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Ddb35811 posted 11/23/2013 20:53 PM

Long time lurker, first time poster...

Im at my wits end. I hate message boards and forums, but talking to a group of strangers is easier than bottling everything up.

My husband and I have been married since 2004. We have 2 kids, our own home, stable jobs, a large, loving extended family...just so much to be thankful for. The first several years were wonderful. We never fought, never even raised our voices to each other. There never were any disagreements to speak of. I felt very fortunate.

In 2006, he started a new job. Not long after starting there, he would come home mentioning a woman's name in nearly every conversation we would have about his day. After hearing him mention her so often, I asked if there was anything going on between them. He, of course, laughed it off. Then she started calling him at home about random things. I told him I felt that it was inappropriate and it needed to stop. Not long after this, he stopped mentioning her name around me completely. I thought things were settling down.

Fast forward a few years, I noticed he left his facebook page open on our home computer. I start looking around and stumble across private messages between the two of them. He was telling her what blouse she should wear the next day, and how many buttons should be left undone. I came unglued. I demanded he cease contact and end all the BS. I got the "we're just friends" excuse and that they were just joking, blah blah. But he agreed to stop. I foolishly believed he would. I hated her with a passion from that day forward.

While on a family vacation to visit HIS family, I saw him emailing someone. I instantly knew who it was, and when I confronted him about it, he just rolled his eyes at me. I wanted to scream at him, but the kids were in the car so I had to keep my anger to myself. It ruined the whole trip.

In mid 2011, I was looking at our cell bill to try to figure out why so many minutes were disappearing. I noticed on his detail one number that popped up over and over, and most of them were either right before talking with me, or right after. I called him at work and asked who the number belonged to. He told me that it was the number to the main desk at work and was answered by everyone. So I called it, and got her voicemail. I blew up at him as soon as he walked in the door. I told him I was done with the crap he was trying to pull and that he needed to make a decision, her or me. He convinced me that he would end things, that they were just joking, that it was all just work gossip. But he swore to me that he knew it was hurting me, and he would take care of it.

Not 3 weeks later, I pick up his phone to see an email from him to her calling her his girlfriend. Something snapped in my head at that moment. I cant explain it. Since that night, Ive lost 56 pounds, withdrawn from everything Ive ever enjoyed, including my family. Ive withdrawn from him completely. My heart was broken at that very moment. I spent months crying my eyes out every single day. Wondering whats so wrong with me. How could the loving husband I thought I had be so cruel and heartless to me? What happened to our wonderful relationship? Ive been on so many medications Ive lost track. Ive given up on life, even though I know my children need their mother.

I want to think Im beyond the despair and hurt for the most part, but the anger is slowly killing me. He seems so remorseful. Changing jobs, giving me access to any and all means of communication with anyone, cutting ties to her completely (hopefully), none of it helps. Its taking a physical toll on me. When anything triggers any kind of memory, my chest tightens and hurts, and I completely melt down. My feelings for him have changed. I miss the man I loved. I feel like I am grieving him nearly every single day. The man I married would have never put me through so much pain. I asked him on the night he called her his girlfriend if he loved her. He flat out denied it. I finally got the truth about that a few weeks ago when he admitted that yes, he did feel that he loved her. I wanted to die.

I need help, bad. We started seeing a counselor this week together. Im still not sure how I feel about it. Time will tell I guess. My husband is trying so hard to help me. I just cant accept it right now. I hope that changes.

I dont know if I came here looking for advice, or just a place to vent. I have no close friends to talk to. I dont want to talk to family, because if we do work things out I dont want there to be any resentful feelings towards him from them. Im just heartbroken.

jjsr posted 11/23/2013 20:58 PM

This is a long, long road. Your whole life has been turned upside down. Your body and mind are in shock.
You need help. MC and IC. Its very important that you take care of yourself.
It sounds to me that your husband is doing what he can in some ways but for me I don't think you can do this without help.
Take deep breaths, one day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time and whether you hate online forums or not keep coming back here. We are here for you and all of us have been where you are

Mypoorkids posted 11/23/2013 21:27 PM

(((Hugs)))
You are NOT alone! I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Please take care of yourself!
You CAN get through this. Take it one day/hour/minute at a time. Hold off on making big decisions until your emotions are less raw.
Remember this isn't your fault and there is nothing you could have done to prevent it.

whiteflower99 posted 11/23/2013 22:51 PM

Welcome to the club no one wants to join.
I am sorry for your pain and sorry you are here.
It sounds like your WH is trying to do the right thing. But believe me, anger is normal... or so I have been told.
What I am doing now is journaling, but I write on loose sheets of paper then burn them. That way I dong hold on to the anger. it has helped some, but this is a s l o w process.
Read the Healing Library if you haven't. And somewhere recently someone posted a "Calling All BS's" thread that is pretty awesome.
Hugs and strength to you.

Ostrich80 posted 11/23/2013 23:13 PM

Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry for your pain..and anger. We have all felt it and still do i Counseling is a good start but be patient with yourself. This is not going to fix itself overnight. You will go through an array of emotions and then for some reason it may subside and return again. Keep posting, it does help to get it out.. You can post when your mad, sad whatever, even just to vent.

iwillNOT posted 11/23/2013 23:36 PM

(((Ddb)))

I'm so sorry you have to be here, and sorry for your pain. The grief, the loss, the pain is so horrible; we know how you are feeling. You did not deserve this,and it is not your fault. You have had a horrible trauma inflicted on you, and it will take time to get your bearings again.

It will get better, I promise. At 2 months out I felt the unrelenting pain would never end. It hasn't ended, but things are much better.have you considered IC for yourself, as a place to work through some of this? Mine has been a great help. Good for you that you are going to MC.

Please post here and read often. The wonderful folks in this community have much wisdom and support to share.

mychild posted 11/23/2013 23:40 PM

I'm so glad you came here ((Ddb35811)) - that means hugs to you. I see this is your first post. This place can be great and sometimes not so great. But keep posting. I have been posting so much it's crazy! I'm sure everyone is tired of seeing mychild everywhere!!

But that is why I am glad you are here. You need to post. You need to read.

As far as the 56 lbs. Are you ok? Don't become a skeletor. If you needed to lose the weight, great (bad way to have to lose, but if there is a silver lining, the weight loss can be it if you needed to). Be careful when you start regaining. That part sucks. But if you lost the weight and you didn't need to, please fix that as soon as possible. You come first, right?

I really wonder if he did love her, you know? People get so confused with emotions. Is it love? Or really, is it infatuation. Most affairs, especially with men, are infatuation. It's the secrets, the other life, the hiding, the excitement, the hormones rushing, the stress, the smiles, the warm fuzzies, the teenage heart throbbing all over again, the wanting of youth and no ties to the adult world. NO, that is not love, I'm sorry. That is infatuation. People in affairs get so confused about love. Love is what a good parent feels for a child. Love is a love you have for a good parent. Love is for a husband or wife you take care of and pay bills with and have children with and buy big ticket items with or spend time with each other's families or buy that wonderful dog with. Infatuation is someone you have sex with and sneaking glances with and stupid texting with and giggles with on cell phone calls no one else is privy to. Affairs are childish. Children cannot fall in love. Adult love is for adults.

Anger is killing me also. I am not getting better. My therapist isn't helping things either. She's like, why can't you leave him, or how can we get you to leave him. So I feel more angry because I just can leave him, of which others on this site will state - oh, an excuse, I see. There's even a very long post with 10 items saying something like that - too risky to stay, risky to leave, risky to not make a decision, stuff like that. It's all hard and it's all shit - this affair/cheating stuff. Of course you are angry. And some day both you and I may just leave. Or we may continue to stay. But that is what THEY created. Now there are children.

Some people just up and leave. They are pregnant and they leave. Their baby is 2 weeks old and they leave. I don't know how they do it. Does money grow on trees there? It's expensive to leave. I'm amazed and I'm just not that strong, I guess. So of course I'm even more angry.

I don't know when the anger stops. I'm getting worse. If you find the answer, let me know.

Lyonesse posted 11/24/2013 00:02 AM

Welcome, ddb! Glad you decided to post, it does help just to talk it out sometimes. MC is good, but consider IC for yourself, too, especially since you don't want to reveal the A to family/friends. Certain therapists, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapists, try to help you find strategies to deal with the anger and depression. If nothing else, you have someone who is YOUR sounding board on your own personal journey of healing.

And of course, there is always someone here to give you something to think about. I get how you feel - you were gaslighted for a very long time. Has your H started with an IC? Somehow, "seems" remorseful doesn't seem enough. Has he really figured out why the F he behaved so heinously? Does he actively try to rebuild your communication and trust? If you only got the truth about certain things a few weeks ago, it doesn't sound like it. The TT is worse than the adultery for most - does your H get that?

I refused to even try MC until my H started IC to figure out why he was a liar. I wonder if this is part of the reason you feel ambivalent about the MC? Personally, I couldn't bear to sit there and hear someone tell me how we both needed to "communicate better." I communicate fine - I need a H who is capable of listening and empathizing rather than manipulating, hiding, and deceiving. (Not that MC cannot help, but for me, seeing him work on his problems first was essential)

Please do keep posting. Your thread title says "I need help," and as one moderator of thee boards once stated: "We are here to help the f*** out of people!"

Lyonesse posted 11/24/2013 00:07 AM

Also, I am doubtful he "loved" OW. The truth is he probably doesn't know how to love anyone at all. That is also a painful thing to realize about your life partner, but it is probably closer to the truth for most of us. Sure, they feel the "in love" feelings of an early attachment, but that is not the same as being capable of sustained love, in which you care for another person's well-being.

isadora posted 11/24/2013 05:15 AM

Welcome. The beginning is crushing. Focus on you. Let the anger out. Don't hold the toxins in. I cried in the shower almost every day for months so my kids didnt have to see

me. I power walked and stomped my way through my neighborhood to give the rage a release.

You will get through this.

sisoon posted 11/24/2013 12:44 PM

well, those initials are my mom's. Just coincidence, I think.

You've been dealing with this alone for over 2 years - that's really, really hard on a person.

To me, recovery is a process of feeling the emotions and letting them go. Sometimes a person can't do that alone. If your MC seems good and if s/he suggest IC for you, I hope you give it a try. Your anger (and probably grief and fear, too) are very real, but there are ways to let the feelings go - and it's worth it.

Remember that R requires 3 healing. You heal you. Your H heals him. Together you heal your M. Healing your M requires both of you to heal individually, but you can recover for yourself whether or not your H does, though it sounds as if he's on board.

Posting here is a good step toward getting help. Seeing a C is another good step, so keep breathing, and take care of yourself.

Ddb35811 posted 11/24/2013 17:22 PM

Thanks for all of the replies. It sadly does make it feel a tad better knowing Im not alone. I just thought 2 years ago that I would be better by now. I can relate to crying in the shower so my kids dont see me. Its almost a routine now. How sad is that? I go from deep sadness, to rage, to calm, and right back to sadness again. Its making me crazy. I just want to be happy.

With the holidays fast approaching, Ive tried keeping myself busy and that helps a little. But it also makes me dread when things settle back down. My H is doing all he can, but Im so angry at him for causing all of this in the first place. He has caused me to miss out on 2 years of my children's lives. That's something I will never get back. I do want to be with him and only him, but I cant stand him sometimes. He hurt me, and he knew he was hurting me the entire time. How do you get over something like that?

brkn_heartd posted 11/24/2013 17:36 PM

Ddb,
It is very hard to get over..but not impossible. I had told my fwh I had planned to kill myself one day in the bathtub because of the pain. He responded the right when I told him. The next day he created a secret email account I found later. When I read with my own eyes that he cared more about her than my life....I reacted like you in some ways. However it also snapped something in me that I was not going to let him crap on me anymore.

we are in R and 4 years out. It took me a good 2-3 years where I felt like I was part of life again. We are slowly R'ing however part of my heart died too.

You need to decide is this is a dealbreaker for you. It is ok if it is. If it is not..know it can take a long time to heal but it can be done if both of you work hard at it. I had a great IC about 1 year out. I wished I had found him sooner. He helped me work through what I needed to work through. You might consider that too.

support being sent to you.