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Has your ex asked you for a loan?

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jemimapd posted 11/23/2013 19:38 PM

I am just stunned and pretty upset.

Today my STBX asked me to lend him $20k.

This is on top of the very big check I am writing him as part of the divorce settlement. The dissolution hearing is next week and we both have to stand up in front of the judge and agree it. We are doing an in-house separation.

I actually laughed and then I realized he was serious. I said no and for good measure I didn't have it. He pointed out that I have a retirement account.

Then he brought it up two more times today.

This money is to rehab the house he chose to buy knowing how much it would cost. This is instead of getting a second job. This is instead of moving in and doing it piecemeal.

I feel like all I have ever been to him is a checkbook. He had his sex and fun with the OW x ?. I cannot believe he asked me.

What is with this? He is super-snarky and very resentful. He is leaving this marriage with way more $ than he brought into it. But apparently that is not enough.....

I know I can't be the only one, you never are on this site.

HeartInADustpan posted 11/23/2013 20:35 PM

That is just sick. F.T.G


Nature_Girl posted 11/23/2013 20:40 PM


[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 8:42 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

jemimapd posted 11/23/2013 20:48 PM

NG, those sum it up!!!

He says he feels hard done by.

Honestly, it really is like living in some kind of alternative reality. Heart, it is sick. Just sick, twisted, impossible to comprehend thinking.

And I can see that he truly believes it is my responsibility to solve his cash flow problem.

Gr8Lady posted 11/23/2013 21:00 PM

Yes he has.

Also forged my name when I said no

Stand your ground, Then you will really see ugly from him

Housefulloflove posted 11/23/2013 22:07 PM

He hasn't but probably because he believes I'm as broke as he is (and I intend to keep it that way.)

In less than a year (we separated only 10 months ago), he has lost it all! Seriously....he has blown everything and left himself at a point where he can't even afford a cell phone and has no car. And this is WITH steady employment at the same job he had when we split and at the same income! I knew he would struggle handling his finances on his own since he left pretty much everything for me to handle as if I were his parent, but I had no clue just how inept he would be at caring for himself. It's like he has spent this entire year making sure that he ruined his life and altered his children's lives in pursuit of absolutely nothing (there isn't even an OW involved to help explain the insanity anymore.)

Honestly, it really is like living in some kind of alternative reality. Heart, it is sick. Just sick, twisted, impossible to comprehend thinking.

Ditto what Jemima wrote. There is no explaining the thoughts and actions of people like your ex and many other WS. It's why their lives resemble a poorly written soap-opera.

Gemini71 posted 11/23/2013 22:41 PM

Oh hell no! Can you imagine expecting an Ex to repay a loan? He couldn't keep it in his pants, what makes anyone think he'll repay a loan?

marlie2014 posted 11/23/2013 23:37 PM

Yes! In fact, he did it again just a few hours ago! My WS has been asking me for loans for years, and I still have a hard time saying no. He's so darn good at manipulation!

Bluebird26 posted 11/24/2013 00:50 AM

Yes, not quite to that extreme though

My ex constantly claims he has no money, can't afford to pay for stuff for the kids or claims to repay me next week, next week never seems to come though

So it's either chase him continually or the kids miss out all. the. time. It's frustrating and makes me the bad guy.

jemimapd posted 11/24/2013 06:14 AM

Can you imagine expecting an Ex to repay a loan? He couldn't keep it in his pants, what makes anyone think he'll repay a loan?

Exactly. I "lent" him a lot of money during he marriage which he never repaid. When I added it up for the divorce settlement, I was stunned. All that money, here and there, I had lost track of it.

He expected a gold star any time he bought anything for the house. He hardly did any maintenance, either, so there is a lot I have to put into the house.

But his position is he is the poor victim, hard done by in the settlement, and condemned to being bankrupt if I don't help him.

And he has NO problem raiding my retirement! I am wiped out financially by the $ I have to give him. I need to rebuild and live very frugally for a long time and get a second job. But I wouldn't touch my retirement. I would rather just give things up. We think totally differently about money.

realitybites posted 11/24/2013 06:23 AM

Oh boy, do I get this. But I have to sadly tell you that it is because we do this for them over and over, because we never say no, because we are too good hearted and we believed that they would stand by us and be there for us and do the right thing....someday.

It only stops when you stop. Just say NO! And stand by it. Don't waver, don't ever give in, wear a rubber band and snap it each time he emails or calls or texts. You have given up enough blood emotionally and financially. Let him learn to be on his own all by himself.

However probably once you stop and it is finally over he will find another woman to suck the life from and be the money tree.

jemimapd posted 11/24/2013 06:50 AM

Reality, I think you have got it right. I.can see him moving on to someone else.

I think he is already setting me up to be the reason for his future financial failure: if I had given him more money he would have been OK.

He is very passive-aggressive in general.

Skan posted 11/24/2013 17:37 PM

Gods, the sooner you can shake the dust of this loser off of your feet, the better! Yeah, sure, you'll loan him $20K ..... if he tells his lawyer to deed over $30K in the check you're going to have to write for him back to you! Actually, he might be stupid enough to go for that. Hummmm

Ashland13 posted 11/24/2013 18:11 PM

Yes...x here asks for money periodically and wants me to "reimburse" him for things I question.

It was him who left and him who changed his life and wracked up more bills he cannot pay on top of bills he could not pay before-not me.

jemimapd posted 11/24/2013 18:20 PM

Thanks everyone.

To be clear, he asked me for $20k yesterday. He wanted to know immediately.

Well I got some clarification on nis thinking tonight after he asked me repeatedly if I had made a decision: I should lend him this money because I wanted the divorce. Basically I owe him this favor.

Also, he didn't realize how much it was going to cost to refurbish his new house (he is a contractor, can price everything to the last cent).

He was super nice this afternoon, then he asked me if I had made a decision. I felt sick to my stomach. The manipulation is so blatant.

And then he looks at me with this unbelievable anger and hatred. I can't describe it. He has never been violent. But I felt this sick, awful feeling.

I am wondering if I should leave before the hearing and just take DD to a hotel for a couple of nights or whether that would just ramp up the drama.

movingforward13 posted 11/24/2013 18:41 PM

Do not give him the money. Fuck that guy. His piece of shit ass

realitybites posted 11/25/2013 06:58 AM

I am so sorry. It seems like you have a really hard time telling this guy no. Has he had a temper before? Does he usually manipulate like this regularly?

I would tell your attorney if you have one exactly what happened. Keep a record of it all. You may want to keep a VAR with you whenever he tries this stuff around you.

dmari posted 11/25/2013 10:12 AM

You mentioned that he was passive aggressive (so is mine) so when you say "no", he will pull that passive aggressive bullshit. Please don't fall for it. Being nice --> then looks of anger and hatred is Passive Aggressive 101. BTDT and had to endure some scary shit. Please make sure you are safe. That doesn't mean to loan him the money though. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how scary it can be. Take care and be safe.

jemimapd posted 11/25/2013 11:35 AM

Dmari, I am afraid but I feel stupid and dramatic because he has never been violent. But yesterday he was super-nice and then he said "Have you decided whether to lend me the money?" and I said no and he went very hostile immediately. He snapped so fast from one to the other. I was stunned. If looks could kill I would be dead. Then I spoke to him on the phone today and he sounded very odd, just disconnected. When he was speaking I felt this gut fear even though it was just chit chat. I am going to go to a hotel tonight with my DD. but then I'm worried it will just cause a lot of drama.

Do passive aggressive people stay passive?

I'm worried he might snap. He's ex-military but I've never seen uncontrolled aggression from him.

welcome14 posted 11/25/2013 11:50 AM

I think you are right to be concerned. There was a woman on here who had a bad vibe about her stbx, but didn't act on it because he was a lawyer (I think) or something that would get in lots of trouble and he had never been violent before. He managed to catch her alone even though she had people staying with her, he forced his way in and almost beat her to death. luckily, the house guest came home and found her. something like that, anyway. So, just because he has never done it before doesn't mean he can't go off the deep end. I think the hotel is a very good idea. be careful.

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