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Am I really ready to Reconcile?

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BrokenwingBird posted 11/20/2013 12:12 PM

So 10 days after D-day I said we could date (while separated), go very slowly and if everything went well, then we could move back in together.

This was very hard for me as he had a LTA on and off for the last 2 years. I originally kicked him out and had NO intention of going back...ever. Then he begged, pleaded, promised to do anything, I am all he ever wanted etc. So I figured, If he is really willing to do the work, I should give it a go, right?

So it has been 5 weeks and I am really going through a roller coaster of emotions. He is doing OK so far with making the changes he said he would. For a while we have been communicating better than we ever have.

My problem is this: The last couple weeks, I have been battling major deppression about this. I wake up every morning and remember "oh god, this is my life, and I am thinking of staying married to a complete slimeball" I start thinking that I am foolish to think that it wont happen again and I filled with this feeling of "RUN!"

Is it just that the reality of the situation is setting in? Because I said I would work on this, and if we really can end up with a happier, stronger relationship in the end( which we both want and say we will work for), then I would love that.

Im just wondering if these feelings Im having are normal, or a sign that I made the wrong decision and should walk away. HELP!

sisoon posted 11/20/2013 12:21 PM

If he is really willing to do the work, I should give it a go, right?

Gently...wrong. If he is really willing to do the work, and if you want to R, you could give it a go. R really is a gift you give your WH. It's not required.

The feelings and thoughts you describe are pretty much par for the course. I didn't commit to R for 90 days, but I wanted R from the beginning, and I went through similar stuff. The grief, anger, fear, and uncertainty took me a lot longer to get down to manageable levels than 90 days, though. In fact, as I write this, I've been triggering badly for over 5 hours, and I'm almost 3 years out.

For me, it's important to call things by the right names. When we're actually in the trenches, though, the name we use for what we're doing is probably a lot less important that the work we do. Maybe you're not ready to R right this moment, but you sound at least ready to 'work on the M.' If that goes well, R will look attractive, and you can switch the name you use.

Bottom line, R is difficult - but I think it's just about as difficult as any other outcome is.

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:23 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

LearningToRun posted 11/20/2013 12:37 PM

I think it is normal. You are so in the early days here. Your emotions seem to come out in little doses as you can mentally handle them.

You should give yourself a mental break to process your betrayal. I think it is too soon to even date him. If he really wants to make it right, he will give you space to heal.

Thessalian posted 11/20/2013 21:52 PM

More than normal. I'm 3 months out from DDday, and I did something similar to you - I moved out temporarily until I:

a) Was sure I had got the whole truth from him and
b) Felt like he was ready to do the work.

After those two things happened, though it was clear he was desperate to make the effort, I still spent the next month after moving back in waking up every day depressed and crying, feeling horrified that this was actually my life and this was actually happening, wondering why I was staying married to someone who had treated me this way, if I was being an idiot for allowing myself to potentially be hurt again, spending whole days just wandering from the kitchen to the living room obsessing, feeling severely depressed. And my WH is doing almost everything I ask of him and working very hard, and yes, we are communicating better than ever. I still felt, and sometimes feel, that way.

The rollercoaster has been insane, and from everything I read on here, that's very much to be expected. I've been through some extremely rough times in my life, but nothing has compared to this (I think because my husband is the only person who has every completely gotten through my defense mechanisms, and so I had no defenses to protect myself from him, didn't think I needed them). I resisted the rollercoaster for a while because I hated the person it made me, and I tried to force myself out of it, but what I have learned in this very short period (that feels like a million years), and the only real advice I have, is to expect wild, severe ups and downs for the foreseeable future. Don't make any emotional demands on yourself at all, and the advice other people on these forums have given me has helped, namely: don't put yourself under even the slightest pressure to make any major decisions in the first few months, just sit back and focus on doing nice things for yourself. I know I want to reconcile, and I feel that we are in R, but I am not forcing myself to stick with that feeling - just take care of you and ride that wave.

It's only really last week that I started having hints of feeling anywhere near 'normal' again, and I still wouldn't call this anything like my usual 'normal'. I can get a little work done now. I can concentrate on other things for a couple hours. I don't have to go to the bathroom and cry when we go out together and I hear a song that reminds me of the A, or feel exhausted for days after having to put a smiley face on to see friends.

I can tell you this: every feeling you're having is normal. Expect to have them for a while and for them to change on an hourly basis, and know that all of those emotions are OK. If you decide to R, OK. If you decide not to, OK. If you don't want to make decisions at all right now, that's OK too.

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