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RavenWood posted 11/23/2013 21:09 PM

I'm quite literally at a loss for words, not because of any specific action, or any new information. Just because.

I am lost.

My divorce should be wrapped up in about a month. Outside of dealing with the kids and finances, we haven't spoken or seen each other. All for the better I suppose; less drama to deal with. Yet at the same time trapping me in the silence of my own thoughts.

I'm a human being, I have feelings, I feel pain. I loved her with all of my heart. I treated her like a queen, and I was satisfied beyond reason.

But now I tell everyone that I don't love her anymore - that I wouldn't take her back even if she begged for it. Not after the hell she has put me through. But, honestly, I don't even believe my own words. There is a part of my heart that is missing.

How the hell did you do this to me? How did you walk away from me? How did you turn your back on me? How did you leave me curdled up on the floor sobbing?

With my impending divorce, I can't help but feel the gravity, the finality of it all.

This has been the lowest point in my life and I don't want you back. And yet, you were also the most important person in my life and I don't want you to leave.

Thefly559 posted 11/23/2013 21:15 PM

Dam brother. I am sorry. I could have wrote this myself I feel exactly the same. We will get through this but we will always have a piece missing. Stay strong and keep that head up

SBB posted 11/23/2013 21:22 PM

I promise you it won't always feel this bad. I hit my rock bottom a few months after Final S - 5m after DD. I thought I would die of heartbreak. I honestly did. I expected the emotional pain (somewhat) but I was not at all prepared for the physical pain. The keening, the howling at the moon.

I'm just over a year out from that rock bottom and I feel completely different. I'm living, I'm growing, I'm laughing, I'm smiling.

I'm healing.

Grief isn't a straight line - it has twists and turns. Peaks and dips. As time goes on and you keep working on detaching these dips get further and further apart and don't last anywhere near as long.

It is hard to accept that the person we loved, married and started a family with could have done this to us and our children. I mourn him as I imagine I would if he had died. It is strange to mourn someone who never really existed but mourn him I must.

((RavenWood)) It gets easier, I promise.

Lost15 posted 11/23/2013 21:36 PM


These could be my exact words. I am not sure when my divorce will be final, hopefully soon. The words you have used in this post are exactly how I feel, if I could actually explain it. .

But now I tell everyone that I don't love her anymore - that I wouldn't take her back even if she begged for it. Not after the hell she has put me through. But, honestly, I don't even believe my own words. There is a part of my heart that is missing.

I say this all the time about stbxh, but in my mind I'm thinking... do I really believe that.

I am trying so hard to move forward and not let the negative thoughts and feelings consume me. Some days are harder than others. But with the support I have found here and through family and friends I hope that the emptiness I feel will go away. I feel for you and any one else going through this. I wish you peace and happiness in your future.

Gemini71 posted 11/23/2013 22:54 PM


I understand how you feel. I just feel numb towards STBXH. He didn't just kill my love for him, I think he killed my ability to love like that ever again. I will definitely never trust like that ever again.

sunsetslost posted 11/23/2013 23:06 PM

(((Raven))). I know how you feel. 100%. They say it gets better. I have no choice but to believe them. I have enough moments of levity and joy not to. Hang in there. Take care of yourself. Peace to you.

TrustedHer posted 11/24/2013 10:17 AM

OMG, man, it's been 6 months from D-day to divorce.

At 6 months out from D-day I was still sobbing and bawling about once a week. My IC suggested I schedule it, on Sunday night, so it wouldn't catch me by surprise at work. That wouldn't work for everyone, but it did for me.

All this shit takes time, and you're still at the beginning.

Here on SI, we often talk about how time is a 4-letter word, but you really do need some separation behind you to get to a better place.

And it's also important how you use the time. Are you in counseling? Are you showing symptoms of depression that might be helped by a temporary course of drugs?

Looking at your past hurts. What is in your future? You get to choose, you know.

WIgirl posted 11/24/2013 11:48 AM

I'm so sorry, I can completely relate. In fact, I just asked (ok, ordered) my DH to leave today...and there is still a part of me wishing he would write me an email or say some beautiful words to make me reconsider. But he's done it before, and they've just been words. Hollow. I still just can't grasp how we got here. And why. And that's so hard, but I'm tired of being trampled on. I deserve better. And so do you.

Artemisia posted 11/24/2013 14:34 PM


I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel, and I'm so sorry.

I'm hoping for peace and healing to you and all of us hurting today.

ExhaustedWhat2do posted 11/25/2013 16:21 PM

Great summarization. Totally how I've felt yesteday and today. I'm 2 mos out from DD, 4 weeks out from filing and serving WW.

Holidays are here, and everyone says spend it with family and friends. I find it very hard, b/c everyone is happy and joyous at this time especially with their SO. The holidays were and are special to me when you are with the person you love.

I'm just dreading it, b/c I don't feel happy. I'm sad, I'm grieving, and I feel empty inside. I really don't like putting a face on and pretending something I'm not. I'd rather just skip this years holiday season and hope for January 2nd to arrive sooner rather than later.

[This message edited by ExhaustedWhat2do at 4:21 PM, November 25th (Monday)]

sleepless34 posted 11/25/2013 16:37 PM

Something a therapist said to me that really helped me with these feelings around "how the hell did you do this to me" is that she told me that he probably did love me to the best of his ability. He failed because of his shortcomings. He knows he failed, he knows he doesn't measure up. I have values, I was honest, I was faithful, I was caring and kind and family oriented. He couldn't handle it, he simple isn't good enough. He is not capable.

She told me I am reasonating at such a higher level, a higher frequency, that he can't get there with me because he lacks that honesty, the values, the self love, the confidence, the worthiness, the spirtuality. He failed, it wasn't me. Maybe someday when I am done being so pissed off, I will even feel some compassion for him.

She can walk away from you because she isn't capable of loving you the way you deserve. She is broken, weak, she is scared, she knows she failed and it is easier to run away when you are like that. She isn't the person you thought she was, or you need her to be, she is either someone else now or someone she always was and is just now showing you.

I know it is hard to detach. I feel the same way, sad, heartbroken, demoralized and yet I am dealing with a shitstorm of parenting issues, legal stuff, money issues and the F**ing Holidays….AHHHH.

Mourn the loss of your former life, former wife and family. You need to do that. I bet you love the old her, not who she is now.

Hang in there!

stronger08 posted 11/25/2013 16:43 PM

What you and the other members are feeling is totally normal. Of course your hurting, you all have been blindsided with what amounts to be the greatest emotional pain in your lives. It does not mean that your weak or pathetic. It means that you are human beings. Loss of any kind needs to be mourned. So be easy on yourselves and give yourselves a break. There is no set time limit on mourning. And if you feel its affecting your lives to the point of dysfunction, well that's why they created therapists. In your post you mention finality. But believe it or not finality is just what the doctor ordered when suffering from infidelity. Finality leads to acceptance and acceptance leads to healing. While it may not seem like it today, how you all are feeling is a much needed to step towards becoming whole again. You are all survivors of one of the most extreme forms of emotional abuse. But you have the strength and courage to forge ahead. And in this mans eyes you all are hero's. I applaud each and every one of you. Welcome to the first day of the rest of your lives.

StillLivin posted 11/25/2013 16:47 PM

She is the broken one.

I loved her with all of my heart. I treated her like a queen, and I was satisfied beyond reason.

^^^^And all of this is why, once you have taken the time to properly heal, that you will go on to meet a wonderful lady who will appreciate all of this.

You are still new to this. The pain and devastation is still fresh and completely raw.
Take it one day, one minute at a time. Do what you can when you can to heal.
Eat right, sleep. Lots of sleep.
In a few weeks it won't be mind numbing pain.
In a few months, you won't be sobbing every day feeling the grief every minute. It's going to take time to heal. Give yourself that time.

When you no longer care, and don't even desire someone else, that's when fate will intervene and a wonderful woman who deserves you will enter the picture.

Abbondad posted 11/25/2013 17:04 PM


All I can do is echo the words of the others: I have been there, I am still there. The pain is like none I ever experienced, like none I thought I was capable of, like none I hope to ever experience again.

I am one year from D-Day and divorcing. She was the love of my life--and I suppose she still is. I just saw her when I exchanged the kids and she was as gloriously beautiful as the day I met her.

You have been traumatized. But you picked yourself up with dignity and strength and by filing, you have taken back control. I like the others, am amazed that you are only in month six. Please look at this as a sign of real strength and courage. Six months ago I was wailing every day, convinced I would just die. Three months ago I was weeping in grief. Last month I cried a few times. This week I cried once.

I did not believe that the pain would ever become less intense. The "elders" on this site assured me it would. They were liars. They were placating me. They did not love their spouses like I loved mine.

I was wrong. They were right. They knew. They understood. They lived it and came out the other side scarred, bruised, battered, but alive and living. Their souls are as sensitive as ours. Believe them when they say you will survive this and emerge a better man, a wiser and stronger man. I am not out of this by a long shot; the emotional roots run so deep. But I am better. Bit by bit. In increments so small I don't even know I am healing. I have gained most of my weight back. I fall asleep and sleep through the night. It's happening.

Grieve. Cry. Seek professional help. (This was crucial for me.) And let time do its thing. In another six months (I know, an eternity) you will feel better than you do now. And a year from then you will feel better than you will six months from now. Until one day you (and I) will once more be living--not just breathing, but living. Hang in there.

We are all there with you.

SusanR posted 11/25/2013 17:45 PM


I understand totally. i had 3 ddays over a 2 1/2 year period and damn near died from grief. I should hate him for what he did to me. After 17 years of marriage. He lied, he blameshifted, he lied some more. Whenever I see him, talk to him, or even read a text or an email from him, I get very upset. I want to hug him but I also want to tear his hair out. The dichotomy is sheer torture.

I agreed to a legal separation in lieu of a divorce if he would get treatment for sexual addiction. He says he is in treatment but, hell, that could be a lie. Anyhow, I've successfully locked myself into limboland. My biggest fear is that i will cave and take him back yet I can't move on. But, whenever I start to feel a little bit sorry for him or a little weak, I picture him having sex with her, I picture him looking me straight in the eyes and swearing to God that nothing was going on, I picture him taking pictures of his penis with his iPhone or I think of him chatting with her in the next room as I was fixing his dinner. That helps!

Make a list. Refer to it as needed.

allatsea posted 11/26/2013 09:52 AM


You have written those words on my behalf. I can feel your pain. I have the same pain

It's so unjust

Reality posted 11/26/2013 13:13 PM

((Raven)) It's a terrible place to be, that fresh in the betrayal of it all. It will get better, and it does just take time, like all the posts above have said.

At the end, one of the hardest truths to face is that a part of you will always love her. You'll love her because you were present in the relationship, because you did keep your promises, because you operated completely as a human.

The love that stays with you is what allows you to still wish the best for them, even knowing who they are choosing to be. To still behave in ways that are healthy and kind whenever possible, rather than act out of fear or anger.

That love reflects who you are far more than who they were/are. That love changes, but doesn't disappear. It doesn't mean you won't be angry and hurt.

It's really easy to beat yourself up for feeling that remnant of what you felt in the relationship, that somehow you're doing the divorce thing "wrong," which is why I'm bringing this aspect up.

Don't do that to yourself. Understand it for what it is and what it means. You have love to give and that's awesome.

It will be okay, Raven. Be kind to yourself.

FieldsOfLavender posted 11/27/2013 21:20 PM

Ravenwood, your post makes me very sad. Your Dday is 12 months from my dday. While I have our child for Thanksgiving, I am still very devastated at my stbx's betrayal and nonchalance. He's taken it 2 steps beyond a betrayal. He has intentionally started another family. This stabs me on many levels because I wanted another child and he would not agree to one with me for the past several years.

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