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sri624 posted 11/23/2013 00:23 AM

this is another challenge for me. with the holidays coming up...how do i get past the fact that all of his relatives knew he was cheating on me. i mean, i was never close with them...and they never liked me...but i did try so hard to be nice to them, extend olive branches over the years....and it never worked....they really are toxic.

but, the reality is that at some point i have to be around these people again. not this year, but in the future.

i have this feeling of humilation...even more betrayal...that the whole time i was trying to be nice with them, or get them to like me....my husband was cheating....and they all knew it. i think about all the times i would go over there...and they all knew.

a few of them even had conversations with the ow. it is so hurtful.

do you just pretend like it never happend with them? dont say anything? just go over there and act happy?

i tell you this...cheating destroys families on so many levels.

sudra posted 11/23/2013 03:22 AM

My husband's brother knew about the affair and became great buddies with his AP. They called each other on the phone, facebook friends, etc. AP's best friend even became friends with H and BIL. BIL no longer called our house and talked to me.

Once the A ended and we began R, my husband tried to talk to BIL about how hurtful that was to me. BIL "didn't do anything wrong" according to BIL. Hard as it was, my BIL wasn't invited to our house that year for the holidays. I spoke to his wife honestly and told her I still cared about her but I just couldn't have him there yet. I left it open for the future. Fortunately, she was fully supportive - it turns out BIL had cheated on her several times.

I didn't insist that H end his relationship with his brother but I did say I couldn't have a relationship with him again yet. H was totally supportive of this and continued to talk to his brother about how bad he felt about hurting me, etc.

Sounds like your case is even worse. We didn't have any other family so it wasn't like we had several people involved in the deception.

Talk to your H. Is he supportive of you in this thing with the family? There's no reason this has to be black and white - meaning "happy family holidays" versus no contact at all ever.

We skipped the holiday but H continued contact with his brother, although it was less just because H felt like his brother didn't fully support our R.

I left open the possibility that we could spend time together in the future. If the whole family is really that toxic, you may not be able to do this.

Unfortunately, his brother had a massive stroke and died before the next Thanksgiving so we will never know how it would have turned out.

I know how hard this is. We really agonized over it that year. Good luck.

LadyLove posted 11/23/2013 15:47 PM

Cut them off. They are not friends of the marriage, they condoned his A. They are toxic. It's not possible to pretend it never happened since everybody knows it did.. Do you really want to live that way?

My MIL who lives an hour away, allowed my WH to carry on his A with MOW at her home. She welcomed MOW with hugs and kisses. I thought he was just cooling off there.. She encouraged my WH to leave me, bought him clothes so he didn't have to come home for clean ones, invited WH & MOW to family functions together with her etc. His relatives were all okay with it, BIL, cousins, aunts etc.. some are even FB friends with her now, including BIL. We were never close to his family so I was unaware of these functions. His mother obviously never liked me in the 15 years we were married.. tough way for me to find that out.

A couple months before I found out, MIL hung up on me when I called her home to speak to my WH, I haven't spoken to her since. MIL never accepted any responsibility for her part in WH's A, never reached out to me, never apologized, nada.

Ultimately, it was his mother or me.. He chose me.. he hasn't seen her in almost a year and a half. He speaks to her once every few months. She has been invited here for holidays (I would leave), she's declined. Her home is a deal-breaker for me. If he goes back there, he can stay there.

My WH has willingly put me and our marriage ahead of his toxic family, especially MIL. It has to be this way for our recovery. She's still his mother, but she is no longer a part of our lives. Nor are the rest of his family members that were condoning his A.

When speaking to my WH, MIL wants to pretend it never happened and act like she had no part in it, but there's no way in hell I or my WH will ever let her invalidate my feelings of betrayal by going along with her charade of denial.

[This message edited by LadyLove at 3:52 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

Newme123 posted 11/23/2013 18:36 PM

To all of you, I am so sorry that they all knew and even condoned your ws's behavior. My mil did not know at all about my wh's behavior but when he told her, she sent me a long string of texts telling me I was an evil , destructive, person. I was clearly not a Christian and that affairs don't occur in a vacuum and said " what kind of wife and partner were you to cause him to NEED the arms of another woman". Mind you my wh didn't have affairs but a series of ons with women he didn't know the name of. My wh chose me over his mother and has not spoken to her since she sent me those texts. She still even almost a year out will try contact every few months. She refuses to acknowledge that she did anything wrong and insist she doesn't know why he has chosen to cut her out of his life.it sucks though, that the situation is what it is.

Hearthache again posted 11/23/2013 21:56 PM

I feel for you. Being years out I still have trouble dealing with the in-laws because of this. My SIL and MIL actively helped in the first A. OW was over to their house more than I was at this time. We never got along so I honestly think they were trying to get my H and I to break up.

I just let it go. They are not worth my time to be angry anymore. They have to live with themselves ultimately. How horrible of a life do you have to have to mess with other peoples lives.

If you are not ready to be around them then don't. I didn't for a couple of years. The first 2 years after dday my in-laws came over at Christmas time just to drop off and watch the kids open presents. I stayed in my room. They didn't even stay an hour.

Good luck.

Lyonesse posted 11/23/2013 22:03 PM

My in-laws aided and abetted, too. There was always something a little off about them, but the more I learn about WH's FOO issues, the less I have any desire to have anything to do with them. If they had apologized to me, I would have tried; but they didn't, they are not friends of the marriage, and so we have cut contact.

RidingHealingRd posted 11/24/2013 02:10 AM

but, the reality is that at some point i have to be around these people again

No you don't ~ You know that they are toxic, just eliminate them from your life. It's really that simple.

sudra posted 11/24/2013 09:30 AM

No you don't ~ You know that they are toxic, just eliminate them from your life. It's really that simple.

I agree.

I'm not sure this came across in my earlier post but what I was trying to say is that you can totally cut them out of your life. Or you can put off that decision and temporarily cut them out of your life. It's kind of like after Dday when we tell folks not to make a decision whether to R for 6-12 months. Sit back and see what happens.

Certainly this year you do not have to see them over the holidays, and you do not owe them any explanation as to why you are choosing to do something else.

[This message edited by sudra at 9:44 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]

sri624 posted 11/24/2013 09:43 AM

but what if my h wants to continue to have a relationship with his family? he is not close to them, but he does care about them.

sudra posted 11/24/2013 09:54 AM

but what if my h wants to continue to have a relationship with his family? he is not close to them, but he does care about them.

That's why this is so hard - it's not just one friend that you can easily cut out of your life.

What are his thoughts on caring for his family versus caring for you?

Can you cut them out of YOUR life and him still have minimal contact without you? Would that work logistically? And would that work for you? Or do you need for him to cut them out also?

You and he need to have a sit down talk about this, tell him how you feel, and try to come up with some solution.

With my husband's brother, even though BIL supported the affair (big time), he was my husband's only family. There was no one else except me and the kids. So I wanted him to keep that relationship, and H tried to convince BIL that the arrair was wrong.

From that perspective, I was able to live with their continued relationship. Had BIL not died, I don't know what would have happened. We didn't have a long term plan. I suspect we would have eventually cut him out of our lives completely. I say this because, after he died, his wife discovered he had an apartment with his current AP. He had NEVER told my husband that HE cheated and H didn't know he was in an affair. We found all of this out from his wife after his death. Clearly though, my husband was never going to get through to him.

And maybe that should be part of the discussion between you and your H. Is there any chance that any of these folks would come around? Does he have to cut them all out or just some of them?

I'm just kind of thinking as I go and rambling a bit. I just know that my husband and I talked about it a lot because it was a huge issue for us to deal with in the first year after Dday.

Good luck.

sri624 posted 11/24/2013 10:22 AM

i guess for now, i dont have a problem with my h maintaing a relationship with his family. i just dont want to be a part of it. minimal at best. it is too painful right now. and they are just triggers and reminders of what happend. we are definitely not spending the holidays with them this year...we are at home...my mom is coming over, but that is it.

i brought my feelings up in mc last week...and it didnt go well. we are now in a fight and have not really talked to each other in almost a week.

we are definitely back in a bad place. his family has always been a big issue in our m...and it is being addressed once and for all.

and it is a painful process.

mychild posted 11/24/2013 12:52 PM

Dear sri:

It's bad enough we marry a cheater and then we realize we knew he had a POS family also. We thought, hey, but my guy isn't like them. They are the freaks. They are the losers. They are the addicts. They are the cheaters. They are the bad people. They they they They

And then the they turns out to be the man we married.

I always hated my husband's family. Why? Because they are all thoughtless, jealous, small minded, ignorant, hateful, bigoted, biased, junkies, addicts, uneducated, stupid, moronic, gossipers and MEAN. And hey, I decided to stay with my husband anyway - after I met them and saw it immediately with them... Do I have a kick me sign on the back of my butt??

But then D-Day. D-Day happened when the whole family was here visiting. Of course it would and of course it did. Because I have a kick me sign on the back of my butt.

But I am done with his family. I should have cut and run as soon as I met them, but I was broken too, obviously - thinking he was not them. Blood of my blood - why was I blind?

So no, you do not have to have anything to do with the family. And if he doesn't really like them either, then he doesn't have to have anything to do with the family. That is what is so nice now - we all have cell phones. And the mail - it's so great - you can send gifts to and from and no body has to meet.

Would you knowingly drink poison? Well, they are poison to your soul. They are poison to your health and your marriage. Yes, when you marry someone you do marry their family. But when you divorce you also divorce their family. So really - they're pretty temporary people when you think of it. They are not your blood and you don't even have to have anything to do with your blood either.

Be a good Mommy to your baby. And fuck your husband and fuck his family. My husband chose me over his family years ago (oh lucky lucky me - do I have a kick me sign on my ass?). Your husband can do the same thing. If he gets that toxicity out of his life (except for cards or presents or calls) he may just find himself a happier guy with a happy wife and a happy baby. After all, wasn't his FOO that led him to such destruction in his life? Of course it is - he just has to accept he comes from trash and pick himself up and begin anew = with you.

[This message edited by mychild at 12:55 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

LadyLove posted 11/24/2013 13:13 PM

mychild - I need a clapping smiley! Well said!

sri624 posted 11/29/2013 12:47 PM

thank you all for the replies. i agree with everything you all had to say.

blakesteele posted 11/29/2013 22:27 PM

Good topic. My wifes sister knew about this...did not advise her to tell me about it. Instead, she advised my wife to just stop seeing the AP and concentrate on the marriage. This advice was not the first time her sister advised her to keep me in the dark, to NOT express her feelings, needs, desires. FOO affects all....doesn't it.

I am sorry for this....I have no wisdom.

I know my wifes sister advised as she does NOT out of meanness....it is honestly how they were programmed to operate in relationships.

The big question is.....can my wife override this secretive habit and commit to our M in a healthy way. I wonder just how healthy her sisters marriage is....but since I cant figure out the one I am in....that rabbit will have to run on its own.

I am hopeful your husbands family do not do what they do out of meanness....I hope they thought it was best for your marriage. Yes, I know it is not healthy....but when your point of reference is so skewed I think it almost impossible to recognize the nature that it truly is. I say this because of my own FOO issues.....I was blind to the unhealthy influence it had and has on me.

i tell you this...cheating destroys families on so many levels.

Yes....and my wife initially thought she was not hurting her family. yes, she thought the POTENTIAL was there, but the only real harm she was doing was to her relationship with ME....our daughters were some how NOT being affected.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:38 AM, November 30th (Saturday)]