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This is my first post but I wanted to thank everyone for posting their stories. It has been helpful to know you’re not the only one going through this. My wife and I started with a separation almost 6 months ago after I got the whole “I love you, but I’m not in love with you speech.” Two weeks ago I discovered she has been having an affair almost the entire time we’ve been separated. She accidently synced her phone with my son’s iPod and I got to sit and watch a text go back and forth between her and the other man. She hasn’t shown any real remorse and only now has brought up things that were wrong in our marriage that she never mentioned before. In fact, I thought we had a great relationship and our separation has shocked all of our friends and family. I feel like she is now shifting the blame and trying to justify her actions. She is dead set on divorce and says there are feeling she has that can’t be fixed. We started dating in high school and have been together over 19 years and have two young kids. I’m really struggling to deal with this and not sure how to carry on.

It is the guilt talking. She blames you because it is easier than facing the responsibility of having an A and not communicating with you.

180 her. You can't talk them back. The more you try to reason with them, the more they build defenses against YOU. I know it is hard but you have to ignore her. Let her see what you checking out feels like. Move on with your life, if she wakes up fine, decide then if you want the M. If she continues on with her current behavior, at least you have made a start to your new normal.

A blameshifing, foggy WS is hard to reach. They don't want to see your side of things. So back away and work on healing for yourself.

[This message edited by momentintime at 11:23 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

..if you've been reading here, then you've heard about 'the fog'.. that unreal view of their fantasy affair that is new and exciting and free from all the mundane chores of married life and kids and laundry and bills..

..it's partly mid-life crisis.. a chance of a re-do of their life.. a chance for escape and they talk themselves into believing that their bad choices are good and right for them.

..and the OP usually is right there supporting these bad choices..

..they seem all too willing to toss aside their whole 'other' life for this new guy..

..do you know anything about the OM? if he is also married, can you out the A to his BW?

..that usually is the cold bucket of water thrown on the A and will often bring their fantasy to an abrupt halt.

..have you talked to a lawyer, her parents, your doctor ??

..take care of yourself and your kids.. refocus yourself. Sometimes, your detachment will shock them back to some degree of reality.

..don't beg her to come back..

..you will get lots of help and support here, so keep reading and posting..

SORRY you are here, but you've found an amazing site for this tragedy and you are far from alone in this struggle.

smy

Thank you both for the advice. She claims that she left before he was in the picture. I don't know who the OM is, I'm almost afraid to find out. All I have is a phone number.

Her family has shutdown to me. They don't want to talk to me anymore. I don't know what she's told them but I'm sure I'm the bad guy which is so far from the truth. I always treated her good and hate drama.

I meet with an attorney on Friday and I'll probably push forward because eventhough I just found out about the A about two weeks ago she has been living with her parents for three months and this has been going on for almost 6.

Now that I look back I feel like a fool. I think this relationship has been going on the whole time.

I never say never but I know I couldn't be with her right now if she begged, which she is no where close to doing. I'm not sure I could ever stop thinking of her with this OM and I'd have no trust. Not sure what type of relationship we would have.

Sad thing is, I hate her right now but still love her at the same time. The sad part is we have a 10 and 6 year old that will pay the price for her actions. However, that doesn't seeem to faze her right now.

I completely understand what you said about hating her and loving her...that is exactly where I am with my WH who I found out had a PA with a woman 5 months ago after communicating with her by phone and online for months before and planning it all out. We have a 10 and 4 year old and I am left picking up pieces when I no longer feel anything close to whole. Good luck to you. I hope this site gives us both what we need to get through this.

The only thing you can door right now is get your own attorney and cut off contact with her except things about the kids if it is neccessary. Otherwise, since she is in the middle of an affair and deep, deep, in the fog, nothing you say will make any difference. I suspect she was either having the PA before the "I love you but not in love with you speech" or at the very least she was emotionally involved with this man and was wanting to step to the next level.

The more weakness you show right now the less the chances are that she will change her mind.
Just make sure you take care of yourself, finances, health, etc., and be strong for your children.

So, so, sorry this is happening but you can get through it. There is so much love and support on this web site that you just need to keep posting and sharing your feelings. You are not alone.

I go to the attorney Friday and I'll take it from there. Not sure what I'm going to tell the kids when this becomes official and a for sale sign goes up in the yard.

We've already started the 50% custody and have done that for a while, however, I'm afraid one of my kids may act up when they realize the house is up for sale and mom and dad will not be getting back together. They seem to be doing well now but who knows.

Kids make this so much harder for so many reasons. You wish you could just get away from the person and never see them after what they've done but you always have to see them and deal with them because of the kids.

I also expect this relationship is pretty serious between WW and the OM so it's possible he could be in my kids lives soon after.

Too much to think of. I have to find a way to worry about one day at a time.

I would want to know who the OM is right away if he is going to be influencing the children.

I'm betting this affair was ongoing when she began the separation, but its not in her interests to reveal that. There is nothing left but to divorce her since she is gone, lost in this crazy infatuation for the last 6months or more. She has no feelings left for you, and any regrets she may eventually display are far into the future.

just get it over with and rebuild your life. Your wife won'y buy happiness with her treachery and blatant disregard for her children's welfare. There will be a reckoning one day.

It really doesn't matter when the affair started. Doesn't change what it is, only helps her justify.

Sounds like my situation. I got more of the I don't love you and I hate your personality. He left and filed for the divorce right away. Then I found out he was living with the ow...claiming to just be friends/roommates. 10yrs of marriage and he won't even speak to me. I am controlling, terrible, was a terrible wife and he hadn't loved me in years,