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Herkemeyer posted 11/21/2013 11:55 AM

So our MC and IC for both of us says I asked the questions I wanted and to put the A to bed. She then says she is not minimizing. I'm like huh? How is that not minimizing? Maybe I don't understand therapeutic processes. Any others who are confused by what the goal is in IC or Mc?

MovingUpward posted 11/21/2013 12:07 PM

What is your goal of MC? Save your marriage or rebuild the trust, the foundation of the relationship.

I'd recommend you stop paying for the counseling and when they insist on you paying you should tell them to "put it to bed". For if they do then the disagreement is over. Is that that right thing to do? Anyway the point is is that approach solves the problem. The problem in the Marriage and healing will cease to exist when the two of you see eye to eye on things. Putting it to bed is a way. Now maybe you can put it to bed but there are still steps that need to be taken.

If you need to be able to trust your spouse or know that your spouse truly loves you and not some other. Maybe their message at this point is to not dwell on the Affair but to focus on what is needed to heal.

Brandon808 posted 11/21/2013 12:13 PM

I am continually shocked at the number of supposedly trained professionals calling themselves MC but don't have the first clue.

Bottom line is this.
The MC is not a moral authority on what is right or wrong
The MC is supposed to help you and your WW rebuild the M (assuming that was the purpose to begin with)
The MC has to be a good fit for both of you. If the MC isn't working for you then they won't work well for the M.

womaninflux posted 11/21/2013 12:14 PM

Ours says at some point, you have a choice to make. You can continue to analyze and rehash the affair/past or together, you can work towards the future. I think there is some merit to this as I have had some of these turning points in this process over the last 8 months. Also, I see the effects of choosing not to let go in my own parents. There was no infidelity but one of my siblings has some special needs and my father's way of dealing with it was denial (due to his own childhood where one of his parents was institutionalized when he was 10 or 12) and she is resentful of him because of this. She has held onto this resentment - and it has impacted everything/everyone around her. What is the saying - resentment is a poison intended for someone else but it ends up killing you. Something along those lines.

My question for you is have you dealt with/processed most of the anger? Because if you haven't you aren't ready to put it to bed. Maybe this is something you need to work on.

notquiteoverit posted 11/21/2013 12:22 PM

I think that there is a point at which you move forward from the affair, and this varies from person to person. You will know when you are ready, and it should be the IC/MC's goal to help you get to that point. But, this doesn't mean you have to stop asking questions. I'm almost 3 years out, and a question still pops in my head from time to time. My WH understands that my right to ask questions will extend throughout the duration of our relationship.

jesurvis posted 11/21/2013 12:24 PM

I can relate.

Our MC wanted me to be part of role play on communication when I was in huge pain over a mountain of lies. Worse yet, I am still uncovering lies today, almost two years after DDay and these sessions were over one year ago. It boiled down to the fact that I was not communicating well...

I often fell like the rape victim being told to be responsible for what happened because of inappropriate dress or behavior.

The MC is no longer, but I did not get a refund.

Razor posted 11/21/2013 12:27 PM

My personal belief is that any person whether it be MC or IC or anyone at all that says *GET OVER IT ALREADY* really has no idea what they are talking about.

What you MC is telling you to do is to just get over it.

Obviously you MC has no idea what she is doing and at best knows a little about affairs from reading a few chapters in psychology books that were written by fools with PHDs.

Get another MC.

rachelc posted 11/21/2013 12:29 PM

The problem in the Marriage and healing will cease to exist when the two of you see eye to eye on things

this is just a question: can you agree to disagree on very important aspects of the A?

My question for you is have you dealt with/processed most of the anger?

and then this. How does one process and deal with anger? Does it fade with time? Some things don't upset me anymore but others feel like they will forever...

sisoon posted 11/21/2013 12:46 PM

What are your goals? You decide what the goals are for IC. Together with your WS, you decide your goals for MC.

It may be time to move on - to a new IC and a new MC.

But see this thread first: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514090&HL=35846.

You'll have to decide if you're holding on too tightly to the pain. It doesn't sound like you are, but check it out.

Later posted 11/21/2013 12:49 PM

The way I see it, the affair is the issue in the marriage right now. And the marriage counselor is asking you to ignore it.

I don't know about you, but I feel like the main reason for the affair was my spouse and I ignored issues. I don't intend on making that mistake again in future relationships.

Yeah, I know - we betrayed tend to go over the same ground over and over. Part of that is that it is just our pain manifesting itself. Part of it is frustration, we are looking for answers and there are no good ones.

Well, I think saying just get over it is tantamount to saying to the BS - you are on your own in dealing with all of that.

Furthermore, the WS has some issues that need to be worked out. Saying let's move on does not address those issues (and I doubt if they have been resolved 8 months out).

womaninflux posted 11/21/2013 15:49 PM

RachelC - I totally know how you feel. This is where I am at. There are things I accept and have processed but there are things that I don't think I will ever truly get past.

What I meant by processing the anger is to let it out. For me this came in a few episodes of rage. It was then that we both saw what this has done to me. Obviously, I am not proud of losing control of my emotions and lashing out, but it was my way of "vomiting it up," as MC likes to say. For the most part, I have felt more at peace since this. I still have moments of anger but it is not as extreme anymore. I'm still not 100% certain about the future of my marriage but I am waiting out another 7 months or so to see were we are both at and where the marriage stands. We've come a long way in just the last couple of months so I do have some hope but I always feel like "things are going well, but when is the other shoe going to drop?" Truthfully, I don't think I can live my life like that.

Tearsoflove posted 11/22/2013 00:16 AM

I doubt if you were sexually abused or had childhood issues that your therapist would be telling you to "just put that to bed". Infidelity from the one person you should have been able to trust with your life is traumatic. And there are some things you just can't put to bed until you have resolved them or you spend a lifetime with them eating at you. A therapist, of all people, should know that. A therapist who doesn't should be looking for a new line of work. And you should be looking for a new therapist.