I know its not easy and I understand how you feel. Its damn hard trying to save something when your partner does not give a shit. And trust me she does not give one shit about you or your M. She is buying her time right now until something she perceives as better comes along. Your still giving her the benefits and financial security of a M woman. Yet she does not want to act like your W. Wake up man !!!! She has checked out of your relationship. Its time she pays the piper for her actions. Cut her off emotionally and financially. Stop wasting your time and money on MC and use it for IC for yourself. Become empowered and take a hard stance on her behavior. That will either snap her back into reality or she will hit the bricks. You win both ways IMHO. Bottom line is that you cant force her into R. There is nothing you can do aside from protecting yourself at this point. You handed her the gift of R and she threw it back in your face. Stop being afraid of losing your M. Because its already lost. I'm sorry for being a hard ass here. But trust me its for your benefit. I've been in your shoes and done what your doing. It does not work and it never will. She is not your W, she is not even your friend right now. Realize that and do what needs to be done bro. I wish you peace my man. But things change when YOU say they do.
Been told she wants a divorce almost weekly...I want to see my marriage work
As for your anniversary and Christmas, (again, gently) what the heck are you celebrating? She tells you she wants a divorce almost weekly. She knows what she wants to do, but doesn't want to take the next steps is my guess (and I could be wrong).
Christmas, I can see trying to make things as normal or good as possible for children, but really, other than celebrating the birth of Christ (if you so believe), it's just another day.
Are you able to travel with your family for Christmas, so you can be with your children? Would you WANT to be with your wife on Christmas, all things considered?? Even if it's the A town, you are likely to face that she will 'disappear' to visit *friends* and leave you with the kids. If you have a trigger, please don't count on her to be there for you.
Are you doing the 180? It may give you a bit more of stability in your situation. Stronger08 is right on!!!!!
I am so sorry you are going through this.
[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:06 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]
..just woke up and couldn'tget back to sleep, so here i am.. on SI reading..
read your post, and ..sorry, but i have to agree with you about 'what is wrong with me?' I won't call you a fucking idiot however..because you're not, you're just stubborn and live with a faint hope that she will wake up and love you again.
From her behaviour, I just don't see it happening.. she sounds done and completely in her fog still if she continues to lie to you.
..denying you love and affection and dreaming about the OM's 'SIZE' would be the straw that broke the camel's back.
You are going to continue to torture yourself in this one sided farce of a marriage and only continue to hurt yourself.
..detachment and taking a hard line against her emotional abuse is needed now. Fight for your own self-respect.. there is no way in hell you should be celebrating the 'anniversary' with flowers. Instead, go to your local butcher and get a cow's heart, put a knife thru it and box it up for her with pretty wrapping. because that is what she's done to yours!!!
..You do need to get tough on her and get your lawyer involved in protecting your rights and your childrens' future with this heartless woman.
She's having it all her way here.. time to man up and get on with your life.. you can't stay in this loveless and sexless marriage much longer.
I'd be so fucking pissed at her arrogance and selfishness.. you know you don't deserve this bullshit and it's time to put a stop to this insanity.
As you said.. you hate being lied to, but you're still there..being lied to.. so, you really do know what you need to do... just get up the balls and DO IT MAN!!! do it for you and your future happiness.. she's left this marriage and she's just bidding her time till she can lower the boom her way..
..sorry if this sounds blunt but you need to see that the writing is on the wall here..
[This message edited by somanyyears at 3:10 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
Im sorry but it sounds like she is either in contact with OM...or has found another OM.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
"You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memory." - Kuato in Total Recall
There is only one kind of advice you will get from SI and that is to get angry at your abusive treatment and start to fight back. However I fear that your personality is somewhat submissive and you just simply cannot oppose your wife's dominant attitude; as such your marriage is probably doomed.
Put in somewhat dramatic terms your wife has to be compelled to respect you as a man of status and value, who confidently draws fair boundaries on the way he expects to be treated. The idea that you will simply wait for your wife to suddenly start desiring you and respecting you is ridiculous. It has to be earned by tough decisive action not by passive acquiescence.
She is planning a family trip to her hometown (affair town) for Christmas
Which of your wants/needs are being met by her?
I have been told we will not be celebrating our anniversary or Christmas ... and I don't know if I will be in the picture then or not, if not i will not be with my kids for Christmas for the first time ever
She won't have sex with me, been about two months since she touched me, says "I never think about it", even told me two weeks ago that "what if it’s something i don't want to do anymore? would it be a deal breaker for you?" and I catch her using something closer to what she was so proud to say years ago was about his size.
I’m not supposed to cry because it pushes her away. ....I don't know that if I have a trigger she would be there for me.
Without having your family needs, your physical needs and your emotional needs met, I ask what you *do* receive by staying married?
Why do I hang on? Other than I know somewhere in all this shit she is still in there, that little something special that I need and I miss is there, every now and again when she lets her guard down I see it and maybe that is why I hang on... I miss her... I miss us, I'm just not ready to give up.
Save yourself! You deserve love and respect.
[This message edited by ladies_first at 7:23 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]
Gosh, I read your post and see you registered Apr 2011? And she is still talking she needs time and is withholding love,sex,affection,holidays, normal life, communication,and your anniversary? And lies?
Please, please, don't take it anymore. This isn't right and you've been thru enough! It's almost that you've forgotten what normal is and that you deserve a decent normal life with happiness.
I agree with the others. Let her see what her dream life will be like. Now.
She thinks you've stuck with her this far and will keep going. Please, she needs to see you be a strong guy. This is where "tough love" does work one way or another. Whether she wakes up or not, but you've been her walk over long enough.
Give her this. Without you. She is using you as training wheels and safety net.
Give her the gift of missing you and all your marriage has been.
Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11
I agree with stronger08. You've received a lot of sound advice from everyone who has posted.
To me, it sounds like she wants the divorce but doesn't want to be the one to file so she can, yet again, blame you. She wants to look like the innocent one.
If it were me, I would go on that trip with her just to be with the kids. Why shouldn't you spend time with your kids at Christmas? Screw that.
I also agree with ^^^this. I hope for you sake that she's not doing anything, but her actions are screaming something else entirely.
The more I think about what she is saying and doing the more angry I'm getting for you. Ugh..
Sending you strength and (((HUGS)))
Been a while since i was here and things have been pretty rough lately, wife and I have been up and down a lot, pretty nasty fighting.
I was you. I left for a while and ended up coming back and pretty much typed almost word for word what you typed below with some variations.
Been told she wants a divorce almost weekly but I am still holding out hope. We are in MC and today she said she needs time to figure out what exactly it is she wants to do/ doesn't want to be just my wife and just mom (same argument she used during the A) no specific time frame but I am supposed to wait it out, try to be positive, upbeat and not press for any thoughts, talks, progress until we return as a couple in about two weeks.... Im not supposed to cry because it pushes her away. Monday she lied to my face,I told her after the first lie that I was pretty confident that she just lied ( I can always tell now for some reason, I know her "tell") She told another lie then and today I confronted her about it and while it wasn't anything marriage ending and Iknew the answer before I asked but she lied to me twice because she was embarrassed,
brokenfyrman, your M is over. Your WW has checked out and is either either back in the A, in another A, or primed for another A. She is the definition of unremorseful. She is justifying her actions to no end in her head. The only way this ends is if you end it. You need to detach and 180 HARD and I mean very HARD, cut off contact with her immediately. No phone calls, no nothing. Quit MC because it's pointless and get yourself into IC. Go see a L today WITHOUT telling your WW and file for D. Stop talking to her and have her served. You know why she can be so cold to you? It's because she emotionally detached from you LONG ago prior to even starting her A. You are playing emotional catch. Until you detach you will never be on an even playing field and able to make rational decisions. Teh crumbs hse throws you (that you see as glimpses of who she used to be) are to keep you emotionally attached to her and it keeps you in line. She has already basically stated she is never going to have sex with you again. I got that speech too. She wants her space, I got that speech too. Guess what, I gave my unremorseful STBXWW all the space she want when I filed for D. You can do the same.
Brother you deserve so much more than your WW has given you. Don't let fear of losing something that is already gone keep you from moving on with the rest of your life. Your M doesn't define you, your WW doesn't define you, her A doesn't define you, getting a D doesn't define you...YOU DEFINE YOU. She says she wants a divorce but takes no steps to do so because she is a coward and can't be the one to end the M. You are going to have to do that as well. your kids are watching both of you. I have 2 small children. I would rather they come from 2 homes than one hella broken home.
She is giving you crumbs to keep you in line. You aren't even plan B at this point. She is there for finances, a roof, free heat, whatever but it's not because she wants to be there. The crumbs you are getting, those glimpses of who she was are just to keep you from leaving. Likely until she is ready and able to leave herself. I wasted 2 years of my life with STBXWW because I couldn't let go. Start living your life again. Go out and do some things you always wanted to do. Really sit back and think about the last time you did something for yourself. Make a list of things you want to do and get to it. The pain ends when you say it does. I didn't type any of this to be mean and I truly understand where you are because I was there. Life WITHOUT an unremoresful WS is great but you have to get them out of your life first to realize it.
You can't beg, plead, reason, love, or logic, a WS back to a M. They have to want to come back themselves. The only thing you EVER had control of was yourself. Please take heed to the words in everyone's posts. We have all been there and done that and while everyone situation is unique all this shit is painted with the same brush. The unremoresful WS's really do read from the same handbook. Sending you strength and I wish you the best.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:14 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]
Time for you to draw a line in the dirt...like Travis at the Alamo...let her know what behaviors are tolerable to you and your marriage...that those that are not...But there’s a catch - are you willing to back it up??? You cant give her an ultimatum unless you willing to do that. If you’re not able to YOUR what is preventing progress. MY WW didn’t get it until I levied consequences and she realized her fallback position wanst there anymore. Then I got true remorse...
[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 8:43 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]
She won't fight for the M.
She only seems interested in fighting you as if that will solve her issues.
You may not be ready to give but it is past time to let go.
Let go of any expectations that she will be the woman you've known and love.
Let go of any notion that there is something you can do to change this.
She needs to figure this out.
And I hate to say this but she may choose to never figure this out.
Your M shouldn't be a battle but that's what she's turned it into. So how do you win?
By not fighting any longer. Not playing her game.
As much as I admire your tenacity, I think it's time to stop. You've done all you can. She's killing you. She's telling you who she is, and you're ignoring it.
She's pushing you away to try to make you the bad guy who ended the marriage. We all know the truth though. Her actions killed the marriage years ago. You've heroically battled to save the marriage that she killed. It's not going to happen, I'm sorry. This is all on her. Give yourself some peace.
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
Many of us have BTDT.
Every one needs to go at their own pace (raising my hand on THIS one ) BUT at some point we have to face the facts, if we are to have any kind of life going forward.
PLEASE PLEASE heed this advice. Maybe just pick ONE thing that you can do today. Maybe it's calling a L, maybe it's leaving the room BEFORE the tears come, maybe it's....you get the idea.
I am so sorry for you to have to endure her absolutely fuck'd up behavior.
YOU deserve so much better, BFM.
As far as Christmas – why are you letting her dictate? And the response here seems to be to go on the trip with her. I say no – just tell her if she goes she goes alone. She has no more claim on your kids than you do. Why is she deciding where they spend Christmas and who is involved? If she wants to travel on Christmas, let her, but your kids should be at home with their parents, not on some trip somewhere because Mom is too much of a bitch to not ruin Christmas.
Just file. As long as you continue to hope, she’ll continue to be a bitch. This is her hobby now. Get rid of her – she’s useless. She doesn’t want to be a wife and mom? Ok, throw her out. She can be anything she wants, but she shouldn’t be allowed to drag your family down with her.
IMO, throughout this whole ordeal, you've been your own worst enemy. You are setting yourself to be screwed by your W without benefit of intercourse.
Start protecting yourself. Now.