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Newest Member: harleyhugs (45741)

User Topic: T/J on feeling rushed
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After an A many BS's knee jerk reaction is "I want to R".

I had that, I threw around forgiveness and R like they were things I could order off of Amazon.

It isn't that easy.

I quickly found out I was going to have to do some work and figure some things out BEFORE I could decide on R or D.

I had to have a sit down and get some tough answers. FROM ME.I had to be honest with myself, pull down the white picket fence and find MY truth.

I needed to define what I wanted in a marriage going forward. What kind of life I wanted to lead.

I needed to address my issues from my childhood and get to a healthy me (this is ongoing... )

I had to be comfortable knowing I could financially carry the load I would have if I chose to S/D.

There are other things that came up, it's an individual, personal process. You need to find your questions and answers. IF you do offer R your spouse has to answer his/her own questions.

We were nowhere near healed when we decided to give R a chance. It took us 5 months to get there.

When we got to deciding we entered R as a team. It isn't a me process or a them process. It is an us process. You both have individual healing to do, but the R, IMO is a team effort.

I think 5 months was fairly quick looking back, even with all we went through to get to it. I see some still deciding 1-2-3 years out. It's not a contest or a race, it's your life.

Take the time you need to make healthy, thoughtful decisions about it. Don't rush it or knee jerk it. Sit with it. Feel how it is to live alone, be prepared to do it. Be sure when and if you offer R it is received as a gift. It isn't a ball and chain. It is a second chance.

If you have a WS that doesn't understand or actively participate in R you may want to reconsider. As much as it is your gift to offer, if the WS doesn't accept the gift and take on the challenge it can leave a BS living in limbo for a long time.

So entering R takes time, and only you can decide when to offer it. Don't let someone rush you or push you into jumping before you are ready.

Be good to you...


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not disagreeing with anything you said here as I agree everyone should do what is right for him/herself.

However for me:

I think 5 months was fairly quick looking back, even with all we went through to get to it. I see some still deciding 1-2-3 years out. It's not a contest or a race, it's your life.

As the BS I am not one to "want" R. However, because my H wanted it, I decided to give him a chance. I planned to give him a month or so to "see what he would do" because I was mostly curious, and expected him to fail. However, he surpassed my expectations by far and here we are together, closer than ever 7 years later.

As for me, I want to be married, or not married. There really is not much in between, so spending 1, 2, or 3 years deciding if I wanted to forgive and remain married to someone is NOT for me. You say it is not a contest; it is your life. I agree. And life is too short to spend 1, 2, or 3 years in limbo, unhappy, waiting around to make a decision, afraid to make any decisions because they might be the "wrong" decision. Yes, I'd rather risk making the wrong decision than live my life in limbo.

If you have a WS that doesn't understand or actively participate in R you may want to reconsider. As much as it is your gift to offer, if the WS doesn't accept the gift and take on the challenge it can leave a BS living in limbo for a long time.
For me, this one is easy. I would most certainly have quickly decided to D my H. It was not a matter of him "accepting" the gift but for me, it was a matter of him being the one to make just about all the effort to save the M. I was the one who had to "accept" his efforts to prove himself. I don't really see myself offering him a gift but I guess it could be viewed that way since I did accept his efforts and we are R'd.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 7:25 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


Posts: 5775 | Registered: Apr 2006
PinkJeepLady
♀ 37575
Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Karma! I so appreciate "R is a gift, not a ball and chain". I hope to use that as a discussion opener today actually.
Yeah, wouldn't it be nice to just order up R and forgiveness on Amazon, lol! I agree that this a process that just can't be rushed. It took all I had in the beginning to even consider trying R, but I am glad I did. Even if it doesn't work out in the end and this journey has been a nightmare, I am glad I gave it some time. Being patient with the process has been one of the greatest challenges of my life.
Your post is reminding me to focus on what "I" want/need from our marriage. Often the focus is on WH and what he is/isn't doing right/wrong. What about ME?
There is so much shock and craziness in the beginning, I feel more settled now to make decisions. I look back and can't believe that we bought a house, the very weekend of dday. How did I do that?! It's been an ok decision, but looking back I wouldn't recommend not rushing to make big decisions if you can help it for awhile.
It's very good advice to slow down the process and take all the time you need to feel comfortable with your decisions.
Thank you for your thoughts, I think they were meant just for me this morning! Take care


Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
R-ing
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 499 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Bobbi_Sue


You had a WS that got it and was ready after a month, I think thats great.

Many WS's and BS's need time and ignore it.

I think it's important to look inside and do what you want to do as opposed to what someone is telling you you should be doing, or feeling.

Congrats on a long term R

That's awesome !!

[This message edited by karmahappens at 7:41 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thank you

I had to have a sit down and get some tough answers. FROM ME.I had to be honest with myself, pull down the white picket fence and find MY truth.

I needed to define what I wanted in a marriage going forward. What kind of life I wanted to lead.

Maybe I can do more of this now - now that my head is not so jumbled with intrusive thoughts.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2600 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
bobf
♂ 41412
Member # 41412
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, I went into R with my spouse pretty much the moment she finally confessed to everything, promised to never do it again and stay NC forever. She had become an online sex addict and I confirmed she deleted all of her accounts (eventually, we really were not into true R until everything was gone and confessed to which didn't happen instantly) then I reactivated them and read everything she hadn't perma deleted to make sure she was telling me the true about what she had done.

I don't think you need to wait months, but considering I am only a few weeks into R, I admit I might lack the proper perspective.


Me: BH early 50s
Her: fWW late 40s (kmom2662)
7 Wk OEA, Skype, Cyber
DDay 10-4-13
Married 20+ years
Currently in R

Posts: 143 | Registered: Nov 2013
Bobbi_sue
♀ 10347
Member # 10347
Default  Posted: 7:59 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Bobbi_Sue

You had a WS that got it and was ready after a month, I think thats great.

He got it the next day after D-day. A month later would have been FAR too late. I filed for a D from my XH two days after the final D-day and I have no regrets about that.
Based on:

After an A many BS's knee jerk reaction is "I want to R".
I realize this does not apply to me so not sure I should have responded here at all. Sorry for that!
I realize you are talking more about not rushing into R than rushing into D, and as I said before, I don't disagree with anything you said. We each have to figure out what is right for us.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 8:03 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


Posts: 5775 | Registered: Apr 2006
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize this does not apply to me so not sure I should have responded here at all. Sorry for that!

No way, we need all voices.

My main goal is to get people to think more about themselves. What they need and what they need to do to get there.

It hurts me to watch people jumping into R with a spouse that doesn't get it.Or doing it because they are afraid. You can't hold on to something for dear life and make it work. It needs to be a thoughtful decision, IMO.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey bobf

I can only speak from my experiences...but this

I went into R with my spouse pretty much the moment she finally confessed to everything, promised to never do it again and stay NC forever

Sounds good. But when an A is outted I believe the initial WS reaction can be I will fix it, I promise, I felt so guilty...yada yada yada. Yeah they felt guilty, but it didn't stop them.

To me, time offers everyone a chance to begin a righted path.

Intentions without action and healing mean nothing.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Thoughtful decision."
Wow, I sure wish I had found this site before I "R" with my WS. I thought if we could just get back together, we'd be able to work it all out. Ha Ha Ha
I was so blind. It took me months to find out the whole truth and I'm not even sure I know it all yet. My last disclosure was sometime in August. If I had known then what I know now I think I would have treaded a little more carefully. It has been a struggle (understatement here) and I still don't know if this will work. My fault - I can't seem to get past the whole thing. It's so much bigger and so much worse than I knew. Over the last few days, I'm not even sure I still love my WS but I understand from reading everyones posts here that that's pretty normal. I hope so. Somedays I just wish I'd grow some legs and walk - get the hell out of Dodge - other days, I'm so glad I stayed. My WS is working so hard to make things right - but, sometimes I know he feels like he is losing the battle and wants to give up, but that only lasts for a couple of minutes then he comes back stronger. In so many ways, he is amazing. But, I keep wondering what is real and what isn't. He had me so completely snowed. I am having a hard time because I keep thinking this is my old husband but he , obviously, wasn't who I thought he was. So many things to handle - to understand. Yep, I sure wish I'd found this site before. Maybe I'd have taken some time to think instead of rushing back into it. Of course, TT'd didn't help either. But, maybe if I'd been aware of everything, I'd have made the same decision. The only thing I did do was put a time line on it. He knows that he has until January 1st and then we re-evaluate and see if I (we) want to continue trying. "R" isn't for sissy's.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1381 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with kh - the A was such a blow to my life that I could not have made a good decision WRT the outcome I chose for me anywhere close to D-Day. Fortunately, I could access enough rationality to decide to not decide until I was ready.

I knew I wanted to stay together, but only with a W I trusted, and I sure couldn't trust her on D-Day. Personally, I watched her for 90 days before committing to R, and I think longer would have been better.

I didn't commit until I was pretty sure I could make it on my own emotionally. I refused to say 'yes' unless I knew I could say 'no' and have a decent life, not materially but emotionally.

I also had my requirements for R identified, and my W agreed to them.

I still wanted to rush, though.

[This message edited by sisoon at 9:31 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10571 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Marathonwaseasy
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 9:54 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just assumed I'd give everything but told him straight away what the terms were to stay with me (NC and honesty and transparency) He entirely expected me to throw him out and actually wanted that but was shocked and we limped on in limbo for a week then he crashed and completely got it and everything that had led to it in terms of his illness and our M and the bloody A. He hit rock bottom and he finally saw that I'd been waiting for him to get better for years. Since then it's been R. He's so remorseful and looking after me. I believe we will make it but the time frame for my healing is mine alone.


Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."


Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
iwillNOT
♀ 40605
Member # 40605
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, karma happens, thank you! This was just what I needed to hear.

I have been haunting the doorway of R and would like to go in, but deep in my heart I am just not there. Yet. And I read so many posts about BS's a week or a month out from Dday who are identifying as in R, and I start to question myself, will I always be stuck here? But I made a commitment to myself since Dday, that I will put me first, and I will listen very carefully to what is truly happening in my heart and honor it. I try very hard to differentiate between " what is" and " what i want things to be like." So I creep along at my own pace and try to feel my feelings and go to IC and read and think and " sit with it" as you say.

Thanks for sharing your experience.


Me: BS, 43
Him: WH, 44
Together 21 years
Married 14 years
Kiddos 2,6,8,10
Dday#1 2004, 3 years after EA/PA co-worker MOW
Dday#2 8-6-13, 13 months EA/9months PA with co-worker MOW - caught not confessed
Rugsweep now, pay later. Ask me how I know.

Posts: 514 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Midwest
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwillNOT

IMO you cannot jump into R immediately. Your spouse has just thrown the marriage vows out the window, are still emotionally tied to the AP but swear it's gonna be ok and they will fix it? Nope, sorry.

Dday promises are made out of fear(for most, I believe there are some rare occasions).

The guilt they claim to have? Well yeah, but it didn't stop you. Heck many times they are just starting with the "we only kissed" lines.

I didn't care about tears shed, the look in his eyes or promises made.

I started to heal me and I watched his actions....

I have said many times when you fix yourself the path becomes clear, and it really does. The nagging what ifs go away, the fear, you know you are on the right path because it came from a healthier place. It might be a bumpy path, but you will know when it's right.

Good luck!! (((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3858 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Topic Posts: 14

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