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I'm just not keen enough

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Pass posted 11/20/2013 12:54 PM

The social worker at 10's school has been working with him lately. He has ADHD, and has a hard time socializing. She asked The Princess if he has been doing any social activities outside of school - which he hasn't.

At first, The Princess started looking into Cub Scouts. However, it takes place on Wednesday nights - which is when her running club meets (side note: Running club is where she met the woman who invited her to the threesome that I discovered the day before it was to happen, and where she flirts with multiple men on a regular basis). Obviously she does NOT want to quit that.

So then she found out about Navy League Cadets, and asked me what I thought. I told her that it sounds cool, but I was worried if it would be too militant, which 10 would have definite problems with. She said she would do some research.

Just got this text from her:

Re: Navy League Cadets: They don't offer the program for younger kids out here. He'd have to go to the downtown one. The meetings are on Sundays from 1 - 4. I expect that you are not keen on that.

Kee-rist! I'm "not keen on that"? It has nothing to do with KEEN. What she calls "downtown" is actually a one-hour bus ride away. We would have to leave here at noon on a Sunday, then 13 and I would have to find something to do for that three hours, then we would take an hour to get back home. That's a five-hour outing on one of the two days I have with my boys!

And more importantly, a three-hour activity for a kid with ADHD seems like a good idea? I don't care how much fun it is supposed to be, he will have trouble with that. Cubs is 90 minutes per week, and that would be a challenge for him. Three hours would be courting disaster.

But she wants to make this about whether I WANT to take him there or not - which would take a huge bite out of my time with my boys. God forbid she should have one fewer chance to flirt while running each week.

hexed posted 11/20/2013 12:59 PM

could you take him to scouts on Weds?

Pass posted 11/20/2013 13:06 PM

could you take him to scouts on Weds?

Unfortunately, no. Our old family home (where she still lives, and where the boys live on weekdays) is out in the country. Since she wanted to stay there (I gave her the option of moving into the city), she needed the car. I don't have, and can't afford, a car.

That's why evenings through the week aren't an option for me to see the boys or to take them to activities. I wish I could do that. I think all three of them would be happier if I were able to spend more time with my boys.

Thefly559 posted 11/20/2013 13:22 PM

Holy shit ! Pass they are all the same ( not woman , waywards) mine does the same crap. My daughter has horse back riding but god forbid she will give up her Sunday mornings to take her on her week. Instead my daughter suffers. Stbxww is a piece of shit. It's a shame how I was so blind. Still praying for that karma bus.

StillLivin posted 11/20/2013 18:33 PM

Tell her you don't have a problem with her taking him on Saturday if she doesn't.
Remind her you don't have a car.
Or, just ask her how she is going to get him there and can you get comp visitation time since she is choosing to keep him from you during those hours.

Nature_Girl posted 11/20/2013 20:04 PM

Warning: Scouts is VERY, VERY parent-time intensive. It's an entire lifestyle that will consume your life. I tried putting my son in it, but it was unsustainable.

Pass posted 11/20/2013 21:42 PM

Good to know, NG. Thanks!

ButterflyGirl posted 11/20/2013 22:11 PM

I actually love our scouts group around here, once a week, something special about once a month like a camping trip, boat race, car race, etc. And they are teaching good values like manners and cooperation and teamwork..

The ex doesn't participate really, but hey, I know how to be mom and dad.

Now when I put 10 in baseball one season, that sucked. Two practices and a game every week, really took up too much time, and we lived literally across from the fields. And those awful parents cheering when the other team made a mistake. What a bunch of A holes..

Princess can't run another night for a couple months? Can't believe she won't give it up for such a good activity for your boy.. But hey, we know they are selfish and self absorbed. I guess the trick is to stop being surprised by it. Sigh..

Gemini71 posted 11/20/2013 22:47 PM

There seems to be a common thread with WSs that THEIR activities come first, even before their children.

Maybe there's a Cub Scout Pack near you that meets on weekends, or Indian Guides. Since the Princess is in the country, maybe 4H Club?

There are many things your DS can be involved in that don't take 3 hours. I agree that is way too long for a child with ADHD. My oldest two have ADHD, so I understand the balancing act required.

5454real posted 11/20/2013 23:00 PM

Pass, TBH, I'm having a hard time reading you on this one. Please tell me you feel no guilt over this one. I'm reading another attempt at manipulation on her part.

She can't help it. Don't play the game. I didn't think you fell for it, but wasn't sure. Sucks that she's stooping to using the kids.

Stay strong

Pass posted 11/21/2013 09:11 AM

ButterflyGirl, you're right, her selfishness should stop surprising me. She loves regularly telling people how she would "step in front of a bus" for our boys. While that opportunity hasn't arisen yet (do you know how hard it is to get hold of a bus?), she has missed MANY other opportunities to help them to a lesser degree - like running a different night of the week.

Gem, there aren't any weekend groups around here, unfortunately. I'll look into 4H.

5454, you're right, I totally see this as another attempt at manipulation - that's just what she does. I feel a little guilt of course (I'm a dad, so that's just what I do), but I'm seeing this for what it really is.

I do understand that since she has them through the "homework" part of the week, I have a much easier life than she does. I try VERY hard not to just be the Disney Dad that we see so many of the betrayed wives complain about on here, and I think I'm succeeding. The boys and I have very intensive time together on the weekends.

I teach them music; they actually PRACTICE their music (she has never made them do it); we talk about values, religion (or my lack of religion), politics, girls, sex, relationships (all that stuff she no longer discusses with them); we grocery shop, cook dinner together and clean up afterward; we go for long walks; we watch trashy sci-fi movies together (that often have cool political messages).

I'm trying really hard to not JUST be a Disney Dad, but I know there is a little aspect of that as well. However, it could be because I'm actually willing to spend some time with them. At this point in the game, it is happening at the expense of my dating life (seems that most people want to date on weekends!), but I am happily involved in the process of building two men.

The Princess spends two nights a week with her running group - while the boys are home alone - and is CONSTANTLY texting and skyping with the poor bastard who is her latest victim (I don't even want to know what the subject matter of those communications is like!).

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is not difficult for her to make me feel some guilt, but I'm trying really hard to raise my boys in a way that makes me feel a little more sparkly clean than she would have me believe.

ninebark posted 11/21/2013 09:23 AM

Have you considered Martial Arts? I have a friend who's son had ADHA, ADD and OCD and his doctor suggested Martial Arts and it worked well with him.

I put my son in Kindai Bujitsu, it helped with his shyness and gave him great confidence. As well they have become like family to him. Very social.

Anyway, just a suggestion :)

ButterflyGirl posted 11/21/2013 09:35 AM

I'm not sure if it would be the right thing to do, but man I'd be tempted to throw that guilt right back on her for not wanting to do the scouts.

For our scout troop, it's actually 3 den meetings during the month, then a pack meeting usually on the weekend, and all the campounts and races are on weekends, so you could do a lot of the parent stuff with them. She just needs to spend an hour a week with him while he makes friends and earns a few patches and belt loops.

Screw her and her "runs."

Sounds like you guys have tons of fun, but maybe the social worker wants him socializing with kids his age, so maybe just even taking him to a park or something would help to get him playing with other kids? I hope you guys can figure out something.

I'm not very involved in their school, but I'll go to lunch with them once in a while, and it gives me a chance to meet their friends and classmates. It gives you so much more to talk about with them when you know some of the people they are talking about.. Then you can help them if they run into troubles. I remember 10 made fun of one of his friends (and co-scout) for a low score on a test in class, and he felt really bad about it, so we wrote an apology note, and they are great friends again. I was so glad I knew who he was talking about..

Maybe you could go eat lunch with one of them one day to meet who they are socializing with and then can talk about how they socialize more? I don't think my kids are ADHD, but just trying to throw out some suggestions for ya.

Teaching them music is great. I took piano, and we just got my grandparents piano, so we've been busting out the old books with the letters on the notes. They can play "Heart and Soul" like nobody's business, lol.

Dreamboat posted 11/21/2013 11:28 AM

I think your X has made it apparent that she thinks this is your problem to solve. Although it is not fair for you, this is for your DS so put her attitude and selfishness to the back of your mind and try to find a solution for your DS.

Is there a YMCA or community center near your home? They often have classes that meet once a week for an hour so that may be an option. They often have a variety of activities from swimming to martial arts to basketball to rock climbing.

Places like Home Depot and Lowes often have classes for kids where they do things like build a birdhouse.

If there is an art center nearby then they may offer classes for kids on the weekends.

You may want to try several different activities so your DS can discover where his interests lie. I think he would be miserable if forced into a group or activity long term that he did not enjoy.

You also mentioned music in one of your posts. Does the school have a band? Although it is a school related activity I have found that when kids are a part of a team then they bond with their team mates.

HTH and Good luck!

Pass posted 11/21/2013 12:41 PM

You're right, Dreamy. The ball has been dropped in my court. Thanks for the Lowes and Home Depot suggestions! 10 is really into building stuff, but is saddled with a dad who has ZERO handyman skills.

I guess it's time for me to be keen!

Nature_Girl posted 11/21/2013 12:49 PM

Have you read Joint Custody With A Jerk? If not, it may be wise to put it on your reading list. I'm reading it now.

Pass posted 11/21/2013 12:59 PM

Holy shit, NG! Is that a real book, or are you just making that up?

I never use the expression "LOL" because, let's face it, how often do things we read on the Web really make us laugh out loud. That just did!

Nature_Girl posted 11/21/2013 13:02 PM

Totally a real book. You can buy it through SI. There's some kind of link to Amazon.

Pass posted 11/21/2013 13:50 PM

Just checking it out. That book was totally written for most of us on SI!

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