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does anyone else wish the ws would just leave

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Ostrich80 posted 11/22/2013 18:19 PM

I just read Normalladys post and what stood out were, we are eventually going to have to make a choice and not making a choice is choosing.
I am horrible at decisions, I am always afraid of making the wrong one, so.I do nothing. I am very unhappy in my M. Some days, I feel like I can handle it temporarily but days like today, I'm pissed and feel like I'm becoming a bitter woman.
I just wish he would leave. Why do I have to do it. Hes not happy, his heart is with ow. Just makes me furious, he fucked up, why can't he be a man and own up and leave? Just being in the same room with him today is making my skin crawl. I am feeling hatred and.its eating me up. I thought I could fake it til I make it but at what cost. Yes I'm feeling sorry for myself. Guess I felt like having a little whine with my cheese.
I know what I need to do, I know it. Just wondering.if anyone else feels this way. I see so many afraid ws will leave and here I am wishing he would. Gloomy weather outside and perfect set for a pathetic little pity party. Just a vent I suppose and wondering if I'm the only one.

joeboo posted 11/22/2013 18:26 PM

Yes, quite frequently. Just posted in R forum that I am M for the convenience. I do think D would be very messy if I initiated, but if she were to run off, I envision a very sad sigh of relief.

I wish you peace as you work through this crazy emotion.

endlessabsurdity posted 11/22/2013 20:13 PM

I was sort of in your situation. False R for three months of her lying about still seeing the OM. 180 for 3 months of her almost openly seeing the OM. She was trying to hurt me over and over and over again until I would let her go. She actually asked me permission to leave. She wouldn't stand up for herself and just say that she chose the OM and wanted a divorce, she would dance around it with words about "figuring this out" and "being done with this" to indirectly allude to divorce. She was desperately trying to get me to take responsibility for breaking up our marriage. I refused.

I had a dilemma. I refused to play her game, but if a stayed in that situation, she would have continued enjoying the family and lifestyle I provided while continuing her affair. I could not tolerate that situation either. What I did near the end is continually amp up the pressure. I made it extremely difficult for her to continue the affair. I stayed home from work. I planned and participated in family activities. I conducted surveillance and knew when she was in contact with the OM. I made appointments with a marriage counselor. She became very belligerent.

I told her that all if it would stop if she left. I simply could not allow her affair to continue openly while she was in our family home, enjoying our family, and benefitting from the lifestyle I provided for her. She started talking like she was looking for a place, but I'm certain she would have stalled for a long time in order to stay in our home as long as possible. What she really wanted was for me to leave so that she could have her perfect life. Everything I provide but with OM instead of me.

Once I was worked up enough and angry enough to no longer tolerate her behavior any longer, I was just waiting for a precipitating factor to definitively ask her to leave. She stayed over at the OMs house one night. As she was heading back home, I asked her not to return. I told her that she could not stay here any longer if she was spending nights with him. She complied. She had no defense. She was probably deeply ashamed of herself.

She changed her mind several days later. Then she changed it back again several days after that. I made it clear to her that I needed to see long-term action before I could feel safe engaging in any relationship with her again. She had to permanently and verifiably end it with the OM, then we could talk. We moved steadily towards divorce at that point, though it feels like I've had to do the work to make that happen. I think she magically wanted her perfect life with the OM to just materialize for her.

To sum up, I basically made it impossible for her to do anything but make one of two choices. Stay and give me the marriage I deserve or leave. There was no in between. I know exactly what you're feeling. I remember very clearly being afraid WS would leave, and I remember clearly when I started to wish she would leave. Then I became afraid that she might change her mind and try to come back.

So, after that long rant (I'll have some of that wine and cheese myself), the advice I offer is to refuse to tolerate any less than you deserve. If he's going to stay, make him do the work. Set your boundaries. Guard them ruthlessly. Take care of yourself.

[This message edited by endlessabsurdity at 8:18 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]

stunnedin12 posted 11/22/2013 22:13 PM

Nope, you are not the only one. 7 months out from the last (3rd) break in NC and I have my days where I'm mightily glad he is gone for a few days a week with his job!

Dreamland posted 11/22/2013 22:33 PM

Oh wow this hits home.. He just got home and I have been triggering as Friday nights he would be working late .. With the whore.. So my insides start to curdle and my skin crawls. Sometimes I just can't stand the sight of him. But when he's gone I tend to remember the man I fell in love with so I miss him. But once he's in front of me I just want to hurl..
Does it ever get better or are we destined to be old bitter pain stricken hollow shells of who we were.

MammaMia posted 11/22/2013 22:43 PM

Yes, once in a while.

I have told him that life is too short for me to spend whatever I got left on this earth wondering where he's going, who he's emailing to, who he's flirting with, who he's sending gifts to , you got the picture.It would be easier if he left; I would not have to worry, I wouldn't know what he's doing.
Even though he's given me no reason to doubt him for a long time now, I do not trust him anymore.

Many times I find myself having more fun without him than with him. All this after the affair of course.

wiserinsocal posted 11/22/2013 22:44 PM

For me it's about getting to the finish line. I refuse to leave and not have my kids. They are close to going to college soon. After that I will be on my way since I don't have a happy M to be in. Right now it works for the family, but when it becomes just her and me things will change.

Williesmom posted 11/23/2013 12:26 PM

Yes. I was in that situation. We had a second house that we rented out, so I made him throw them out. He still wouldn't leave.

On weekend, he went away with MOW, and I moved all of his stuff to the other house. Done.

He tried very hard to come back, but I refused until he could show consistent remorse.

Obviously, we're still divorced.

MakingLemonade posted 11/23/2013 14:07 PM

why can't he be a man and own up and leave?

Because WSs are COWARDS. Cowards for not breaking the relationship before straying, while straying, and afterwards when they are not really committed. Cowards for not facing the evil or selfishness or addiction or whatever is the darkness that lies within them that allows them to betray someone they've committed their lives to. And some WSs can't stand the thought of being alone so they keep the BS as a back-up plan.

I wish my now XWS had been an honorable person on the first round of DDay's six years earlier and not faked R until he got busted again this year. But honor is not a character trait he possesses. Thankfully I became healthier and stronger in the first round by facing my own brokenness in relationships while he became more proficient at being deceitful. Wasn't falling for his fake R this time around so I had to pull the trigger myself.

Ostrich80 posted 11/23/2013 15:10 PM

I really think I should just address the big spotted neon pink elephant in the room. Just clear the air, I know what your doing, but because its not feasible to D right now (we have one more birdie in the nest, who will be done with HS next year and the house we are renting will go on the market around the same time.) so I guess its just more convenient and less messy for that to be the time. I don't like him or ow thinking they are pulling one over on me, I know, I just am done trying.
I do have one obsession left and that's viewing his web history. I need to stop because I've already been watching for 2 yrs, the communication with ow. I would be happier though if he just left and I could prob adjust just fine. Since there are so many changes coming in the future with having to move, I guess I've made that my projected time to end it.

Ostrich80 posted 11/23/2013 15:16 PM

some WSs can't stand the thought of being alone so they keep the BS as a back-up plan.

I really think this is it. He hates to be alone. When I've taken the kids on trips, he seriously hates it. I told ow on DD to come pick him up and I quote " I will never live with another man" is what she said. She went thru a bad D and M. She may have been blowing smoke, who knows but I have a feeling she's also waiting for her kids to move on. Our kids know each other and they are prob afraid of mixing them up. My ws knows my kids can't stand hers or ow.

storm77 posted 11/23/2013 22:00 PM

Yes, I want him to leave. Packed him a bag last night and told his best friend to come pick him up. He didn't leave but he sure as hell had a better attitude.

WIgirl posted 11/25/2013 04:58 AM

We just talked in counseling about this. Our counselor told my WH, you're not being fair to your wife (me). You keep hanging on to both women, because you can't decide...but what you're really doing is forcing your wife to make the decision...deciding what she can/cannot tolerate.

Silly me thought this sunk in, among other things during that session. But I found texts after that and a horrible journal entry...and yesterday I ordered him to leave. I have no idea what will happen now.

Endlessabsurdity - thank you for your post. I saved it to reread when I need to.

There was an instance for us back in July where WH "made the decision" to be with his AP. There was some relief in that, because I finally felt like I knew where I stood, even though I was completely devastated. But, his conviction didn't last long and we've been down the fucking flip flop road way more than I can count now. It was time for me to do something.

PurpleRose posted 11/25/2013 09:13 AM

I didn't wait around wishing. When it became clear that the Doosh was content eating cake, lying to me, and wasn't going to put in the hard work to fix what he had broken I told him enough

After he came home from our first separation, 8 weeks of MC, a pretty good summer of family time, couple time, a vacation, etc. I realized it was all a song and dance. I was the one doing all the work, and making all the sacrifices.

I actually said "what are you doing to reconnect with your wife?"

He said "nothing"

So I said "Time to make your exit plan. Now. I am done. Figure out where you are going and get there because this is no longer working for me."

That was that. I ended up having to force him out for the second time, but out he was. For good that time.

Sometimes you have to stop wishing and hoping for things to change, and make the change happen yourself.

TheThreeYearFool posted 11/25/2013 09:59 AM

After finding a batch of texts from the first year of the A, I wish he had left back then. Then I would have had the last two years to start over.

Now he says he wants to be with me. I'm just not sure I can handle knowing what I know now.

Sometimes I think he wants to R because he's afraid to break up with anybody and afraid of being alone. I don't think he knows how to be alone. Before the A he even said that he's been the kind of guy who won't break up with a woman; he'll just act more and more intolerable until she dumps him.

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