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Newest Member: bob74 (46035)

User Topic: The little heartbreaks
Arais
♀ 33628
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS had to go to a business meeting which involved 4-5 hours driving and he asked me if I would go with him. I lied and said that I had an appointment and couldn't change it.

There was a time that this would have been a highlight for me. Alone in the car for hours with him, talking. Just talking about every day things, about the kids, about the future. We used to do that a lot. We used to lie in bed at night when the kids were asleep or go for a drive and plan our retirement - together. Dreaming of the future, just the two us. I loved being with him.

It is a just another little heartache in the series of bigger ones that I would rather do anything that be with him in a car for that amount of time. So sad. So very very sad.


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Oct 2011
pointofnoreturn
♀ 41034
Member # 41034
Default  Posted: 7:56 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you're hurt, but why lie? I assume you want your WS to be honest and transparent, right? You should do the same. You don't have to make it a big deal, just tell your WS that you just aren't ready to commit to such a thing yet. If they are trying everything to earn your trust, then they should understand.


Me- WGF 22
Him- BBF 21
Ddays:
August 2011
September 26th, 2013

"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."


Posts: 187 | Registered: Oct 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with point. Are you reconciling? Then honesty is a two way street.

I even almost have a hard time for BS's that aren't being honest just staying to get their ducks in a row before they can get out of the marriage. It is a necessary evil, especially with an unremorseful WS, but it makes me feel uncomfortable nonetheless.

I really dislike sharing some of my feelings with FWH because I know it will be a stab to his heart. It hurts him that he hurt me. However, that is one of the reasons we became disconnected in the first place. I would often time stuff my feelings, be very co-dependent, have excuses for his bad behaviour, etc. I don't share my feelings with FWH to hurt him, it hurts me to cause him pain. No, I share because to have an authentic marriage and to be authentic selves we must be honest with our feelings.

OTOH, I am so very sorry and it is very sad that this is how you are feeling about your WS now. Understandable and sad. ((((Arais))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10087 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Arais
♀ 33628
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not reconciling. In limbo. I lied so that I didn't hurt him. He is trying very hard to prove that he is a changed man but he is doing it his way and not a way that helps me. He refuses to talk about and to me about the A. This has led to my apathy about anything to do with our M. He wants to believe that he can make it better because he is better. That is not good enough for me so we remain in this limbo where I avoid hurting him but also avoid any hope of R or any rebuilding. You can't build on a cess pool. I allowed the rug sweeping before and ended up here. I have talked to him about this until I can't talk anymore. He still avoids all conflict and A discussion. My point was that I didn't want to go. The lie wasn't a betrayal of anything, just a result of 3 years of this limbo with no end in sight.


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Oct 2011
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Limbo should be called "hell" because I feel that is more what it must be like. (((Arais)))

It is really sad that so many WS not only inflicted the pain upon us but then they are going to tell us how we are going to heal. Because, you know, they are just experts on this shit. WTH!!!????!!!!!!

What is your plan then, Arais? Are you willing to live this way indefinitely?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10087 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
hopefullromantic
♀ 16652
Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand Arais. Not all of us have WSs who completely embrace their remorse and do whatever us BSs need/ask for. We don't know whether our spouses can't or just won't do what we need. And that makes us have to go thru a secondary grieving and decision process, realizing that to a certain degree we are on our own. It is sad, when you come to this realization. We have to decide what we truly can live with. In the meantime, we find we (whether intentionally or not) distance ourselves while we work this out, as we reevaluate our own expectations and values. Sometimes we can break thru and find a way to love and continue on with our former waywards anyway, but sometimes we realize it all really is a deal breaker.

((((Arais))))


It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1806 | Registered: Oct 2007
Arais
♀ 33628
Member # 33628
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, November 22nd (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SisterMilkshake: No I'm not. It's funny that on DD and for so long after it was impossible to imagine being able to sit and watch a TV show from beginning to end and remembering what it was about. Or going a full day without sobbing your heart out. But it happens. And I think that I have been in shock for a very long time. We had a psycho OW that stalked us and our kids for nearly two years. It was horrendous. Now I feel that I am starting to feel like I am alive again. But I don't recognize myself anymore. I don't feel the way I used to about anything. And the truth is I don't know what I am going to do. I can't see myself staying with him and I am methodically building my own life without him. But I am not happy, I don't feel joy. I am mourning him and our marriage the very same as if he had died. He is the breadwinner and will be for another couple of years. We will be connected through the kids. Maybe I am waiting for a reason to stay? For this ice to melt around my heart? I am really not sure. At the moment I don't believe I love him anymore but I am still not sure if that is because I won't allow myself to or if he has done so much damage that it all died.

It is just things like today that are like lead on my heart. Of all the people in the world he was the one I would chose to spend time with and it is devastating that I don't feel like that anymore.

I just read your story - we have similar situations. You are reconciling? How are you dealing with a LTA?


EA 18 years ago - found out and ?NC
LTA - 2005-2011 with same woman
DD 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Oct 2011
Topic Posts: 7

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