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help.....A gone underground?

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soconfusednow posted 11/22/2013 13:28 PM

I'm not finding any proof, have passwords, attitude seems different than before, but my gut feelings change day to day/hour to hour.

Would love to hear from BS & WS on how to determine if the A is really over or has it gone underground?

KatieG posted 11/22/2013 13:32 PM

BS here, I think its just the shattered trust and we're left thinking - who the hell knows what could happen.

I have to trust my gut and my gut tells me he is committed to R. BUT my head makes up all sorts of stuff and I have to talk myself back down.

Your gut is more reliable.

Rebreather posted 11/22/2013 13:36 PM

Is he:

a) doing what you need him to do?
b) defensive?
c) doing anything out of the norm - using a new bathroom in the house more frequently, taking longer to come into the house after he parks, etc
d) dragging his feet on commitments? Like, weekly IC or similar?
e) resistant to discussing the affair?
f) getting angry when you have questions?

All of the above can be signs.

I was as blindsided on my second dday as the first. The difference was my gut was SCREAMING at me but I just didn't know enough to know what it meant. But I would find myself standing quietly in my garage. For what, I did not know. Or I would look through random boxes, searching for something. Eventually one night I snuck up on him in the garage and saw him hiding his affair phone.

Can you sit quietly and listen to your gut? Drill down. What feels off? What feels different? See if you can pinpoint the feeling.

ineedtoleave posted 11/22/2013 13:38 PM

MY GUT WAS RIGHT. He had said the right things, but there were no feelings from him. I installed a key-logger and caught him -he was still in the A. Trust your gut.

rachelc posted 11/22/2013 13:39 PM

SCN: I hired a PI. He just wasn't "there."

tushnurse posted 11/22/2013 14:48 PM

It is hard to learn to trust yourself, and your feelings after Dday.

I can tell you that immediately after Dday, and he commited to R I was convinced we were going to heal, all would be right in the world again, and we would be happy. Of course about 72 hours later, he was acting angry and frustrated about silly things, seemed off. By 2 weeks he was angry anytime I would be upset, or ask questions. Yup broken NC at 72 hours or so.

Next go round same thing, took a bit longer, but felt something was off, pressed him, she contacted him, blah blah blah.

He did a burn phone, a made up email address, and of course secret meetings.

The keylogger is what ultimately saved our M. That was what finally gave me the proof, and the strength to say I was done. Luckily that was when he got his head out of his rear.

Trust your gut, don't trust him, snoop, check phones computers, tablets, all of it. when you repeatedly find nothing you will start to trust again. If he doesn't get that you need to do this, then he isn't remorseful or understand what he has done yet.

((((and strength))))

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