Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Another vent

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 11/21/2013 10:23 AM

Sorry for all the vents lately. This one has always been a trigger and it just sucks that I can't do anything about it...besides accept it.

WH and OW did a lot of texting. He texted while he was holding my hand while I was driving. I always wondered why he tilted the screen away from me. He texted sitting next to me on the couch. He texted after we were intimate and I went downstairs so he could "go to bed." He texted first thing in the morning. He texted during DD's hockey practice. He texted and texted and texted. This morning I texted him and it took him an hour to get back to me. I know he is at work. I know he is busy. I know he is doing a dangerous job. I know that he has to pay attention. I know that no matter where you work that it looks bad to be on the phone. I know all that. It makes absolute sense. It still pisses me the fuck off. It still makes me feel unimportant. It still makes me think that he could remember to look a his phone every single minute to see if OW texted but he can't think to do that every 15 minutes for me. It makes me feel like she was more special. It doesn't help that in his unremorseful just regretful stage that he would yell at me for needing him and texting him too much. Gah...this is not how I pictured my life.

Exit Wounds posted 11/21/2013 10:54 AM

(((((TattoodChinaDoll))))) I am sorry you are hurting. I have no words of wisdom. Just know that although he texted that slut, he LIVES with you! You have him full time, she was just a sperm bank to him.

I'm sorry hon

painfulpast posted 11/21/2013 11:04 AM

I feel your pain, truly. My H can't get great reception on his cell in our house. He would talk to OW for hours, but if I call now, the call drops and I get a text saying that the stupid phone dropped the call. Funny, he would walk a half mile to find a good spot to talk to her, but me? Eh, I guess it can wait.

Pisses me off to no end.

HeartbrokenDude posted 11/21/2013 11:05 AM

Tattooed: I'm in exact same boat as you with the same trigger. Although we are in R and going well, she and the OM texted each other like 13 year olds, and she was always checking. She now has healthy relationships back with both me and her phone, but her lack of timely responses to me pisses me off. Slow burn .

sisoon posted 11/21/2013 12:41 PM

Me, too. W hasn't texted since D-Day, and we pay by the text now. Almost 3 years with very few texts, and it's till a trigger for me.

I'll tell you, though. Reading your vent helped me. I hope it helps you.

tushnurse posted 11/21/2013 12:55 PM

OH honey, I feel your pain in this one. My H was texting OW all the time, and way back then, I still had a regular phone, and wasn't even texting yet.

So every time he texted it was a huge trigger, and it was one for a long damn time, esp when he seemed to be hiding the screen from me, and that meant just sitting accross the room, not doing it on purpose.

Just remember, his texts to her were based out in the land of unicorns rainbows, and glitter. NOT in reality, hell that was part of the draw. He CHOOSES to be with you. HE CHOOSES to stay in your home, sleep wiht YOU, have sex with YOU, be YOUR husband. So remember if he isn't texting you back it's because he's back in the land of reality, and can't. Please share this trigger with him, so he knows when you text that a simple smiley face lets you know he is thinking of you, and is too busy to engage in much more. This helped me through it a lot. Before emoticons we would just send each other our own smoochie faces :)(: just to let each other know we were thinking of one another, and it took like 2 seconds to do.

Work through it together, and remember, he chose you.

((((and strength))))

StillLivin posted 11/21/2013 13:09 PM

My STBXH same same. He texted her while I was homorrhaging away in the bathroom instead of getting me to the hospital or getting an ambulance. He texted her the whole time I was helping him buy his shiny new toy SUV. And called her and talked to her for about 20 minutes when he got into that new SUV that MY name was on the title to.
He texted and texted, called, and texted at the most inappropriate and disrespectful to me times.
Now, he texts me, emails me, and calls me. He tries to get my attention. When I don't give him the ego kibbles (NC baby), then he tries to get a rise out of me. He uses money, anything to get a rise out of me, good or bad.
Now she has to worry about how hard he is trying to get my attention.
Me, meh, whatever. We are LS and I'm moving on. He thinks, and I don't bother to correct him cuz I'm NC with his stupd @$$, that the reason I haven't filed for D yet is because I'm secreetly still holding a torch for him.
Let him spin his wheels. Soon as I have my degree and am working in that field (2 years), I'll be able ot afford my own health and dental insurance.
Try not texting or calling him for several days. I'm not saying 180, but maybe something tailored for you.
It's amazing how they turn and start chasing when we aren't following.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 11/21/2013 13:09 PM

No emoticons! They are a huge trigger too. Before the A we never really used them. No real reason...just not the emoticon type of people. But then with her he used them plus the (((()))). But he made them like this (((({}))). Don't know if they did it to be sexual because that looks like a vagina. He knows about all this. And when I've brought it up sometimes I get empathy. Sometimes I get his frustration directed at me in a very mean way. I'm guessing its frustration at himself or at the situation but it comes out so angrily at me that I question it. Not that he has done that today. But he has done it plenty in the past.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 1:17 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Smokehouse posted 11/21/2013 14:00 PM

Hi TCD. I feel the exact same way, huge trigger! The texting between my WW and the OM was done right in front of me, right beside me, no matter where we were at or what we were doing. I can't believe I didn't catch on. I think maybe that is what bugs me, and maybe you the most. Not that they texted so much, but I was so trusting I didn't think anything of it. Our waywards used our trust against us.

I have moved on from this a bit lately though. I look at what they had as unreal, which it was. Nothing to it, no foundation, built on lies, deceit, and justification. They had nothing but a bullshit fantasy relationship.

Concentrate on what you have now. I still ask many questions, but I follow it up with trying to build a better us and me. Being committed to a better marriage, a better me, a better her is now what it is all about. I found out quickly that no matter what, she still may hurt me again in the future. Is it worth it? I am trusting that she won't do it again. I love her and want to stay with her. I don't want what we had, I want better. There is no sense in living in the A's shadows forever. I can't keep punishing my spouse forever for her transgressions.

I have read a lot of your posts and know you still struggle mightily. I can't tell you how you should mourn or deal with your grief, but I hope for the best for you and your WH. I know you love him and from reading his posts he truly loves you. Good luck.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 11/21/2013 14:13 PM

Honestly smokehouse, I don't know if he really loves me. I know he loves himself. I know that I have to love him more before he loves me. We've been having the same problems recently. But the same problem we've always had. If he has to give me more support than he thinks is necessary he gets angry and mean. He starts talking about his needs and how he feels unappreciated. It turns into him. In years past he would bully me into forgetting my feelings so I could focus on him again. If he can't be here for the mess that he helped create then he needs to just leave. I open up hoping he wil be there. And I end up hurting myself by being open.

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/21/2013 14:53 PM

I'm here with you
Fwh was always texting whore
Told me it was his bloody brother
Funny he never texts his brother any more
Texts me all the time though

Truly posted 11/21/2013 14:56 PM

Hi and hugs (((((TCD)))))

I have this too. He texted them ALL the time. Me, not so much. He sexted ALL the time. I don't get a response even to innuendo. I get no xxx or I love you's or hey sexy's...hurts hurts hurts. I think he is embarrassed that he ever did that, I'm hurt that he'll do that for others but not me.

I found myself standing outside the en-suite at 5am listening to see if he was texting whilst on the loo...what has happened to me?

Trigger central today...sigh

Sending you calm thoughts and strength x

whiteflower99 posted 11/21/2013 17:15 PM

Huge hugs and strength to you. And this is a major button for me as well. My STBX would text constantly. It got to the point where I felt like I was intruding. It always seems the OP gets the best/most romantic side, all the effort. And we, the REAL people who really do care get the scraps left over. It sucks.

emotionalgirl posted 11/21/2013 21:07 PM

I hear you. My WH is the same way. Found out recently that he was still finding time at work to text her from a buddies phone. They kept in contact for ages via texting done only at work. With me I could text him something important and it's hours before he would get back to me. He has even berated me and said he doesn't have time for texting at work! Lying asshat!!!! His phone is on vibrate and it is like he ignores me! Well guess who ignores who now! I am living an in house separation, the shoe is on the other foot! He texts and texts and calls me and I NEVER answer. ((((TattoodChinaDoll))))

Holly-Isis posted 11/22/2013 05:54 AM

We're in a couples recovery group. When I brought up that MrH just didn't give me the attention that he gave xOw2, one of the guys said that attention wasn't for her, it was to get his ego fed. That everything would be done only because the response felt good. The two guys agreed.

Personally, I think that though that may be right, it's a B.S. reason for not having the dating/wooing attitude towards the BS if you're attempting R. You don't get even a tiny ego boost when your BS responds? The WS's love the the BS isn't deep enough that when they do these little acts of love, they don't feel even better knowing they are helping to heal their BS's heart? We can't be valued at least as much as the false ego boost they got from the OP?


RightTrack posted 11/22/2013 07:15 AM

All of the important dates and times in our lives have been marred by the "truth" of the phone records. He texted and called her during kids' birthday parties, while I was in the hospital, at midnight on New Year's Eve, minutes before taking me out for our anniversary. It's really sickening and amazing how they found that much time to talk about sex during the day too. I guess people who don't feel responsible for raising kids and maintaining a relationship with their spouse have a lot more time on their hands. What a couple of losers.

It's been over a year since DDay but I'm left feeling like those important times of our lives meant so little to him. It's hard to believe now that he appreciates his family when he showed so much disregard for two years.

Do you really want him texting you all the time? for me that's a major trigger and I don't have that much idle time anyway.

Lalagirl posted 11/27/2013 09:00 AM

TCD, I can totally relate. FWH didn't even know what a friggin text message was until OW - the number and frequency were nauseating. I too was ignored when I called him whereas by the phone records, he would call/text her right back. Oh, and I too was nuts for thinking anything because after all, they were "just friends" and she was my "friend" - and she had SO much respect for me! Ugh. And even though we are R, texting is still a trigger for me, although I handle it much bette...but it's been takes time.

He knows how I feel and he no longer texts. At ALL. Occasionally I text him something along the lines of "need bread" - he calls in person to respond.

Oh and emoticons - I have a simlar trigger - "xoxo" He knows to NEVER write that to me (he writes little love notes to me every morning)...they are signed "I love you" - no x's no o's.

Hugs, TCD.. you have been heard and many of us can relate.

Edited to remove hug emoticon...sorry.

[This message edited by Lalagirl at 9:02 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.