SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

avicarswife posted 11/22/2013 10:54 AM

Despite the fact we are 18 months post d-day, his affairs and the effects are never far from my mind. I think over where we are and were in our marriage. Whether I can ever love him again, whether sex will ever have that intimate connection or will stay being just "great sex" etc.

If I ask questions about the PAs WH answers them. If I ask about his IC he will give me a brief overview. He isn't journalling much despite saying he would although he says he is reading books. He is hardly ever on SI - either reading or posting. I check his browser history. He sometimes reads another blog about affair recovery.

Unless I raise it, the affairs are never mentioned. I feel like things are pretty static - we are in monthly MC - but no forward progress. We are ok but the comfortable companionship I thought we had is gone. Silence feels awkward now.

Does anyone elses's WS ever raise the topic of their affairs and the flow on effect voluntarily? Or do most of you find their spouse only discusses the issues if you initiate a discussion on the topic? How often do you talk about the topic, the changes they/you are making and so forth?

[This message edited by avicarswife at 10:57 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

sisoon posted 11/22/2013 11:02 AM

My W hasn't done it in a looong time, but she used to come to me when she found something that was even remotely related to her A. Also, if I'm down because of A-related crap, she apologizes.

We still see MC every 2 weeks, so I get updates frequently. I also ask W if there's anything I should know after her IC sessions.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:13 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

lordhasaplan? posted 11/22/2013 11:05 AM

No, rarely anymore. But last night I sent her a thread and we discussed it. She was open, honest and willing to discuss and it had no effect on our day.

ohiocarrie535 posted 11/22/2013 11:06 AM

No, never! I think he would rather chew his leg off than talk about his A. But he does answer my questions. I don't get enough from him for sure.

lordhasaplan? posted 11/22/2013 11:18 AM

I will say this. My wife still appologizes regularly, on her own. It does let me know she is thinking about her actions and my pain. That goes a long way.

RipsInMyChest posted 11/22/2013 11:51 AM

FWH has never brought it up on his own and will only ask if I am OK if I am obviously struggling or sad. He relies on me to be vulnerable and tell him what I am feeling and what I need. He is usually very open to talking about it when I bring it up but there have been a few really bad nights where he will say something that makes me feel like he is tired of talking about it or that he is impatient with the repetition. I set him straight and he's doing better with validation.

We talk several times a week and most of the time it is just a quick question or thought I need to share and then we move on to "normal" topics. I told him that I need the freedom to talk whenever I want to without feeling like a Debbie Downer. I need him to embrace every discussion as an opportunity for him to help me heal, and to build trust and confidence in him. He's trying....conversation has never been his strong suit. I have to remind my self to be patient as I am asking a fish to fly.

[This message edited by RipsInMyChest at 11:52 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

DWBH posted 11/22/2013 12:25 PM

She will only bring it up if it's VERY obvious I'm triggering. Otherwise, I always initiate the conversation.

No12turn2 posted 11/22/2013 12:28 PM

WW will ask if I am OK but doesn't want to hear anything if I am not.

IDeserveMore posted 11/22/2013 12:36 PM

In the 11 years I was asking questions and trying to get answers, he never once brought it up and never brought up a regular relationship talk either.

It makes me crazy.

joeboo posted 11/22/2013 18:22 PM

Never. In fact she doesn't even talk about it when we have "discussions". She only answers questions.

MissesJai posted 11/22/2013 18:24 PM

Yep, I have - more than once. These days I'm usually the one who brings it up - it's rare, though.

strongerbytheday posted 11/22/2013 20:27 PM

Never. I wish he did because I feel like it is the elephant in the room sometimes. He will talk if I initiate it, but only then. Stinks. I wish it was open and freely discussed. I would feel more like we were connected regarding it, instead of it being "my story" and "his story."

WeHadItAll posted 11/22/2013 21:26 PM

Never. I wish he would, but I don't expect it. I know that there's no new info about the A that could help - it would only hurt me.

However, I do want him to initiate conversations about our R. He has never been good with talking about his feelings, fears, etc., but now more than ever I need to hear about them.

Our weekly MC sessions used to fulfill that need for regular, honest communication, but we haven't been able to go for a few month and we really feel the strain.

Dreamland posted 11/22/2013 22:08 PM

Absolutely never. I wish he avoids it like the plague.. I don't understand how are we suppose to feel that they are working on it if they avoid it. I am so fed up with it. I am detaching more more lately. Don't see much of a future and my work is suffering cus I can't focus.
So yes I wish he would.

painandgrief posted 11/22/2013 22:17 PM

Dreamland, same problem in our household. I don't begin to understand fixing something if you can't discuss it. Such nonsense.

EaglesWings posted 11/23/2013 18:02 PM

18 mos out, and not ONCE since D-day has he brought up the A. Now we have pretty well dealt with those issues, when asked he answered all my questions as best he could. FWH is emotionally "challenged". He certainly FEELS things, but really can't identify them, let alone discuss them clearly.

Now we have to focus on the M and he just shuts down whenever I need to connect. I think it brings back feelings of shame over the past, even though I try to reassure him that my goal is moving forward. I don't know how to get him to understand that I am not rehashing the A. However due to the A I have had to assess where I am and what I need. All he can hear is what he's not doing.

If he ever opened a dialogue on his own, I think I would faint dead away. Oh well, gotta keep trying. One small step at a time.

catlover50 posted 11/23/2013 18:39 PM

Never once.

But to be fair, he feels awful about it still. I think it is human nature not to want to talk about your despicable actions. And since I could not ask for a more changed, loving, open H, I really don't want him to wallow in his disgust in himself anymore than necessary.

If I need him to he will talk as long as necessary, but no, I doubt he will ever bring it up himself.

iwillNOT posted 11/23/2013 20:04 PM

Not in person.

But, he works 12 hour third shift 3-4 days a week, and always calls me after the kids are in bad. He always asks me if there is anything on my mind. That is exactly how he words it. If something is bothering me about the A then I will bring it up then. Somehow it is easier to talk on the phone than in person, I think.

avicarswife posted 11/23/2013 23:32 PM

Thanks - it is I reassuring to know that this is more the norm than not.

It does seem ironic as WH's link with the mOW was spending time listening to them about all their struggles in life and in turn telling about his problems. Even affairs aside he has never been much of a listener or sharer of this thoughts and feelings when it comes to me. Like pulling teeth trying to illicit information on where he is at.

[This message edited by avicarswife at 11:34 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

loveloss posted 11/24/2013 01:05 AM

Only in texts. She has a hard time doing more than answering questions or saying a simple "I'm sorry" in person. But she will bring it up in texts from time to time.

I'm the one who suggested it to her, because I know it's easier for her.

I'm happy to find out that the WS's aversion to the topic is, apparently, the norm... But a little disheartened to find out that time doesn't seem to change that very much.