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How do I "talk" when he's being amazing?

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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/21/2013 15:44 PM

I know we need to talk more. Our explosion of truth over the past week sent me over the edge and I am emotionally doing better by physically feeling worse. Vomiting in the mornings, forcing myself to eat, so tired all the time.
We got through Half of his timeline and I had to stop. That was a week ago- he has been amazing. Above an beyond what I have expected and continues to surprise me everyday.
So I know I need to keep going- for me. I have to try to fil in the holes and get some answers.
But he is doing everything right- I don't want to put him through this again- I want to reward him for his "good behavior" so to speak- but ....
I told him we should talk tonight. My stomach is in knots. He is ready and willing and very supportive- but it makes it so much harder then to drop the bombs.
Just need some encouragement I think.
Thanks and sorry for the mass posting lately- it's been a rough week.

[This message edited by Wondertwin at 3:46 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

karmahappens posted 11/21/2013 15:47 PM

I don't want to our him through this again

You are not doing anything TO him. He has done this to himself.

It is important he owns this and helps you through the next phase. It's part of his healing, don't take it away from him.

Good luck tonight, deep breathing...

kra127 posted 11/21/2013 17:36 PM

Sorry posted on wrong board

[This message edited by kra127 at 5:38 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

blakesteele posted 11/21/2013 18:26 PM

It is odd, isn't it? How we assume it is US that are the "mood breakers"?

I struggle with this everyday. I have tried the direct rout of saying..."babe, I feel unsettled . Could you share more of your journey and growth with me please?". I say this when we are having "good days".

I refrain for days on end, praying she will share more with me.

In the mean time I try and discern if my issue with her lack of expressing to me is my own issue....co-dependent thing.

If it helps....at 15 months out I don't get rattled at this dynamic.

It does sadden me though. I see the phone records. I see the rapid fire, almost continuous texting that she engaged in while in her A, I imagine how full of desire she was towards him, I imagine the orgasms she felt with him......I digress.

I wonder if part of the reason this is pain for a fWS and trauma for a BS is because the "juices and energy" that were flowing during their A period "cushioned" them as they came out of the "surgery"....cuts were healing " gently". Meanwhile the BS went under the knife with no such anesthesia.

So they look back on the surgery with a very different feeling.

Think about people who had regular surgery....those whose surgery did NOT go well are much more apt to talk about it, revisit it than those whose went "painlessly. No surgery is truly painless, but if done properly the pain is stays in the normal range and does not cross over into the traumatic range. KWIM?

I don't know if this makes sense....feeling rather flat myself today. Selfishly I am trying to comfort others to avoid my own discomfort.

I will say a specific prayer for all on this thread now.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:55 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

looking forward posted 11/21/2013 18:35 PM

I don't want to put him through this again- I want to reward him for his "good behavior" so to speak

???? Really???!!!!????

If you don't keep talking this will be rugswept so easily!!!
Please, keep talking, discussing, dissecting.
You will never have closure and the tools to heal from his betrayal if you don't.
Your H is taking ownership if he is ready, willing and supportive. This will help him, too.
It took my H and me 22 years before the truth finally came out.

[This message edited by looking forward at 6:36 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

ILINIA posted 11/21/2013 18:44 PM

Honey, you do what YOU need to do. My guess part of why you think he's amazing is that he is answering your questions and being honest with you. He is finally doing something FOR YOU.

Hope the evening goes well!

Alex CR posted 11/21/2013 19:00 PM

It is hard to break the mood repairing your relationship to deal with the s&^t we need to deal with because they cheated.

My H and I set a time each week to discuss the A and for me to ask any questions I wanted. We usually went to a restaurant and designated the first 30 or 45 minutes for A talk...then we'd stop and have a nice dinner. H used to keep his eye on his watch.

We also agreed to not to talk about the A at home. We wanted our home to be a safe place for both of us, our sanctuary, so we left the house to discuss the A. Last I journaled all my questions and would ask H when we had our weekly meeting. Rather than blurting out my questions during the week (dropping bombs as H used to say) I would write them down and know H would answer each and every one. Sometimes some of the questions weren't as important when our meeting rolled around and I would just drop them.

I have a hard time with saying my H was amazing....he f&*cked up our marriage and my life big time......his immediate remorse and attempts to help me heal were not amazing, but what he needed to do if we were to stay married.

Someone here wrote about the gift we give our WS....and reconciliation is a huge gift. We agree to continue our lives and work to better our marriages despite their betrayal......in spite of the pain we live with every day. WS, IMO, should be more than amazing, they should be thankful that we as BS's have the strength, the character and the love to still share with them.

blakesteele posted 11/21/2013 19:18 PM

he is answering your questions and being honest with you. He is finally doing something FOR YOU.

Ilinia.....you may be onto something here.

In counseling my counselor focused much energy on this thought...."why was such lack of a relationship from your wife acceptable to blakesteele?". My answer was traced back to childhood abandonment fears. I was afraid to expect anything more from my wife.....for two main reasons.

First, I didn't want to burden her with my needs...it would speed up the inevitable.....my wife would leave me.

Second, if I DID express expectations my wife would not choose to try and meet those expectations.

Yeah...... I am not healthy. Yeah.....neither of those assumptions were correct, fair to me, or fair to my wife.

I am growing past this, just like you are growing through your "hang ups". But we had decades if "training" living another way.

This too will pass......


God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:20 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

Flourgirl posted 11/21/2013 19:28 PM

It's hard to deal with all this crap. A week and a half ago I asked my questions. I couldn't stop thinking. I had to hear the details. It sucked and I'm still not sure I have the whole truth. It was the first time my WH cried. The first time he dealt with what he was really doing to us. He didn't just lie and cheat on me our kids were also lied to. It was hard but they caused their own pain. We never got a choice.

blakesteele posted 11/21/2013 20:00 PM

He didn't just lie and cheat on me our kids were also lied to.

I agree with you flourgirl...unfortunately, even 15 months out my wife would most likely argue this point with me. I believe she would contend that what she did hurt and damaged me.....but merely put our girls and his 5 kids at risk, but no real damage was done.

Damage was done to our family even before our DD. Damage is being done to our family as my wife and I both struggle with anger, depression, and just generally being....lost.....some of the time.


I am having a down day.....wonder how real any of our progress really is....or if we are just going through motions hoping against hope that we are actually growing....I think we are, but I have been sooooo completely fooled in the past I have doubts.


This thread hits at one of the core struggles of post-adultery marriages.........fWS are doing what they should have been doing all along, and a BS being tempted to be soooooo grateful for this new found commitment......but then we have the, Oh-yeah-they-fucked-us-hard moment.....followed by the Oh-yeah-they-aren't-doing-that-anymore-so-I-am-now-the-problem dilemma kicks in......followed by the we-really-are-too-broken-to-learn-to-R thought.....

All the while we have to way all of our actions so intently, which differs from what our fWS did during their time in affair-land....which leads to resentment.....which makes RA something to be vigilant on warding off.


Damn rollercoaster.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:02 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

whattheh posted 11/21/2013 21:34 PM

My approach since dday is that I would leave nothing unsaid and share all my trauma with my fWH. In hindsight it really has helped him to be a part of my healing and take care of me. It has also improved our communication even though it was extremely painful for both us. We survived some very intense discussions and coming through that has made us both more confident that we want to be together. Having left nothing unsaid has released me to start moving forward. And I have repeated myself enough to feel sure that he has gotten what he did.

So even though it's hard you may find that it will help you both. It did in our case. I have talked until I no longer feel the need to. It is hard work.

We also read and reread parts of books such as after the affair and how can i forgive you. It helps remind us of what we need to do. My fWH is on his way to earning my forgiveness.

[This message edited by whattheh at 9:38 PM, November 21st (Thursday)]

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/22/2013 05:36 AM

Thank you so much everyone. Being on my phone instead of a keyboard it is hard to pull quotes- but you have all hit on things I have been thinking about.
Blakesteele- often I feel as if you read my posts and then take my thinking one step further - it helps me and I know that you are hurting too- so it is so appreciated.
Logically, I know all of what you are saying and I would offer the same advice. So why is it so hard to listen to myself during these times?
We talked - I tried not to, because I really didn't want to go there last night. Well- let me say- I talked. I went red. Don't remember half of what I said- but I just snapped. First I started scream- crying- you know the one.
I was yelling about how I just wanted to feel happy- I have forgotten what it is. When I say I'm "happy" now it just mean I am not as miserable as I was five minutes ago.
I believe I also use someone's analogy about being in a war an not even realizing it. They were in a battle and throwing bombs at me -together- with such hatred and I wasn't even aware. I told him how unfair it was- that they effed up and I was the one that took all the damage. I asked him how someone could do that to someone? Then it launched into an angry rage at her. Who is this person that hates me so much she woul destroy my entire soul? And she enjoyed it.
I'm sure I said more but I don't really remember.
And now I feel better.
Things calmed down and he did what he could to reassure and comfort me. I feel stable today- glad I got it out even though I had no idea it was in there.
I appreciate all of your advice and we will continue taking.
One thing I have to remember is that each time we talk- it does get better.
Thanks for being here friends.
I wish you all the best.

blakesteele posted 11/22/2013 05:46 AM

We talked - I tried not to, because I really didn't want to go there last night. Well- let me say- I talked. I went red. Don't remember half of what I said- but I just snapped. First I started scream- crying- you know the one.

I felt similarly last night. I successfully did NOT engage my wife verbally last night...I fell asleep holding my wife quietly.

NOTE: Dear God, put one hand on my shoulder and the other over my mouth.

That is an actual prayer I pray. I know it sounds funny, but I have to tap into God to refrain from saying things just to be saying them. I desire to connect with my wife.....but right now we are not at that point in time...I still feel very vulnerable and exposed.


I am torn on what the right thing to do is. If I could express myself without the strong emotion that derails me off the healthy path I want to be on I feel it could be more productive. But then I think my wife needs to see my full emotion and it could help intimacy. My wife processs things inwardly, I do it outwardly. I think last night I tried it her way. Feel okay this morning, but wonder if what I did was rug sweep yesterday and that is where my depression came from?

Paul prayed saying God I know what you desire of me and I desire it too....but I do the opposite anyway....please be with me. This is the only part I can relate to as I read about Paul....

As you can see I have no wisdom today for you. I am glad you find support in some of my posts to you. I think you did fine...I question if I stumbled or did fine too?

I totally relate to your battle field analogy....several authors support this analogy as well. Our very core is under attack....and that attack is coming from someone in the same fox hole with us. The attack is over, but the trauma remains....and it is trauma.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 5:51 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

LivinginLimbo posted 11/22/2013 06:17 AM

I would hold back questions for fear that my FWH would feel as if his efforts weren't ever going to make a difference. It's really only recently that I realized it festers within me and becomes a bigger issue.

Now that I am being more open about what's troubling me, I'm finding that my FWH is appreciative of being able to reassure me when I have these doubts.

LA44 posted 11/22/2013 07:43 AM

One thing I have to remember is that each time we talk- it does get better.

Yes!!!! Absolutely it does Wt.

Hope you have a good Friday.

blakesteele posted 11/22/2013 08:12 AM

.....perhaps I chose poorly last night by not engaging.

Good post....thanks.

bionicgal posted 11/22/2013 08:49 AM

This thread hits at one of the core struggles of post-adultery marriages.........fWS are doing what they should have been doing all along, and a BS being tempted to be soooooo grateful for this new found commitment......but then we have the, Oh-yeah-they-fucked-us-hard moment.....followed by the Oh-yeah-they-aren't-doing-that-anymore-so-I-am-now-the-problem dilemma

I could write a tome on this alone. Yes, and yes.

I wonder if part of the reason this is pain for a fWS and trauma for a BS is because the "juices and energy" that were flowing during their A period "cushioned" them as they came out of the "surgery"....cuts were healing " gently". Meanwhile the BS went under the knife with no such anesthesia.

For us, I think it is because for my H, the affair is 99% behind him in his mind. He is resolved, and committed again, and it is his nature to not look back. (Although, he is obviously having to look back to help me heal, and figure himself out. But, the emotional energy for it is gone for him. In fact, he really detests being taken "back there," although he does it so as to not rugsweep.) But, this is all happening to me now -- because I was in the dark then.

It does sadden me though. I see the phone records. I see the rapid fire, almost continuous texting that she engaged in while in her A, I imagine how full of desire she was towards him, ...I digress.

(((blakesteele)))

That is at the very tender heart of this, isn't it? I relate with your posts a lot because I am a 'thinker' too, for better or worse. But, these moments of almost primitive pain - where all the conceptualization and theorizing and speculation falls away, and I am just left with hurt. Primal hurt. . . and jealousy -- I think that is what it is. Seems to be such a mild word. Anyway, they are a bitch! I don't know whether to feel them and try to move past, try to figure out what is behind them, or just go get stiff drink. (Not really.)

Anyway, WT and Blakesteele, just know you are not alone.


[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:52 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

bionicgal posted 11/22/2013 08:49 AM

double post, sorry.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:53 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

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