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Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: Calming Suggestions
harrypotter
♂ 39526
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 2:40 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I feel so alone. I am currently deployed in the military, and i have been for about 2 months now. D day was back in April so we have been doing this for awhile. I recently received wonderful news that i would be able to come home early and not miss Christmas with my wife and our five kids. Only problem is for the last week to ten days my wife has showed no emotion on FaceTime when we talk and has even admitted that she has mixed emotions about me coming home. I understand her anger and feelings, I am not bitching about her being disconnected towards me. It's just for the first time in my life I feel like I don't have a home to come home to. It feels like a truck is on my chest and I can't get it off.

So im panicking inside all the time, i thought i was past this but I'm not and its worse then before. I need to know what others have done to get through "dark times".


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 6:13 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you feel like it's been 'awhile' and it's tough to swallow the intensity of the feelings on both ends. Especially with your being away I can imagine it's even a more overwhelming and helpless feeling.

It's important to dig up some empathy for your BW's feelings. She is still processing and has a very long way to go and the fact that she expressed her mixed feelings about you coming home is a good thing, IMO, because she is communicating her real feelings.

I'm sure she feels like her home is not the safe, comfortable, happy place too. Her world was blown apart in April.

I think you need to work hard to try to rebuild with her what the home should be. She needs to feel safe and she needs to be able to process her emotions.

I know this post was asking for help for you, but I'm trying to get you to see where your BW is coming from.

To answer your question...not to oversimplify but to get through the dark times, you just do. You keep on keeping on. You stay truthful and transparent, you talk to your BW, your create a safe place for her to heal. You stay true to yourself and her by making sure the truth is all out and you keep communicating (see a pattern here? )

That's it, really. You just deal. You can't go around any of this, you have to go through it.

None of this is easy.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38992 | Registered: Sep 2007
BaxtersBFF
♂ 26859
Member # 26859
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with AN.

She is very likely in protection mode and doing what she has to do in order to feel safe.

In a way, you don't have a home to go come home to, at least, it isn't the same home you left when you were deployed. It is probably going to be very tough on both of you, and like AN said, you are going to have to work through it.

You do have a right to have feelings. I think though that many WS's find it easier to work through their feelings when they are able to be open enough to help the BS work through theirs. Does that make sense? Eventually, you will hopefully get to a place with your BS where you can also talk about your feelings.

In your case too, I would take advantage of whatever services are available to members of the service. You may also be dealing with other stuff which few of us can really understand, even your BW, so keep in mind what might be going on with your emotions and whether it is something you can work through with your BW or if it is something that you might need a peer support group for or an IC.

Thank you very much for your service.


WH - 44
BW - gerrygirl

Posts: 6103 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Boise
HardenMyHeart
♂ 15902
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It feels like a truck is on my chest and I can't get it off.

Anxiety will cause this. You should do something about this now as it could get worse. Please see a Doctor or an IC right away and let them know what is going on.

Below is link to some Guided Imagery Podcasts on the Kaiser Permanente website that may be of help:
https://members.kaiserpermanente.org/redirects/listen/

Also, vigorous exercise and meditation can be helpful for anxiety.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 9:44 AM, November 24th (Sunday)]


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5764 | Registered: Aug 2007
harrypotter
♂ 39526
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Guys,

Thanks for advise. I used to actually get through some of these times by having empathy and just focusing on my BW wife like having a goal and it worked. Not only was I doing the right thing for her but it helped me as well. We used to talk and actually help each other, now not so much. I have some people to talk to but it's not the same as talking to her. I am trying not to put my sanity on her head I really am. I have put blame and pressure on her before and I am really trying not to that. But in the end what she thinks and feels is all I care about. I think I try to gauge my changed behavior and self worth on what I feel her perception of me is (which isn't good). Which is not a good thing because self worth issues are indeed one of my issues.

I feel like I am being a big fat cry baby right now with this whole post. I feel like I should just be able to keep on keeping on but it hurts really really bad and I can't seem to find my way back right now, does that make sense?

Thanks for the help!


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am being a big fat cry baby right now with this whole post.

Please don't. Everybody has feelings - we're human. You have a safe place here to share what you're going though.

Your wife is in a really difficult place, emotionally, and being apart doesn't make it very easy for the two of you to connect.

I think I try to gauge my changed behavior and self worth on what I feel her perception of me is (which isn't good).

Yep. You know that this isn't sustainable. There are two things you need to focus on here. Compassion for her, and the work you need to do to feel proud of yourself. At the end of the day we can't rely on anyone else to show us what we are worth.

Think about this in terms of what you are able to control at this distance. Make facetime about being accountable to your wife, and focusing on her feelings regardless of what you feel she is putting out. While you are deployed, spend every day exercising good boundaries, and be sure to give yourself praise and credit for the focus you are putting on your behavior.

Do not ever feel ashamed about needing to talk this though. That's the mark of someone who gives a damn about how they treat themselves and others. Seeking help is a strength.


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18703 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
harrypotter
♂ 39526
Member # 39526
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, November 24th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jrazz,

Thanks for taking the time for me, you make some good points and it's helping me. Helping me to re-focus and feel a bit better thank you!

Yep. You know that this isn't sustainable. There are two things you need to focus on here. Compassion for her, and the work you need to do to feel proud of yourself. At the end of the day we can't rely on anyone else to show us what we are worth.


Your right it's not sustainable and I know that, but I let other feelings and emotions work in on me.

Do not ever feel ashamed about needing to talk this though. That's the mark of someone who gives a damn about how they treat themselves and others. Seeking help is a strength.


I don't do this enough! I try to do a lot myself, thanks!

[This message edited by harrypotter at 6:34 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]


WS-Me
BS-Her (Lostinthismess)


Posts: 72 | Registered: Jun 2013
finallyfree2011
♀ 37998
Member # 37998
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, November 25th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My D day was in July and I wanted more than anything to have a picture perfect holiday with my BH and kids. Like it could somehow erase the last 4 years of my thinking about how distant I was for the Holidays during my A.

Sadly BH's emotions were still too raw and we fought the entire time. Our youngest child later accused us of ruining Christmas.

All I can say as a WS is to breath and ride the wave of emotions your BS is feeling.


Me - WS
H - BH

D day - July 2011 after a 4 year relationship with OM

Reconciled and renewed our vows on our 22 Anniversary in June 2012


Posts: 65 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 8

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