Last night WH and I had a semi-productive and mostly calm conversation. He's still not telling me everything I need to know -- I insist on knowing his pet name for her, for example. I want there to be no in jokes between them that I don't know about. Basically I want to expose everything to the harsh light of reality.
But one of the things he mentioned is that he feels guilty for how he treated the OW. He did treat her badly. From her POV he strung her along for three years and then dropped her once the going got rough. On her birthday. While she's sick with leukemia.
However, I just don't care about his guilt for how he treated her. She knew what she was getting into and isn't an innocent victim. I need him to feel more guilty about how he treated me.
As he put it, he's had three years to think about his guilt regarding what he did to me. This is more recent, and he feels like he "let everybody down." It's infuriating.
At the same time, he's emphatic that he never loved her. In fact, he said that if he were single he doesn't think he would date her. He insists that he loves me and keeps wanting to make future plans with me. In fact he's hurt when I don't want to plan ahead.
Leaving aside the possibility that my WH is just a sociopath, I just bought "Helping Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and have started highlighting relevant passages. I'm hoping as NC continues he snaps out of this fog.