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1bigidiot79 posted 11/21/2013 15:08 PM

We are four months out from my BW finding out that I have been viewing pornography off and on for the entire length of our relationship and me lying about it. Her reaction to this is that of me having an affair. I'm not here to debate that but I just needed you to know the situation.

Our marriage anniversary is next month and I'm not sure how to handle it. She is going about her life like I am her friend and we are living in the same house raising our son. We are both in IC but no MC as of yet. I am digging to find answers and working on myself and trying to prove my love for her everyday. So far she is very reluctant to move forward.

Do I buy her a gift, get her a card, write her a letter, I don't know? I'm not sure what to do because at the current time she views our past as void. BS's, I would like to hear from you to see what you would have wanted from your WS in this scenario. Thanks

letitout posted 11/21/2013 15:55 PM

My H viewed porn throughout our history of our relationship in secrete as well.

I don't need a gift or a card. I need him to acknowledge that it was wrong of him to do so and more importantly in my situation to recognize that it is degrading to me for a variety of reasons and respect my wishes for him to never to view it again. A heartfelt letter telling me this would be nice, but will probably never happen because he doesn't think of porn as doing anything wrong. But if he didn't then why hide it all our years?

I don't know your situation. Is your W ok with it as long as it's not secrete? Ask her what she wants.

FightingBack posted 11/21/2013 16:19 PM

big idiot,

hear what letitout says, but you can still buy a card, a gift AND write a letter.

Spoil her in any way you can. Do backflips if you have to.

Good luck

Bikingguy posted 11/21/2013 16:47 PM

Ask her. If she wants nothing as she might feel there is nothing to celebrate, buy a card anyway. Write a note with the card and file it somewhere. There may come a day (maybe) that she regrets not celebrating the day and you can give her the card when she is ready. Someone suggested this a while ago and I thougth it was a great idea, as I also wanted nothing on our Anniversary. However I also hate the idea of letting another year go by! Don't be surprised if she is not sure what she wants, or if it changes often. Just part of the rollercoaster.

mychild posted 11/24/2013 11:55 AM

BigIdiot:

What I would do IF porn had been the only issue!!!

If porn is the only issue - congrats for not taking it further. That is if you did nothing else.

See, porn is always degrading and humiliating to women. Period. NO further discussion. Your wife is probably thinking: he degrades women, he thinks of women as his personal sex objects, he objectifies women, he dehumanizes women (that is what porn sells), his sexual appetite is completely out of control (it gets worse the longer you use and you are a user), he cannot be a good father, a good man is definitely not a good husband. You are a liar and have led a secret life. Men think porn is no big deal. I'll switch places with you. You be a woman and live in a world where women are 2nd place and used as sex objects and are given no to little respect and are judged upon your looks from the time you are born until you are dead. A woman is valued by her looks and if men want to fuck her. I'll switch with you for one month and then we come back into our bodies and you will see how horrible it is for women so much of the time. And then we have to worry about being raped, if someone is going to break into our homes and not only steal, but rape or kills us and we cannot ever walk outside alone at night. NOT ever.

Yes - porn creates a lot of shit for women. It takes whatever false sense of safety we have away. And you, our husband, waynk off to it.

That is a lot of over come.

And I know you are like - but that's all shit and it's not like that and all the other defenses that some to mind. Well, it is all that and there is no defense.

HOWEVER to defend YOU - I will say, I'd love to tell your wife how fortunate she is that you only did porn. ONLY is used here because mine did everything else all the way up to a lot of prostitutes - not one, not two - dozens. I hate him like I"ve never hated anyone. But I am still here, with my baby, for now because I cannot leave yet - but I hate him.

I think you wife really should work on herself more but she is too hurt. She should be talking to you all the time about IT. You should be in counseling together. To me, this is very workable. My situation is not. I am very verbally abusive to my H. He wants to go to MC but I keep saying, why? There is no marriage to work on, you know?

But you do have one still.

I'm giving you hope, will all this, really, I am. You can come back from this.

I'd suggest spending A LOT of money on her for anniversary. It's better than not, ok? Money won't fix things, but being cheap will even make it worse.

HIre a maid or clean the house yourself spotless. If you have a yard, make it perfect. What's her favorite thing to do? HIre a maid for like a month - unless you have one. Really, a clean house does a lot. Do all the laundry. Do all the dishes - for a month - this is part of your gift to her and then from now on make sure you help out more.

Then, does she like jewelry? If not how about a gorgeous watch. She may or may not want to go to a restaurant. Make a reservation anyway. It's up to her if you go or not. Buy her some clothes - look in her closet or dirty laundry is best - to find out what her size is exactly. Do personal things, because she is your wife and you do personal things for your wife and no one else.

You have a lot to make up for. My husband cannot - I have no interest. But you can totally fix this is you are sorry, grateful to have her in your life, contribute, not just financially, and become a real husband completely truthful all times - the kind of husband she THOUGHT you were.

Good luck.