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bookjunkie posted 11/20/2013 10:34 AM

So this month is when I started my A last year. And I still feel sometimes like I'm getting nowhere. I'm in IC and I'm reading alot. But I'm finding I have a deep sadness in me. I cry almost everyday thinking about what I did, how I could do that to my H and our M. I'm digging for my why's but don't think I've reached the bottom yet.

Also, the xAP is on my mind alot lately. Is this normal during A season? Have others struggled with this? I read thru Maia's Survival Guide (again) today and every time I do, I always come away with something that helps. This morning, it was that I'm not really sowing any thoughts that reap an action. So I got off my butt and did a workout which is something I need to be doing and not just thinking about.

Anyway, if anyone has any advice for me or can relate how you dealt with this time, I appreciate it.

bookjunkie posted 11/21/2013 08:34 AM

Could really use some help here....Got in my car this morning and a memory came to me. This time last year, I would normally send xAP a text letting him know that I had left the house and it was safe for him to call me. This made me feel sick and sad all at the same time. So I called my H and talked to him but not about why I called. Just told him I felt like crap this morning. He knows that means I'm dealing with stuff from the A but he never asks for specifics and I don't want to tell him that I felt like a very small part of me wanted to contact the xAP. It would just hurt him and I'm NOT going to allow myself to actually contact xAP. Nothing during or since then has been worth the pain the both H and I are going thru. I just feel like I'm getting nowhere.....

Perseverabo posted 11/21/2013 08:40 AM

Book, I'm right there with you. This was the time my affair started last year too and little things trigger me all the time. Cold weather, football games, Thanksgiving, the beginning of Christmas stuff. These things that used to be so exciting to me now just give me such a sense remorse and I wonder how I could have done this to my wonderful family.

If there is any saving grace, it is that I always reflect on how I was thinking and how lost in inappropriate behavior I was. I find some comfort in looking at where I am now. Whereas last year at this point, I was willing to just let my marriage slip away, today I am fighting for it every day and doing all I can to earn back the trust and integrity that I gave away.

My struggles this time of year are definitely second to those of my wife, though. Giving her a timeline of everything that happened was an important step toward healing, but now she is acutely aware of all the anniversaries and her pain is terrible when she thinks about what she was doing last year at this time, blissfully unaware that I was meeting with OW behind her back. I really try to turn my suffering into empathy for how much worse this is for her.

I don't think I have any advice for what helps, but I wanted to let you know that I understand where you are and I'm right there with you.

JustDesserts posted 11/21/2013 09:30 AM

I know you're feeling down, sad, and self-loathing. Been there, done that, still do that. And coming here and sharing, asking for help, is a good, healthy thing to do.

You are a good person who did a bad thing. If you're owning that, and are trying to change, then it is also okay to feel positive, and forgive yourself. It comes in increments.

You are experiencing reality. And opposed to the fantasy of Affairland, feeling reality no matter how uncomfortable and painful, IS progress and healing. And that deserves some self slack.

I'm not sure about other BS's, but mine appreciated when I started bringing myself, broken and damaged as I was, back to her...and to us. Back to the reality of the beauty, and true love we share.

Hiding your feelings, shielding them, is an isolating and negative thing, IMHO.

You've been heard. And boys shouldn't give internet hugs to girls here, and visa-versa, but you have my empathy.

P.s. Don't forget xAP's represent fantasy, damage, & a broken unreality. Profoundly and sadly so...

JD

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:31 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

finallyfree2011 posted 11/21/2013 12:48 PM

I started seeing my xap after a concert I attended with some friends.

I recently saw a fb post about some other friends who were going to see the same band/singer.

Made me start thinking of xap a lot too. But in the end I realized that I was thinking about what would have happend if I had not gone and seen him that night and started it all.

Pretty sure that is a good sign :

BaxtersBFF posted 11/24/2013 08:14 AM

The action of calling your BH instead of following through with an urge to text your AP is good. Yes, your BH may not want to know "why" you called him, but he may also get to a point down the road where he will want to know details, and maybe he'll be able to see that your actions now are focusing on your BH and healing.

Working through all of this shit is definitely a marathon, not a sprint. The 2-5 years mentioned on the boards? Well, part of that (for many of us I think) is the WS working on things like this as well as the BS working on their own healing.

What I'm saying is that I think it is normal to go through what you are going through, especially during the A season. It isn't just a BS experience. It's what you do during this time to make it through that counts. Turning to your BH instead of giving in to the AP is a positive thing, even if your BH doesn't know it yet.

It took me a long time to finally see the truth of the AP and to separate that from the EA. They are two different things. My guess would be that you aren't really missing the AP, but rather the feelings and emotions you experienced during the A. I know we all say it is/was fantasyland, and I understand that, but at the same time, we all had those feelings and emotions. It was a real experience for us at that time. Putting them in perspective now, and figuring out why we needed them and why we are still associating them with some need inside of us is what's important now. the AP could be just about anyone when you look at it this way. The AP doesn't matter.