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Another DDay.

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NJdadof4 posted 11/22/2013 14:22 PM

Just found out this morning that my ww did not cut off contact after DDay number one on August 18. She got a prepaid cellphone, and reignited her affair with th OM. We've been in MC since August, and she has been lying to me and the MC at every meeting. Insisting that she hasn't seen or talked to the guy since DDay number 1. Well, she been sexting him several times daily, and met with him in the parking lot of a local bar Saturday night and have him a blowjob in his car. BTW, she's 43, the mother of two kids aged 8 an 5, and volunteers at our kid's catholic school. Two nights ago, she left a PTA meeting and met him for drinks. This morning, I found her other cell phone. All the text were there. I'm disgusted. I don't know what to do. She says she needs psychological help...uh, yeah. I've been on Zoloft since August, and in mc and ic. I Called her parents and told them. They are on their way here now to talk to us. I am so freaking sad, angry, humiliated, played, and numb.

Bikingguy posted 11/22/2013 14:41 PM

I am really sorry you are in this position.

Did you discuss what the concequencies would be if there was another d day?

I told WW, if she were to do that again I would out her to everyone and kick her ass out the door. Of course I thought I would have done with prior to d day #1, so it is hard to know how you would react. R is incredible hard with both parties working together, that I have often fantisized about WW cheating again just to make my decission easy.

Another d day after WS knows the absolute destruction an A can cause, is criminal in my mind. To see you at your absolute lowest point knowing WS was the cause and yet to continue that behaviour is hard to imagine. Sounds like she never got out of the fog and didn't obviously see how this impacted you, or she didn't care.

Try to stay stronge and post here often.

Brandon808 posted 11/22/2013 14:44 PM

So the question now is what are you going to do in response to this fresh betrayal? Are you willing to go the D route?

She cannot claim ignorance. She was fully aware of the pain it was causing, the jeopardy it was putting your M and family in.

I'm calling bs on the "I need psychological help" from her. You can't get help if you're not honest. She lied to the MC too. She could have gotten help before after the 1st dday. I think this is just her attempt to deflect and not take responsibility for her choices.

Hope2B posted 11/22/2013 14:58 PM

Time to do a hard 180 on her cheating lying ass! I am so sorry you are going through this!!!

The 180 can be found here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Seems like she is using the line of needing psychological help as an excuse while she tries to do damage control.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:00 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

NJdadof4 posted 11/22/2013 15:49 PM

Thanks for the responses. Much like last time, once the shock of getting caught wears off, she is now saying I'm the one to blame. For a whole bunch of reasons, I don't want a divorce. I think we can rebuild trust, if she can finally stop lying. I know that sounds naive but I truly believe we can work this out. I think this was being done because she paid a pretty hefty price for barely cheating last time...it was about to become an affair when I caught her...and she was taking the position that if she was going to be punished, she should at least enjoy the crime.

Rebreather posted 11/22/2013 16:16 PM

There is nothing wrong with still wanting to reconcile. But you see the key already is "if she stops lying." I would add "and cheating" to that list.

But, if you don't go hard now, it will likely never work. I know it seems counterintuitive. Waywards must have the cold harsh reality thrust upon them. Tell her you are seeing a lawyer. Tell her she has certain requirements she must meet in order to remain married to you. If you do not set firm boundaries, a line in the sand, she will NOT stop. She won't. I promise you.

She has a lot of work to do before you even know if YOU can recover from this betrayal. Do not enable her. You must take a hard line stance or she will suck your soul right out. Not even kidding.

Getting to Happy posted 11/22/2013 16:17 PM

She got a prepaid cellphone, and reignited her affair with th OM. We've been in MC since August, and she has been lying to me and the MC at every meeting. Insisting that she hasn't seen or talked to the guy since DDay number 1. Well, she been sexting him several times daily, and met with him in the parking lot of a local bar Saturday night and have him a blowjob in his car. BTW, she's 43, the mother of two kids aged 8 an 5, and volunteers at our kid's catholic school. Two nights ago, she left a PTA meeting and met him for drinks. This morning, I found her other cell phone. All the text were there. I'm disgusted. I don't know what to do. She says she needs psychological help...uh, yeah.

Respectfully and gently~
Why would you want to R with a selfish, lying, childish person who willfully is trying to destroy you and your family?

I think this was being done because she paid a pretty hefty price for barely cheating last time...it was about to become an affair when I caught her...and she was taking the position that if she was going to be punished, she should at least enjoy the crime.

May I ask, what was the 'hefty price'?

And just for the record...there is no such thing as "barely cheating". Any betrayal is hurtful and damaging to the BS and to the family unit as a whole. Very Damaging. It changes lives forever.

Stepping away from the marriage and sneaking into the gutter for some 'strange junk', needs to be dealt with as a two part deal.

1)the WS needs to care enough about the BS to help them in healing from this terrible breach of trust, help them to feel safe in the marriage.

2)the WS needs to dig deep to figure out why they decided to blow up the marriage and betray the BS. Do the heavy lifting with their own psyche. This is a path that they need to be willing to do on their own, for their own wellbeing. Whether they stay with the BS or not.

Strength and Clarity to you NJdadof4.


Jrazz posted 11/22/2013 16:21 PM

I'm so sorry, NJdadof4.

You did everything right. Don't ever blame yourself for trusting or trying. Take deep breaths, and do what you need to do for YOU and the kids now.

((( NJdadof4)))

NJdadof4 posted 11/22/2013 16:22 PM

By barely cheating, I mean that there was one text from her and a return from him. I'm confident that I caught them just as it was beginning. I know that phrase sounds silly, and either you're cheating or you're not. But I went ballistic over it, an I have no regrets or bad feelings having done so.

ascian posted 11/22/2013 16:23 PM

But, if you don't go hard now, it will likely never work. I know it seems counterintuitive. Waywards must have the cold harsh reality thrust upon them. Tell her you are seeing a lawyer. Tell her she has certain requirements she must meet in order to remain married to you. If you do not set firm boundaries, a line in the sand, she will NOT stop. She won't. I promise you.

To reframe this, it's like being a father: when your kids step out of bounds, you need to establish consequences. When my kids, for example, started whining about not getting a toy (or candy, or whatever) at the store, I'd ask them once to stop, and then we'd leave with or without what we came for. Consequences. They knew what was expected, they were warned when they started to transgress, and then they saw that the consequences weren't empty threats. I'm sure you've done similar things in your time as a dad.

So with your WW you need to...well, not treat her like a child, exactly, but certainly as someone who doesn't respect or understand limits and consequences. That's why we're suggesting you see a lawyer and make sure she knows, and all the rest.

(And this may not be needed in your case, but I've seen enough people start resisting this advice here lately that I wanted to chime in)

Getting to Happy posted 11/22/2013 16:27 PM

...But I went ballistic over it, an I have no regrets or bad feelings having done so.

No doubt you have no regrets. That kind of acting out needs some kind of dramatic response to get your point across. I agree...but...

Did you hit her?

MC_Jack posted 11/22/2013 16:50 PM

NJ,

sorry you're here. there is probably more to this whole thing. i don't see going from one single text before d-day 1 to full blown PA ... but only she knows.

i would suggest you look up username Bigger. he has firm and very easy to follow advice to help BHs remove themselves from infidelity.

I think this was being done because she paid a pretty hefty price for barely cheating last time...it was about to become an affair when I caught her...and she was taking the position that if she was going to be punished, she should at least enjoy the crime.
^^^ this is a bullshit rationalization through which you can blame yourself and rescue her.

I don't see your WW outright lying while in MC if there were not more to the story...again sorry o be a debbie downer - but you will not deal with this thing unless all of your blinders come off.

Jack

still2suspicious posted 11/22/2013 16:52 PM

Sorry NJdadof4. That is a BS's worst nightmare.

I would ask that you reread Rebreather's post.

She learned absolutely NOTHING after Dday. Oh wait, yes she did. How to take it underground!

Cheating is so devastating, but the LIES will kill you!!

180! 180! 180! Take care of yourself and your children. That's who is important right now, not her.

Sending strength.

eta: HATE wrong words!

[This message edited by still2suspicious at 4:54 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

Smokehouse posted 11/22/2013 17:23 PM

Very sorry NJD for the tragedy that has struck your family. My WW kept contact up for another month via 2nd phone. No physical that I know of, but a devastating discovery none the less.

I'm just not sure I could put up with a second affair with a different OM. Your wife's first affair was EA at the least. Don't downplay it, please! Why a second affair? Not because of you sir! You need a line she is not allowed to cross. The 180 is for you to distance yourself, not to be cruel, but to be able to be objective. Emotions will let you make the wrong decision every time. I did for two months after DDay.

She is not considering you at all. A BJ after DDay? I am so sorry. 180, lawyer, do the things you need for yourself and that's it. Please don't give in to her. Your sanity needs restored. I can just feel your pain in the words you have written.

You don't have to divorce, not what I'm saying, but you will know your options, be well informed and she will know you mean business. If the OM is married, out the shit out of the A to his SO.

Good luck my brother!

NJdadof4 posted 11/22/2013 17:25 PM

I have read the posts and am reflecting on all of them. I'm all f'ed up in my head and thoughts right now. The only answer I'm mentally able to answer right now is whether I hit her. I have never, nor will I ever, lay a finger on her.

NJdadof4 posted 11/22/2013 17:29 PM

I've already kicked the shit out of him.

Take2 posted 11/22/2013 17:40 PM

One text back and forth, they get caught, you go ballistic, and she risks everything and goes PA. I assume the beat down of OM came after Dday 2 but if not - then this story really doesn't add up. I'm thinking you don't have the real story here.

Getting to Happy posted 11/22/2013 17:51 PM

The only answer I'm mentally able to answer right now is whether I hit her. I have never, nor will I ever, lay a finger on her.

God bless you NJdado4.

But, if you don't go hard now, it will likely never work. I know it seems counterintuitive. Waywards must have the cold harsh reality thrust upon them. Tell her you are seeing a lawyer. Tell her she has certain requirements she must meet in order to remain married to you. If you do not set firm boundaries, a line in the sand, she will NOT stop. She won't. I promise you.

She has a lot of work to do before you even know if YOU can recover from this betrayal. Do not enable her. You must take a hard line stance or she will suck your soul right out. Not even kidding.

THIS^^^merits repeating.

Hang in there. Keep your eye on the prize, staying strong for your kiddos and yourself.

When your brain starts to get like this Post here. We are listening and we care.

Peace and clarity my friend.

dadof4 posted 11/22/2013 18:55 PM


Jeesh NJDadof4. As one Dad of 4 to another, I'm going to give you two bits of advise. The first will not meet the Reconciliation Industrial Complex requirements but, Oh Well.

1) Lawyer up. You have just lived the nightmare all of us dread. All of us have thought we are out of here if she does that again. It's a shit sandwich that will be with you the rest of your life.

2) Get thee to the Betrayed Menz thread on I can Relate. It is one of the most active forums on this site. Lots of good men there.

Remember this when she tries to blameshift (I call it blameshit) to you. You had a list of grievances just as long if not longer than hers yet you remained faithful and loyal to your WW and your kids. Your kids will always remember their dad being the rock in a crazytrain world. This is on her, not you.

Prayers to you man. See you on the Menz thread. The best club you will hate to be part of.

Thefly559 posted 11/22/2013 19:11 PM

sorry brother but I feel your pain and I probably cannot tell you anything you don't already know or heard but I will say my peace anyway. your wife was giving a blow job in a car to another guy. Im sorry mine did the same. maybe you need to read that again. just stand up and take a look in the mirror at the man you are. That worked for me. good luck and think of those lovely kids and the example you will teach them. I know its hard and I went and am still in that pain! I am sorry

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