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Affair talking or just doesn't love me

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Horsegirl posted 11/20/2013 09:39 AM

Long story but short version is married for almost 10yrs to a great guy and I thought we had a good relationship. We 32yrs old and successful in our jobs and ran a business together. We spent a lot of time on the farm together but also time going on vacation, movies, dinner, etc. We had conversations about sometimes sex would be lacking but we always got back on track. We just were busy.

2wks before the big bomb I got a story about how he was unhappy, wondering what else was out there, I let myself go and we weren't compatible. We vowed to work on things and we talked about it.

Then the weekend from hell where he informed me he just couldn't be married to me anymore. We were just too different, he was unhappy, had been unhappy for years, didn't like me as a person and wasn't sure why he married me. I was absolutely shocked. We talked that night and the next day the sex was good and we vowed to go to counseling.

Then on my b-day he came home and said he was leaving and wanted a divorce. Packed a bag and stayed at a friends for a week. Then I find out he is living with a friend..yep..she left her boyfriend of 3yrs and they were living together but just as "roommates/friends." Right. I have now been told he was suffering in our marriage. He hadn't loved me in years. I have a terrible personality. I controlled him. He was just an obident husband.

It has been almost 2 months since he left. Last night he told me that there is no affair. He said he had just waited to see if things would change with us and they didn't and he let it build until he hated me. This girl has nothing to do with it (she is 24!).

I really don't know what to think. Is it an affair talking? There is so much history rewriting..I should have married you..I was forced into marrying you..I was so unhappy..I didn't love you in years. I have no clue what to think. He has blamed it all on me. I was a terrible wife. I didn't support him. I controlled him. It is crazy talk because that is not true (well he is passive so it is possible that I made the decisions but only because i asked and he didn't offer up suggestions).

It is possible that it is just an emotional affair and not physical. I just don't know what to think at this point. He left me but yet is so angry at me. He doesn't want to speak to me. He basically hates me. Said it was a LONG 10yrs and here I thought we had a good marriage.

He filed the divorce after he left and we will be divorce in 4 months.

I love this man but I just feel like I am hopeless. I can't decide if he really does feel that way about me or if this is him having an affair. It makes me feel better if it is an affair because I can justify his actions. Otherwise, I have to face that I guess he doesn't love/like me and my whole marriage was a lie.

Healing2012 posted 11/20/2013 10:44 AM

In my opinion, you hit the nail on the head when you said he was rewriting history. I can only speak from my experience, but my WH did a lot of this, too, after I found out about the A. I treated him like a roommate. He assumed our marriage was over. Blah blah blah. I think it's the WS way of deflecting responsibility. He doesn't want to be the bad now you are (in his mind). I highly doubt he never loved you. I doubt that he hates you and regrets the marriage. I do believe, however, that he is caught up in this A and is choosing to rewrite your history together so he doesn't feel guilty.

You need to know that this is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. Even if you were having some communication issues (we all do), HE made the choice. He had many other options, but he chose an A.

I am so sorry you are going through this. We are here for you. Keep posting. You will get lots of great support and advice.

Sending you strength...

Horsegirl posted 11/20/2013 10:50 AM

He moved in with her and just acts like he doesn't even know me. It is the craziest experience that I have ever had. He refuses to acknowledge that they have anything outside of a friendship. He has put all the blame onto me for the failure of the marriage. Wonder if he will ever look at himself.

hopefulmother posted 11/20/2013 10:52 AM

How does he know the woman he is with? Can you ask other friends or co-workers if they suspected that there was an A? Most likely he is denying it due to divorce benefits.

Can you get proof? Phone records are the best way to check. Computer logs of the time they may have spent together.

Sounds like it was an A to me. He is just being an Ass blame shifting onto you.

Horsegirl posted 11/20/2013 10:57 AM

She was my friend! She had been riding at my farm for a year. Two days after he left me she left her boyfriend of 3yrs to move in with him. I see they text each other all day long. I know they have been seen all over together but nothing in terms of any romantic behavior while out. They both deny but he was seen by a friend driving her car (she was the passenger) which doesn't seem like normal "friend" behavior.

I noticed them talking to each other quite a bit but didn't really suspect anything. It very well could just be emotional before they left but hard to say.

Lionne posted 11/20/2013 11:06 AM

Let him go. Move on. It's absolutely true that he is rewriting history. You did everything you were supposed to do. You were a good wife, partner and friend. HE WAS/IS an idiot, a passive-aggressive baby. He may think he's found his soul mate, but chance are the bloom will be off the rose soon enough. HE IS BROKEN.

Don't abase your self by pleading, begging or trying to get him to see reason. He won't. He's in the fog big time.

Take care of yourself. Do VERY nice things for YOU. Take a trip. Get a new hairdo, wardrobe and a few massages. Get into IC to help you deal with the betrayal from this a$$hole.

He will eventually realize that it wasn't you. If he doesn't, he just bounce from relationship to relationship thinking it's always the other person. It's sad and he is to be pitied, but right now he doesn't deserve any more of your energy...

Hug, honey. Take my word for it. Read my story. It's better you find out now and not waste any more of your life with a man-child.

LIGHTCHASER posted 11/20/2013 11:12 AM

I can assure you that they are having an affair. Everything you have written exactly has happened to me. The only difference is that my husband had to confess the affair. And I felt the same when he told me that he never actually loved me because our sex life was bad from day one. I was married for 9 years and together with him for 10 years when he told me this and I had to ask myself if 10 years of my life was a huge lie. Now we have been separated for 4 months. Now he says that he wants to return home for the kids but I refuse to continue with a marriage when there is no love.
It is your decision what to do with your marriage but be sure that they are having an affair.

Horsegirl posted 11/20/2013 11:19 AM

So far he hasn't even once cracked about feeling sorry or wanting to return home. It has all been you are a terrible wife. You have a terrible personality. You controlled me. I was suffering. I mean we were having sex until the day he left. We went on vacations and spent all our time together. We had a very close relationship. Nobody saw him being unhappy. I had no clue he was unhappy! He treated me so well until the day he walked out the door.

I think something happened between the two of them before he left causing him to want to leave. He walked away from a $$$ farm, his animals, his wife and a good business that we ran. He seemed to love the farm and our life but then boom he was just gone. He basically wants no contact with me.

Sammy2013 posted 11/20/2013 11:27 AM

He is having an affair. A man doesn't move in with a 24 year old unattached female as just friends.

It's text book for the WS to blame the BS for everything. Until they come out of the fog and see everything for what it is, there isn't much you can do. My WH did the same thing to justify his affair in the beginning. Wondering "if this is all there is in life", "our marriage was over, we just couldn't admit it", etc. Every marriage has its issues, and ours were pretty normal (kids and life got in the way, but I thought we were happy and we would get past it). He has since come out of the fog and admitted that none of it was true. But I couldn't control the fog lifting for him. Sometimes, even if they don't stay with the AP, the fog never lifts for them.

Check out the 180 in The Healing Library. You need to worry about you, understand it's not your fault. He made these decisions, not you. I know none of this helps your pain. I am so sorry you have found yourself here.

devasted30 posted 11/20/2013 11:39 AM

HI. I agree with Sammy2013, do the 180. Possibly when he sees that you are moving on you might be able to jump start him coming out of the fog. But, now you have to decide if you want to continue a marriage where you have been treated this way. My story is a little different as I've put 30 years into this marriage. But, if I was only 10 years into it and your age, I'd be gone in a heartbeat. I'm assuming that you don't have any children - which makes it easier to walk away...but, without a doubt, he is "in the fog" and nothing could possibly be his fault. Of course it's all your fault. How could he live with himself if he admitted that it takes 2 people to destroy a marriage. Don't forget you are not to blame - you are 50% responsible for the marriage breaking down but he is 100% responsible for cheating. It's all on him and he can't face that. He will eventually, but by then, if you are smart you will be long gone. I know this hurts - it's hard to breath but you will survive this. Unfortunately, your life with be forever changed no matter what happens. Keep eating, drinking and exercising and keep writing - we are all here to help. You are not alone.

Horsegirl posted 11/20/2013 11:44 AM

I mean really to leave on my birthday. Wow, that is just cold. So far no fog lifting.

Once they move out can they ever admit they messed up?

Horsegirl posted 11/20/2013 11:46 AM

We don't have any kids (thankfully!) but I do still very much love him and believe in our marriage. This is so unlike him. His version of our marriage seems so distorted that it makes me feel a bit crazy that my memories are so different. He is so angry at me which is also odd because he is the one who literally just walked out on me. I try to keep communication just to financials. He is moving right ahead with the divorce. No talk about him making a mistake.

Horsegirl posted 11/20/2013 11:51 AM

So at this point it is pointless to even try talking to him or sending him an email to try to open his eyes that perhaps it isn't me but him? I did my best to expose the affair. Told his boss, told friends, told his sister that he was living with this girl. He keeps denying it to everyone (but he is military so he can't just admit to it). I have no direct evidence but my gut just says it has to be. I mean what type of girl leaves for a man who just left his wife to be his roommate unless you were involved in the decision for him to leave.

hopefulmother posted 11/20/2013 11:57 AM

Some do...when they realize the grass isn't greener on the other side. It may take months to a year. The real question is would you want him back after hurting you so much? At least in my husband never told me it was all my fault (EA) or put me down that bad. I am not sure I could forgive someone that does that. Really, why couldn't he just leave without being mean? If people know..I would post that on FB. Why couldn't you just leave me without being mean, hurtful, and spiteful?

I know I would want to send this to the "other" women friend.

we were having sex until the day he left. We went on vacations and spent all our time together. We had a very close relationship. Nobody saw him being unhappy. I had no clue he was unhappy! He treated me so well until the day he walked out the door.
I think something happened between the two of them before he left causing him to want to leave. He walked away from a $$$ farm, his animals, his wife and a good business that we ran. He seemed to love the farm and our life but then boom he was just gone.

I am sure that everyone else in your town sees it the way it is. He is with a woman that young and left so is an A.

If I were you...I would jump on the Divorce boat first. Just act like it is you who wants the marriage to end. The best way to get even...appear better off without him. If you guys have so much...he is hiding the A to keep from being burned by the divorce.

Sal1995 posted 11/20/2013 12:04 PM

(well he is passive so it is possible that I made the decisions but only because i asked and he didn't offer up suggestions)

So sorry you are going through this Horsegirl. I quoted the above because I and many others on this site learned first hand the pitfalls of being married to a passive person. They tend not to express themselves to avoid confrontation, let resentments fester, and be people pleasers, which I believe are key ingredients to an affair. If your WH ever comes around and wants to reconcile, I highly recommend getting a good counselor who can get him to dig deep and talk. Best wishes. Sal

Horsegirl posted 11/20/2013 12:07 PM

He already filed for the divorce and our state is a no fault state. We will be divorced at the end of march. It is all just happening so fast.

hopefulmother posted 11/20/2013 12:09 PM

What about talking to the girls ex?

Horsegirl posted 11/20/2013 12:11 PM

Her ex was just as shocked as me. We had been hanging out with them all the time (they lived right across the street from us) as a couple. He is as devastated as I am about it all. Shocked because he didn't know they had any issues. They had just rented that house, outfitted the whole house and then she just up and leaves out of nowhere.

LIGHTCHASER posted 11/20/2013 13:03 PM

I was also going to suggest talking to the woman's ex-boyfriend but later I saw your response. I must say that both of them were good at acting and neither of you got suspected of anything. You could ask her ex to be your witness in your divorce case. No judge would think that it was just a simple coincidence that two of them suddenly realized there was something wrong with their marriages and innocently decided to leave their partners and share the same house.
By the way, I totally agree with your husband's distorting the truth about your marriage and trying to rewrite history in order not to feel guilty. He is under the fog and only remembers the bad times. However, you might be distorting the truths and remembering only the good moments you had with him. This is what happened to me. I thought we had such an excellent marriage and all of a sudden this woman came into our life and crashed everything into pieces but now after giving myself some time I now remember receiving almost no love from him. He only showed me some affection in bed just to satisfy his needs and when he is done he directly went back sleeping. I remember his not even kissing me when I gave birth to our twins or when he was wishing me happy birthdays etc.You will see what I mean after some time. Lots of love

devasted30 posted 11/20/2013 13:06 PM

Hang on Horsegirl. I'll bet you this story is going to take a lot of twists and turns before everything settles down. Just you wait, there is so much more to this story than what you are seeing. Get prepared because you are in for a very bumpy ride. Isn't it funny how life can literally change on a dime? My WS came home one day and told me he didn't want to be married any longer. Wanted to live on his own. I was stunned. We had just returned from a 2 week European vacation and had had a great time. A crisis at work put him over the edge. A little over 2 weeks later, I found out about the OW. 11 weeks after that, he emailed me and told me he still loved me. And that was the beginning of a long, long sad story. As sure as I am sitting here responding to you I guarantee you there is a lot more to come. Stay strong.

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