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Newest Member: hstones (61101)

User Topic: I'm caving
♀ 41064
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 2:35 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was so strong, now very weak. Papers were served on him last week. Received a coorespondence from my lawyer from his lawyer...he is willing to put everything on the table for equal distribution. In other words, he is not contesting the divorce. I am broken inside that our relationship is indeed over and done. Only 5 weeks ago, before Dday, he was telling me how much he loved me and looked forward to our retirement together. Our relationship was nice and calm. We were making so many plans.
I want to cave and run into his arms. I still love him and want to be with him. What is wrong with me? Have I no shame?

Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((LMomof2))))) Hang in there. Sending you caring thoughts.

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1876 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 40249
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There is nothing wrong with you. Do not be hard on yourself. Your feelings and reactions are very normal. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: United States
♀ 39192
Member # 39192
Default  Posted: 5:48 PM, November 20th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I'm so sorry. I'm not in a place to offer advice or words of wisdom. The one thing I do know to be true is that you are feeling exactly what you should be feeling. Anyone who has found themselves in a similar situation would feel just like you do right at this moment. You did not ask to be put in a situation where you had to decide to stay or leave your marriage so it's completely understandable that you are feeling ambivalent.

Do you journal? If so, reread what you've written about since DDay to re-evaluate what led to your decision to file. I'm sure you did not make it hastily. I admire your strength and resolve. Be gentle. You've done nothing "wrong."

Truth waits for eyes unclouded by longing.

~~Tao Te Ching

Posts: 152 | Registered: May 2013 | From: United States
♂ 38914
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 4:00 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

9 months past Dday and I still struggle with this. I ask myself whether I made the right decision. I have 2 kids will I ever love and trust again? The feelings of loneliness are overwhelming. I sometimes wonder if I should have stayed for the sake of my kids because after all, he never said he didn"t want me. But then I remember the lack of remorse and him not fighting for us. It's harder for me than if we reconciled, but I've got to respect myself enough to cut ties with a man who doesn't value me, whether I'm lonely or not. Hang in there. Please don't cave.

[This message edited by BrighterFuture at 4:07 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.

Posts: 539 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
♂ 40203
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 5:47 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your world has been literally rocked from its foundation as you knew it. Your feelings are very much normal. It's sad they are so one sided.

I'm assuming your stbxh knows your feelings but is so wrapped up in himself he isn't going to be there for you. You are making the right decision. If something should change along the way, evaluate that to see if it is what you want.

It sounds like no remorse from your stbxh at all. That in of itself gives you your strength to move forward. Nobody wants to be the only one that feels the love in the relationship, but that is what is going on in yours. You are so strong for moving on. I admire your resolve. You are going to be just fine. Lean on your kids for comfort and good luck!

Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
♀ 23890
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

5 weeks out and a 35 year marriage... (((LMomof2))) Let yourself mourn. If you were fine now - I'd be really worried about you!! The only way through this - is well through it....

I'm 5 years out from Dday (31 yr. M) and the emotions that once battered me on oh so many fronts have only subsided in the last 2 years or so. The good news is that there is life out here! You will survive this in time - but do allow yourself to mourn hon. It's okay, and it will be okay!

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4432 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 8:10 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

there is nothing at all wrong with you ! you are experiencing probably the most tramatic time of your life. Most of us get to obsession first , I did and I did the same thing you want to . It is very difficult but , you have to realize the things that you can control. That is only you and your actions I know the pain well and I know you love him but he is gone ! love yourself now. I am sorry , stay strong

"respect? you don't deserve it, you won't get any from me unless you earn it"

Posts: 1028 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
♂ 37898
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


ABSOLUTELY normal. I am one year out from D-day and four months from filing. Sometimes I feel like I should be "over it," but this does not make sense. My marriage was "only" ten years. Yours was a whopping thirty-five. Do not expect that you should feel any other way at this stage but in pain. You are grieving a terrible loss: the world you knew, the very grounding of your life and expectations, the man whom you never questioned would be your partner for life, with whom you'd grow old.

It's a profound shock to lose all these. And the worst is that he is still there--the person whom you always sought comfort in. But he is not good for you. He committed a terrible crime of the heart--betrayal of the worst sort. I am going through the same roller coaster of emotions and irrational desires (try again, forgive, run to him/her, etc). But these are primal emotions and the roots run deep. Trust your head--beware of your heart at this state. You made the right decision, and a new life awaits all of us.

Strength. Do not cave. Move forward through the pain. One day, one hour, one memory at a time.

Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.

Posts: 2066 | Registered: Dec 2012
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:06 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Were you not told when you joined here that it takes 2-5 years to heal from infidelity?

This holds true for you no matter which path you travel. It is normal to feel sad, broken, and lonely. It's ok to let out that pain and have yourself a good cathartic boo hoo as well.

But please stop and remind yourself of the why's this is a good thing.

1. You demanded the respect you deserve, and he was incapable of giving it to you. You will no longer be exposed to being disrespected in such a horrible way.

2. He didn't fake trying to make it, you know that he doesn't care, and even though that hurts it's way better than going through months or years of a false R, where you tolerate being treated with less love, respect, and honor than you should.

3. You are setting a great example for your kids. That when a spouse hurts you, disrespects you, that you do not tolerate it, rather you make him give it to you, or you choose your own path to happiness.

You are smart, strong and capable. You will be fine, and a year from now, you will be amazed at how much you have grown.

You can be sad, and that's ok, but please know that you will heal, and you will be awesome. He is the one that will be sad, lonely and broken when you are living your life in a proud strong independent manner.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13166 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 41064
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tushnurse, Thanks for grabbing me by my shoulders and shaking some sense into me. I just get into these poor pitiful me moods and start sinking lower and lower. But when the anger starts kicking back in, that's when things get accomplished.

Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
Topic Posts: 11

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