Long time lurker, first time poster...
Im at my wits end. I hate message boards and forums, but talking to a group of strangers is easier than bottling everything up.
My husband and I have been married since 2004. We have 2 kids, our own home, stable jobs, a large, loving extended family...just so much to be thankful for. The first several years were wonderful. We never fought, never even raised our voices to each other. There never were any disagreements to speak of. I felt very fortunate.
In 2006, he started a new job. Not long after starting there, he would come home mentioning a woman's name in nearly every conversation we would have about his day. After hearing him mention her so often, I asked if there was anything going on between them. He, of course, laughed it off. Then she started calling him at home about random things. I told him I felt that it was inappropriate and it needed to stop. Not long after this, he stopped mentioning her name around me completely. I thought things were settling down.
Fast forward a few years, I noticed he left his facebook page open on our home computer. I start looking around and stumble across private messages between the two of them. He was telling her what blouse she should wear the next day, and how many buttons should be left undone. I came unglued. I demanded he cease contact and end all the BS. I got the "we're just friends" excuse and that they were just joking, blah blah. But he agreed to stop. I foolishly believed he would. I hated her with a passion from that day forward.
While on a family vacation to visit HIS family, I saw him emailing someone. I instantly knew who it was, and when I confronted him about it, he just rolled his eyes at me. I wanted to scream at him, but the kids were in the car so I had to keep my anger to myself. It ruined the whole trip.
In mid 2011, I was looking at our cell bill to try to figure out why so many minutes were disappearing. I noticed on his detail one number that popped up over and over, and most of them were either right before talking with me, or right after. I called him at work and asked who the number belonged to. He told me that it was the number to the main desk at work and was answered by everyone. So I called it, and got her voicemail. I blew up at him as soon as he walked in the door. I told him I was done with the crap he was trying to pull and that he needed to make a decision, her or me. He convinced me that he would end things, that they were just joking, that it was all just work gossip. But he swore to me that he knew it was hurting me, and he would take care of it.
Not 3 weeks later, I pick up his phone to see an email from him to her calling her his girlfriend. Something snapped in my head at that moment. I cant explain it. Since that night, Ive lost 56 pounds, withdrawn from everything Ive ever enjoyed, including my family. Ive withdrawn from him completely. My heart was broken at that very moment. I spent months crying my eyes out every single day. Wondering whats so wrong with me. How could the loving husband I thought I had be so cruel and heartless to me? What happened to our wonderful relationship? Ive been on so many medications Ive lost track. Ive given up on life, even though I know my children need their mother.
I want to think Im beyond the despair and hurt for the most part, but the anger is slowly killing me. He seems so remorseful. Changing jobs, giving me access to any and all means of communication with anyone, cutting ties to her completely (hopefully), none of it helps. Its taking a physical toll on me. When anything triggers any kind of memory, my chest tightens and hurts, and I completely melt down. My feelings for him have changed. I miss the man I loved. I feel like I am grieving him nearly every single day. The man I married would have never put me through so much pain. I asked him on the night he called her his girlfriend if he loved her. He flat out denied it. I finally got the truth about that a few weeks ago when he admitted that yes, he did feel that he loved her. I wanted to die.
I need help, bad. We started seeing a counselor this week together. Im still not sure how I feel about it. Time will tell I guess. My husband is trying so hard to help me. I just cant accept it right now. I hope that changes.
I dont know if I came here looking for advice, or just a place to vent. I have no close friends to talk to. I dont want to talk to family, because if we do work things out I dont want there to be any resentful feelings towards him from them. Im just heartbroken.