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One for the road???

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PhoenixRising88 posted 11/21/2013 09:38 AM

So STBXH and I are still currently living in the same house. I'll be outta there by Dec 15th.

And he is full-court-pressing lately to have sex. Saying stuff like 'we might as well do it while we can, gonna be a long dry spell.'

Okay, I am not really okay with that. Several reasons:

1) We're getting divorced. Hello!! I don't know about him but I personally haven't been in 'booty call' mindset since my early 20's. It has to mean something on some level to me, otherwise it's just mechanics and I'm not interested.

2) He's under the (mistaken) impression that sex rates highly on everyone's list like it does his. Don't get me wrong, our life together in that regard was always stellar. But I don't think he understands - I can take or leave the entire concept at this point. Going without is just not a big deal for me right now; my focus is elsewhere.

3)He can talk all he wants about 'being okay with this' and 'knowing it's over between us' but I believe that deep down he's of the mindset that I'll come running back at some point. He can think whatever he likes. But I do NOT want to add to that, cause is isn't gonna happen.

I've been deflecting using humor or just avoiding the whole topic. He says he wants to remain on friendly terms; not gonna happen if he keeps pressing me on this. Suggestions? Advice?

Merlin posted 11/21/2013 09:42 AM

His issue is not your problem.

If you're not into it, don't do it.

Brandon808 posted 11/21/2013 09:54 AM

Saying stuff like 'we might as well do it while we can, gonna be a long dry spell.'

Wow...what a charmer. How are you able to resist such a nuanced seduction from a sophisticated talker like him?

GabyBaby posted 11/21/2013 10:08 AM

Saying stuff like 'we might as well do it while we can, gonna be a long dry spell.'
I'd be hard pressed not to respond, "Long dry spell for YOU maybe..."
But I'm kinda evil like that...

ninebark posted 11/21/2013 10:14 AM

Tell him you have plenty of batteries and you have a much better relationship with your vibrator.

suckstobeme posted 11/21/2013 10:35 AM

My suggestion is to enforce the boundary and give him a good, firm "NO". Using humor to deflect or just ignoring his gross attempts will not make it stop. You don't have to be mean (I would be but that's me) - just say it like it is and tell him the issue is no longer on the table. The marriage is over, you're getting divorced, and he's the last person in the world you'd want to have sex with at this point.

Very gently, you not voicing this opinion makes me wonder whether you find some validation in his suggestions and whether you want him to stop. I would ask yourself those questions and be really honest with yourself. This has nothing to do with trying for an amicable divorce - he's really pushing a boundary and for some reason you are not pushing back.

Please know this is not a criticism or judgement. I'm just trying to get you to maybe understand the dynamics of the relationship and to see how entangled you still are emotionally.

PhoenixRising88 posted 11/21/2013 10:46 AM

Very gently, you not voicing this opinion makes me wonder whether you find some validation in his suggestions and whether you want him to stop. I would ask yourself those questions and be really honest with yourself.

Yeah.... sigh...

(Thank God for anonymity on SI, I can't talk about sex in real life without turning beet red!!!......)

The one thing that's kept me from really being mean about this to get him to stop is - Our sex life was hot. Always. Hot hot hot. Part of me says, quite frankly, "hit it" one last time before I go, since right now he's the only one that legally and morally I can be with anyway!

And the majority of me says it's stupid to even consider it, that the reason it was always so hot hot hot was the FEELINGS involved that aren't there anymore... So it would be...common now.

jemimapd posted 11/21/2013 11:15 AM

I think you would feel really lousy afterwards.

shiloe posted 11/21/2013 11:15 AM

Don't do it, you will regret it later.
And, frankly, he does not deserve the ego boost.

GabyBaby posted 11/21/2013 11:16 AM

Don't do it, you will regret it later.
And, frankly, he does not deserve the ego boost.
I agree.

Pass posted 11/21/2013 11:24 AM

Hey Phoenix,

I've gotta be honest: In the last week The Princess and I were together, I tried this as well. Even though I knew I wanted to leave, and I started the ball rolling (well, really she did by screwing around, but you know what I mean), I was already missing her desperately.

It wasn't just about the physical part. I wanted to feel that connection with someone again, before what was bound to be (and is) a long time without any affection. To her credit, The Princess let me down gently, and said that she would just cry through the whole thing (the closest thing she had expressed to emotion in a LONG time).

But as far as the physical part goes, she also looked so damn hot in those flannel pyjamas (not being sarcastic).

I'm not trying to excuse your STBXH's clumsy attempts, just explaining that, if you choose to, you could be flattered - even if it's the last thing you want at this point. It means you're still hot!

Like others have said, though, you need to firmly shut this down if you don't want him to ask again. He might be seeing your humorous deflection as flirting.

lifestoshort posted 11/21/2013 11:25 AM

my H would do this constantly and because I refused he would get so ticked. so I would just laugh. Um, why on earth would I sleep with you when you are a lazy loser and trying to control me?? on top of that, giving myself to you sexually weakens me and makes me vulnerable. Now, if I approached him to have sex, that would make me the aggressive controller and I would not feel bad.
but nah, sex wasn't great anyway. I prefer the comment about a better relationship with my batteries.

PhoenixRising88 posted 11/21/2013 11:27 AM

Don't do it, you will regret it later.
And, frankly, he does not deserve the ego boost.

LOL.... The one thing he is definitely NOT short on is ego... Almost wish I'd be able to see his face six months, a year from now, when he finally realizes, "oh wow she's really not coming back"...

Thanks for all the input, gonna go with my gut, which says 'not in this lifetime buddy - no one's THAT good !!!'

Gemini71 posted 11/21/2013 22:54 PM

My reply would simply be, "I don't want to have to go through all that STD testing again." I've never been keen on using public facilities (which is what STBXH has become).

PhoenixRising88 posted 11/22/2013 08:49 AM

Okay... Nice PhoenixRising88 went on sabbatical last night and her bitch-boots wearing twin showed up.

It's now CLEAR we're not only not going there, but that I am OUT OF THERE Dec. 1. I've even opted to take all my furniture and crap with me now so as not to have to deal with him later to try and get my stuff. (Original plan was leave furniture, etc there until I get to where I can move out of my mom's and into my own place). I decided screw that. Like a friend told me "Girl, you are already gonna still have ties to him until the rental property sells, no need in adding MORE strings he can pull you with."

Jennifer99 posted 11/22/2013 10:09 AM

I have been practicing on this ALL week. I don't know if I'll be any help.

First I evaded. Then I avoided. Then I thought F this! Now I just look at him, do the you-gotta-be-kidding-me-face and say NO and walk away. He keeps following me I go to a room I can shut and lock a door.

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