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What does it mean???

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cl131716 posted 11/20/2013 17:16 PM

When your WS accuses you of things like having another Facebook page, talking to someone else, or having someone over???

He claims its insecurities that I will have a revenge A but he did it before I found out about his crap. He's done it off and on our whole relationship. When I mention having full transparency and stuff like that he suggests we both have it. He's even logged into my Facebook to see if I was doing anything. It's gotten worse since I found out about his inappropriate conversations with a coworker.

I know it's projection but he accuses me of doing far worse than what I caught him doing! I can't get over the feeling he's still cheating or did more than I know because of his accusations!

Did your WS do this? How do you heal when it triggers you even more?

steadfast1973 posted 11/20/2013 17:17 PM

I have full disclosure, too. I figure i can lead by example... I've Always had my stuff open, though. I feel like I have no need for privacy from him, and vice versa. Our privacy is ours.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:31 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

StillLivin posted 11/20/2013 17:18 PM

It means because he is so dirty, he cannot fathom someone being virtuous.
Tell him to go F... off!
He is trying to shift the guilt to you. Put you on the defensive.
Again, go tell him to F... off!
Let him know you know what he is doing. That should stump him for a few hours!

cl131716 posted 11/20/2013 17:29 PM

Stilllivin- I have told him I know what he is doing and I don't deserve to be on trial. I have nothing to hide and he can look at whatever but its the comments that bother me. When I get upset then he gets upset because he's just "trying to tell me how he feels" and "communicate with me". His accusations aren't justified! It's a slap in the face when he even suggests I do those things when it was HE who was unfaithful.


I get even more angry when he says, "I have thoughts and worries (about me being unfaithful) just like you." It is NOT the same thing!!!

still2suspicious posted 11/20/2013 17:32 PM

He's trying to project his guilt onto you!

He's just trying to deflect. He knows how easy it was for him to do what he did that, in order to feel better about himself, he needs to believe that you are just as bad as he is.

And probably hoping that if he gives you enough shit, and you are so busy trying to make sense of it all, that he can continue down his merry way.

Asshat!!

DON'T BUY INTO IT!!!

Hope2B posted 11/20/2013 17:33 PM

Being an open book should take the wind out of his sails, but he may be perseverating as a defense mechanism and to throw the focus off of him and onto you.

I get even more angry when he says, "I have thoughts and worries (about me being unfaithful) just like you."

Be a broken record: "I understand you have thoughts and worries but only you can control them. My thoughts and worries are based on the facts of your unacceptable behavior."

[This message edited by Hope2B at 5:35 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

Melian40 posted 11/20/2013 17:49 PM

My WH does that too and I'm also really confused.

steadfast1973 posted 11/20/2013 17:56 PM

I think i would throw something large and heavy at FWH if he suggested that he thought i cheated... Or I'd laugh in his face. when would I have time?

GabyBaby posted 11/20/2013 17:59 PM

Everything XWH accused me of doing were actually things he himself had done or were actively doing.
Pure projection. Because HE was a liar and a sneak, everyone else had to be as well.

cl131716 posted 11/20/2013 18:00 PM

I know right? I have a 3 month and 17 month old! I barely have time to pee each day!

cl131716 posted 11/20/2013 18:02 PM

Gabby baby- That's what I begin to assume. He must be guilty of the things he accuses me of. Did your ex ever fess up? How did you find out about all that he did?

StillLivin posted 11/20/2013 18:38 PM

Stilllivin- I have told him I know what he is doing and I don't deserve to be on trial.

You missed the part where you tell him to f... off! Sweetie you left your bitch boots in the closet. Go blow the dust off of them and put those sexy things back on!

Then hard hard 180 and take care of you and your kids. Hell, get a sitter and go out with a sister or girlfriends for a few drinks. I'd give him no real reason, but put a little doubt!


or this...

I think i would throw something large and heavy at FWH if he suggested that he thought i cheated... Or I'd laugh in his face. when would I have time?

or a very timely and appropriately sarcastic, "AYFKM, pffft go F... yourself, I'm not doing this stupid crap with you! " comment can work wonders too!

[This message edited by StillLivin at 6:40 PM, November 20th (Wednesday)]

GabyBaby posted 11/20/2013 21:00 PM

Gabby baby- That's what I begin to assume. He must be guilty of the things he accuses me of. Did your ex ever fess up? How did you find out about all that he did?
XWH only confessed to things that I had solid proof on. Everything else he continued to lie about. Even after a two year separation when I took him back to give it "one more try", he never did the work on himself so he cheated again. I got tired of it and divorced him.

Ostrich80 posted 11/21/2013 03:13 AM

Mine has made comments that insinuated I was being shady. I was sitting outside at 3 am on SI which is on my phone. He made some smartass comment about waking up and his wife was sitting outside on her phone st 3am. It's because I rarely sleep until I am totally exhausted . I started shooting questions at him about his phone activities and it shut him down pretty quick. It's a tactic they sometimes use which if it werent so damn maddening, it would almost be comical, considering the facts...

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