Topic: NC letter..did you send one?
Member # 41309
| Posted: 10:17 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
How many of you have actually written a NC letter and sent it to OW,OM? For those of you who have sent one, has it given you peace of mind?
Posts: 51 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 38391
| Posted: 10:21 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
We didn't. He called her. Without me there. At MY request.
We weren't on SI yet and didn't know any better.
I say definitely do it. I wish we had and so does he.
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry
Posts: 1161 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
Member # 38207
| Posted: 10:29 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
We didn't. We didn't have physical addresses or more than first names for OW3&4. He deleted them from his yahoo messenger contacts and when they tried to contact him, he told them there would be no more contact. OW1 had been NC for over a year on dday. OW2 and OW5 were both notified by text that he never wanted to talk to them again and for them to leave him and his family alone. Both attempted contact and he showed me and ignored. OW2 texted me a month or so from dday (we had been friends). I simply told her to leave us alone. She hasn't said anything to either of us since. OW1&5 both attempted contact shortly before dday antiversary. OW5 was met with crickets. OW1 sent a thinly veiled threat. While I watched, H sent a few back and forth messages to determine the nature and severity of the threat, kept the messages and told OW1 that if anything happened to him, he now had evidence that she was involved. We haven't heard from her since.
I did, however, have my H write an NC letter to OW1, but never sent it (my baby ate it, seriously). Just having one gave me some comfort.
Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 33374
| Posted: 10:38 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
We did not. FWH called OW's BH in front of me and told him what was going on. That basically put a quick stop to everything.We've never been contacted and as far as I know she's never reached out.
You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.
Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013
Posts: 2156 | Registered: Sep 2011
Member # 40050
| Posted: 10:43 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
We did and it was one of the best things he's done for me since D DAY. It was very demeaning towards his AND her behavior and actions. It stated how much he loved me, has been disrespectful of me, and how I deserved so much more. It also said how he was going to try to win my love and respect back and be a better man. It advised her to never attempt contact with him, in any way, and to not attempt contact should she see him in public.
I mailed it certified, return receipt, and she signed for it. I've heard, since then, that she was pissed!
Too bad. I was vindicated and happy and I needed that BADLY at that time.
I kept a copy of the letter so I could read it occasionally and it always makes me feel better.
I'll also give copies to her adult children and in-laws if she violates it.
Me BW, Him WH (sosorry54)
TT until 9/18/14
Posts: 167 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 38103
| Posted: 10:54 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
We didn't. OM's BW found out and the NC was from OM. WW broke it "just to find out what happened". OM ignored. All this happened before my d day.
Fortunately for me and OM's BW, both WW and OM seem to be ok with NC.
Me: BH, 44
Her: WW, 43
D day. January 12, 2013
Posts: 724 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Socal
Member # 28555
| Posted: 11:12 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
I facebook messaged OW my own NC letter. XWH does not have the word NO in his vocabulary....really!
They work for the same co. so I really had no idea if they were still talking, even up to now.
But, I did go visit her husband and informed him.
"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".
Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
Member # 40699
| Posted: 11:18 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
We both did. A couple of days after Dday he sent an email saying the conversation was inappropriate, won't happen again, and he would no longer have contact with her other than work. She agreed but then used me as a way to keep in contact. I was pregnant and she would ask how I was feeling. She even asked for pics of our newborn son and he sent her some. Again he sent a NC email. Then while I was in his office she played a prank on him. Again he sent a NC and she got pissed. Everyday she would send good morning emails to everyone. He never responded to them. On 10/31 (our anniversary) she sent an email asking why he never responded. He basically told her he didn't think she realized the pain they had caused and she replied back "well I'm glad you are okay and we can still be friends"! Wth? So we both sent NC emails and she flipped out. Sent a string of nasty emails to which we didn't respond.
Me BS 33 Him WS 37
Together 6 years, married almost 4 years
D-day: 07/23/13 EA with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out about a past kiss
D-day: 05/30/16 Saw first text message from new COW
D-day: 09-08-16 Dr. Fone confirmed EA
Posts: 1243 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Member # 34755
| Posted: 11:19 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
To AP#3 yes. Sent it certified and registered. She's never contacted him again.
AP#1,2,4 no because I didn't find out about them until contact had long been over.
BS - Me
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 30817
| Posted: 11:20 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
Uh, 3? of them?
What worked the best was hanging up on her when she called. BOOM. Done.
2 ddays in '07
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi
Posts: 7991 | Registered: Jan 2011
Member # 33202
| Posted: 11:26 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
No letter. He just stopped using the A phone. The silence was enough.
We've had a few weird incoherent "polling" calls on the land line since then but I handled them.
Posts: 792 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 30314
| Posted: 11:27 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
a phone call to each, made in front of me, professing his love for me and saying that he was ending it with them.
with mine? I can't remember but I don't think so. I think my husband sent a threatening one to him.
Posts: 7613 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 34770
| Posted: 11:34 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
I sent a text to OW telling her that there will be no more contact. Apart from a message left and two letters, she has respected this.
However, I wish that my H had written one. Oh how I wish this.
It isn't the same coming from me. I needed him to she that initiative for me.
Now, two years after dday, I still want him to write a letter. Not to establish NC obviously, as there has been NC, but to renounce their relationship. To tell her that he considers their A to be the biggest mistake of his life, that he loves me and is so grateful to be given another chance. To tell her that what they did was not about love but about brokenness, using and selfishness. That he feels that he was in a terrible place during the A, that it caused only destruction and that he will always regret not protecting his family from an intruder.
Is it really too late to send such a letter? I have been asking for this for some time, and my H won't do it.
I know that I shouldn't invite contact or give her any space in our lives, but I feel that until this is done, she will continue to take up that space.
Sorry to have turned this thread a bit.
Just wanted to express how much I wish we had sent a NC letter in the very beginning.
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!
Posts: 1358 | Registered: Feb 2012
Member # 27941
| Posted: 12:46 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
We sent a total of 3 to OW. The first was sent certified, and she refused it and the postal service returned it to us.
After OW broke NC, we sent a letter to her new place of business, with no return address, and disguised penmanship.
After breaking NC again OW tells WSO she didn't receive the second one and says: "I don't need another one of those letters."
So, sent her the third one, certified, and she refused that one too.
From my standpoint it gave me some peace to know that we were sending OW a message to not make any contact. I really believe she received and opened the second one by mistake.
Posts: 334 | Registered: Mar 2010
Member # 38089
| Posted: 1:04 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
No. WH told her NC, and she hasnt thus far. I even left her number unblocked to see if the OW would contact him and nothing. I eventually blocked it to be safe. I check his email and nothing.
NC has been maintained as far as I know.
OW - (former co worker of WH)
Dday: Dec 2012
Posts: 608 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 37998
| Posted: 1:12 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
My dday was over the weekend and I was at work the next day when xap kept trying to call me. I got permission from BH to accept xap phone call and tell him it was over.
I then threw away my pay as you go phone in the dumpster at work.
In hindsight I wish I would have done it in front of BH. I guess the phone turned back on in the dump and xap BW kept telling my bh I still had it.
Live and learn I guess. But thankfully xap honored my wish and never tried to call me again. Over 2 years and not a peep - I am thankful for that!
Me - WS
H - BH
D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM
Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012
Posts: 75 | Registered: Jan 2013
Member # 21101
| Posted: 2:06 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
Yes, I demanded it as a condition to R. He sent it email on a new email address, and then I was able to change the password immediately after, so if she responded I knew.
It was simple and respected me. Of course he broke NC within 72 hours. We did this little dance a few times before it stuck.
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
Posts: 12865 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 31240
| Posted: 3:51 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
My W was distraught. She thought ow would commit suicide if she (W) broke up with her.
Texting was critical to their A, so I drafted a text message saying something like 'I won't meet you today as planned or ever again. This is the last time I will contact you.' W approved the draft. I don't remember who hit 'send'.
That was immediately followed by numerous phone calls (dozens?), which I picked up and hung up on. Later on the morning of D-Day, ow and her H(!) showed up at our building wanting to see my W, and I stood in the vestibule for 45 minutes until they left. (I was afraid they'd be able to force their way in if I tried to get through to the lobby myself.)
Then came texts, which were ignored. Then W changed her number, with no forwarding from the old number, which stopped the texts.
ow sent a birthday card to my W 2+ weeks after D-Day.
W & ow had some business dealings. A month or 2 or 3 after D-Day, ow called and asked for W. I didn't recognize her voice, so I passed her on to W, who freaked. W told her to write a letter about any remaining business issues.
I'm as close to 100% certain as I can be that my W did nothing to initiate or evoke or continue ow's disrespecting the NC text. That's why I tend to recommend giving WSes a pass when it's the ap who breaks NC. YMMV.
[This message edited by sisoon at 3:55 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]
fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 45+, together 45+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.
Posts: 15785 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Member # 40769
| Posted: 3:59 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
He sent one through text the day after d day. Hadnt found the site yet- wish I had.
We officially discussed NC together but didn't send a letter on July 29th and countless other conversations after that. i made it clear what NC meant to me and he agreed.
Unbeknownst to me she contacted him all through August- and he responded several times.
it was her arguing about NC and trying to reel him back in. And he got reeled- not into the A again necessarily- but into the arguments with her. That killed me. That he validated her contact with a response- regardless of what he was saying.
He stopped returning contact in August- I didn't find ou until last week. But- her number was recently blocked and the last ten texts or so were very angry and full of "I know you won't respond but I just want to say..."
We are done with that now.
Although someone from the land trust called the other night asking for our new address- and I went into full blown panic attack.
I say make it as clear and direct as possible and then take measures to prevent it.
I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
full truth: 11-14-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017
Posts: 1093 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Member # 40710
| Posted: 8:33 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013|
My WH wrote one and I am the one who mailed it....it made me feel better. He had text her and told her it was done but that did not stop her from sending a card to his work with some BS about her thinking about him all the time....stupid "bleep".....anyways as far as I know that was it. That letter was very important to me and I'm so glad it was sent. I highly recommended the NC letter.... I managed to sleep a little better that night.
two month affair with a supposed friend....more like a filthy whore
R.....it's going well (so far)
Posts: 44 | Registered: Sep 2013
|Topic Posts: 29|