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I'm surprisingly calm now

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loyalwoman posted 11/21/2013 22:14 PM

I had a huge meltdown over the weekend but since then I've been amazingly calm. I think some of it is the way WH responded to my freakout/meltdown. There was no ounce of defensiveness, no "you're crazy" or "you need to calm down" or anything of the sort. Instead he validated me, he said he understood that his actions had caused me to feel this intense pain and to struggle so much. He told me how terrible he feels about what he did, and about hurting me, and that he is beating himself up every single day because of it.

I believe him. I've seen it. And what's interesting is that now that I've been calm around him, he's reaching out a little. He's telling me I'm amazing and he doesn't deserve me to even be nice to him. He is in therapy and is working on why he did what he did and even more so, the underlying patterns (negative self-talk, beating himself up, etc). He isn't making promises, which I thought would be hard but I actually appreciate, because it's realistic. I'd much rather he be honest about needing to get in a better mental space instead of making empty promises. And now I'm just...calm. I'm sure there are many more tough moments ahead of me, but I'm enjoying this while it lasts.

AlexFL posted 11/21/2013 22:32 PM

Wow. Word for word I could have wrote that. Mine is saying the EXACT same things to me...EXACTLY.

loyalwoman posted 11/21/2013 22:39 PM

AlexFL, I think some of the things (I don't deserve you, you're too good for me, etc.) can be manipulation sometimes, but they are also hallmarks of someone with low self-esteem and really negative thought patterns and self-talk. I've been observing when he says this and how he appears to help me decide which category he falls into. If he said it to me frequently I'd be rather suspicious, but he appeared truly distraught. As well he should, because he messed up BIG TIME and has a lot of work to do before we could ever been true partners again.

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