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ButterflyJester posted 11/22/2013 12:56 PM

This is like the gift that keeps on giving. My health has now been impacted by all this and not from my own doing... It just keeps getting worse and worse...when will the bombshells stop dropping??

Skan posted 11/22/2013 13:03 PM

Ah sweetie, I'm so sorry.

I recently went back and re-read my journal's first couple of months. The first two weeks after DDay, there was a new disclosure/shock Every Fricking Day. EVERY Fricking DAY! I would wake up in the morning, praying that I could get through the day without learning/realizing something new and shocking, and go to bed shaking, having thrown up everything in my system. I swear that I saw a toenail go sailing into the toilet a few times due to how violently sick I got. I have Fibromylogia. Two weeks in, I went into a flareup and had to go to bed for days. I totally get your horror and disbelief.

It Will Get Better. It really will. It will get really bad, but one day, you will find that the day isn't quite as bad as the previous one, and little by little, your days will get better. That damned roller coaster does have upswings as well, but I swear, at first, down is the only direction that the damned thing goes.

(((hugs))) Keep posting here. Keep talking to us. We're here to help you.

ButterflyJester posted 11/22/2013 13:10 PM

He made me sick. We can't know for sure it's from the PA, but I'll never know it wasn't, therefore it was. Does that make sense? I will have to go through treatments for probably a year and will lose another thing I like - trying craft beers. I'm not an alcoholic - I just try new ones. I'm talking like 1 a couple of times a week but from what I'm reading I can't risk that anymore...

HOW MUCH DO I HAVE TO LOSE? I just want to scream. I cry. He cries. Everybody cries. I asked the woman that drew my blood yesterday for additional tests how it is possible I want to die while at the same time I'm worried about how what he's done will kill me?? Thankfully since then I know HIV was negative but still...the rest is too much.

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