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He Won't Leave, Exact year from Dday#1

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 libertyrocks (original poster member #38924) posted at 4:20 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

I tried, I reall did. Over the past 12 months from Dday #1 out of 5 Ddays and TT that lasted 6 months long, my heart's not in it. I'd rather be companions, but it's getting impossible. We don't like each other, we argue ALL the time. To top it off I have OCD. WTF!! Really OCD about his affairs. Nice, lucky me. As if this wasn't hard enough. I know now why I can't get over it. If he accidentally slept with someone while drunk, once. Maybe I could forgive him. But 3 years, 8 OW, 1 LTA of a year, while I had absolutely NO IDEA. I was busy having babies and working 12 hour days to notice. No wonder I can't get over it. That was straight out abuse, emotionally and sexually depriving me for 3 years of my life and I thought it was all my fault the whole time.

We dropped MC/IC last week after the last six months of "trying." He joined a chemical dependency program for about 2 weeks. He only had 4 more weeks to go to complete it. Now he tells me, he wants to spend time with the boys those 3x a week he's supposed to have program. And, he wants to drink again. In the beginning his excuse was he cheated bc of drinking, which I no longer believe thanks to Sammy Baker. (Thanks, hon.) So my logic, was no drinking, AA/12 step, etc. Well, he didn't bite.

I don't feel attached to him, I actually have no love for him, he irritates me, he takes advantage financially and honestly he has no where to go. So, my problem now is I can't get him to leave. And, really I'm paying rent, his car payment, supporting our family, why wouldn't he go. He has a free ride. He kind of works, but that's a whole other story.

Ok, I'm just venting. And now that I don't have IC anymore, this felt pretty damn good to get off my chest. I am seeking a psychiatrist, doing the 180, focusing on myself and the boys, doing my own thing, etc.

I don't need him and don't know how to get out of all this...It makes it hard because my OCD is relationship based. Hopefully, my new shrink can help.

Thanks for anyone listening.

You all rock and have hearts of steel. I know it's hard and I completely feel your pain...

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

posts: 972   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2013
id 6569899
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ajsmom ( member #17460) posted at 4:25 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Why aren't you leaving?

AJ's MOM

Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
One AMAZING DS - 34

posts: 21424   ·   registered: Dec. 21st, 2007   ·   location: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
id 6569906
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GabyBaby ( member #26928) posted at 4:27 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

I'd stop paying "his" bills and start saving money to get your own place for you and the kids.

Me - late 40s
DD(27), DS(24, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

posts: 10094   ·   registered: Dec. 26th, 2009   ·   location: Here and There
id 6569911
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 libertyrocks (original poster member #38924) posted at 4:30 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Becuase we have a lease under MY name. It's up in April. EVERYTHING'S under my name. All the cars, the credit cards, the savings, the checking. EVERYTHING. I did everything. I learned about it in my group Alcohol meetings. Since, he was drunk for so long, I took over all the resposibilities...It's a horrible cycle of alcoholism.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:31 AM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

posts: 972   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2013
id 6569915
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ajsmom ( member #17460) posted at 4:30 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Look into subletting it.

Happens all the time.

OR

GET. A. LAWYER.

Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.

"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
____________________________________________
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
One AMAZING DS - 34

posts: 21424   ·   registered: Dec. 21st, 2007   ·   location: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
id 6569918
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 4:38 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

File. Make sure your lawyer puts in clause for him to be evicted from home.

Some states it's 30 days. Day 31, call the police and they will take him off the property.

Good luck.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6244   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 6569934
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KeepCalm_CarryOn ( member #33374) posted at 4:44 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Shut down the credit cards, take him off as a approved user. If the savings and such are in your name, shut down his access.

You are not dealing with rational people or situations. Normal thought processes won't work...story of my life.

Me- BW, 30
Him- fWh, 36
Mostly R'd, minus a few scars...bought a house and got a puppy...And baby makes 3! She arrived August 2013

posts: 2156   ·   registered: Sep. 15th, 2011
id 6569947
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ButterflyGirl ( member #38377) posted at 4:53 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Everything is in my name too..

You said it. It's abuse.

I'm not in my house and probably gonna file bankruptcy, but anything was worth it to stop the abuse and manipulation.

I've healed so much since leaving him, and I feel your pain when you post. I promise your life will lift off more than you know when you get away from him. Figure out a way. Any way.

xBW~ 40
Two DS~ 15 and 11

posts: 3123   ·   registered: Feb. 6th, 2013   ·   location: Flat Earth
id 6569961
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Kelany ( member #34755) posted at 5:26 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Oh sweetie.

First, I'm proud of you fir no longer accepting his excuse and recognizing it for what it is.

Second, contact a lawyer baby and get your bitch boots on.

I believe in you. I really do.

BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

posts: 2031   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2012
id 6570020
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Thinkingtoomuch ( member #31765) posted at 5:31 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Hi, liberty

Hopefully when you are even partially rid of this crazymaking relationship and person your OCD may magically go away. How long have you had it? So don't give up hope or get too far into that "diagnosis". Our bodies are constantly changing. Of course I love thinking outside the box.

Good luck.

posts: 882   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2011
id 6570035
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 6:48 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

You need to remove the poison in your life. Your OCD issues will go away, or at least be managable, when the anxiety that is fueling it is gone.

He doesn't really work? Fine go sell his car (which is yours and in your name). Take him off as a user on the CC's, and checking, and debit accounts. Send him to the local homeless shelter, and if he isn't happy with that too damn bad.

YOU are strong, and YOU deserve far more, so start demanding it.

Time to change the locks, and send him on his merry little way.

((((and strength))))

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20381   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 6570147
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StillLivin ( member #40229) posted at 8:00 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Ew tushnurse, I love everything you said. Hahaha, especailly the homeless shelter.

Libertyrocks, would you be a sweetie and be so kind as to even give him a ride to the homeless shelter...seeing as he doesn't have a car to take himself!

Bwahahahahaha

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB: 7/2/2014

posts: 6244   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2013   ·   location: AZ
id 6570266
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Skan ( member #35812) posted at 10:43 PM on Thursday, November 21st, 2013

Well, now you have a deadline and a goal. Your lease is up in April. You may or may not renew the lease, but no matter which, he will not be on the lease nor will he be put on any lease/rental agreement as an occupant. Therefore he will have no legal right to be there and therefore if you stay and he doesn't leave, he can be escorted out by the police. If you find another place, he doesn't move with you. His problem where he stays.

So, worse case scenario, you have a few months to dis-entangle your finances, close all accounts that are joint, cancel credit cards, get your lawyer moving, etc. You can SO do this!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6570453
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 libertyrocks (original poster member #38924) posted at 6:04 PM on Friday, November 22nd, 2013

Thank you everyone. I told him last night I wasn't in love with him, don't love him, and frankly I don't like him as a person. He flipped out. He's not going to leave. I'm basically going to have to line my ducks in a row and make a run for it. I think he's NPD. He's so cold, not really remorseful and never really was. He just wants to avoid the whole thing and "move forward." I can't move forward when I don't know what happened. Till this day he still doesn't "remember" the fist time he cheated on me, still won't answer my questions, thanks to our MC's. They say the details don't matter, that I obsess and will always find questions to ask so I can be hurt. All I know is I. fucking. hate. that. guy.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:04 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

posts: 972   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2013
id 6571336
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Mousse242 ( member #6330) posted at 1:08 AM on Monday, November 25th, 2013

If you have to pay for the lease on the car do that until the lease is up. Then no more cars for him unless he can do it on his own.

Stop doing things like his laundry, cooking for him (cook and feed you and the kids), etc. Take him off all your credit and debit cards. Report them stolen, that you need new cards and that you are the only one authorized to use them.

Keep track of all expenses - so he cannot claim spousal support or anything like that. I'm guessing everything you have is going to support the family. Even close your bank account and reopen it strictly in your name. Give him an "allowance". Do not keep cash in your purse or around the house. Assume he'll take it. Remove anything of value from the house that can be easily pawned - jewelry, collectibles, etc. Get a safe deposit box or keep them with a very trusted friend or family member.

With a history of substance abuse (alcohol) he cannot be trusted. I would also contact the car place you leased it from and weigh your options. If he crashes or does something to that car you may be liable. If it is your car, you can also move it to a friends garage for storage until April. Hell, if he takes it, you can report it stolen and he can go to jail if you tell him that he can no longer drive it.

See an attorney about the abuse and see if you can get him out of the house on those allegations.

posts: 5485   ·   registered: Jan. 27th, 2005   ·   location: Chicago
id 6573448
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RidingHealingRd ( member #33867) posted at 7:26 AM on Monday, November 25th, 2013

I do not understand why you are not seeking a D? Get an attorney and work to get him out.

ME: 60 BS
HIM: 67 WH
Married: 35 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 10 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

posts: 2519   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2011
id 6573669
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:45 AM on Monday, November 25th, 2013

I'm sorry it's come down to this. I wish you strength and a good attorney.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 31151   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 6573705
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