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WS is angry about the D, is this normal

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ExhaustedWhat2do posted 11/21/2013 12:28 PM

So I served my WW just over 3 weeks ago, and WW has been angry and constantly threatening to ruin me financially. After much reflection, IC, and journally, i couldn't get past the blatant lies, deception, and betrayal.

WW wants to constantly talk about our relationship and why things went bad, etc...
I don't understand this line of thinking, we are going through D, and i have told her that R is not something i'm interested in and that we need to work through the D. There are no children.

Everytime she wants to talk about the D, she inevitably goes to saying how i've caused her to do an affair, that i've been having affairs when i travelled for business (which is 100% false). I sleep with a clear mind every night because i know i was honest and faithful to our vows. I kindly, and calmly tell her that discussing our relationship is a wasted time, energy, and leads us down a rabbit hole. Only to have her get more angry and threatening.

Has anyone had this crazy actions by their WS, when 1) they stepped out, 2) BS initiated the D and wants to continue through with it.

What the heck is wrong with these WS?

Nature_Girl posted 11/21/2013 12:36 PM

It's much more simple than you think. Stop trying to work things out. No more talking. Wait until you have a lawyer or a mediator. Do you know what the 180 is? Do you know what NC is? Those are meant to help you create emotional & physical space so YOUR healing can begin. I urge you to implement them immediately.

And practice this in the mirror. It will feel good:

ExhaustedWhat2do posted 11/21/2013 12:55 PM

LOL NG! Yes i've been doing the 180 and we really don't speak at all. I make sure that i'm not in the house when she stays etc...

I just don't understand when i'm giving my WW apperehently what she wanted, yet she wants to be nasty to me. I guess you can't reason with unrational people.

Nature_Girl posted 11/21/2013 12:58 PM

You don't get to understand her anymore. So stop trying. Save your emotional energy for yourself. You're never going to understand her, just as I'll never understand my EX. I can't understand cheaters at all. I'm not wired that way. Trying to understand is just an exercise in futility. This is one of those things in life you just have to put down and walk away from.

StillLivin posted 11/21/2013 13:28 PM

She doesn't want the D. She wants to have her cake and eat it too! She wants lots of rancid icing as well. Matter of fact an extra scoop.
I'm willing to bet money she is honest to G passive aggressive.
My STBXH, while in Afghanistan, kept threatening he was leaving me and it was all my fault. He said he wanted a D. Yet he did absolutely nothing to start the ball on D. Well, it really wasn't that simple, we are in a covenant M so he can't D me...but that's a whole other story. The point is, he never went to an attorney, never looked up an attorney.
So, I took him seriously and saw an attorney and filed for LS papers for him to be served when he got back from Afghan.
He was a cruel, selfish POS ass all the way up til the day he came back.
The next morning, he kept saying crap to me about "holding him to me, not letting him go, how eventually, if I didn't let him go he was going to resent me." Yep, I nodded my head North and South and said, "uh huh" a few times just to let him know I was paying him attention.
He started packing, the whole time telling me over and over, "I'm leaving. I mean it, I'm really leaving you. Don't think I'm bluffing, I'm really leaving you." And so on and so forth.
He was about to walk out with his small gym bag full of stuff when I stalled him and gave him a few suitcases!
The process server came and served him.
He was furious for giving him what he asked for.
Don't believe what she is saying out of her mouth.
She wants you to be Mr. Dependable at home, taking care of her, meeting 90% of her needs. She wants to have her little harem though, too! Oh, and a little crying and begging on your part would be great for good measure!
She is a selfish POS boob.

Charity411 posted 11/21/2013 16:16 PM

She's having this reaction because she's no longer driving the bus and she doesn't like it much. My ex was exactly like that. As soon as I filed he went bonkers. As long as I was still wanting to save the marriage, he had control. He had all the choices and he still had all his stuff. Once I filed he now had just her and the uncertainty of what he'd be left with.

He wanted to dictate the terms of the divorce. He wanted no fault. He wanted me to continue to run our business by myself and sell it once it tripled in value and give him half the money. When he told me he wanted to marry her but have me as his mistress, I'm not proud of it but I cold cocked him and knocked him flat on his ass. OK. Maybe I'm a little proud.

Then I filed on the grounds of adultery and I named names, making her divorce all the more difficult. Too bad so sad.

Phoenix1 posted 11/21/2013 18:33 PM

When WSs lose control they tend to go off the deep end, as in bat shit crazy. Happens all the time around here. She has lost control and you have taken it. Expect more crazy. Simply stop engaging because it is pointless to do so. Walk away. Period.

My XPOS went nuts when he realized he lost control. He thought he could continue to rugsweep and I would continue to simply look the other way. We were actually talking civilly during S, even though I had told him several times I had packed all his stuff in a trailer on our property (he was out of state). Apparently he thought it was a bluff, until he found out it was not a bluff. His control of the situation was lost. He knew it and he went bonkers. Those are his true colors, and it is not pretty.

You are seeing your WW's true colors show. THAT is who she really is. Stick to your guns and 180 her! Don't try to figure out why she is doing it because you will never get an answer that makes any sense. Broken people are simply broken. Period.

STBXW posted 11/21/2013 18:35 PM

OMG Charity, my stbxh did the same thing! went back and forth then said he wanted to be with her in the open but me on the side in secret . WTF ARE THEY THINKING DO THEY EVEN HEAR THEMSELVES???

Freeme posted 11/22/2013 06:07 AM

What everyone else said plus some people just Love drama and feed off it.

ExhaustedWhat2do posted 11/22/2013 10:14 AM

All Thank you Thank you for the responses. I know this crap happens all the time. It is really helpful and reassuring when others let you know that they've experienced the same thing. Helps me to keep my resolve strong.

Yes, I do believe it is a control thing. She still even 30+ days into our D process and "cooling" off period says she wants to try to save the marriage b/c she loves me.

For me I will continue to see my IC, get stronger, and focus on making sure I know how to be happy with myself.

I guess I am seeing the true colors\character. As I refelct on the past, I see the signs that I just dismissed during the courting, dating, and engagement phase of our relationship. Kind of pissed at myself for not listening to my gut at the time.

I have been doing the 180. I do not contact her unless it is D business related. I do not enter the house when she is there, no phone calls, no IM's nothing. I'm sure that adds to her anger. I do feel better when I don't engage with her at all. I am at peace with the D decision. I feel very calm and peaceful when i think about the decision and the final dissolution.

ButterflyGirl posted 11/22/2013 10:28 AM


I practiced that in the mirror, Nature_Girl, and you're right! It does feel good!

end t/j

And yeah, my STBX went bonkers when he was served. WTF-ever, dude.

Glad you are feeling so good about the decision. I am too..

damncutekitty posted 11/22/2013 10:29 AM

Does she have a job, is she financially dependent on you?

ExhaustedWhat2do posted 11/22/2013 11:10 AM

Kitty, my WW is currently financially dependent on me. We had decided early in 2013 that if she wanted to take a break from working for 6-10 mos to work on herself that it was something we could financially do. Her family has had major health issues, which in my opinion, she was focusing on much more than our relationship. Always saying that I don't understand what she was going through b/c I haven't been through it with my family. Plus I was born with a "silver spoon" in my mouth. Which is farthest from the truth. We all grow up with a family and circumstances that are out of our control as children. It is a matter of how we take advantages of opportunities afford to us or make our own opportunities is what defines us in adulthood.

These issues have been on-going since we got married. Plus she wasn't happy in her job and where her career was at, and we were starting a remodel on some parts of our house and she was going to manage that as well.

I guess i didn't realize working on oneself was going to lead to an A. WW is looking actively seeking employment again. She has always worked while we've been together. Idle hands are the devil's tools i guess they say. I really believe if she had found something sooner she would have gone anyways. Now I'm just praying that she secures employment soon to minimize my financial impact.

Yeah she is definitely broken, and doesn't believe IC is or was a way to work on oneself. Has a messed up belief that we have all that we need within ourselves to handle life. Well when life throws crap your way, sometimes, we need professional help to guide us through challenging times and help us address the pain and deep rooted issues.

[This message edited by ExhaustedWhat2do at 11:15 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

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