I know you're feeling down, sad, and self-loathing. Been there, done that, still do that. And coming here and sharing, asking for help, is a good, healthy thing to do.
You are a good person who did a bad thing. If you're owning that, and are trying to change, then it is also okay to feel positive, and forgive yourself. It comes in increments.
You are experiencing reality. And opposed to the fantasy of Affairland, feeling reality no matter how uncomfortable and painful, IS progress and healing. And that deserves some self slack.
I'm not sure about other BS's, but mine appreciated when I started bringing myself, broken and damaged as I was, back to her...and to us. Back to the reality of the beauty, and true love we share.
Hiding your feelings, shielding them, is an isolating and negative thing, IMHO.
You've been heard. And boys shouldn't give internet hugs to girls here, and visa-versa, but you have my empathy.
P.s. Don't forget xAP's represent fantasy, damage, & a broken unreality. Profoundly and sadly so...
[This message edited by JustDesserts at 9:31 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]