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When I'm at my weakest

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38andAlone posted 11/21/2013 05:23 AM

Seeems like I'm at my weakest in the mornings and middle of the night when I can't sleep. It really hits me then that the life I had and love is gone.

This is the time of day that I've sent most of my emails and text to my WW. She's so deep in the fog she doesn't care. I always hate myself later in the day for sending her anything. I have to remind myself that there is no reasoning with her right now.

Thefly559 posted 11/21/2013 06:03 AM

Brother I am sorry. I have been there ! I know the feelings well. If I can please give some advice so maybe you can avoid some things you will regret. One is to not look weak to her. I did the same as you. I cried for days and nights I begged on the floor. I was at an all time low in my life , destroyed by her infidelity and lies. It was a mistake I regret still 7 months after DDay. I know how hard it is. But try , you cannot control her now or beg her back or reason with her. She is a wayward. Go out and get a book or lots of books on how to cope. Check out the healing library. Go to the gym, start a kickboxing class, do yoga, play a sport. Whatever releases the pain. Journal. That helped me , I wrote every word in a book instead of telling her. My stbxww would show the text to her friends and they would actually have a laugh. As far as the nightmares and bad days. Yes it will get easier. I still have them but not as many and not as intense. It does get easier. I will read your story now and I hope you know that you are not to blame you are a better , stronger person and you will get past this. It's tough in the beginning to take advice I know , you have to go through the stages. But know that you are not alone. All the best brother, stay strong. Take a look into that mirror before you text her again and remind yourself who you are. No contact at all will help you heal! Trust me.

jjct posted 11/21/2013 07:18 AM

fly's giving you great advice, 38 - we understand brother...
Sending strength.

Brandon808 posted 11/21/2013 08:46 AM

38andAlone,
I hear you brother. Those quiet times of the day are the hardest when your mind goes there. Try to find something fun to do as a distraction.

sailorgirl posted 11/21/2013 09:04 AM

You could post your emails and texts here instead of sending them.

We will read them and understand far better than she will.

38andAlone posted 11/21/2013 09:42 AM

Thanks for all the advice. This site has been such a great help already.

You are right, I need to come out here and post those thoughts to get them out of my head rather than send them to the WW that doesnít care.

The problem I have is that I grew up in a house with a lot of drama and when disagreements arose in our relationship Iíd be the one to make sure I said I was sorry and weíd always make-up and move on and never let anything drag on too long. Thatís why I think I still fall into the fixer mode. I think I can say that one thing or do that one thing that will make her see my point. It always worked before and itís been hard to get out of that routine and realize this is different this time around.

In my mind I know I will never have what I had before with her but I just havenít convinced my heart of that yet.

LMomof2 posted 11/21/2013 09:46 AM

Yes, the mind and the heart are constantly fighting one another.

84CF posted 11/21/2013 09:53 AM

I could very easily have written the exact same words that you have written in your posts here, 38. Which is to say that I hear you and understand what you're going through, because I'm going through it right now, too. That horrible feeling of being completely alone in the middle of the night, that wrenching gut punch when you first wake up and realize that you're waking into the new life that you would not otherwise have chosen for yourself.

For me, and I imagine for you, too, it's impossible to comprehend the switch that allows her not to care, because we don't have one. It makes the unconscious part of us believe, uncontrollably, that we must somehow have done something to deserve such horrible treatment, because we can't imagine ourselves treating anyone like that, let alone someone we love, unless there were a good reason.

Hang in there. Keep posting here.

38andAlone posted 11/21/2013 14:56 PM

84CF,

We are on the same page. I get everything you're saying and understand.

I hate that feeling when you let your mind drift to a vision of your WW hooking up with the OM. You feel that sickness in your gut and you tingle a little. For a minute its almost more than you can stand.

I think that is when the disbelief is the highest. When you cannot believe that this women you still love would do this painful thing to you.

I just think, I didn't stop loving her, she stopped loving me. I think that is why we hurt so bad.

SeanFLA posted 11/21/2013 22:04 PM

I remember those days like they were yesterday. I don't think I slept a full night in 14 months. I was exhausted non-stop and the torture seemed unbelievable. I woke everyday thinking and hoping all this was a nightmare...but it wasn't. 4am and waking were the worst part of it.

Look it takes time to get through it. Reality is that it won't be easy. I won't lie to you. But you will find it deep in yourself to move forward with life. Just be kind to yourself. It's ok to hurt right now. Eventually the pain will begin to ease.

Horsegirl posted 11/22/2013 10:28 AM

Nights and weekends kill me. I am two months in with a wh who left abruptly on my bday. He acts like he hates me and has been so cruel.

I too spent a lot of time sending texts and emails trying to fix what I saw as the reasons but it pushes him further away and makes him meaner so I am learning my lesson and trying to post other places instead.

I am very alone and sad.

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/22/2013 10:40 AM

The middle of the night isn't great, but mornings are definitely the worst for me. I don't know why. Perhaps it's because there aren't as many distractions at that point, or just that I'm alone with my thoughts.

More days than not I break down crying in the shower.

It also sucks that WH is not a morning person. I mean, neither am I but I get all these questions and thoughts in my head that I just want to unload on him and he just cannot handle it at that point.

staystrong101 posted 11/22/2013 11:24 AM

Yes, 38 I understand what you're saying. Most days I wake up about 4am, and it hits me all over again. Did I have a nightmare - no, this is all true and my WH did do these things. Do not text or call her! Be strong - post on here or find other ways to take care of yourself. I have found great tips on this site as well, like the others who have replied to your post. For me, exercise helps. I wake up with my stomach in knots, and running helps to loosen the knot, if that makes sense. Plus, i'm getting stronger and fitter than ever, so F*** him. (I also have some anger to deal with, if you can't tell!) "Living Well is the Best Revenge." Also, find some new activities to do. People will see you out with new friends, etc and word will get back to her eventually that you seem to be doing okay. She didn't appreciate you. She took you for granted, so show her that she messed up and you can move on. I know it is not easy. I'm sending peace and best wishes to you!

Shocked2believe posted 11/22/2013 11:54 AM

Hi 38. Sorry you have had to meet us on this site but great that you've found SI. There are incredible people on here who have all experienced the pain you're going through.

All of the above posts are great and it's so true, you will see, as much as you just want to reach out to the WS and try reason, romance, beg, shout and rant them back, none of this will help unless they want to. Now, the only POWER you have is the power to help yourself. Look into the Healing Library as soon as you can. Buy as many self help books that you can start LOVING YOU! Go do something that makes you feel good. A sport, massage, meet up with a good friend for a chat, take a run, anything really to make you feel 'human' just fir a bit.

It's a life journey you may not have chosen but have to take unfortunately. Remember, this is almost like a death (of a secure, trust filled relationship) so you should expect to go through all the stages of grief : Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. There is no specific order and can interchange at any time.

Please keep posting whenever you have the desire to contact her. Many people 'listening' and understanding. ((((Hugs)))

coldshot posted 11/22/2013 13:47 PM

38,
This is a cold comfort but it is far better for you to be alone in your bed than to be next to an unremorseful, cruel and selfish person. I spent time trying to figure out why, why in the world would a woman I loved do something so devastating and hurtful to me... the answer to that lies somewhere in her head. Her head is a place in which you should no longer spend any time!!! Detach yourself (easier said than done, I know)... the adultery is about HER, your recovery and your new life is about YOU. When your anger kicks in, and most likely it will, use it constructively.
She is deaf and blind to you, so reciprocate. Vent, cry, and grieve here where people care. Strength.

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