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Old suspicions confirmed

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KingPellinore posted 11/21/2013 12:15 PM

My wife and I went through a 4 month separation early in our marriage. We ended up back together and have been ever since. Next year will be our 10 year wedding anniversary.

Early in that separation, I noticed my wife's phone bill was higher than normal. I looked and there were a lot of texts to a particular number. I investigated and learned it was the number of a male co-worker of hers (hospital ER). I confronted her and she denied it was anything other than venting to a friend.

We eventually reconciled and I asked her if anything had happened between her and the other guy and she always denied it. I guess my gut always told me otherwise because I had trouble letting it go. I'd have good days and bad days. More good than bad, but on the rare bad days, I'd bring it up again.

Fast forward seven years and she confessed last night. Said it was the worst mistake she'd ever made. We're committed to moving on, but it's still fresh in my mind. I guess I just needed to vent a little.

Brandon808 posted 11/21/2013 12:26 PM

Look into IC. She confessed. She probably feels some relief but it has reopened everything for you. Other members on SI have found out years after the fact their WS strayed. The WS often minimizes it by saying it is in the past or some similar other excuse. It's all fresh again now.

Tred posted 11/21/2013 12:29 PM


There is a thread down in I Can Relate specifically for those who found out years later:

(just cut and paste the link it will take you to the beginning of the thread).

It may be seven years ago for your wife, but it is brand new trauma for you. Take care of yourself. Read the Healing Library - there is a lot of good information there. The link is in the box at the top left of the web page.

Sorry you are here mate.

KingPellinore posted 11/21/2013 12:37 PM

I wouldn't say it's exactly fresh. I'd suspected for a long time and believed my gut.

Really, I feel that her admitting it helps us move on finally getting past this.

SoVerySadNow posted 11/21/2013 12:39 PM

I am one who found out years later. WH had denied, gaslighted, and convinced me I was crazy.
He finally admitted it last year.
It may have been years ago (in my case I think there has been more betrayal since there but that's a different issue) but it is new to you. Like it just happened.

Looking back on things, I examined behaviors I thought were odd, and interactions that were unhealthy between WH and me. WH knew, I didn't. He reacted in his life and towards me in ways that were dismissive, blame shifting, aggressive so that I would not question him. All defensive behaviors. It colored my marriage and I wasn't aware why things were "off". I do now, and I am reviewing my life.

I'm writing this to you because many of us have (do feel) as you do and I want to say it's normal. It's a shock to you and something you now have to process. That will take time. Don't let anyone try to tell you it doesn't matter since it happened a long time ago or that you should just move on and forget it. Take your time to process and heal.

Reading the library here, and in the forums has helped me greatly.
Best of luck to you, and please know we are here.

Smokehouse posted 11/21/2013 12:56 PM

The best part of your post is that the guilt and remorse your wife felt is real. So real she told you and could have kept it a secret to her grave.

I agree with you that it will help you move on. All the years of wondering and now you have your answers. Let your wife help you get through this. She obviously loves you and you love her. Let this renew and strengthen an already solid marriage. Learn to forgive her.

Mine is fresh, but I kept on my WW for the info until I was mostly sure I got the gist of her A. It helped me so much just knowing, so I didn't have to keep wondering. It surprised and relieved my WW. I stood by her even though she did something so hurtful to me. The most hurt I've ever experienced. I'm now seeing my real wife emerge with a tremendous amount of guilt, remorse, and her own pain.

I think you have the right attitude and formula for moving on brother, go with it.

wifehad5 posted 11/21/2013 17:06 PM

Why did she admit what she had done?

Long Gone posted 11/21/2013 22:13 PM

Wifehad5 is unto something.

Keep digging.....

ZedLeppelin posted 11/21/2013 23:10 PM

The question is: if she had been honest with you in the beginning, would you have left her? If infidelity is a deal breaker for you, you should not feel guilty in deciding to leave her. The date you find out is irrelevant - cheating is cheating.

She lied to your face when you were reconciling and has essentially watched you for years agonizing over whether or not she cheated.

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