There was a time that this would have been a highlight for me. Alone in the car for hours with him, talking. Just talking about every day things, about the kids, about the future. We used to do that a lot. We used to lie in bed at night when the kids were asleep or go for a drive and plan our retirement - together. Dreaming of the future, just the two us. I loved being with him.
It is a just another little heartache in the series of bigger ones that I would rather do anything that be with him in a car for that amount of time. So sad. So very very sad.
"A lesson is learned. Life is. Simply. There is no Death. There is no Before. There is no After. All is in Flux. Simply."
I even almost have a hard time for BS's that aren't being honest just staying to get their ducks in a row before they can get out of the marriage. It is a necessary evil, especially with an unremorseful WS, but it makes me feel uncomfortable nonetheless.
I really dislike sharing some of my feelings with FWH because I know it will be a stab to his heart. It hurts him that he hurt me. However, that is one of the reasons we became disconnected in the first place. I would often time stuff my feelings, be very co-dependent, have excuses for his bad behaviour, etc. I don't share my feelings with FWH to hurt him, it hurts me to cause him pain. No, I share because to have an authentic marriage and to be authentic selves we must be honest with our feelings.
OTOH, I am so very sorry and it is very sad that this is how you are feeling about your WS now. Understandable and sad. ((((Arais))))
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
It is really sad that so many WS not only inflicted the pain upon us but then they are going to tell us how we are going to heal. Because, you know, they are just experts on this shit. WTH!!!????!!!!!!
What is your plan then, Arais? Are you willing to live this way indefinitely?
It is just things like today that are like lead on my heart. Of all the people in the world he was the one I would chose to spend time with and it is devastating that I don't feel like that anymore.
I just read your story - we have similar situations. You are reconciling? How are you dealing with a LTA?