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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: When I'm at my weakest
38andAlone
♂ 41408
Member # 41408
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seeems like I'm at my weakest in the mornings and middle of the night when I can't sleep. It really hits me then that the life I had and love is gone.

This is the time of day that I've sent most of my emails and text to my WW. She's so deep in the fog she doesn't care. I always hate myself later in the day for sending her anything. I have to remind myself that there is no reasoning with her right now.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: IL
Thefly559
♂ 40268
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Brother I am sorry. I have been there ! I know the feelings well. If I can please give some advice so maybe you can avoid some things you will regret. One is to not look weak to her. I did the same as you. I cried for days and nights I begged on the floor. I was at an all time low in my life , destroyed by her infidelity and lies. It was a mistake I regret still 7 months after DDay. I know how hard it is. But try , you cannot control her now or beg her back or reason with her. She is a wayward. Go out and get a book or lots of books on how to cope. Check out the healing library. Go to the gym, start a kickboxing class, do yoga, play a sport. Whatever releases the pain. Journal. That helped me , I wrote every word in a book instead of telling her. My stbxww would show the text to her friends and they would actually have a laugh. As far as the nightmares and bad days. Yes it will get easier. I still have them but not as many and not as intense. It does get easier. I will read your story now and I hope you know that you are not to blame you are a better , stronger person and you will get past this. It's tough in the beginning to take advice I know , you have to go through the stages. But know that you are not alone. All the best brother, stay strong. Take a look into that mirror before you text her again and remind yourself who you are. No contact at all will help you heal! Trust me.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 709 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:18 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fly's giving you great advice, 38 - we understand brother...
Sending strength.

Posts: 6767 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Brandon808
♂ 35619
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

38andAlone,
I hear you brother. Those quiet times of the day are the hardest when your mind goes there. Try to find something fun to do as a distraction.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 4103 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
sailorgirl
♀ 38162
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You could post your emails and texts here instead of sending them.

We will read them and understand far better than she will.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
38andAlone
♂ 41408
Member # 41408
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the advice. This site has been such a great help already.

You are right, I need to come out here and post those thoughts to get them out of my head rather than send them to the WW that doesnít care.

The problem I have is that I grew up in a house with a lot of drama and when disagreements arose in our relationship Iíd be the one to make sure I said I was sorry and weíd always make-up and move on and never let anything drag on too long. Thatís why I think I still fall into the fixer mode. I think I can say that one thing or do that one thing that will make her see my point. It always worked before and itís been hard to get out of that routine and realize this is different this time around.

In my mind I know I will never have what I had before with her but I just havenít convinced my heart of that yet.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: IL
LMomof2
♀ 41064
Member # 41064
Default  Posted: 9:46 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the mind and the heart are constantly fighting one another.


LMomof2
Me - BW - 59
Him - WH - 59
35 yrs - 2 daughters 17, 21
DDay - 10-15-13
ONS - 9-20-13 and probably YEARS of gaslighting - signs were there.

Posts: 81 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
84CF
♂ 40112
Member # 40112
Default  Posted: 9:53 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I could very easily have written the exact same words that you have written in your posts here, 38. Which is to say that I hear you and understand what you're going through, because I'm going through it right now, too. That horrible feeling of being completely alone in the middle of the night, that wrenching gut punch when you first wake up and realize that you're waking into the new life that you would not otherwise have chosen for yourself.

For me, and I imagine for you, too, it's impossible to comprehend the switch that allows her not to care, because we don't have one. It makes the unconscious part of us believe, uncontrollably, that we must somehow have done something to deserve such horrible treatment, because we can't imagine ourselves treating anyone like that, let alone someone we love, unless there were a good reason.

Hang in there. Keep posting here.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Jul 2013
38andAlone
♂ 41408
Member # 41408
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

84CF,

We are on the same page. I get everything you're saying and understand.

I hate that feeling when you let your mind drift to a vision of your WW hooking up with the OM. You feel that sickness in your gut and you tingle a little. For a minute its almost more than you can stand.

I think that is when the disbelief is the highest. When you cannot believe that this women you still love would do this painful thing to you.

I just think, I didn't stop loving her, she stopped loving me. I think that is why we hurt so bad.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: IL
SeanFLA
♂ 32380
Member # 32380
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember those days like they were yesterday. I don't think I slept a full night in 14 months. I was exhausted non-stop and the torture seemed unbelievable. I woke everyday thinking and hoping all this was a nightmare...but it wasn't. 4am and waking were the worst part of it.

Look it takes time to get through it. Reality is that it won't be easy. I won't lie to you. But you will find it deep in yourself to move forward with life. Just be kind to yourself. It's ok to hurt right now. Eventually the pain will begin to ease.


BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley


Posts: 1472 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
Horsegirl
♀ 41217
Member # 41217
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nights and weekends kill me. I am two months in with a wh who left abruptly on my bday. He acts like he hates me and has been so cruel.

I too spent a lot of time sending texts and emails trying to fix what I saw as the reasons but it pushes him further away and makes him meaner so I am learning my lesson and trying to post other places instead.

I am very alone and sad.


Me- 32
Him-32
Left me on 9/30/13 and moved right out
Divorce filed by him upon leaving
Living with OW

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2013
TheThreeYearFool
♀ 41218
Member # 41218
Default  Posted: 10:40 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The middle of the night isn't great, but mornings are definitely the worst for me. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because there aren't as many distractions at that point, or just that I'm alone with my thoughts.

More days than not I break down crying in the shower.

It also sucks that WH is not a morning person. I mean, neither am I but I get all these questions and thoughts in my head that I just want to unload on him and he just cannot handle it at that point.


Me - BW 36
Him - WH 41
Together 12 years, married 7
3 year LTA with former coworker
DDay 10/29/13
He says he wants to R... can I live with what he's done?

Posts: 165 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: United States
staystrong101
♀ 41068
Member # 41068
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, 38 I understand what you're saying. Most days I wake up about 4am, and it hits me all over again. Did I have a nightmare - no, this is all true and my WH did do these things. Do not text or call her! Be strong - post on here or find other ways to take care of yourself. I have found great tips on this site as well, like the others who have replied to your post. For me, exercise helps. I wake up with my stomach in knots, and running helps to loosen the knot, if that makes sense. Plus, i'm getting stronger and fitter than ever, so F*** him. (I also have some anger to deal with, if you can't tell!) "Living Well is the Best Revenge." Also, find some new activities to do. People will see you out with new friends, etc and word will get back to her eventually that you seem to be doing okay. She didn't appreciate you. She took you for granted, so show her that she messed up and you can move on. I know it is not easy. I'm sending peace and best wishes to you!

Posts: 113 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Shocked2believe
♀ 41010
Member # 41010
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi 38. Sorry you have had to meet us on this site but great that you've found SI. There are incredible people on here who have all experienced the pain you're going through.

All of the above posts are great and it's so true, you will see, as much as you just want to reach out to the WS and try reason, romance, beg, shout and rant them back, none of this will help unless they want to. Now, the only POWER you have is the power to help yourself. Look into the Healing Library as soon as you can. Buy as many self help books that you can start LOVING YOU! Go do something that makes you feel good. A sport, massage, meet up with a good friend for a chat, take a run, anything really to make you feel 'human' just fir a bit.

It's a life journey you may not have chosen but have to take unfortunately. Remember, this is almost like a death (of a secure, trust filled relationship) so you should expect to go through all the stages of grief : Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. There is no specific order and can interchange at any time.

Please keep posting whenever you have the desire to contact her. Many people 'listening' and understanding. ((((Hugs)))


Me: BS Married 10 years, together 20
Him:WH - EA with engaged COW.

'If you come into my life, the door is open; If you leave my life, the door is open; Just one request, don't stand in the doorway, you're blocking the traffic'


Posts: 123 | Registered: Oct 2013
coldshot
♂ 40882
Member # 40882
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

38,
This is a cold comfort but it is far better for you to be alone in your bed than to be next to an unremorseful, cruel and selfish person. I spent time trying to figure out why, why in the world would a woman I loved do something so devastating and hurtful to me... the answer to that lies somewhere in her head. Her head is a place in which you should no longer spend any time!!! Detach yourself (easier said than done, I know)... the adultery is about HER, your recovery and your new life is about YOU. When your anger kicks in, and most likely it will, use it constructively.
She is deaf and blind to you, so reciprocate. Vent, cry, and grieve here where people care. Strength.


"The liar's punishment is, not in the least that she is not believed, but that she cannot believe anyone else." -- George B. Shaw

Posts: 47 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: coldshot
Topic Posts: 15

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