those things. He always used to tell me " A problem shared is a problem halfed" , but you dont want to hear my pain anymore.
Well thats all I can muster up right now. Im just so hurt.