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Numb, Suicidal, and just scared

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teeghan posted 11/22/2013 23:03 PM

Some of you know my story of my ex beating me in front of my kids and then filing for custody to get kids away from me stating all kinds of lies.

Well today I found out things I was NOT prepared for.

His old job that he was fired from, called me and asked that I meet them for lunch as they needed to share some things with me.

I learned that he has been with transvestites for over 3 years now and even HAD pictures of himself and two others in a threesome on his work computer.

He did several searches on "how to poison someone where it would be undetected and had no taste in food or drinks.

I am numb. I scared. I am sitting here wondering do I have aids? Do I have a STD? What all has this man really done? I do not care to know anymore. I truly today thought about taking my life - I wont lie. But my kids entered my mind and I just can not do it.

I am in a battered women's shelter and my case worker will not be here until Monday. So this is my ONLY outlet of having someone to talk to. I am so scared. I am so afraid to go get a test. What if this man has given me something?

His boss is given me his ENTIRE file of evidence on Monday INCLUDING the pictures, copies of his craigslist ads, emails, the searches for the killing of someone etc so that I can take it to the prosecutor in my battery case.

I have cried so much. I just can not believe this man has done all this to me and still continues to make my life a living hell. I am just so lost for words at how evil he is.

I just need someone to tell me I can make it through this. Because I will be honest, I am afraid I do not have much more strength in me to fight. I am trying so hard for me and my kids, but each day it gets so hard especially after this information.

I feel like I am going to have a nervous breakdown .... :( :( :(

needrespect posted 11/22/2013 23:07 PM

You have been heard and you ARE a tough woman. You can do this. For yourself and your littles. Stay strong you have 40000 friends in your corner.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 11/22/2013 23:16 PM

(((((((((teeghan))))))))) Wow. That's really horrible!! I'm sorry you had to learn those things, but I hope they empower you.

As far as being suicidal goes, look, HE is NOT worth it!! It's not your fault that he treated you this way. You ARE worth more!! You deserve a life better than the one you had with him. Your kids NEED someone stable in their lives. I know you're distraught about these new revelations, but he's just not worth it.

Go ahead and get tested for STDs ASAP, so you can hopefully rule that out and eliminate that stress. Be sure to ask for Herpes testing, as it usually isn't included in the standard STD testing.

You WILL make it through this. I'm so glad the former boss came to you with this info and is willing to provide you with copies. The man was looking to kill you- and you're about to hold that proof in your hands. He's pure evil. I hope that you are granted sole custody with no visitation and a perm. PO.

You've GOT to hang in there!! It really does get better!


Skan posted 11/22/2013 23:18 PM

Girl, you need to get MAD about this! I'm so freaking angry for you that I could just explode!

You need to fight for those precious children of yours. If you are gone, what's going to happen to them? Do you really want HIM to be the primary parental focus in their lives? You know that he doesn't have their best or worse interests in his heart. You need to be here to make sure that those babies are taken care of.

You know that this expose from his former job has told me? That there are people there who care for you ... far more than he does. They took the time to seek you out and give you vital information. That's big. As soon as your case worker gets in on Monday, you definitely need to get this info to them. And focus upon getting you and your children away from this monster as quickly as possible legally.

And, for the sake of your children, you need to get those answers from the doctor concerning STD/HIV. Ignorance is not your friend. Get the truth so you know what you need to do to take care of yourself and those children.

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS! YOU ARE GOING TO COME OUT OF THIS STRONGER AND HEALTHY! You will be OK at the end. You are strong, beautiful from the inside out, and an awesome mother to your children. You have just been given one hell of a gift from his ex-employer. Use it wisely and well.

(((hugs))) We're here for you.

Jpapageorge posted 11/22/2013 23:24 PM

You are going to make it through this. You had the strength to get help, you had the strength to leave the abuse, you have the strength to get through tonight.

Does the shelter have counselors you can talk to tonight?

Make it through tonight for you and your kids. Just breathe and raise the strength to make it through tonight. Let your worries about what will happen tomorrow wait, you can't control the future you need to keep going tonight.

Keep posting, we are here for you.


myowndystopia posted 11/22/2013 23:31 PM

What about a crisis hotline you could call?

Jeaniegirl posted 11/22/2013 23:49 PM

Do you have any relatives or close friends nearby? I am hurting for you and so sad you and your family are going through this, right at a holiday.

Stay strong! Get tested, get tough! You are going to make it!

Gr8Lady posted 11/22/2013 23:57 PM

You have every right to be scared. You have documentation to get the ball rolling so you will feel physically safe there in the shelter.
I hear how overwhelming this new factual info is to absorb, and process. So please vent to us all you need.
There is certainly a crisis hotline, that you can call for additional emotional help. Find that number and program it in your phone. Be smart, prepared and safe.
You can get through this. You can, absolutely do this.

JanetS posted 11/23/2013 00:08 AM

Teeghan: If his supervised visitations continue to create additional problems for the children, so if a different type of "supervision" can be made.

I'm in Canada, so don't know if this would work...but in some visitations the parent needing supervision takes them to a daycare centre (used on weekends for this purpose). A supervisor is there within earship. My friends husband was tell the kids untrue crap about their mom. The kids (4 boys) were very upset, and wanting to stand up for, and protect their mom. Not something kids of such a young age should worry about. He was told a few times to "stop it", and eventually he was not allowed to see them anymore....they fought Mom taking them to the center...esp. the oldest one who had been kicked in the gut that put him in the hospital. This was the night they were taken from their home with only whatever they could shove into suitcases while social services were there to help them out.

I am reading your posts and your situation is extreme, but I think you are the very best place you can be in, at the moment in time. You and the children are there, are safe, are getting help. Grasp every last bit of help they offer, it's truly a gift.

When you are ready to leave you'll be in a much better place than had you left on your own.

My thoughts are with you. I'd offer you a real life real-long warm hug for you and your kids.

I'm in Canada, but if you are in upstate New York, when you move into your new home let me know...I have a little 4x8 trailer, and I can a lot of stuff to you....just to help you in your start up.

Others can help you more with insight into the social programs that you can utilize.

I also think it was the very right thing that his work called you with all of that very scary information. Get those tests under your belt hopefully you can put it behind you. But if you've been impacted you need to get onto the meds asap. People live with HIV for a long long time...but walways the better.

Give your kids a hug from me. You don't have to say anything....just "you have no idea how many people care about you"...and it's true.

I'm sending you the best I can.

Janet S

Dare2Trust posted 11/23/2013 00:29 AM


I know a battered women's shelther is not ideal...but you are safe there. It's good your WH's workplace contacted you, and that they are being supportive.

We are all here to support you; and we care.
I hope your childen are safe, too.

Sending your prayers and hugs.

Crushed1 posted 11/23/2013 00:29 AM

(((Teeghan))) I know you are scared and in a frightening situation. I am glad you're in a protective shelter for now, your WH is violent and unstable. Are your children with you? He is not worth another second of YOUR precious life. Keep thinking of your children, they need you.

YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS!!! You will look back in months or years and see that you had strength all along, even though right now you feel your strength has failed you. It is just the situation causing you to feel this. Your strength is within you.

Good thoughts and strength going out to you.

teeghan posted 11/23/2013 01:24 AM


My counselor came in tonight at the ahelter to talk to me.

Monday I will go with her for testing. You are all right, I am ANGRY and I WILL right for me and my kids. You are right sucide is not the answer no matter the outcome of testing.

I do have custody of kids with a perm RO in place. His parents "supervise" his visiation but all they do is hound kids. The shelter and I filed contempt Charges two days ago AND now the shelter will be asking for NO contact with kids PERM.

I am still crying, still worried and still scared but I will fight like hell for my two kids. Thank you for any thoughts and hugs and prayers. I need them so bad. I feel defeated today.

I am grateful his boss at least told me and is giving me evidence. I want this bastard in jail. He is some kind of evil.

I am going to try to sleep but I am not sure I will succeed.

With tears I say thank you for your support. Ps.....I will let you know outcome of test next week.

[This message edited by teeghan at 1:53 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

Tearsoflove posted 11/23/2013 01:29 AM

I think you need to have testing. I understand why you are scared. My husband gave me HPV from his first affair and I know it could have been so much worse. But, even with incurable diseases, there are treatments that can help you live a normal life. But you won't know until you get tested and if you do have something (we'll hope you don't), the longer it goes undetected, the more damaging it can be.

I'm very sorry for all you've gone through but at least your husband had an awesome boss who was willing to help you. I think your husband is going to be in for quite a shock. Make sure you keep copies of any evidence you provide in your battery case. You might need it in your divorce case as well.

Hope2B posted 11/23/2013 02:04 AM

(((((teeghan))))) I am aghast at the details of your post here! I want to put on my bitch boots and find him and smack him good! More than once!!!! I am so sorry; it sounds like he is evil personified.

I'm glad to read you're on the right track, keeping yourself and your children safe. No matter the outcome of testing, you will be able to do this!

Because his behavior includes the idea of and research for murdering you, I hope you never have to see him again, and pray he and his parents do NOT have any kind of contact with you and your children, no matter the circumstances, no matter who is "supervising."

Stay strong.

woundedby2 posted 11/23/2013 02:41 AM

I'm so glad to hear that your counselor came in to talk to you tonight. It helps to have someone sit with you and formulate some steps and a plan.

I really admire your strength, teeghan. Hang in there.

NoAnswers37 posted 11/23/2013 03:49 AM


I just wanted to say we are here for you and listening. Another poster said you have 40000 friends in your corner and they are absolutely right- you are never alone, we are here for you.

The fact that his work supplied you with the info show that there are good people in the world all looking out for each other. You are a good person and we are all on your side.

Will be thinking of you on Monday- when that is done just think you will not need to be worried about getting tested again, so that is one hurdle overcome.

Sending a million hugs. You can and will get through this!

[This message edited by NoAnswers37 at 10:43 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

Compartmented posted 11/23/2013 09:17 AM


I'm glad you posted again. I was just about to PM you to let you know I am thinking about you.

I think that HPV testing is not always routine either, so you might want to go ahead and add that to the STD tests. I'm hoping you are not infected with anything but it's best to know so you can watch things and take action when needed.

I know how scary and hurtful this is. I went through a very dark time myself. I'm on the other side of it and let me tell you, I'm happier than I ever thought possible! Things get so much better! The further out I am from my abuser, the more I see was wrong with our relationship.

Stay safe, hug those babies and you'll be in my prayers!

Butterfly24 posted 11/23/2013 10:11 AM

I am so sad for you. The others are right, you need to fight for you and your kids. Suicide is not the answer.

My kids are in their 20's and their dad committed suicide when they were very young. It has impacted their lives in a great way. This is something kids never get over, even as they get older. They have all kinds of scars, emotional and even physical. They either close themselves off and try to make themselves believe it doesn't matter(my dd) or they try to make sense of it all, try to figure out why and go about trying to destroy themselves(my ds). I just wanted to share this with you in hopes you will not think this is a way out and encourage you to fight.

I have also been a victim of domestic violence. My ex tried to kill me. Take the searches your wh did seriously. Keep yourself and your kids safe. I pray you get it where he can't see the kids at all. They don't need to be around him as he is so very disturbed.

Feel free to pm me if you want to talk. Hugs.

teeghan posted 11/23/2013 10:27 AM

I am still hanging in and trying to process it all. I have another counseling session set up this afternoon with my case worker here at the center.

I have a hard time expressing my feelings so this is hard for me to explain how I feel other than just VERY depressed. I did realize sucide was not the answer and that I love my kids way to much for that. It is just sometimes you get in such a dark place, your mind goes there for a split second you know?

I go Monday for testing. I am getting tested for Aids, STDS, HPV, and Herpes........ Lord please pray I have NOTHING. I do not know how to handle it if I do.

Dawn58 posted 11/23/2013 10:32 AM

(((hugs))) to you teeghan.

Oh, my heart goes out to you.

First off, you are stronger than you know. Trust that. There is a core of inner strength that will carry you through. You are a Mom, and you have that tigress inside you. You have taken actions to ensure your safety and your children's safety. You are talking to a counselor. You are pursuing the battery charges. You are awesome!!! Look at all the steps you have taken!! Don't let the bastard get you down. He is absolutely not worth it. You are a beautiful, loving, strong woman (who deserves so much more).

I had thoughts of suicide as well, the pain was so intense and I felt so devastated. But all I had to do, was take a breath, then take the next, then the next. I could do that. I thought of the love I have for my son. That kept me going during those dark times.

Post here often, read the healing library, if you haven't already. And breath!

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