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Omg WS f***ed someone else!

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UKlady posted 11/23/2013 16:24 PM

Is it ever possible to erase this from your mind??

Just struggling with this during any time - good times, bad times, indifferent??

LiedtoLucy posted 11/23/2013 16:37 PM

I wish that there was. There are times when it isn't right there in my immediate thoughts. Other times I get so freaking mad just sitting here thinking about how many times he f***ed her.

It really sucks UKLady. I feel the same.

[This message edited by LiedtoLucy at 4:37 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

trying1 posted 11/23/2013 16:44 PM

I've known for four months now. It still hits me like a ton of bricks. It sucks. Recently I've notice, it has gotten a little harder to deal with. I know that is not inspiring information, but the upside is that he has finally stopped running for the hills when I have a melt down. Now he at least stays in the conversation, tries to be patient (which works about 50% of the time). Hang in there.

sailorgirl posted 11/23/2013 16:48 PM

I don't know if this will help you but I think about how H f*cked quite a few somebody elses before he met me. One of them was even his ex-wife. Those women and all that sex don't affect me at all. I am indifferent, and I know it's better with me.

With a little mental effort, I can dump OW in with them. So, I practice doing that. For example, we're talking about medical school-hey, H had that girlfriend Gertrude. They had sex and I don't care. I'm going to get there when I think of OW, too, dammit. The actual sex part is going to fade from my memory and is a bad memory for him anyway, and someday it'll seem as far away as Gertrude.

But our sex life is here, now, and we ought to make the freshest possible memory tonight!

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 4:49 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

Skan posted 11/23/2013 18:46 PM

My mind has actually stopped going there. I'm not a fly on the wall any more. I rarely think about it. When I do, I feel a vague sadness, but I don't dwell on it. Heck, I don't even use it as an argument ender any more! However, when he was caught in porn lies to me over a year out from DDay, my mind immediately went back there, but the mind movies went away faster.

(((hugs))) Time can dull the edges, if your WH does the work necessary for R and if you can do the work necessary to un-stick yourself. It does take time though, that dirty little 4-letter word.

jjsr posted 11/23/2013 19:21 PM

I hate to say it but time does take the edge off if they are doing the work. I still think about it every day that he had a ONS and an EA but I don't rage about it.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/23/2013 20:10 PM

It is so shocking isn't it? Still sometimes even 3 1/2 years past d-day, it still can hit me like a ton of bricks. However, those times are so much fewer and more spread apart. Maybe I am a slow processor, or maybe I am average, not sure.

I don't feel it will ever be "erased" but I can envision a time when it doesn't shock me and even not hurt anymore.

bionicgal posted 11/23/2013 20:25 PM

Nice to read this today. I am only 5 months out, and it is almost worse when I forget about it for a while (An hour? A couple hours?) and then it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Sometimes the pain is dull, sometimes sharp, and occasionally -- just occasionally - I get an indifferent feeling. Like, "that was then," feeling.


Lovedyoumore posted 11/24/2013 00:27 AM

Still waiting. No, not gone yet. It has even nearly 3 years and I still cannot believe it some days.

UKlady posted 11/24/2013 04:47 AM

Sigh... it's so frickin hard isn't it?

I knew I wouldn't be alone and really needed some SI hugs on this - so thank you all who responded and hugs back to all of you feeling like this too.

My H is doing everything, has done all he can and still keeps trying to help me/us heal - in this I am 'lucky'....

It was such a simple thing triggered this question last night - sitting on the sofa and H tells me about how he's hurt his thumb, giving me details and my instinct was to kiss it better (yeah, a bit silly and probably tmi ) BUT instead my mind suddenly went to how he had used his thumb (probably as it's part of his hand!) on OW and nope the intense sadness, sharp pain hit again. It didn't last but I just felt so bleuuurgh

And I forgive those of you using that dreaded 4 letter word beginning with 't' but I guess you will all be right.

Thank you for the support x

bionicgal posted 11/24/2013 07:41 AM

I had to laugh at your example UKlady, as it shows how far our brains go to stretch to make something about the A. I mean that in the most loving sense, as we all do it.

For example, I went to a god-awful movie about talking turkeys with two, wiggly 9 year old boys yesterday. I almost could not handle the "flirting" between the male and female turkey. .. it put me in a funk! I texted my H and said "Who can think about infidelity in a movie about talking turkeys?" and then followed up with, "Well, actually, that is kind of funny." The turkey romance was pixilated, ridiculous and false and probably a far better approximation of love than my H's affair, which was categorically the opposite of love.

Alex CR posted 11/24/2013 08:33 AM

Hate to use that dreaded t word, but when I think about OW now, I think 'WS f*&*ed someone else' but don't think of that statement sexually. Instead I think of how he f&*^ed her, using her when it suit him and then treating her badly dumping her the minute his betrayal was out in the open at the thought he could lose me.

And OW just let him treat her like a paid piece whenever he visited her country during those years.

What a sad life when you're so hungry for male attention that you'll settle for some loose bits and pieces from someone else's life.

struggling16 posted 11/24/2013 08:52 AM

At almost 3 years from Dday, this occasionally can still buckle my knees. Fortunately it doesn't happen on an almost hourly basis anymore.

I find all of our coping mechanisms fascinating. I'm like AlexCR: I can see how damaged and pathetic both my WH and the AP were/are.

I try to appreciate how my WH is walking the walk daily (He is going with me for Thanksgiving with my family and that means not watching the Lions nonstop during the feast; in the past, I went alone). He is nothing like the H who committed such perfidy. I may be grasping at straws but it helps me put one foot in front of the other and trudge on.

ILINIA posted 11/24/2013 08:52 AM

Mine did too! WTF?!?

I'm drive myself nuts because I add a timeframe to it " I cannot believe he f***ed somebody 5 months ago!"

I'm hoping she will become a Gertrude, like sailorgirls post.

bionicgal posted 11/24/2013 09:03 AM


Sammy2013 posted 11/24/2013 09:20 AM

Oh how I hate that word "time". Lol. I'm still so close to DDay so his is on my mind all of the time. I'm trying so hard to move forward. So far WH is doing everything right. Well,a few bumps, but he is learning like I am. But he wants to make it right and is making amazing changes. I'm just hoping they stick. I digress... We had an amazing day yesterday with our little family. We got into bed, tickled and joked around. Something we hadn't done in a long time. Suddenly it all flew back. Did he do this with her? Ugh. I managed to Stop sign it back, but it took a ton of effort which makes me feel detached from him. I get angry when that happens. That he did that to us.

I really hope it will fade sooner rather than later. Still looking for the magic tool to do that.

LA44 posted 11/24/2013 10:19 AM

Today when we were having sex I pictured her hair falling over him. I had to throw a big black wall in front of that. My ability as a visual "learner" can hurt but it also helps.

But as trying1 said, sometimes it hits like a ton of bricks. Other times my brain is too strong and I can pull a SailorGirl and lump her in with the women that came before me.

ps: your post scared me bc I thought he confessed to another infidelity.

SmallButStrong posted 11/24/2013 10:37 AM

I say these exact words to myself at least once a day. And I'm 14 months out.

It hits me when I see him walking away, and I look at his full body, imagining it naked with someone else. Or it hits me when I'm cleaning my son's room, where he f***ed her every time she came over. I think, OMG - my H gave another woman an orgasm in this room!! WTF?!? And I'm supposed to fight this mental demon as long as I live in this house!

My hardest days are the days where I'm doing just fine and that "OMG WS f***ed someone else!" pops into my head.

Sorry, but at least we are all in the same club.

bionicgal posted 11/24/2013 16:06 PM

What a sad life when you're so hungry for male attention that you'll settle for some loose bits and pieces from someone else's life.

Whoa. So true!

Or, you get to be "queen bee" for a couple of whopping months and then get dropped the minute the man gets the slightest whiff his wife knows. (I didn't; I couldn't have imagined, really.)

[This message edited by bionicgal at 4:08 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

hopingforhappy posted 11/24/2013 17:09 PM

At 3 1/2 years out I can also attest that it gets much better, but I can't say it has gone away entirely. Most of the time when I think about it now, it causes more of a dull ache than a sharp, searing pain the way it used to. Sometimes I do think how pathetic OW was to settle for my FWH's lies for so long (how could she wait around for him for years? I certainly would never have done that!)

But I do have to admit that every now and again it hits me hard and it tends to be when we are being intimate. He will say or do something and it will just pop into my head out of the blue "he said/did the same thing to her." The good news is that it doesn't cause me to burst into tears anymore. I have developed the ability not to let it ruin things, because she has ruined enough for me already. I push it away and move on. I just hope that stops someday.

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