"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Nest2007 posted 11/24/2013 04:19 AM

I posted this today about OW on a Christian FB page I'm part of. It's a support available to me, but in which I still can't detail the A and it ramifications, as I know some of the members IRL and they work with my H. For those SIers who are Christian, I'd value your prayer too.

Ladies, I'm in desperate need of prayer. A few months back I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. While I can't go into the cause, the net result is that a single person triggers my panic attacks. They have hurt me deeply, probably irreparably, and yet continue to take great delight in tormenting me. It is done in seemingly innocent and innocuous ways, and very recently when I've called them out on it, they cry innocence - it wasn't their intent. The frequency of their behaviour indicates otherwise.

Yesterday, I thought progress may have been made - after they commented unnecessarily on a mutual friend's FB post on Friday, I called them out yet again, and I was delighted to find that they had blocked me by Saturday morning. No longer would I be triggered every time they popped up in my newsfeed through mutual friends and common local groups.

Wrong. Today, there she was in my newsfeed, tagging the same mutual friend to thank them for something. When I checked, she'd unblocked me, changed the setting for that post to friends of friends, and tagged my friend, ensuring I would see it and be triggered. This evening, she's blocked me again.

I am struggling daily with anger. Fury, rage and unforgiveness really. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her actions. I know it's what Christ would do, what I should do, but I'm in such agony I don't know if I ever can.

I struggle because she portrays herself as a sweet, caring, Christian woman. She pursues friendships with my friends, who know nothing of what she has done and is doing to me, and it kills me to see them perhaps being suckered by her falsehood.

We've looked at leaving town, but to do so feels like we're letting her win, letting her get away with her cruelty. I'm on medication but with her recent amping up of her attacks, I'm not coping at all. I'm going to have to cope with being in the same location as her soon, and I don't know how I'll manage that without either triggering myself or saying or doing something that will make me look like the crazy one.

Deep intercessory prayer is what I need, prayer to thwart what I know is an attack by satan on me and those I love. At times it feels as though satan is winning - who I am is being destroyed and instead consumed with hate, and I don't know how to escape.

Vulcanized posted 11/24/2013 04:38 AM

((((Nest))))

First off, block her on FB. You don't need to see it, nor do you want to. Block her. Good for your sanity.

Secondly, if you can move the hell away, than do it. Don't worry about letting her win, it's solely for you, your mental health & your M.

Hang in there.

Nailinmyforehead posted 11/24/2013 04:57 AM

Nest, I dealt with almost the same thing here. It drove me nuts. I focused on the crap, and obsessed over it, and re read every little detail, and sifted through every doggone thing wondering if that was truly what was meant, or if it meant something else. It drove me nuts. My wife's ap was truly my hell on earth. Sad thing was, I was taking all of that anger and frustration and pain out on my FWW! She didn't deserve that! And worse, she had no idea why my mood shifted and I was so mean. You may not like my answer, but I did it save my marriage. Delete FB! Get rid of it! You can go see videos of kitty cats playing with paper bags and pictures of people's Starbucks somewhere else. OR at the very least, Deactivate it for a bit! I did not view it as him "winning" anything, or me losing FB. Hey- my wife and marriage was the prize and guess what? I won.

crashednburned posted 11/24/2013 05:15 AM

I agree with Nailinmyforehead. There must be no contact with her. She is obviously trying to drive you crazy and now she is blocking you so you can't call her out on it. Don't play her game. You must have no contact for your own piece of mind. Stay off Facebook and things will get better.

I am praying for The Lord to give you strength.

solus sto posted 11/24/2013 09:07 AM

Is there a reason you do not block HER on Facebook?

This is not about winning and losing. It's about healing.

You can choose to do that, you know. You can make choices that support it. But you're hung up on "not letting her win." If it really were about winning, she'd be ahead right now, because you've given her such enormous power. You won't make healthy decisions for yourself, lest she "win." Do you see the perversity of this?

I don't know that moving is necessary (it might be). I do think that you and your husband may have to move on from the school. I suspect that some point, you are going to realize that your plan to return to "your" school will not work if she is there. You will realize that she is not leaving---and has NO obligation to do so. That she is no more responsible for the affair than your husband, and she has no less right to be there. You will realize that your husband's job at "your" school, though once thought to be ideal, threatens to end your marriage as surely as the affair did. You will see that ongoing contact with this woman, in any way, shape, or form, is toxic to you and your marriage----and far, far, FAR outweighs any benefit of continued employment, for either of you, in a particular school.

Further, I think this realization is going to be shocking to you, and wish that you would see the likelihood of it occurring and PLAN for it. Because I suspect it will really knock the wind out of you, and happen in a way that you feel the need to make abrupt changes---when, in fact, you could be utilizing your leave to make wise decisions for your future, and starting to build that future, with your husband.

I know, though, that you have to do this at your own pace. Sadly, going your own pace may result in significantly more injury to you---and to your marriage. I know this because I refused to confront the truth, too. I very much wanted it to be different--and was determined that it would be. I was wrong. I think you may be, too.

The job is not what you wish it were. It is not the place you want it to be. It may reflect part of your vision, but it is where your husband's affair was nurtured, and where it grew, where it thrived. It is an environment that continues to welcome and nurture OW. An environment where YOU and your HUSBAND will be expected to work constructively with her. That you are intent on your husband remaining there with OW and insistent upon returning there yourself is perplexing. It is no wonder your mind is not clear, and that you are battling severe anxiety and depression. Your dreams and reality are clashing, and you don't want to believe what is real and true.

I'm sorry for your pain---but know from hard experience that you have the ability to remove yourself from some of the things causing your pain. You are valuing a SCHOOL over your well-being and that of your marriage. You are valuing pain over healing.

She is playing no more games than you are. You're playing them with her. You're playing them with people at the school, with whom you are not being honest. But worst of all, you're playing them with yourself. Somehow, this makes a day-long Facebook blocking seem...as insignificant as it is.

For those SIers who are Christian, I'd value your prayer too.

The prayer request is not offensive, and does not require a warning. That is is extended to only a portion of the community, and the implication that the prayers of others are unwelcome, is and does.

Lovedyoumore posted 11/24/2013 10:13 AM

I get it. You are being pursued by a passive aggressive nut. The worst is when you confront them on their behavior and THEY use the "lets pray about it" line to shut you up and make you feel less "religious" than them. This is more than likely someone who has zero self esteem and must use your embarrassment and pain to feed themselves to feel better. She is a bully, a mean girl, just like middle school.

Your description of her is identical to our OW. She is a holier than thou bully who has cut through my life leaving me bleeding. The A was bad enough, but after DDay she has systematically made friends with our friends, even at our church. She puts out such a perfect persona that outing her would make me look like a bitter old bitch. Nobody would believe that the sanctimonious saint could be anything other than the victim in all of this. Meanwhile I am on the verge of full blown agoraphobia.

You have a sociopath to work against. It will be daunting and you will have to be strong. She sounds like a people collector. I am sure you are not her only victim, but being in this position is lonely. I feel your pain.

Kelany posted 11/24/2013 10:20 AM

Why can't you just block her?

Lovedyoumore posted 11/24/2013 11:19 AM

You can block her from Facebook, but pictures of her with friends can still come up as untagged. Lock down your page to friends only, not friends of friends and that will filter some.

sinsof thefather posted 11/24/2013 12:15 PM

Nest, first of all I want to give you a (((hug))) because I can feel your pain.

I also want to say that sometimes walking away is winning. Leaving a situation that is toxic and causing you harm is not losing - quite the contrary - doing what's best for you regardless of what the OW may 'think' about it, is you choosing when to lose a battle to win the whole war.

You putting your happiness first and her not being able to do anything to mess with you any more makes you the winner. Do whatever you have to do to make that happen. If that means you not going back to work at the school, or both you and your husband leaving the school - or even moving towns - then do it. Put your health and happiness first Nest. Don't let her make you worry what she thinks about it. Who cares what she thinks?

Yes it's a very high price to have to pay if you have to leave your school because of your husbands choice to have an affair - and it's not fair and it sucks. But the fact is he did have that affair, OW is cunning, vindictive and not going anywhere any time soon, so neither you nor your husband's work lives will ever be the same again anyway. You can't get back what 'was' - you have got to think about what is best for you going forward. If it's going to make you ill having contact with her and she won't leave - you'll have to.

None of the solutions are going to be perfect and you can think that going back to work in the same place as her is not letting her win - but at what cost to you? ...and by extension to your family and your R?

Nest, put yourself first. Don't think about whether she thinks she's won or not - do what's best for you, because then you are the winner. If you stay in a situation where she can get to you and hurt you (and she will because she seems to enjoy it) just so that you don't 'lose' to her then she really has won. Put yourself and your family first.

Really think about what you think is best for you and your family long term and choose that course - regardless of her.

MakingLemonade posted 11/24/2013 12:56 PM

Delete FB!

YES!!! Really. Let someone else run the school's page!!! Seriously, someone else can do this. You may think you need to but you don't. You may think you are getting good things out of being there, but overall, at this point in your life, it is not healthy for you. I deleted my account because of A#2 drama. One of the best decisions I ever made for a myriad of reasons even outside XWH and OW's drama. Can't torment you directly or indirectly if you aren't there. Drop it and let someone else pick up running the school's page...or not. My tween's school uses email. It is more direct and effective than FB.

Nest2007 posted 11/24/2013 17:44 PM

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the advice and much needed butt kicking. In the last month we've applied for dozens of jobs elsewhere, started getting our house ready to put in the market, visited open homes in other cities and towns far away from here, looked for rentals... Believe me, we are trying very hard to get out of here. Our IC/MC is helping us to work through many things, and we both feel that the marriage is and communication is going strongly.

Solus Sto - my request for Christians to pray had nothing to do with excluding anyone, just an attempt not to offend those who do not believe in prayer.

I've blocked her, but already she busy tagging my friends in photos and quotes. Monumental bitch really.

Hope2B posted 11/24/2013 18:44 PM

Ditto what Lemonade said!

it kills me to see them perhaps being suckered by her falsehood

She won't be able to hide her true colors for very long. It takes a lot of energy to hide a rotten core, and people will eventually see her for who she really is.

Fury, rage and unforgiveness really. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive her actions. I know it's what Christ would do, what I should do, but I'm in such agony I don't know if I ever can.

Let Christ forgive her, if she asks for forgiveness. That's between her and Him.

As for you and forgiveness, just for now, put aside thinking you have to or should forgive her, and instead continue to lead an exemplary life, one of faith and love. Forgiveness may never come to you--we're all human, and some things are (to our human heart) unforgiveable. To forgive is divine, remember? Prayers coming at ya!

[This message edited by Hope2B at 6:45 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

Crushed1 posted 11/24/2013 23:21 PM

Praying for you (((Nest))). I don't do FB but my kids do and I'd do what the others said here, block her and lock her down.