SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BACKGROUND:

Met DuH, madly insanely in love, got married 4 years later, had DS1 the following year and things went downhill. I think I was suffering from PPA and never got help. I focused on DS, DuH focused on himself. We might be co-dependent, when I turned my focus to DS1 and my role as a mom it may have been the thing to make DuH stray.

AND THE STORY:

About 2 years ago (may 2012), when I was 9 months preggo with DS2 my spidey sense went off and I checked DuH's phone and found out he was having physical affairs with at least 2 people at his work. We went to therapy 2 times and felt like we could handle it from there. Things got better, but never back to feelings of before we had DS1.

Last night I noticed DuH logged onto his gmail on my ipad, and found correspondence from February of this 2013 with 1 of the girls from his work - talking about wanting to meet up again, he told her how the month before I took the kids out of town for the weekend and he had sex with a girl he used to date a long time ago - they had sex at our house. Then the next email from him is - "I feel guilty we have to stop" And she is furius with him and calls him out on the other girl he had sex with and the fact that he won't meet up with her. And then she emails him a month later saying hi and he never wrote back - so it seems.

I confronted him last night and he denies everything. He denies sleeping with someone else in our house, and still denies doing anything physical wiht the girls from work. We talked about how we would do a separation, or how we would work it out. I guess the plan is to work on it 1 more time for a year or so and if neither of us are happy then its over.

I did some more digging and found that he had created some online accounts for disgusting meetup websites 2 years ago (before we went to counseling and before i busted him for the affairs in early 2012). I don't know what else he could be hiding. He isnt phone or tech savy at all. Im contemplating buying a spy tracker thing to get an honest view of if he's being faithul. I dont know if I can live like this, always checking on him, being lied to, but I dont know if I can handle a divorce with 2 young kids. I feel like a failure. I dont know who I'm married to anymore.

If he won't admit he won't change right? I feel like i have the right to give him one more chance then i can feel at peace that I'm making the right decision to end it. I have no problem testing him or checking his emails/facebook. or am i wasting my time?

(((babyblue81))), sweetie, you did not cause him to stray. That was 100% his choice. You don't own any part of that no matter what the situation. Don't allow that nonsense to stick.

I am sorry for the reasons you are here, but glad you found these boards. It does not appear from what you have shared your WH is even regretful and continues to be deceptive so likely you've only discovered the tip of the iceberg of his extra-marital activities. I know that's hard to hear but facing reality is a step toward healing for YOU.

What MakingLemonade said--you are not the cause of him straying. I partially blamed myself for my H's first A (when our daughter was 8) because I too was focusing on her more than I was him. But in retrospect I realized he wasn't present to receive focus and any problems we had were primarily because HE had checked out of the marriage.

Your H is cheating because he wants to, not because you're now a mother. Something is wrong with him or he wouldn't be using other women as drugs to dull whatever pain he is feeling. And I highly suspect that is exactly what he's doing. He's unhappy with himself, not you. Make him find out why or you'll never feel safe in this marriage. Or decide to leave, but the common advice here is to give it a little time to see if your marriage can recover.

Yes, he is a serial cheater. As someone who has been in your shoes, I feel for you and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

He denies having sex with the girl he used to date, even though there is an email HE WROTE that says he did? What is his explanation? That he lied about it to the one he was emailing (in order to get her to hook up with him AGAIN)? That "someone must have hacked my email and wrote that"? What could he possibly say to explain and legitimatize that email?

Sounds like he has a serious problem with being honest.

thank you for the reply's

I went to individual counseling (IC?) yesterday and talked to DuH last night. Things have taken a turn for the better (insert red flag here).

IC questioned if the emails i found from Feb of this year were speaking the truth - was my DuH blowing smoke up OW to make her jealous that he had had a different girl over and had sex with her. I felt it odd that she would ask that - but it made me wonder and remember how when we first started dating DuH had told me about how long before we met he racked up phone bills on his roommates phone by calling sex lines and getting thrills out of saying shocking sexual things to them. - I realize that DuH has preexisting sex issues (?) but other than this one situation he told me, everything else is normal.

IC made me feel confident in my choice to talk to DuH - see if he would admit and be honest to anything, seek couples counseling, and go from there - but if DuH does not come clean then i can peacefully know it will never work and a divorce is coming.

DuH and I spoke last night - here's the interesting part. He denies doing anything physical with ANYONE still. He says I won't believe him, but it was all talk. I don't 100% believe it - but i know i was talking to my old DH that I remember, i was not talking to angry scared lying DuH. We had a really good conversation, i asked him how can he prove to me that he didn't do anything physical - its in writing by him and OW that they've done things, and a call/letter from OW does not cut it. I asked, how in the hell did you find another adult women to 'role play this we had sex fantasy' - he said she started it.

I think i can believe DuH having some weird 'fantasy affair' with OW (the girl he says he banged was fake, just to get OW mad). FTR - this "fantasy" affair is wrong, he says its worse than him having a physical affair. i think they're both equally bad and wrong.

He said that back in May of 2012 it almost got physical but i caught him. He admits he became selfish after we had DS1 and became a distant husband, and is open to the idea of seeking IT for himself. We talked about if he had a sex addiction problem - with porn or getting thrills from sex talk. He is open to the idea of no porn and no masturbating for a month to see if that helps us (in my mind this doesn't happen until way down the line when/if i am ready). I don't have a problem with porn, but if he has addictions with it then it has to stop.

He apologizes and feels awful and says he's an asshole but he has never bent over backwards to try and win me back. but he's never been like that ever - maybe the first 1 or 2 bday/valentines he was, but not since then. I told him we need a session where i can cry and scream at him for him to know how much it has really hurt and for him to acknowledge what he has done. he got emotional when i said this.

He knows i will not divorce him if he comes clean, but i will divorce him if he lies. does he not believe me??? i am not sleeping in the bed with him and I'm not telling him i love him. I don't feel mad, just hurt and confused.

Am i crazy by thinking i could contact OW and get the story??? she's obviously a little crazy and may make things worse.

You are not a failure, it was his choice to have the affair. It had absolutely nothing to do with you.

Like you, I felt like I did not know who my husband was anymore. I still don't know who he is but have accepted that he is not the man I thought I married, the man that I loved.

He cheated on his second wife (twice) and cheated on me. He is engaged to his mistress and all bets are on, he will cheat on her too. He's broken.

Right after dday, I found I had to look at what his actions were telling me and not his words. Most of what he said to me at the time, were either lies or justifications. Not the truth.

One of the worst parts of infidelity is that you don't know what to believe. Could it have been all role-playing? Yeah, maybe. Not likely, but maybe. My H also tried to convince me it was all talk, that the detailed description I found of their sexual encounter was just a fantasy, and with no evidence to the contrary I tried to believe that--until I found the pictures that proved otherwise. My H also sat there calmly answering my questions and finally admitted he and his main AP actually did have sex, but that it was only oral because anything further "would be wrong". An odd response, but that wasn't true either. Once again, the pictures don't lie.

From what you've described, I highly suspect your H has some level of sexual addiction. He's shamed by those impulses and wishes he could repress them, so he makes bargains with himself, deciding he can go as far as cheating behavior A, but not cheating behavior B. Then he progresses to B, so he has to set a new limit at C. This is how he lives with himself, by believing he's not THAT bad as he does have boundaries. If he's like my H, it'll take wild horses to drag the worst of the cheating behaviors out of him because he's so damn ashamed that he's almost convinced himself they didn't happen or, if they did, they don't count because he isn't ready to accept that he IS the kind of guy that does C.

Is your H in IC? He needs to be and I'd make sure it was someone qualified to work with sexual addiction. Just the fact that your H is open to the idea that he might be sexually addicted says to me that he knows he is.

Oops--I missed your last line about contacting the OW. Some people have done it and believe they got good information but really, how are you going to be able to believe anything she says? She may lie and say they were physical just to hurt him. Or she may lie and say they weren't to protect him. Unless she has pictures or some other hard evidence, talking to her won't help you. And she doesn't matter anyway; your problem is him. Your H was calling sex lines and trying to abuse those women. Your H is into porn. Your H is having on-line fantasy sex. Your H has a problem and it will only get worse if he doesn't fix it.

i asked him how can he prove to me that he didn't do anything physical

Ask for a polygraph test.

If he agrees, make the appt. If he balks you have your "truth" answer.

Sending strength.

Ugh! I'm really sick of the minimization! That's what he's doing, minimizing the As. Why can't cheaters just be adults and tell the truth? This drives me nuts and I'm angry for you!

Yes he's a serial cheater. I consider my WS one and he never had a PA as far as I know.

I would say that he isn't being truthful cause; he doesn't want to hurt you AND he has figured out a way to convince you that unless u physically see him in the act - you won't believe it. He half way has you and the therapist convinced it was just talk on the emails.

Mine told me his online things were just playing around that he would never actually meet anyone ---WELL 5 times getting caught later --in order for me to believe it ...I had to arrange a meeting with one of his tricks and finally FINALLY had someone tell me the truth - yes they were meeting for sex, they met 2 times etc etc.

Before I told him about my meeting- I say down very calmly and asked him to please be honest, and talk to me, and if he needs to tell me anything to come clean...he looked me in the eyes and said "I have never met anyone, I've never cheated and maybe I should start since I'm being accused of it all the time"

They lie. Yours is a liar too. Do not waste the years I have turning a blind eye. I love him still. I could have forgiven the ONS but the lying and planning and caniving right to my face makes me realize - I do not know this person and I have a right to do a little self preservation and demand a faithful partner. (Mine didn't use condoms so I had the fear of STD's HIV... Luckily it's all negative)

How dare these A-holes put our lives at risk unknowingly for a cheap thrill or ego boost. Get mad. Get very mad. If you don't it will eat away at u in other ways.