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Spousal support ending - another layer of goodbye

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InnerLight posted 11/21/2013 09:26 AM

I was married for 17 years and condensed the spousal support into 5 years because I knew it would be a challenge to get on my feet. I'm self employed and in keeping our country cottage, moving to a rural area, it meant greatly rejiggering my therapy practice during a recession while being devastated.

I will make it financially though I am sure I will feel the difference. Ive rebuilt the business somewhat, though I've made some 'mistakes' and it's not where I want it to be. I've gone through boatloads of money anxiety but somehow I know I will be OK.

But I've been re experiencing the grief again. The end of spousal support also means the last tie to XH is done. We may well never have any more contact. He's a withdrawn type and won't try to be in touch. Of course I know there is no point in reaching out to him myself. So that's that.

My mind still has a hard time grappling with the disconnection. Someone I loved so much, who was my north south east west and home base is completely wiped out from my just boggles my mind and heart all over again.

I had a dream of watching buildings tumble down all around me. A woman runs out of the rubble, her face scratched up, saying, 'my lips are burned'. Another woman looks at all the devastation and curses, 'fucking sorrow!'

I am surprised at the level of grief I am still experiencing, even as I see I have rebuilt a good life and have many happy days.

Crescita posted 11/21/2013 09:38 AM


It amazes me that people get as far as they do in their healing when they still have to maintain contact with their ex.

Take some time to mourn, then get back to living your wonderful life. I think you are going to surprise yourself with how march farther you can get now that this chapter is closed.

FaithFool posted 11/21/2013 18:13 PM

Wow, IL, what an incredible dream. Sounds like the kind I have.

There are so many layers to letting go.

jo2love posted 11/21/2013 18:46 PM


hexed posted 11/21/2013 19:25 PM


There is so much loss in all of this that it seems unlikely all the grieving could be done at once. I've grieved over many strange things and lost connections.

I have very intense dreams when I have impending face to face contact with my X. They leave me emotionally drained but I think they help me process the emotions. I hope your dreams is helping you come to peace with your escape from it all

msk99 posted 11/22/2013 14:06 PM


stronger08 posted 11/23/2013 03:40 AM

I hear ya sister. When I decided to retire almost 2 years ago I was able to cut a sweet deal for myself. But come this Feb. that deal expires and my income is going to drop almost 40%. I have prepared for this by relocating to a rural area myself. The cost of living is about half of what it was in NYC. I've also managed to pay off all my outstanding debt and purchased my home for cash. My car is also paid for and being a 2009 model with 50K miles I should be able to have it for some time to come. So that just leaves the usual shit like property taxes, HOA fees, insurance, utilities and everyday living expenses. I have run the numbers a million times and on paper I should have no problem. I have a sizeable amount put aside in my IRA and could tap it if needed in an emergency. But I'm still a bit nervous. I'm been doing a little investing in the markets but so far have not made that much. I have a long term portfolio that hopefully will grow. I could have worked another 10-15 years and retired very comfortable. But my line of work was killing me and I already did 32 years before packing it in at 50. Sometimes quality is much better then quantity. And my life has much more quality since I made my decision. But quantity has a quality of itsown, so I'll see where this takes me. If needed I can always go back to work I guess. So I hear ya loud and clear. Just want you to know your not alone in this risk we call life.

InnerLight posted 11/23/2013 15:22 PM

I think you are going to surprise yourself with how march farther you can get now that this chapter is closed.

Thanks for this thought, crescita. I really hope this is true.

Stronger, it sounds like you've prepared for the income drop really well. But I know it sure is a weird feeling to see it coming. My income is low compared to a Wall Street gig, but my work is completely aligned with my personal growth and development so I find it nourishing and fulfilling. I just wish I didn't feel so close to the edge.

I just found out about a day long grief ritual led by an anthropologist who has studied how other cultures create community support for releasing those emotions around loss. It doesn't sound like a barrel of laughs but it might help me let go and allow new energy in. I sure need that new energy to turn my practice into a more efficient way of supporting me financially.

I think I will send a card to ex when the last SS payment is in, and say thanks for completing that obligation. Seems right to acknowledge it somehow, and this will be the last contact.

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