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Newest Member: Itali614 (61544)

User Topic: Another vent
♀ 34602
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for all the vents lately. This one has always been a trigger and it just sucks that I can't do anything about it...besides accept it.

WH and OW did a lot of texting. He texted while he was holding my hand while I was driving. I always wondered why he tilted the screen away from me. He texted sitting next to me on the couch. He texted after we were intimate and I went downstairs so he could "go to bed." He texted first thing in the morning. He texted during DD's hockey practice. He texted and texted and texted. This morning I texted him and it took him an hour to get back to me. I know he is at work. I know he is busy. I know he is doing a dangerous job. I know that he has to pay attention. I know that no matter where you work that it looks bad to be on the phone. I know all that. It makes absolute sense. It still pisses me the fuck off. It still makes me feel unimportant. It still makes me think that he could remember to look a his phone every single minute to see if OW texted but he can't think to do that every 15 minutes for me. It makes me feel like she was more special. It doesn't help that in his unremorseful just regretful stage that he would yell at me for needing him and texting him too much. Gah...this is not how I pictured my life.

Me: 35
WH: 36 TimeToManUp
Married: 14 years, together 19 years
3 daughters: 12, 8, 5, and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)

D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
Exit Wounds
♀ 32811
Member # 32811
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((TattoodChinaDoll))))) I am sorry you are hurting. I have no words of wisdom. Just know that although he texted that slut, he LIVES with you! You have him full time, she was just a sperm bank to him.

I'm sorry hon

Exit Wounds
H of 17 years got gf pregnant, left our kids 9 & 11 and we never saw him again. -His choice.

Posts: 2691 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Texas
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 11:04 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel your pain, truly. My H can't get great reception on his cell in our house. He would talk to OW for hours, but if I call now, the call drops and I get a text saying that the stupid phone dropped the call. Funny, he would walk a half mile to find a good spot to talk to her, but me? Eh, I guess it can wait.

Pisses me off to no end.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♂ 41110
Member # 41110
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tattooed: I'm in exact same boat as you with the same trigger. Although we are in R and going well, she and the OM texted each other like 13 year olds, and she was always checking. She now has healthy relationships back with both me and her phone, but her lack of timely responses to me pisses me off. Slow burn .

Posts: 66 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Me, too. W hasn't texted since D-Day, and we pay by the text now. Almost 3 years with very few texts, and it's till a trigger for me.

I'll tell you, though. Reading your vent helped me. I hope it helps you.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16812 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH honey, I feel your pain in this one. My H was texting OW all the time, and way back then, I still had a regular phone, and wasn't even texting yet.

So every time he texted it was a huge trigger, and it was one for a long damn time, esp when he seemed to be hiding the screen from me, and that meant just sitting accross the room, not doing it on purpose.

Just remember, his texts to her were based out in the land of unicorns rainbows, and glitter. NOT in reality, hell that was part of the draw. He CHOOSES to be with you. HE CHOOSES to stay in your home, sleep wiht YOU, have sex with YOU, be YOUR husband. So remember if he isn't texting you back it's because he's back in the land of reality, and can't. Please share this trigger with him, so he knows when you text that a simple smiley face lets you know he is thinking of you, and is too busy to engage in much more. This helped me through it a lot. Before emoticons we would just send each other our own smoochie faces :)(: just to let each other know we were thinking of one another, and it took like 2 seconds to do.

Work through it together, and remember, he chose you.

((((and strength))))

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13297 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 40229
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBXH same same. He texted her while I was homorrhaging away in the bathroom instead of getting me to the hospital or getting an ambulance. He texted her the whole time I was helping him buy his shiny new toy SUV. And called her and talked to her for about 20 minutes when he got into that new SUV that MY name was on the title to.
He texted and texted, called, and texted at the most inappropriate and disrespectful to me times.
Now, he texts me, emails me, and calls me. He tries to get my attention. When I don't give him the ego kibbles (NC baby), then he tries to get a rise out of me. He uses money, anything to get a rise out of me, good or bad.
Now she has to worry about how hard he is trying to get my attention.
Me, meh, whatever. We are LS and I'm moving on. He thinks, and I don't bother to correct him cuz I'm NC with his stupd @$$, that the reason I haven't filed for D yet is because I'm secreetly still holding a torch for him.
Let him spin his wheels. Soon as I have my degree and am working in that field (2 years), I'll be able ot afford my own health and dental insurance.
Try not texting or calling him for several days. I'm not saying 180, but maybe something tailored for you.
It's amazing how they turn and start chasing when we aren't following.

"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 4390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
♀ 34602
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No emoticons! They are a huge trigger too. Before the A we never really used them. No real reason...just not the emoticon type of people. But then with her he used them plus the (((()))). But he made them like this (((({}))). Don't know if they did it to be sexual because that looks like a vagina. He knows about all this. And when I've brought it up sometimes I get empathy. Sometimes I get his frustration directed at me in a very mean way. I'm guessing its frustration at himself or at the situation but it comes out so angrily at me that I question it. Not that he has done that today. But he has done it plenty in the past.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 1:17 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Me: 35
WH: 36 TimeToManUp
Married: 14 years, together 19 years
3 daughters: 12, 8, 5, and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)

D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
♂ 40203
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi TCD. I feel the exact same way, huge trigger! The texting between my WW and the OM was done right in front of me, right beside me, no matter where we were at or what we were doing. I can't believe I didn't catch on. I think maybe that is what bugs me, and maybe you the most. Not that they texted so much, but I was so trusting I didn't think anything of it. Our waywards used our trust against us.

I have moved on from this a bit lately though. I look at what they had as unreal, which it was. Nothing to it, no foundation, built on lies, deceit, and justification. They had nothing but a bullshit fantasy relationship.

Concentrate on what you have now. I still ask many questions, but I follow it up with trying to build a better us and me. Being committed to a better marriage, a better me, a better her is now what it is all about. I found out quickly that no matter what, she still may hurt me again in the future. Is it worth it? I am trusting that she won't do it again. I love her and want to stay with her. I don't want what we had, I want better. There is no sense in living in the A's shadows forever. I can't keep punishing my spouse forever for her transgressions.

I have read a lot of your posts and know you still struggle mightily. I can't tell you how you should mourn or deal with your grief, but I hope for the best for you and your WH. I know you love him and from reading his posts he truly loves you. Good luck.

Posts: 173 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
♀ 34602
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 2:13 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly smokehouse, I don't know if he really loves me. I know he loves himself. I know that I have to love him more before he loves me. We've been having the same problems recently. But the same problem we've always had. If he has to give me more support than he thinks is necessary he gets angry and mean. He starts talking about his needs and how he feels unappreciated. It turns into him. In years past he would bully me into forgetting my feelings so I could focus on him again. If he can't be here for the mess that he helped create then he needs to just leave. I open up hoping he wil be there. And I end up hurting myself by being open.

Me: 35
WH: 36 TimeToManUp
Married: 14 years, together 19 years
3 daughters: 12, 8, 5, and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)

D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

Posts: 1840 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
♀ 40674
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here with you
Fwh was always texting whore
Told me it was his bloody brother
Funny he never texts his brother any more
Texts me all the time though

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ 40715
Member # 40715
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi and hugs (((((TCD)))))

I have this too. He texted them ALL the time. Me, not so much. He sexted ALL the time. I don't get a response even to innuendo. I get no xxx or I love you's or hey sexy's...hurts hurts hurts. I think he is embarrassed that he ever did that, I'm hurt that he'll do that for others but not me.

I found myself standing outside the en-suite at 5am listening to see if he was texting whilst on the loo...what has happened to me?

Trigger central today...sigh

Sending you calm thoughts and strength x

There are dark shadows on the earth, but its lights are stronger in the contrast.
Charles Dickens

Posts: 266 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 13937
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge hugs and strength to you. And this is a major button for me as well. My STBX would text constantly. It got to the point where I felt like I was intruding. It always seems the OP gets the best/most romantic side, all the effort. And we, the REAL people who really do care get the scraps left over. It sucks.

What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way.

Posts: 2184 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Not Lothlorien
♀ 40184
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, November 21st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hear you. My WH is the same way. Found out recently that he was still finding time at work to text her from a buddies phone. They kept in contact for ages via texting done only at work. With me I could text him something important and it's hours before he would get back to me. He has even berated me and said he doesn't have time for texting at work! Lying asshat!!!! His phone is on vibrate and it is like he ignores me! Well guess who ignores who now! I am living an in house separation, the shoe is on the other foot! He texts and texts and calls me and I NEVER answer. ((((TattoodChinaDoll))))

1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 377 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 5:54 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're in a couples recovery group. When I brought up that MrH just didn't give me the attention that he gave xOw2, one of the guys said that attention wasn't for her, it was to get his ego fed. That everything would be done only because the response felt good. The two guys agreed.

Personally, I think that though that may be right, it's a B.S. reason for not having the dating/wooing attitude towards the BS if you're attempting R. You don't get even a tiny ego boost when your BS responds? The WS's love the the BS isn't deep enough that when they do these little acts of love, they don't feel even better knowing they are helping to heal their BS's heart? We can't be valued at least as much as the false ego boost they got from the OP?


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
♀ 36976
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All of the important dates and times in our lives have been marred by the "truth" of the phone records. He texted and called her during kids' birthday parties, while I was in the hospital, at midnight on New Year's Eve, minutes before taking me out for our anniversary. It's really sickening and amazing how they found that much time to talk about sex during the day too. I guess people who don't feel responsible for raising kids and maintaining a relationship with their spouse have a lot more time on their hands. What a couple of losers.

It's been over a year since DDay but I'm left feeling like those important times of our lives meant so little to him. It's hard to believe now that he appreciates his family when he showed so much disregard for two years.

Do you really want him texting you all the time? for me that's a major trigger and I don't have that much idle time anyway.

Posts: 870 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 14576
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, November 27th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TCD, I can totally relate. FWH didn't even know what a friggin text message was until OW - the number and frequency were nauseating. I too was ignored when I called him whereas by the phone records, he would call/text her right back. Oh, and I too was nuts for thinking anything because after all, they were "just friends" and she was my "friend" - and she had SO much respect for me! Ugh. And even though we are R, texting is still a trigger for me, although I handle it much bette...but it's been takes time.

He knows how I feel and he no longer texts. At ALL. Occasionally I text him something along the lines of "need bread" - he calls in person to respond.

Oh and emoticons - I have a simlar trigger - "xoxo" He knows to NEVER write that to me (he writes little love notes to me every morning)...they are signed "I love you" - no x's no o's.

Hugs, TCD.. you have been heard and many of us can relate.

Edited to remove hug emoticon...sorry.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 9:02 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Me - 52; FWH - 54
Married 34 years 9/2/17
2 grown daughters-33 & 30
8yo GS,4yo GD & 3yo. GD (DD33) and 5 yo GD & 1 yo GD(DD30). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 6237 | Registered: May 2007
Topic Posts: 17

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