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My memory is killing me.

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Dreamland posted 11/20/2013 20:30 PM

So I went to a conference for four days.. Well I had a great time.. Saw lots of friends and colleagues and tons of new job offers. Anyway I was feeling good and during the days my fWH sent extra text saying he loves me and miss me, etc. So during the conference I get tons of triggers. People I know who cheated now divorced remarried and tons of flirting and a good married guy friend has this young thing chasing him. Omg so many triggers. I know his wife well so I said watch out she's out to get you. He said yes she was last year. So a group if them went out to dinner. I know he had cheated before on his GF and married the girl he cheated with... So I know he is capable. Then I find out another x coworker dumped his family for the OW and I am looking around the room wondering how many people are cheating on there spouses. Most of us were without spouses so easy to do..Suddenly I am thrown into a depression realizing I am in a den of destruction and I get super anxious and so I tell my fWH. He try's to comfort me andrei long me to ignore it. To think of us and how we love each other. And we start all the lovey text and I sudden get that pain. "He did this with HER". Anyway I try to push it we have our last night a casino party and all get a little tipsy and we talk of old times. I go back to my room and finally get a good sleep. The next day I'm going home and I am so excited to go home. I miss my husbsnd who used to come with me often. And so he picks me up and I look at him ... BOOM... All that love is gone. I look at him and realize he isn't my husband. He is just like all those people cheating and destroying their marriages and I am suddenly so tired so exhausted so distraught that I fall asleep immediately to avoid any intimacy. You see I can't stand him touching me. All I think of is him doing the same things to that whore. I had such a bad day today and I kept telling him that he isn't doing the things I asked him to do. I don't know if I am picking fights or if I realize he hasn't been working on things because since I do to say anything he thinks we are doing fine. Today he kept asking "wtf is wrong with you ". Of course I let him have it. I thought we were in R.

Dreamland posted 11/20/2013 20:31 PM

Oh so I forgot to add that when I came home I realized that I missed the man he was not who he is today ..

brkn_heartd posted 11/20/2013 20:36 PM

I find it hard to go on trips alone and return home. For me however, it is my mind that gets busy. When I am home I do not have to think so much because I am going all the time. While gone, my mind goes into overtime. So my feelings have changed while I have been gone.

I can sympathize with your feelings on returning. Tell your H that you are triggering while being gone. Talk about what made you trigger. It is awkward, but it is your reality.

It is very difficult. Hugs to you.

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