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Finding the balance (t/j of "Does your WS bring it up")

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Darkness Falls posted 11/22/2013 12:42 PM

I was the WS and my XBS is the one who never brings it up, in fact never wants it brought up.

For example---if I were to send him a text, right now, apologizing for my adultery and reassuring him of my commitment to him and to "us"---he would be angry. He would be resentful that I am causing him to think of and remember something he prefers not to be reminded of.

Back when we did couples counseling when we first got back together, he stated to me and to the counselor that he has no more questions and nothing more to say regarding my affair. That, in his mind, it's done and over with.

I respect his wishes for the most part and I very rarely bring it up, even to apologize. I just wonder, can I believe that the door is closed? Is there ever a time that I will feel comfortable in not mentioning it?

BSs' opinions very welcome.

[This message edited by heartbroken0903 at 12:42 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

ILINIA posted 11/22/2013 15:27 PM

I'm kind of a newbie, so take heed with what I say!

Outside of talking about the A, does he bring up other topics? Do you feel like you are truly intimate with each other? Can you pretty much talk about everything else but the A?

If you are close, intimate and talking about your day, your friends, your families, your feelings, and other such stuff, then he might have closed the door on it and wants to focus on the future.

If you don't feel close, intimate, and don't share about your lives maybe he has closed the door on his feelings and thinks he is protecting himself from further pain. Maybe look at books and exercises how to build intimacy into your relationship. (Five love languages, Gottman, etc) Is in IC?

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