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justus72 posted 11/21/2013 08:36 AM

Let me first say this...I am completely lost and devastated.

On October 25th 2013, I was contacted by an anonymous message that my wife and a doctor she works with were having an inappropriate relationship. In any other situation, I would have been irate because I am a jealous and untrustworthy person by nature. In this instance, I tried my best to be someone who would listen. My wife told me that they were just friends and I had nothing to worry about. I knew in my heart this was not the truth. I asked her to show me her emails from work and she did, there were several, nothing overt, but certainly not emails that would indicate this was a professional relationship only.

I kept asking questions and the story kept changing. This is normal for my wife as she struggles with the truth. Finally on Monday, November 18th, she said there was a PA and it was a ONS back in February of 2011. I am devastated but I love my wife with all of my heart and soul and I have zero desire to end this marriage.

My current struggles are that I'm still not sure that I have the entire truth and while I will do whatever I can on my end to work on this, I just don't feel like I can until I know the truth. She has been outright lying to my face about this, how will I ever know when I have the entire truth?

She told me that the PA was at work and they work in the same building, except now she is on midnights...

How in this world can I watch her go to this place and be away without a piece of me dying everytime she walks out that door?

Please help me. I'm lost and empty

bobf posted 11/21/2013 09:14 AM

Ask yourself how much you want to know and can you handle it?

There are legal ramifications in many states that revolve around consent and you will probably not have her consent to monitor her so be aware of that.

Legally, this stuff is dubious. Emotionally finding out could be devastating. (listening to your wife have sex with him in her car might be something you really do not want to hear).

I am sorry if I sound very cynical. Unfortunately, I learned a lot recently about how to do some of these things.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:30 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

ascian posted 11/21/2013 09:55 AM

how will I ever know when I have the entire truth?

The sad part about being a BS is that you can't, not really. You have to decide if you're willing to trust your WS, if the possibility of future pain is worth the risk.

For some people, it isn't. They can't or won't risk that hurt again, at least not right away. For others it is, either with their current partner or with a new one. We can't tell you what's better for you, but we'll always lend an ear, shoulder, or advice should you need it.

justus72 posted 11/21/2013 12:44 PM

I don't want to spy on her to get the truth, I really just want it from her...

jackson posted 11/21/2013 16:19 PM

Well you probably do not have the whole story. It usually plays out over time with a lot of TTs. If the OM is married then if I were you I would contact his BW and enlist her help in getting the complete story. Is you WW remorseful? Has she apologized? How is she coping with the disclosure?