SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In my situation, it is the gal I dated for a year post divorce. She really helped me a lot and then we suddenly broke up. Been staying in touch, and that has made it more painful.

Got some good counseling from Frauken last night and just found this article which is pretty good. Not sure about item 11 which was another suggestion. That is just not me.

1- Take her off that pedestal

First things first: Stop acting like your ex was God’s gift to men. She wasn’t perfect. If we’re being honest, she probably wasn’t even close. Make a list of her annoying traits. Let your buddies bad-mouth her. Do whatever you have to do — just take her off that pedestal.

2- Get closure

Step two for getting over your ex: get closure. If you’re going to break up with her, don’t put it off. Make sure you’re both on the same page. This is a breakup, not a “break.” The two of you are moving on, which means potentially seeing other people. If you feel the need to do a relationship postmortem, do it now. You won’t be seeing her again for a while.

3- Don't contact her

This may be the most important of our 11 tips for getting over your ex. After you’ve gotten closure, don’t contact her. Go cold turkey. Seriously. Maybe you said some crap about trying to stay friends, maybe you made some idiot vow to “always be there for each other,” but forget it. By staying in touch with old flames, you’re asking for months (if not years) of on-again-off-again uncertainty. So, throw out her phone number, stop texting her and unfriend her on Facebook. Imagine how freaked out you'll be the first time you see some strange dude in her profile picture, and you'll see why a clean break is essential.

4- Work out

Without a girlfriend gobbling up hours out of every day, you may be wondering what to do with yourself. Now that you’re single, we suggest hitting the gym or taking a jog. It’s a healthy way to work out all of that post-breakup frustration. Getting in shape is also a good way to boost your self-esteem. And don’t forget: The gym is a great place to meet women (plenty of reasons why working out makes our list of 11 tips for getting over your ex).

5- Avoid her friends and the places she hangs

If you want to avoid the temptations that come with bumping into an ex, you might have to make some sacrifices. You might have to cut ties with some of your mutual friends. You might have to avoid some of your favorite haunts (because they’re her favorite haunts, too). Trust us, it’s a small price to pay for peace of mind.

6- Throw away anything that reminds you of her

That dopey-looking teddy bear she gave you for your birthday, the sappy love letters she wrote, the adorable pictures of the two of you — chuck ’em. Throw it all away. The sooner you get all that junk out of your house the sooner you’ll get over her.

And before you ask, yes, it’s fine to keep items that don't evoke any emotional connections. If she bought you a copy of Call of Duty 2, keep it. But clothes, jewelry, keepsakes, and the like should be ditched.

7- Don't try to get your stuff back

By the same token, you don’t want to try to get your stuff back. You can’t have a relationship relapse if you don’t allow yourself to see your ex. Forget about all that stuff you left at her place. Consider it gone. The $50 you’re going to have to spend to replace a few DVDs is a small price to pay to avoid an ex-girlfriendwho could be either desperately needy or irrationally angry.

8- Hang out with your friends

One of the things you had to sacrifice when in a committed relationship was time with your friends. Girlfriends are notorious time-bandits, always greedy for more and more of your attention. But now that you’re single, you can reconnect with the buds you left behind. Not only will it be fun, but it will also be therapeutic because hanging out with your friends is one of the most rewarding of our 11 tips for getting over your ex.

9- Remember the bad times

It’s pretty common for guys to idealize their significant others after a breakup. You’ll just be going about your business, and then, suddenly, you’ll remember an inside joke or a great date. Then you’ll grin, thinking about a cute personality quirk she had, and before long, you’re fantasizing about how great your sex life used to be.

Snap out of it. One of the most important of our 11 tips for getting over your ex is to remember the bad times. Focus on the fights and the problems. Recollect her bad habits and shady behavior. It’s like taking a cold shower.

10- Exercise your newfound freedom

Relationships are about compromise. Being single should be about doing whatever the hell you want. Look, you’ve ditched the ball and chain. You’re free. So stay out until four in the morning, hop on a plane to Vegas with your brother, or just sit on your ass and watch basketball all day. Taking pleasure in all of those things that you couldn’t do as a boyfriend is a great way to get over your ex.

11- Sleep with another girl

The most foolproof method for getting over your ex is to sleep with another girl. It’s the fastest and most efficient way to get an ex-girlfriend out of your system. One of the reasons we equivocate about leaving an ex behind is because — no matter how confident we are — we worry we won’t find someone new. That’s what sends us crawling back to our familiar, comfy, dysfunctional exes time and time again. Finding a new love interest, even for one night, is the best method of countering all those self-defeating thoughts.

[This message edited by Bebba1171 at 8:05 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

I agree that the suggestions seemed good until I read #11. This may be a foolproof way for a guy to get over a girl, but it can come at the expense of another person. It also can damage this girl's view of men in general. Like you said it isn't me.

All good suggestions until #11. That's just using someone and is a douchebag thing to do.

#1 - 10 are spot on.

#11 can actually make things worse.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 11:33 AM, November 21st, 2013 (Thursday)]

Actually, I think all 11 are a bit harsh. No need to treat ex significant others like the plague. After all, at one point they were quite "significant" in our lives.

I will move on but I refuse to leave a trail of carnage behind me.

JMHO.

-t2g

Wow, coming out of retirement for this one!

#11 is wrong on every level.

Using someone to just make you feel better just makes you a douchebag. Not only wil it not work because you'll still get up the next day missing the actual relationship your still mourning, you'll also have to deal with the guilt of what you have just done to some poor girl.

Sleeping with someone else doesn't solve or address anything, its just a distraction. Your just putting off dealing with your feelings and basically rugsweeping the whole relationship.

I think the #11 is for less thoughtful people than us -likely younger than most of us.

Seems like a lot of College kids "hook up" or something like that.

Not for me, but for some it may be helpful - especially if both parties know what is going on and want to - kind of a FWB thing that is not for me either!

As far as treating them like the plague, that is an interesting comment. I will always be kind to her if she ever reaches out to me again.

This morning I tossed out all the cards and pictures I had received/printed over the one year we were together. I think that was a smart thing to do.

I really don't want to go back to her, and need to move on.

Trying to decide to do with some of the clothes she gave me - maybe donate or keep.

She was really good for me at the time, and I remain positive over the experience.

She wanted to end things since she felt we both could find people better suited toward us. She is already dating someone new.

She was right about us needing to split up, but I sure do miss her beautiful face!

I disagree with #11. That is it plain using someone. Ick.

As far as returning the former SO's things, I think you should do it. Mail or UPS works just fine--you don't have to see the person. Not doing so is dishonorable. Besides, end it and extricate yourself in a way you would want to have happen to you.

Cat

The whole article smacks as if written by a frat boy.

Lack of emotional intelligence for sure.

AJ's MOM

The whole article smacks as if written by a frat boy.

FWIW, I'm a frat boy and I've never written anything like that ever.

As far as returning the former SO's things, I think you should do it. Mail or UPS works just fine--you don't have to see the person. Not doing so is dishonorable. Besides, end it and extricate yourself in a way you would want to have happen to you.

The article isn't saying anything about keeping things, it's about asking your ex for your stuff back. Which I agree with. Why initiate conversation and a meeting with someone you'd probaby be MUCH better off not seeing?

I had a storage unit that I was going to abandon that had a ton of crap of both of ours when I was going to D. Before I adandoned it, I made sure she got all the stuff she wanted. She had a bunch of figurines we painted together (I painted some and she painted some) and I wanted the ones I painted but it would've broke 1, 2, 3, 6, 7, 9. Better off without the stuff I would never use and just hold onto and take up space. She didn't offer so I didn't ask for it.

Exceptions? Yeah, probably a lot. As a general rule though, it's all very good advice which I pretty much followed step by step (except #11). Not that #11 isn't good advice. #11 says nothing about lying or using some poor unsuspecting soul as some type of temporary ego boost until the next temporary ego boost. Just to go out and seek some physical release with another consentual adult. Nothing wrong with that.

She was really good for me at the time, and I remain positive over the experience.

Then why are you trying to forget/erase the memories?

I have had two incredibly wonderful relationships post D that did not work out for me - I certainly don't want to deny they ever happened or forget about them. I saved everything.

Just a thought.

-t2g

Mine was easier. All I had to do was remember she cheated on me. LOL....

As for girlfriends, It might sound strange but I have a tendency to stay friends with them. Always have. Last spring I hooked up with an old GF. It did not work out, but I'm not angry or hurt by it. As long as the break up was not bitter, like being cheated on I kind of like staying friendly. But that's just me. I guess I'm weird.

IMO, the controversial #11 becomes relevant only if your relationship was based on sex, nothing else. Which most of us here aren't interested in.

Oh everyone, I just couldn''t resist a slight parody. Bebba please don''t be angry with me b/c I really appreciate how you''ve been sharing about what you''re going through right now and I certainly don''t mean to mock that. When you''re picking up pieces, good advice can come from the strangest places, and sometimes too, it''s one little nugget from a pile of crap that can make all the difference. So I get it.

Oh but the list! How could I not engage in a little snark

1- Take her off that pedestal

What in the world were you doing put her up there in the first place? Nothing signals the death knell of a relationship quicker than believing someone''s perfect b/c you''re setting them up to let you down.

2- Get closure

i.e. don''t break up by text, actually talk to them!

3- Don''t contact her

Um, duh. This is a break up. Not contacting them is the point.

4- Work out

What? You weren''t working out while you were dating her? What sort of idiot are you? Working out together is one of the most fun things couples can do. So yeah, start now and don''t stop for your next relationship.

5- Avoid her friends and the places she hangs

Well, yeah, because nothing good ever comes from stalking someone. And besides, didn''t you break up with her?

6- Throw away anything that reminds you of her

Definitely sanitize your life and pretend you never met this person. After all man is an island and never needs to acknowledge the influence or help of anyone.

7- Don''t try to get your stuff back

Unless you stupidly gave away a family heirloom that your mom is asking the whereabouts of, um, why is this even here?

8- Hang out with your friends

What? You weren''t hanging out with your friends while dating her? Are you really one of those guys who ditches his friends when he''s in a relationship? Shame on you.

9- Remember the bad times

After all, nothing speeds healing like ruminating and dwelling. Believe me, I should know!

10- Exercise your newfound freedom

If you saw this woman as a ball & chain, what the hell were you doing in a relationship in the first place???

11- Sleep with another girl

Most foolproof, huh? At the very least, please don''t cart along that now empty pedestal on your dates. You''ll look silly.

[This message edited by cayc at 6:51 AM, November 22nd, 2013 (Friday)]

cayc -

Bebba1171 - it is OK to still care about her.

-t2g

I used all of these when I broke up with the firefighter I dated after my divorce (except #11). It was a very dysfunctional relationship and took me almost a year to end. I would break up with him, he would hound me, I would be lonely and go back. Kind of like the Godfather - "Just when I thought I was out, he would pull me back in."

So I finally employed the scorched earth tactics on this list. It was the only way for me to break free.

The only thing beside memories of that relationship are some photos I still have. Enough time has elapsed and I'm in a new and improved relationship now so they do not trigger me.

Some day when I'm sitting in my rocking chair, I can look at those photos and say, "I dated a hot fireman after my divorce." I will leave out the part where he was a cheating asshole.

NL