But one of the things he mentioned is that he feels guilty for how he treated the OW. He did treat her badly. From her POV he strung her along for three years and then dropped her once the going got rough. On her birthday. While she's sick with leukemia.
However, I just don't care about his guilt for how he treated her. She knew what she was getting into and isn't an innocent victim. I need him to feel more guilty about how he treated me.
As he put it, he's had three years to think about his guilt regarding what he did to me. This is more recent, and he feels like he "let everybody down." It's infuriating.
At the same time, he's emphatic that he never loved her. In fact, he said that if he were single he doesn't think he would date her. He insists that he loves me and keeps wanting to make future plans with me. In fact he's hurt when I don't want to plan ahead.
Leaving aside the possibility that my WH is just a sociopath, I just bought "Helping Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and have started highlighting relevant passages. I'm hoping as NC continues he snaps out of this fog.
That being said, if he feels guilty about being the kind of person who can blatantly use/hurt anybody, that's not a bad sign. It's only a problem, IMO, if he wants to break NC to apologize, if he moons over her, if he wants to 'make it up to her'. From what you wrote it doesn't sound like that's the case.
If he doesn't care about her, I think it's ok if part of his remorse is being disgusted with himself for the kind of person he was at the time.
k9
My husband leaves his wallet , phone laying around. So I asked him about that with her. In the beginning he would say " she wouldn't have gone into my wallet and phone. He now says he caught her at times with her fingers in his wallet or accessing his phone. And now realizes he at times was missing $ and she was accessing personal info on his smart phone. And now seeing that some valuables are missing from his office. He was so in a fog he trusted her. I have been married over 19 years , I still tell him if I am going in his wallet for $. So he now feels different towards her and that " thing" they had going. And us now guilty at how he treated me, kids. So NC and time may chance how he feels. Other details may take time. I'm still a newbie also . But after time the need to know some details changes. And may not be important to you. I did start to chuckle today wondering what type of goofy , immature, petting things they said at some selfish moment. This may have made me cry weeks ago. At this time I think how ridiculously embarrassing for a mature grown man.
NC seems to be in place from what I can tell, and I do think he wanted his double life to be over. Her increasingly hysterical emails suggest that he'd been distancing himself from her even before I found out.
What I'd like to happen is that as NC continues he'll focus less on how he let "everybody" down and more on how he let me down. Hopefully he'll turn some of this guilt into remorse and rebuilding. He needs to fix himself as a person.
