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roarlouder posted 11/21/2013 19:07 PM

How do you get over the fear? My WH cheating is pretty extreme. He's in IC and we are in MC and making progress. We've had a few setbacks, things like him shutting down, etc. but he's really been making an effort. The cheating wasnt a one time blip for him, it's all he's ever known.

I see him hating who he is, embarrassed, disgusted and shameful... And afraid he won't be able to do different. But he's pushing ahead... I've pulled away recently and he's got so much more focused and stronger.

We haven't made any decisions, so I say until we are done we are working towards R. How do you get over the fear? They are such good liars and manipulators, how do you know when/if to put trust back in them?

It is hard to imagine I ever will. Last night I was sure we were done... I am trying so hard to see how getting passed this all is possible. How do you let the fear go, how do you know when it's time?

unfound posted 11/21/2013 19:14 PM

What are you afraid of?

You work on healing yourself, becoming strong, healthy and in a good place within yourself. You not only know, but believe that no matter what, you will be okay. When you do that, the fear fades.

How you get there is up to you and can come from many places. IC, self help, support from SI peeps or real life people...one some or all . There's no one answer or technique that will make it all alright. But I do promise you can get there.

It's hard . The unknown is scary. Hell, the known is pretty damned scary too.

karmahappens posted 11/21/2013 19:14 PM

I didn't have to deal with a spouse that "cheating is all he knew" so take my experience for what it's worth....

For me, I was able to not be so afraid when I was comfortable enough in my own skin to walk away.

I had my ducks ready. I wasn't standing at the door, but the unknown and the being alone wasn't a factor anymore.

I knew if he crossed my line in the sand I could leave comfortably knowing I had done all I could.

I was almost 40 at this point in my life, so I wasn't worried about time or kids, I was worried about me and my life going forward. If "time" is any kind of issue for you you may not have the same comfort I did....KWIM?

boontje posted 11/21/2013 19:20 PM

This is something I struggle with too, roarlouder. For me, it is a one day, one moment at a time process. I haven't been able to just let go of the fear all at once. We have had too many setbacks for that to ever happen. It is a process. One thing that has helped me is to remind myself that I can trust my gut to tell me if something is off, and that I will be ok if he should choose to cheat again. If he is truly remorseful, he will wait patiently while you heal and let go of some of the fear.

roarlouder posted 11/21/2013 19:24 PM

I am sad, but not afraid of walking away which I see as a powerful tool towards R. I am not angry. I hate what he did, but not him.

My fear is making a further investment in this person and it not ending well. There's no guarantees. It hasn't even been 3 months, I know it will be a long road to clarity and through R if we get there.

I have to say, I feel amazingly free and empowered accepting everything (although I have moments where I think it must be a joke because there is so, so much) and not being angry.

I think forgiveness, which I am striving for whether or not we R for my own sake, will be even more freeing.