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Is this a crazy idea ?

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LMomof2 posted 11/22/2013 09:54 AM

Prior to Dday, we had a family vacation planned - bought and paid for by WS to Hawaii. My girls still want to go, my WS still wants to go..with me. ????!!!! Yes, he would love to reconcile and has said so many times and has agreed to go for counseling but I haven't seen enough transparency yet. I have served him with divorce papers and he has also said (and his lawyer has told my lawyer) that if we need to go this route, then he will divorce through mediation as he doesn't want to pay the enormous lawyer's fees. His lawyer has stated that all his assets will be forthcoming and there is no need for me to pay for discovery. Anyway, back to my question...would it be lunacy to go forward with this trip? My gut says yes it is crazy, but on the other the very least, I would be in Hawaii with my daughters...and since this was his Christmas gift to us, (free trip for me) why not take advantage of it? Your thoughts please.

Shocked2believe posted 11/22/2013 11:12 AM

LMomof2. I would believe it all depends on how YOU feel. It's such a personal choice and all depends on your circumstances. If you can't stand being near the man perhaps it's better not to go but you could also have an incredible time (even if you choose to go off with your girls and do things independently on the holiday).

Perhaps it could even be the start of R also depending on your circumstance. Hope you are able to come to a decision and happy with it. ((((Hugs)))))

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/22/2013 11:13 AM

Ugh. No advice to offer; just chiming in that I'm in a similar situation. A month before DDay we excitedly purchased our airfare for a May '14 vacation to Hungary and Austria. In fact, WH insisted we jump on the airfare ASAP. One of the ways I used to talk myself out of my legitimate suspicions was telling myself, "How could he be cheating on me if he makes long term plans with me?"

When I was being TT'ed he convinced me that we had to immediately book and prepay our chosen hotel in Budapest since it's very popular. So we sat down and booked it with me thinking he'd been in an inappropriate texting relationship, and the very next morning: DDay.

He says he wants to R. I hate to say it, but one bit of power I had in forcing him to end it with OW was holding this trip hostage.

Now he wants to book the hotel for Vienna. This seems so far away, it's almost imaginary to me.

LMomof2 posted 11/22/2013 11:46 AM

ThreeYearFool I think both our WSs want to have their cake and eat it, too. They truly love US and want to be with us all the while having excitement on the side.(in my case, unemotional sex with a stranger) That's why they make the long term plans with wife and family. Still NOT ACCEPTABLE ! I think why I may want to go through with the trip is partly to get what I can out of him for what he did to me. IF I go..and it is a big IF, I plan on him footing the bill for everything while we are there. Does that make me a bad person?

Shocked2believe posted 11/22/2013 12:03 PM

No, you are certainly not a bad person. After what he's just put you through (and nothing ever will make up for it) I would do just that. Enjoy.

Skan posted 11/22/2013 12:54 PM

His lawyer has stated that all his assets will be forthcoming and there is no need for me to pay for discovery

Yeah, well unless you can know that for a fact, I would remember that HIS lawyer doesn't owe you the truth. I would speak to your own lawyer about that and about if, you don't do discovery, if there is wording that can be put in to penalize the WH if it turns out that he lied.

I'd go. Separate beds or him sleeping on the couch, but I would go and enjoy the time with the girls. Maybe split up days so one day he takes the girls sightseeing and you do your own thing and then vice versa.

I sorta had the same thing going here. Three days after I booked our tickets to go spend Thanksgiving with FWHs family on the east coast, DDay #3 happened and we went right into an in-house separation (no A, but lying and hiding things from me). I was then left with the decision of what to do about Thanksgiving.

I decided that I would go no matter if we were separated or not. I knew that there was a couch he could sleep on and if we were going to separate and divorce, I wanted a chance to say goodbye to relatives that I had had for 21+ years. And you better believe that when I told them goodbye, I was going to make sure that they knew exactly why I was leaving! But now that we're back together and working on making it again, that scenario is at least, gone.

StillLivin posted 11/22/2013 13:22 PM

I plan on him footing the bill for everything while we are there. Does that make me a bad person?

Nope not at all. But think hard before deciding to go for this reason alone.

HI is so beautiful. Will you be able to enjoy it going only for this purpose? Maybe you can get your own hotel room and take the girls on separate adventures.
There is a lot to do in HI. Enough for both parents to be able to have fun and still split the family up.

ButterflyJester posted 11/22/2013 13:33 PM

Add me to the list of folks in a similar situation...we have a Disney trip planned for April...what a decision to have to make.

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/22/2013 16:21 PM

Yup, I think my WH is a cake eater. He truly believed that he would just have his fun on the side and that as long as I didn't know it didn't hurt me.

It's so tough because travel was a shared hobby of ours. Even before I met him, I'd get the urge to travel somewhere every couple of months, even if it was just a weekend getaway. I would love to go to Vienna and Bratislava and Budapest.

But he traveled places with OW every freaking chance he got, which pisses me off. Not to mention that I trigger hard whenever he wants me to help plan for the May trip because it reminds me of planning for our last two overseas vacations while I had no idea he was unfaithful. All those emails back and forth crafting itineraries and making reservations, while all along he was texting and emailing her back and forth as well....

He's making the initial motions towards R so I have no idea how things are going to be 7 or so months out from now.

20Hopeful16 posted 11/23/2013 14:49 PM

Add me to the crazy list. We leave a week from today for a Disney trip that's been planned for months. I refuse to disappoint my kids right now.

LMomof2 posted 11/23/2013 14:57 PM

Thanks SO MUCH for your responses! Wow, how the WSs eff up everything. Hard to take a family vacation when things are so dysfunctional but even though my kids are older... actually more adults than kids... if I go, I will go for THEM. Hope if you all go on your vacations, that you make the most of it.

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/23/2013 23:49 PM

Make the most of it, LMomof2.

It's bizarre how WH actually shows kindness and remorse most when I'm willing to talk to him about future plans, like this trip. He withdraws whenever he thinks I'm through with him.

It's like he needs an anti-180. Attention junkie much?

vivere posted 11/24/2013 00:23 AM

LMomof2 - not a crazy idea.

We went to Europe 2 months post DDay. At the time we were mostly in the 'try to reconcile' camp.

In short, I am glad we went. Some things were difficult (tinged with sadness) for example, I could not stop myself from thinking how perfect everything would have been if we didn't now have the tainted history. Mostly though I was able to appreciate the change from the routine and I actually found myself enjoying some things very much.

Unless it would cause an increase in tension and therefore make the whole trip an unpleasant memory for you and your girls, I would go.

LivinginLimbo posted 11/24/2013 18:41 PM

It could be an opportunity for your WH to see his family in a different setting and get a better idea of what's at stake. Hopefully, it would lead to him understanding how important full transparency is if he truly wishes to reconcile.

We went ahead with a trip with a group of friends 3 months after D-Day. We had invited another couple to stay at our timeshare, and we had a party planned for everyone. It would have made a mess if we canceled.

I got through it and FWH was very attentive. I can't say it was easy, but it wasn't terrible either.

mesoSTUPID posted 11/24/2013 19:12 PM

Go and have fun... enjoy your daughters and YES even your husband and remind yourself that he is there with you and not with anyone else.

I wish my WH would have had unemotional, meaningless sex with a stranger instead of sex/falling in love with my longtime friend!

Vegas, Jamaica, Nantucket, Martha's Vineyard, Aruba, New Orleans and many other places all within a year and half.

He asks me frequently to please forgive him that his life is meaningless without me.

I don't know what our future brings but I can tell you that I love him the most when we travel.

Snowy posted 11/24/2013 19:24 PM


would it be lunacy to go forward with this trip?[/quote]

It is your choice. It may sound like lunacy, but I can understand why you would do it.

Just a thought to consider. In the future, will you look at this holiday as being the last time you where together as a family or the point you start to R?

I had a similar issue around Christmas where the chances were it was possibly the last time we spend Christmas together as a family.

If you decide to go, I would suggest you try to ensure your daughters remember it as a good time in their life's.

I plan on him footing the bill for everything while we are there. Does that make me a bad person?


You are not a bad person. Just some one who is putting up some defense

Dyinghere posted 11/24/2013 23:13 PM

Go. It might be the last all-together family vacation your kids have. Give them those memories.

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