I wish you peace as you work through this crazy emotion.
I had a dilemma. I refused to play her game, but if a stayed in that situation, she would have continued enjoying the family and lifestyle I provided while continuing her affair. I could not tolerate that situation either. What I did near the end is continually amp up the pressure. I made it extremely difficult for her to continue the affair. I stayed home from work. I planned and participated in family activities. I conducted surveillance and knew when she was in contact with the OM. I made appointments with a marriage counselor. She became very belligerent.
I told her that all if it would stop if she left. I simply could not allow her affair to continue openly while she was in our family home, enjoying our family, and benefitting from the lifestyle I provided for her. She started talking like she was looking for a place, but I'm certain she would have stalled for a long time in order to stay in our home as long as possible. What she really wanted was for me to leave so that she could have her perfect life. Everything I provide but with OM instead of me.
Once I was worked up enough and angry enough to no longer tolerate her behavior any longer, I was just waiting for a precipitating factor to definitively ask her to leave. She stayed over at the OMs house one night. As she was heading back home, I asked her not to return. I told her that she could not stay here any longer if she was spending nights with him. She complied. She had no defense. She was probably deeply ashamed of herself.
She changed her mind several days later. Then she changed it back again several days after that. I made it clear to her that I needed to see long-term action before I could feel safe engaging in any relationship with her again. She had to permanently and verifiably end it with the OM, then we could talk. We moved steadily towards divorce at that point, though it feels like I've had to do the work to make that happen. I think she magically wanted her perfect life with the OM to just materialize for her.
To sum up, I basically made it impossible for her to do anything but make one of two choices. Stay and give me the marriage I deserve or leave. There was no in between. I know exactly what you're feeling. I remember very clearly being afraid WS would leave, and I remember clearly when I started to wish she would leave. Then I became afraid that she might change her mind and try to come back.
So, after that long rant (I'll have some of that wine and cheese myself), the advice I offer is to refuse to tolerate any less than you deserve. If he's going to stay, make him do the work. Set your boundaries. Guard them ruthlessly. Take care of yourself.
[This message edited by endlessabsurdity at 8:18 PM, November 22nd (Friday)]
I have told him that life is too short for me to spend whatever I got left on this earth wondering where he's going, who he's emailing to, who he's flirting with, who he's sending gifts to , you got the picture.It would be easier if he left; I would not have to worry, I wouldn't know what he's doing.
Even though he's given me no reason to doubt him for a long time now, I do not trust him anymore.
Many times I find myself having more fun without him than with him. All this after the affair of course.
"The Main things are the plain things, and the Plain things are the main things" - Alistair Begg
Every one needs to believe in something, or they will fall for anything...
On weekend, he went away with MOW, and I moved all of his stuff to the other house. Done.
He tried very hard to come back, but I refused until he could show consistent remorse.
Obviously, we're still divorced.
why can't he be a man and own up and leave?
I wish my now XWS had been an honorable person on the first round of DDay's six years earlier and not faked R until he got busted again this year. But honor is not a character trait he possesses. Thankfully I became healthier and stronger in the first round by facing my own brokenness in relationships while he became more proficient at being deceitful. Wasn't falling for his fake R this time around so I had to pull the trigger myself.
some WSs can't stand the thought of being alone so they keep the BS as a back-up plan.
I really think this is it. He hates to be alone. When I've taken the kids on trips, he seriously hates it. I told ow on DD to come pick him up and I quote " I will never live with another man" is what she said. She went thru a bad D and M. She may have been blowing smoke, who knows but I have a feeling she's also waiting for her kids to move on. Our kids know each other and they are prob afraid of mixing them up. My ws knows my kids can't stand hers or ow.
Silly me thought this sunk in, among other things during that session. But I found texts after that and a horrible journal entry...and yesterday I ordered him to leave. I have no idea what will happen now.
Endlessabsurdity - thank you for your post. I saved it to reread when I need to.
There was an instance for us back in July where WH "made the decision" to be with his AP. There was some relief in that, because I finally felt like I knew where I stood, even though I was completely devastated. But, his conviction didn't last long and we've been down the fucking flip flop road way more than I can count now. It was time for me to do something.
After he came home from our first separation, 8 weeks of MC, a pretty good summer of family time, couple time, a vacation, etc. I realized it was all a song and dance. I was the one doing all the work, and making all the sacrifices.
I actually said "what are you doing to reconnect with your wife?"
He said "nothing"
So I said "Time to make your exit plan. Now. I am done. Figure out where you are going and get there because this is no longer working for me."
That was that. I ended up having to force him out for the second time, but out he was. For good that time.
Sometimes you have to stop wishing and hoping for things to change, and make the change happen yourself.
Now he says he wants to be with me. I'm just not sure I can handle knowing what I know now.
Sometimes I think he wants to R because he's afraid to break up with anybody and afraid of being alone. I don't think he knows how to be alone. Before the A he even said that he's been the kind of guy who won't break up with a woman; he'll just act more and more intolerable until she dumps him.