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Newest Member: bigpockets (45700)

User Topic: He Won't Leave, Exact year from Dday#1
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tried, I reall did. Over the past 12 months from Dday #1 out of 5 Ddays and TT that lasted 6 months long, my heart's not in it. I'd rather be companions, but it's getting impossible. We don't like each other, we argue ALL the time. To top it off I have OCD. WTF!! Really OCD about his affairs. Nice, lucky me. As if this wasn't hard enough. I know now why I can't get over it. If he accidentally slept with someone while drunk, once. Maybe I could forgive him. But 3 years, 8 OW, 1 LTA of a year, while I had absolutely NO IDEA. I was busy having babies and working 12 hour days to notice. No wonder I can't get over it. That was straight out abuse, emotionally and sexually depriving me for 3 years of my life and I thought it was all my fault the whole time.

We dropped MC/IC last week after the last six months of "trying." He joined a chemical dependency program for about 2 weeks. He only had 4 more weeks to go to complete it. Now he tells me, he wants to spend time with the boys those 3x a week he's supposed to have program. And, he wants to drink again. In the beginning his excuse was he cheated bc of drinking, which I no longer believe thanks to Sammy Baker. (Thanks, hon.) So my logic, was no drinking, AA/12 step, etc. Well, he didn't bite.

I don't feel attached to him, I actually have no love for him, he irritates me, he takes advantage financially and honestly he has no where to go. So, my problem now is I can't get him to leave. And, really I'm paying rent, his car payment, supporting our family, why wouldn't he go. He has a free ride. He kind of works, but that's a whole other story.

Ok, I'm just venting. And now that I don't have IC anymore, this felt pretty damn good to get off my chest. I am seeking a psychiatrist, doing the 180, focusing on myself and the boys, doing my own thing, etc.

I don't need him and don't know how to get out of all this...It makes it hard because my OCD is relationship based. Hopefully, my new shrink can help.

Thanks for anyone listening.

You all rock and have hearts of steel. I know it's hard and I completely feel your pain...


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why aren't you leaving?


AJ's MOM


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21097 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd stop paying "his" bills and start saving money to get your own place for you and the kids.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Stick a fork in me...

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for cl


Posts: 6678 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Becuase we have a lease under MY name. It's up in April. EVERYTHING'S under my name. All the cars, the credit cards, the savings, the checking. EVERYTHING. I did everything. I learned about it in my group Alcohol meetings. Since, he was drunk for so long, I took over all the resposibilities...It's a horrible cycle of alcoholism.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:31 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
ajsmom
♀ 17460
Member # 17460
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look into subletting it.

Happens all the time.

OR

GET. A. LAWYER.


Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
DS - 31 - Yikes!


Posts: 21097 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 10:38 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

File. Make sure your lawyer puts in clause for him to be evicted from home.
Some states it's 30 days. Day 31, call the police and they will take him off the property.
Good luck.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
KeepCalm_CarryOn
♀ 33374
Member # 33374
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shut down the credit cards, take him off as a approved user. If the savings and such are in your name, shut down his access.


You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013


Posts: 2043 | Registered: Sep 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything is in my name too..

You said it. It's abuse.

I'm not in my house and probably gonna file bankruptcy, but anything was worth it to stop the abuse and manipulation.

I've healed so much since leaving him, and I feel your pain when you post. I promise your life will lift off more than you know when you get away from him. Figure out a way. Any way.


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Kelany
♀ 34755
Member # 34755
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh sweetie.

First, I'm proud of you fir no longer accepting his excuse and recognizing it for what it is.

Second, contact a lawyer baby and get your bitch boots on.

I believe in you. I really do.


BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking


Posts: 2031 | Registered: Feb 2012
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ 31765
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hi, liberty

Hopefully when you are even partially rid of this crazymaking relationship and person your OCD may magically go away. How long have you had it? So don't give up hope or get too far into that "diagnosis". Our bodies are constantly changing. Of course I love thinking outside the box.

Good luck.


Posts: 820 | Registered: Apr 2011
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:48 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to remove the poison in your life. Your OCD issues will go away, or at least be managable, when the anxiety that is fueling it is gone.

He doesn't really work? Fine go sell his car (which is yours and in your name). Take him off as a user on the CC's, and checking, and debit accounts. Send him to the local homeless shelter, and if he isn't happy with that too damn bad.

YOU are strong, and YOU deserve far more, so start demanding it.

Time to change the locks, and send him on his merry little way.

((((and strength))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
StillLivin
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ew tushnurse, I love everything you said. Hahaha, especailly the homeless shelter.
Libertyrocks, would you be a sweetie and be so kind as to even give him a ride to the homeless shelter...seeing as he doesn't have a car to take himself!
Bwahahahahaha


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2482 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, now you have a deadline and a goal. Your lease is up in April. You may or may not renew the lease, but no matter which, he will not be on the lease nor will he be put on any lease/rental agreement as an occupant. Therefore he will have no legal right to be there and therefore if you stay and he doesn't leave, he can be escorted out by the police. If you find another place, he doesn't move with you. His problem where he stays.

So, worse case scenario, you have a few months to dis-entangle your finances, close all accounts that are joint, cancel credit cards, get your lawyer moving, etc. You can SO do this!


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5072 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
libertyrocks
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I told him last night I wasn't in love with him, don't love him, and frankly I don't like him as a person. He flipped out. He's not going to leave. I'm basically going to have to line my ducks in a row and make a run for it. I think he's NPD. He's so cold, not really remorseful and never really was. He just wants to avoid the whole thing and "move forward." I can't move forward when I don't know what happened. Till this day he still doesn't "remember" the fist time he cheated on me, still won't answer my questions, thanks to our MC's. They say the details don't matter, that I obsess and will always find questions to ask so I can be hurt. All I know is I. fucking. hate. that. guy.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:04 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Mousse242
♀ 6330
Member # 6330
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you have to pay for the lease on the car do that until the lease is up. Then no more cars for him unless he can do it on his own.

Stop doing things like his laundry, cooking for him (cook and feed you and the kids), etc. Take him off all your credit and debit cards. Report them stolen, that you need new cards and that you are the only one authorized to use them.

Keep track of all expenses - so he cannot claim spousal support or anything like that. I'm guessing everything you have is going to support the family. Even close your bank account and reopen it strictly in your name. Give him an "allowance". Do not keep cash in your purse or around the house. Assume he'll take it. Remove anything of value from the house that can be easily pawned - jewelry, collectibles, etc. Get a safe deposit box or keep them with a very trusted friend or family member.

With a history of substance abuse (alcohol) he cannot be trusted. I would also contact the car place you leased it from and weigh your options. If he crashes or does something to that car you may be liable. If it is your car, you can also move it to a friends garage for storage until April. Hell, if he takes it, you can report it stolen and he can go to jail if you tell him that he can no longer drive it.

See an attorney about the abuse and see if you can get him out of the house on those allegations.


Posts: 5473 | Registered: Jan 2005 | From: Chicago
RidingHealingRd
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:26 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do not understand why you are not seeking a D? Get an attorney and work to get him out.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2133 | Registered: Nov 2011
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry it's come down to this. I wish you strength and a good attorney.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10570 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 17

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