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R seems to have plateaud

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FeelingSoMuch posted 11/20/2013 14:12 PM

We're at about 9 months post-A and WW is slowly doing the right things.

Now what? Is this it? How do I get past the feelings that she 'got away with cheating (for an extended period of time) and just move on?

I'm not even sure where I'm supposed to be moving on to because at this point I no longer know what I want. My hopes for the future didn't include anyone cheating. How did others get past this stage?

devasted30 posted 11/20/2013 14:45 PM

I'm right here with you. If you get an answer to that question, please let me know too. I really don't know what to do. My WS is remorseful and trying so very hard to make things right, but................

lostworld posted 11/20/2013 15:17 PM

From my own experience, I'd say this is definitely "not it." Nine months in is actually very early for most of us. At 9 months, I was still reeling and trying to process all the moving parts. At that point I was still certain that I wanted R, but I really doubted that the pain would ever lessen, or that trust in any form could be restored. I was also just beginning to hit my rage stage. I had been angry since Dday, but the overriding emotions were disbelief, fear, shock, confusion, and soul-searing pain.

Near the 1 year mark, and throughout year 2,the roller coaster really started to move. The pain was somewhat less, but the anger was much more. I also had confusing thoughts of if I really loved him enough to continue R, or if D would help me heal faster or bring me greater peace. I remember also going through a stage of numbness around this same time. And, like you, I had many thoughts of him getting away with it while my kids and I suffered so much. I truly didn't know at some points where I wanted to head, let alone how to get there.

I got through it by continuing in IC and MC for both of us and by refusing to rush to "feel better." I was encouraged by our therapist to simply do my best to stay in the present without giving up working with the past. I understood that indifference wasn't a death knell for us, but was more likely a sign that I was just exhausted and in need of a second wind. I worked on recognizing the positives and the progress we had made. We refused to rugsweep, and questions and emotions were allowed to be honestly expressed. My H continued to work on himself and made significant changes in his thinking and behaviors. He consistently stayed supportive, genuinely apologetic, and transparent. He did make a few missteps, but nothing like broken NC. I worked on managing my thoughts and emotions and their expression, as well as finding interests that made me feel alive and competent again.

All those things were invaluable, but time really was among the most necessary components of rebuilding our M. Year 3 was when we began to feel solid in our R. All the changes were becoming our new patterns, and we found ourselves in a really good place. The hard work and hurtful memories were not over, but the doubts and huge emotional swings were. We were finally happy again.

atsenaotie posted 11/20/2013 15:22 PM

Hi FeelingsoMuch,

and WW is slowly doing the right things

What is she doing that is right? Has she identified why she had the A, what need she was trying to meet, and do you agree with her explanation? Has she attended IC or done other work to find new behaviors and perceptions to replace the faulty ones that led her to participating in an A? Has she read Not Just Friends by Glass, and/or Sexual Detours by Hines and discussed with you how they do or do not apply in her situation? Has she read and taken the Love Languages quiz with you so that you can both communicate love more clearly? Is she open and transparent about her life, access to her phone, email, etc? Has she apologized in front of you to others who were friends of her A, or knew about it? Has she revised any re-writing of the marital history, and do you both agree on the history narrative for your M? What has she done to demonstrate that she desires you as a man, appreciates you as a friend and husband?

I see she did break NC after dday with 2 calls, and that she still works with the OM. What extraordinary measure has she and is she taking so that you can feel secure after she broke NC in the past and has daily opportunities to do so in the present through work?

If she has just quit texting and fucking her OM, and made few other changes no wonder you feel so ambivalent.

I'm not even sure where I'm supposed to be moving on to because at this point I no longer know what I want.

Where would you like to move on to? Independent of what your WW does or does not do, what would YOU like the next year to be like? What would you like your life to be like in two years? What can YOU do to make progress towards YOUR goals?

If your WW does many/most of the things in my first paragraph, and addresses the issue of still working with him, then you will likely not feel that she got away with cheating, and as you heal you will feel better about the tow of you. OTOH, if she does not do many of those things, and you focus on you for the next year or two, you may never again feel OK about your WW and your M, but you will have moved forward on your own path and not have wasted 1 2 years waiting to see what she does.

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