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catlover50 posted 11/21/2013 13:26 PM

Hi all. I know that I tend to be pretty Pollyannaish, but real life is getting me a bit down right now.

My H, who has been amazing, is crazy busy right now. I mean, only surgeon, all the emergency call, writing talks for a conference in Tokyo next month (that I get to go to--yay!), having to prepare for and testify in a lawsuit brought against the surgeon who has left (doing that as we speak actually), recovering from pneumonia, and now to top if off my folks are here. (Just writing that made me feel sorry for him all over again!). In spite of that he has continued to show me love and appreciation, tries to write and prepare late at night so he can spend time with me, etc. However, obviously we don't have as much time together and he is distracted and exhausted.

And poor little me is feeling triggery.

I know intellectually how things are and hate to even add any other burdens onto him, but my mind is starting to wander again and I'm having a hard time righting myself as usual. I hate to be so needy and I continue to work, talk to my folks (who don't know) and plan for the holidays, walk my pets, exercise, see my friends, etc. But...I miss my H and I'm struggling just a little.

I asked him a question last night for the first time in months. It was almost an accident. He got a bit defensive, but then quickly calmed down and asked for a "mulligan" to answer when he wasn't so distracted and then he held me until I fell asleep.

For now I'm just moving forward and know that things will improve but just thought I'd shout out for a little support.

Thanks so much.

RipsInMyChest posted 11/21/2013 13:35 PM FWH is also busy in the OR this time of year. Everyone wants to get things done on this year's deductible. I won't see much of him until Jan. The anniversary date of his ONS was the 17th and you can see my d-day is coming up. Trigger city here for me. No advice, just wanted you to know you are not alone and I completely understand. ((((CL))))

catlover50 posted 11/21/2013 13:36 PM

Thanks Rips; and good luck to you!

bionicgal posted 11/21/2013 13:37 PM

OMG catlover, ya'll are hugely busy!
That is the kicker about healing from an affair -- life goes on. We just went through a period like that, and my H's job is unrelenting in general. So, I totally hear you. All the little safe zones we had built into our lives, and our little rituals, got upended a few weeks ago, and I felt adrift, sad, insecure and needy.

So, perhaps the most important thing is to tell yourself that you are not alone, and what you are feeling is 100% normal; it doesn't signify anything. Let your husband in on your feelings, and ask for his help in as much as he is able to give it. Sometimes it is impossible (like, when my H went to India on business, was crazy busy & working 2 jobs, and there was a huge time difference.) Ugh.

Probably during the affair, your H was distracted and distant like now (at least mine was) so that can be triggery as well. I am glad that you are asking him for help, maybe he can work a little extra "love" into the day that might make you feel more secure -- a text? An email? A post-it? If you can think of it, and make it a discrete task, most surgeon- and engineer-types like that.

Hugs to you -- this too, shall pass.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 1:39 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

catlover50 posted 11/21/2013 13:44 PM

Thanks bionicgal; it does help to know that I'm not alone. Your H's work travel must have been tough!

My H actually ran my bath Wednesday morning and joined me to "start my day right" (as he puts it). He makes sure to text first in the am with loving words, but the rest of the day has managed just a few lines. We did get our Sunday night bubble bath, etc in. He truly is doing all I could ask, but instead of hours cuddling together and relaxing and laughing, he squeezes it in between other demands.

I'm hoping our Tokyo trip will give us some much needed time together, but he is speaking.

Oh well. I'll survive. Thanks all, for your support!

steadfast1973 posted 11/21/2013 14:29 PM

WH took a week off work a week after dday. He just went back to work today, then has class immediately after (a trigger, since he was supposed to be in class when he was with the hooker). And I am practically crawling out of my skin.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/21/2013 15:22 PM

Cat lover- it is encouraging to hear you explain that you know why the time is lost. I'm sorry that its making you so sad, but your post shows that you are really staying strong.
Think on all of the good that you two have shared recently and know that even in this busy hectic time he is making time for the two of you. Life can so get in the way- but you will get through this. Hugs to you!
I hope your trip to Tokyo is amazing!

rachelc posted 11/21/2013 15:43 PM

steadfast - hugs to you!!
my husband went right back to work the next day. both times... I can't believe I let that happen.
We talked about it in MC - he didn't want to see my pain...
can you get a masssage or something like that?
don't mean to threadjack catlover - are you being kind to yourself? hugs to you as well!

sailorgirl posted 11/21/2013 16:08 PM


You do know that you don't always have to be strong and positive, right? Would you feel better if you had a good cry, or a good vent session with a friend?

Or sometimes it helps me to remember that life got me down sometimes pre-A, so it's a normal cycle. Now I know that when things get better again, it's going to be really, really good because the connection with my H is so much deeper.

Coincidentally, I asked my H an A question last night for the first time in a couple of months. A sex question. He started to answer, but I didn't understand, and we got into an area that where we've only scratched the surface before (dealing with the mentality of an abuse victim). As far as I can tell, he triggered and needed to take a break from the conversation. Plus, it was so late, and he is working very long hours right now. We had to table it and sleep.

Basically, I hear you and you're not alone.

steadfast1973 posted 11/21/2013 16:17 PM

Dday happened a little more than 12 hours after the "incident". He came home for lunch to tell me. Then went back to work. He was actually supposed to be out of town this week, with his friends... but that was a NO GO. He cancelled the trip before he told me, but decided to keep the vacation days, so we could be together.

I feel your pain, catlover50 (and I am also a cat lover... the spoiled silver tabby sitting between me and the keyboard can back me up ). My WH works overtime and has class 2 nights a week... It sucks being triggery when you have company... and they don't know. Only my sister and BIL know...

catlover50 posted 11/21/2013 17:37 PM

Thanks ladies for all the help!

And you're right, sailorgirl; I don't always have to be strong and positive. I sure wish I had some IRL SI types.

Thanks again all!

blakesteele posted 11/21/2013 18:07 PM


Sorry you are in a tough spot.....hang tougher!

Post often.....we all got your back.

God be with you.

UKlady posted 11/22/2013 03:28 AM

((catlover)) I think this from bionicgal resonates so much for me right now:

That is the kicker about healing from an affair life goes on.

And that is hard isn't it? I mean, damn hard, really difficult BUT, ironically at the same time, I guess makes us focus on things other than the A too. It is, however, more difficult when it's our WS's who are caught up in real life issues which may prevent them from feeling (at least to us) as close as they could/should be.

My H and I have 'other stuff' going on now - some of it exciting but some quite stressful. He was made redundant from a really well paid job on 1st October which has added to my fears about security in our future - I never used to worry about financial things pre A but since he ripped our lives apart I've had trouble thinking about a future which may not be 'safe'. Excitingly - he has an interview today!! and I'm hoping and praying that it will be the job for him, he has worked so hard for it.

It seems to me, catlover, that your H isn't completely unaware of you and the little touches - running your bath for instance, Sunday night bubble bath - are signs that he's still hanging in there for you.

I hope you are buoyed by the support from the wonderful people here on SI - your words have supported me in the past and I am sending you my 'virtual' hugs and strength right now!

catlover50 posted 11/22/2013 05:28 AM

Thank you blakesteele and UKlady!

UKlady--I hope the interview went well. And yes, I feel that my H is aware and doing his best. I'm also trying to support him as much as possible. The other night he got home late and I made him a grilled cheese and sat and talked to him. He said I was the most giving and supportive wife in the world.

I am so helped by all the support here. And today after various errands, etc, I hope to just read a fun book and relax.

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